Thread 33835061

I should have listened to the anons who warned me months ago.
Anyways, for background, I'm a loser whos been drifting in depression for a couple of years. No motivation, no job, no friends, the usual.

>Spent the last couple months spending hours in VRChat late at night, desperate for any kind of socialization
>Cute sounding and acting girl latches onto me like crazy, adds me, we're on every night
>Add eachother on Discord within a week
>Start talking late into the night, really personal topics
>Relationships come up and she wants to e-date despite distance (opposite US coasts)
>A meeting isnt off the table, though
>I think shes going really fast, but okay I'll just match her pace since I've never done this (GF, or e-date)
>Couple weeks later
>"Hey we're going too fast, lets slow down"
>Okay, but I was going as fast as she was anyway
>Couple weeks later
>Share a bad dream I had about her ending things, since we regularly shared our dreams with eachother
>"Sorry you're going too fast for me. You were just a crush. Lets just be friends tho"
>Blindsided by this, and fucked me up for weeks

After that she's just been getting colder and quieter with me. We've hung out with mutual friends and I noticed something weird. She latched onto this other person and is super talkative and attentive with them, the same way she was with me. Talked with a mutual friend and turns out she has a pattern of this and she knows it. She's also told me she's just "easy going in these things" as some kind of excuse after I confronted her about it. She's also said she tries to constantly surround herself with people otherwise she gets sad.

Basically, I got used as a temporary source of attention and emotional dumping ground.
I was staying up losing sleep over her, talking her through her grandma passing, she was a wreck.
How do I recover from this? I know it wasn't healthy but man, I was the happiest I had ever been in years.

>>33835061 (OP)
You try to find another, more fulfilling, friendship. Preferably irl

>>33835216
Yeah, thats the goal eventually, but in the meantime how do I get over it? I'm not exaggerating when I say it was the happiest I felt in years.

>>33835252
You swallow the same pill I did.

Had the exact same thing.
Even worse - I did meet her IRL. Spent a lot of money to go to her country twice. We had a good time IRL, but it turns out that for the entire 3 months we were together, she was texting and sexting other dudes, especially right after I left, because she cannot handle being alone and wants to make sure that she always has options.
I was the only one IRL, but does it matter when the girl was basically having a one sided relationship with me, where she tells me that I'm the only one, so that I can stay hers, while juggling several dudes?
It was disgusting.
The next day after I came back from the second meeting I broke up with her. She was nearly emotionless. That was in April.
Ever since then I made a vow - no more online dating. Never.
I started going to meetups right around that time. Now fast forward to October about half a year later, I'm working on improving my health, lost a lot of weight, feeling better. Went to a tremendous amount of meetups where I met incredible ladies. I now have girl-friends, no girlfriend yet, but I feel my confidence rising, I feel my neediness going away.
The way I got over her is as soon as I broke up with her I went camping in Belgium for 3 days because an opportunity came up. That helped. Past that, a lot of reflection, and a lot of meetups with many many people.
I still didn't get a gf from IRL, but I'm now doing what I thought I should be able to do as a human from day 1 - meet someone exciting IRL, and feel worth it enough to be able to tell them hey, I really like you, want to hang out more?
And it's freeing and it's great and I think a gf is right around the corner bro.
Let go of the degeneracy, you're fighting an uphill battle. Especially in these disgusting spaces like VR chat where you're running away from your fears and like you said, seeking a morsel of attention. Do what you're afraid of, go for it.

>>33835651
Jesus christ man, I'm sorry you had to go through that.
> She was nearly emotionless.
You know I think that was the part that stung the most. On the day of, I said I felt like shit and hurt that I was just a "crush". But she went out of her way to say "I feel normal." Why do they do this?
I don't know if I can quit VRChat cold-turkey since I don't really talk to other people, other than on here and family. I start community college in a few months, which is what I'm hoping will get me out of the house regularly.
But I'm glad you're doing better, dude, it sounds like what I felt is nothing compared to what happened to you.

>>33835677
Yeah they have zero regrets. Zero.
They know what they are, they know they have worth thanks to other guys who pin it on them.

When I was there I had her phone, I got to see a couple of the DM's before I closed it. It was dudes going like "WHERE ARE YOU I MISS YOU OOMGGG ;(( AND YOUR CUTE VOICE, WE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME" blah blah blah
And sexual stuff
Now imagine, all those dudes think they lucked out, that they're the only one. Every single fucking dude is you, and is me. And these girls just wreak havoc as they go because they have a mental illness and they happen to be an (in my case) EXTREMELY pretty girl. Like angelic looking. But also very depressed.

I'm not one for revenge, I opened it up with her face to face IRL, and I wasn't mad, I was just sad. And I saw life for what it is. I knew that I still had a couple days left to go, so I acted nice like everything's okay. I even cleaned her house for her because I want her to know that she can be redeemed. She's extremely beautiful but extremely depressed, I took 15 trashbags out over the course of 2 hours of cleaning while she was away. When we broke up, I told her that the best thing she can do is not contact me and let me move on, because I don't want to look or think about her anymore. And I asked her to please, please not do this to other people. I told her if you can follow through with that - then I forgive you and you can definitely change.
Did it work? I don't know, but my guess is probably not. Cuz to plead to someone so messed up beyond repair is like adding a drop of drinking water to the ocean and expecting anything to change. But I did my part, and I moved on.
I'm very much aware that my own actions are what affects my own life, holding grudges will only make my own life worse. Instead - I opted for action on my part, so that this won't repeat itself.

That's why I'm saying brother, you take your time to get over this, and make a decision to break this cycle. You CAN go outside, gl m8 <3

>>33835718
>they know they have worth thanks to other guys who pin it on them.
This other person is a mutual friend, and I have sort-of contact with him. On her birthday he even set an alarm at midnight to say happy birthday, dude.
I know you say not to hold a grudge but the desire to see if this turns out the same is really, really strong.
But I'll try to internalize your advice, man. Thank you. Gonna try taking psilocybin for the first time in a couple of weeks if im in the right state of mind to try and break the mental cycle.

>>33835815
>Ik u say not hold grudge but desire to see if this is the same is strong.
I get it, but I can promise you there's nothing glamorous on the other side. She also did the shlickity shlick and sleeping on call and saying I love you with that guy too. That's not to say you should be mad at him, be done with her instead, and understand that she led herself here. I could have also added those guys on discord and confronted them, but I thought why would I? They are all lonely bastards like me, who she reached out to the same way she reached out to me, like an angel from the sky, so she can get excitement level 100 and "feel alive, like she can breathe again" (her words about me in the first couple weeks we were together), but in reality dude, this is a cycle of getting excited over a dude, then feeling distracted, getting fears of commitment, and moving on to the next dude.
They are self sabotaging due to their fear of commitment. They had inconsistent care in their childhood, and possibly bouts of abuse alongside periods of love from the ones who are supposed to take care of them. Which made their caretakers a source of love but also a source of fear. This in turn means that they feel like they can't rely on their only stable person in their lives. And it creates this cycle where they cannot get too attached - cuz they remember what happens when they get too close. And then they shell up again, but then they realize wait.. But I don't live with my caretakers anymore.. so they simply look for a new dude. One that isn't "tainted" or would leave them.

I know it might not make a lot of sense to you now, but after 100s of hours of reflection and research into attachment styles I now know these things. Knowing why it happens helps me cope a bit.
She's still guilty, she's still doing terrible things. She's still an adult and there are NO excuses for what she did and probably still doing. But at least I know why.

And I know to stay away from her. Best of luck my man

>>33836765
No I mean like reaching out to the guy and warning him, lol. Like I said he's a mutual friend and we're kinda cool. It makes me sick to think she's doing this to the whole circle.

>>33836840
Yeah it's pretty sick. That's what they are. I told that girl that she's extremely beautiful, but rotten inside. And that's what I really believe.
And I mean, your choice , I personally would get away from the entire clique, but that's because I've been burnt too many times by online people and it's just so not worth it. My only contact with people from online nowadays is right here when I write comments on 4chan.
But you do you man! And when community college comes by please do yourself a favor and join all the school clubs and parties! and attend them consistently! It's fun and you'll get a gf for sure

Also props to you for being an active OP, I feel like way too many people abandon their thread once they make it. You're a nice person, you'll get a nice girl one day. That girl is beneath you

>>33836765
nailed my history and attachment.
honestly the guy i am with now is still cheating, but my abandonment issues plus the love i have for him only make me want to protect him; while actively practicing in selfsabotage and expecting him to leave and never be mine (cuz he never was) ... again, due to my abandonment issues.
I never expected you to stay in the first place and I constantly expect (you) are trying to leave or get rid of me. I have alot of trauma in that regard.

>>33835061 (OP)
This happened to me last year. Fucked me up really badly actually and took me over a month of whining to get better. Just try to find distractions and avoid thinking about her as much as possible.

>>33836858
I'm glad you are able to empathize with what I wrote, it further confirms that my research is correct
It's pretty terrible. Because even when you meet someone consistent, stable and loyal, you're still unable to not self sabotage and assume about him that he'll leave you

That was a very tough realization for me.
I hope that you (continue to) get help, and continue to reflect and realize that this isn't normal and that you're hurting others and yourself.
It must take a lot to rewire how you see attachment, I'm sorry you're like that and well, though I would stay as far away as possible from people with your attachment style, I still wish you all the best with getting better.

>>33836856
>I told that girl that she's extremely beautiful, but rotten inside. And that's what I really believe.
I think that as well, she's got a certain energy and personality that seems to enrapture people (for worse in the long term).
It's weird how many "good friends" she has, it tracks too well with the behavior you've described.

I thought of a strategy for the short term, I made a list of pros and cons to remember any time I start to think it was a good thing.
Pros
>She gave me attention
>She was kinda into the same stuff I was (anime, vidya)
>Goofy
>High energy
Cons (Way longer, just the highlights)
>Not knowledgeable on anything for a 21 year old (e.g. kind of stupid)
>Still talks like a teenager, its weird
>Had a very short attention span, extremely hyperactive (pretty sure undiagnosed ADHD)
>Constantly watching TikTok/reels (spent many nights watching them with her, this was her only source of humor)
>Spends way, way too much fucking time on VRChat (she's taking reduced classes this semester just so she can have more free time)
>Refused to think about anything beyond a surface level (and always told me I was overthinking)
>Took relationship advice from TikTok/ChatGPT (learned this after the fact from mutual friend)
>Was very cold and distant after "let's just be friends" (like ignoring levels of distant)
>Moved onto another guy very quick after "let's just be friends", despite saying she had commitment issues
>"Easy going with feelings" as an excuse for saying things she didn't mean
>Would bring up her ex and past relationships during personal talks
>Was way too hormonal on her period, and would use her period as an excuse for things
>Had to delete accounts before because of drama/baggage (massive red flag)
>Way too into femboys and feminine men
>Made me do tarot, horoscope, and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Holy shit dude.

The one time I wish the negativity bias in my brain worked, it keeps remembering the good times too much lmao. But the list helps.

>>33836867
It comes up randomly in my head and we did a lot of shared stuff together, it's tough as fuck.

>>33837243
Yeah man, when beautiful girls put their effort towards masking and seeming fun and interested, it's a power like no other. ESPECIALLY on lonely and vulnerable men on VR chat or in my case - shortly after being cheated on in a 5 year relationship and me just wanting to talk about it with strangers. They are as strong as Sauron.

Those good friends are beta orbiters she's collected, all waiting for their turn. Depending on their level of desperation and degeneracy they might offer her even more. Like I did - I visited her twice. The ultimate desperate simp move. Though god damn I still fap to that extremely hot tiny body and big beautiful blue eyes looking down at me while she's passionately riding my tongue, she was clearly backed up sexually and it was physically a great time, but she is not a good person. So it's not worth sacrificing everything just for that.

Your list is AWESOME!! Reflection has helped me so much. At some points I also wrote lists like that, alongside many other things. It really puts things into perspective.

Now I'm in the mindset of losing weight, and going out to many events. Eventually, a girl will want me. So I'm recommending you to do the same!!