>>936050926 (OP)Stop thinking about the "what if"s and "if i did"s because that's going to keep you on a long and sorrowful loop. The past made you the person you are today, and your mind is making you think that if you didn't do such and such then today wouldn't be happening this and that. All things happen for a reason anon. If you were a retard back then, that doesn't mean you are a retard right now.
Ignore your thoughts and concentrate on something else.