>>936983714I don't even hate him as much as that, it's just that I'm having the moment in my life where I finally introspect and try to figure out why I'm miserable and s failure at the same time as all of his failings catching up with him
I feel like I was finally climbing out of a bottomless hole I was stuck in my whole life without even seeing the entrance and as soon as I did and started climbing I keep getting kicked back down
I am autistic, I haven't even realized this until now because my dad is also undiagnosed autistic (I am 99% sure with what I know now) and the reason he hit and yelled at me was because I was autistic and not "normal" enough and because he's autistic he gets extremely upset when anything isn't exactly the way he wants it
The irony being nothing about our family and life is normal and I've been in hell ever since I was born and now he wants to try to be helpful but he still puts on a disgusted tone of voice whenever I do something that isn't "normal" enough and I'm so sick of it I'm just completely isolating myself in my room because he's too old and tired to come force the door open to yell and hit his crying autistic child, or it's because the last time he did it years ago I punched him in the face in self defense while he had me pinned down and then he never touched me again, claiming I "sucker punched" him
Actually that's not true he did punch me in the back as recently as a year or so ago but it was so light I barely even felt it, and he did put his hands on my shoulders and get in my face when I forgot to do some innocuous chore recently and I could tell he was genuinely angry and probably would've been more dramatic if he had the strength to even though he was playing it off like he was joking
I hate my family
