And there’ll be sun sun sun

DT ignores me, I am so forlorn and hopeless

I’m posting outside because the connection is always bad inside the apartment for some reason

I wish I wasn’t banned for saying nigger so ridiculous they can’t just give warnings?

ugh am getting tired had more caffeinated drink but am getting tired

I have been really struggling with old past demons haunting me

It’s something that doesn’t linger or seem to intrude on my life as much anymore but it used to be a lot more pronounced and present in my life but I gradually managed to make it go away it seems time healed me and I gradually gained more confidence in my self. But the last week was really bad, there are still people in my life who intrude and impose themselves on me. Most of my problems probably wouldn’t exist if I didn’t live in Canada though.

It’s this sense of feeling like there’s something wrong with me, and this invasive sense that my own very perception of reality is deeply flawed to the point where I can’t trust it, but it also goes along and follows that as a result I just plain feel like I’m a fuck up or something as well and that I’m just inferior to everyone around me. It still makes me really mad I have these people in my life. The people who raised me are just absolute shit human beings.

But also, I have experienced a lot of gaslighting from people which has just made it even worse, or just really adds to the whole thing.

It’s not good to question your own reality, it just makes everything feel surreal and also gives me derealization. It’s such a fucked up psychological tactic and game people play to mess with a persons sense of reality.

It just makes me full of anger I’m not okay with it

It just makes me think I’ve had people say I seem “fragile” like what the fuck? This didn’t make me angry in the past I thought maybe it was true or it added to this almost woefully tragic perception I wanted to have but now it just makes me feel very offended. I don’t think you can tell whether or not I seem offended or not, it just makes me think there’s something about me which makes people want to try and play psychological games with me.

I just feel like in theory the concept of Canada on paper is really nice, it’s great, but for the reasons that Canada is supposedly so great and nice are the reasons why it probably sucks because no country is that faultless

Basically the supposed perfect countries are like Switzerland and certain Nordic Scandinavian countries

Anyway I thought it was nice that Canadian cities aren’t as big or heavily populated and generally they’re not so spread out, actually Canada is probably more spread out I think that’s a problem with how Canadian cities are designed American cities are just really big and they seem to not really stand out to you very much they just seem like an endless slabs of concrete some Canadian cities are more memorable in your brain for some reason they have certain things about them that make them more memorable or more unique and different

But besides that, that’s mostly all I can really think of as far as what is better about Canada

The places I have in my memories, the earliest memories I have that are not really clear but well the parts I do remember are still pretty clear they’re just sort of broken up a lot.

Anyways what stands out to me as strange is that it doesn’t really seem like either America or Canada, which is what is so perplexing and what bothers me so much like where the fuck was I? I got the sense and feeling that I travelled a lot when I was really young I remember being in big groups of people almost like I
Was a part of a big extended family

I just don’t get why it seemed like everyone was so nice to me, generally my experiences were pleasant and I in turn felt felt a lot more at ease and was more relaxed and calm but then slowly as I was separated from these people things seem to progressively get worse all the time until everything seemed pretty harsh and I became isolated and I couldn’t really trust anyone around me that’s when things starts to became like most rustic but everything seemed really grunge like the types of places that inspired the grunge musicians music in the 90s or the types of places and settings that were romanticized almost but were considered despite this pretty much bad. Like pretty much fucking Aberdeen or some shit. Ugh going straight to this rural small town country setting was just the worst.

I think it’s become almost sort of this secret pursuit of mine since I’ve traveled a fair bit to search out and find weird places that sort of have the same type of vibe and energy feeling and appearance as those places I grew up in.

Le sigh

Driving through part of the country of America, some parts of America feel almost close, but not quite the same, I find American has this distinct thing that does not feel Canadian at all. The huge gigantic American flags waiving all throughout the countryside didn’t feel familiar or ring any bells.

The thing is, I actually managed to find a couple of places in Vancouver that actually felt almost exactly like certain places I remember from my past except they weren’t big areas they were little tiny areas, I don’t think there was even full neighborhoods or districts, just like tiny part of neighborhood and a street maybe

It’s like this hidden distinct thing, I know if some other things that are relatively hidden but I’ve never encountered this from reading so I don’t know how to adequately define or label it or to properly grasp what it is. I think it might be almost like some type of a cult. I think I’ve encountered some other types of specific styles that are almost cult like I have them more pronounced in my mind, but not specifically this. It’s surprisingly not really sinister or malicious at all, the types of specific buildings I found were almost older style like heritage buildings almost a bit rustic or country type but not as rustic or like the places in fucking rural Alberta. So it makes it more rare, distinct and specific.

The weird thing is I looked over the entire map of the lower mainland and Vancouver and I couldn’t find one of these areas I stumbled upon. I think it could potentially be secret and not actually on the map which is far out but I literally can’t find it. I was able to find a bunch of other places on the map but not this one place l. I have been just about everywhere in Vancouver.

There was about one or two places in Vancouver I found that felt this way. I’ve been to a bunch of different places and I never encountered anywhere that felt like this. There was this one place, I don’t know if you would call it a neighborhood, I walked through most of it, it was like some really small neighborhood I have no idea where it was it felt almost like it was the country even though it was in Vancouver. There was a lot of

I don’t know what it means that Lisa is a girl, maybe I shouldn’t relate to them.

It almost kind of feels like it’s saying that the traits Lisa possesses are feminine and if you were a true man you would come across as stupid or less intelligent, that is to say if Homer and Bart, Matt Groenings male characters are actually less intelligent. Who knows what he means

But my point is that I don’t have time to analyze that

The spell checker is really annoying, it’s almost like it’s self sabotaging everything I write to make me sound less intelligent. It’s just a cumbersome chore to write anything. I can spell most words on my own. I don’t need a fucking spellchecker I can’t turn the thing off

I just think
Christianity is basically a suicidal death cult, Christianity features Jesus as the central and main figure in its beliefs, and the main idea behind him is that he “suffered for our sins” I.e. was killed over others transgressions and short comings. The ultimate sacrifice in Christianity is
basically yourself. That’s why I doubt necessarily believe in it.

People try to sacrifice you, like I almost think it fits my situation it feels like the people around me are trying to sacrifice me or something on an altar, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to just accept and take that or what but it makes Christianity seem sort of like a farce

Just because jesus is venerated the point you get from Christianity, still feels like it’s not really actually good to be like Christ because on one hand it preaches about avoiding false idol worship like Moloch and Baal, that such things then at the same time you get a mixed message that somehow it’s actually good to be sacrificed if it’s like how Christ was

>>23033548
Ugh “doubt necessarily believe in that” I didn’t fucking write that fucking ass spellchecker

Fuck the spellcheck drives me nuts

Still kind of burnt out at writing hard to get the gears of my mind moving

I got this sick new jacket only thing is it’s a thrift item so I have no idea how old it is, I think it’s probably pretty old and the only things I don’t like about it is that it had freaking shoulder pads ugh it gives off a weird impression and dates it so I don’t know if I’ll wear it because of that

>>23033378
I don’t think it was Vancouver because I’ve literally been pretty much everywhere in Vancouver and I only encounter this one tiny area. In my memories, I can remember a lot more though, I might have actually been to that area of Vancouver as a child. There was this one store single story building some commercial building with big windows. As I went behind the buildings alley way, it suddenly felt very strangely like deja vu. The lights were almost completely out or incredibly dim the people inside seemed like they were just standing there I don’t know what they were doing it was really suspicious and strange looking one of them was wearing a lot coat I tried looking around for signs but I couldn’t tell what the building was for, I thought it was either a veterinary clinic, or a dental clinic, but the inside and outside of the building looked so different. Way different than anything you see regularly. I know I said the buildings and houses looked sort of rural, that’s not entirely true, it’s hard to tell if they are suburban or rural all this one building in particular, I guess it had this certain style that made it almost look like it was out of New York city or something, it wasn’t particularly fancy I think it was mostly brick. It sort of looked like it could have been from Batman 89 a little bit, what I mostly mean by that is that it had a similar feel to it and maybe kind of color or whatever. I’m not sure what time period it was fun, but I think it could have been the 80s but I’m not sure. The style of that area wasn’t like anything I had seen before it’s really hard to tell what year it’s from but I would say 80s to anywhere earlier then that.

Anyway as I went to the back of the building all of a sudden a light came on and the people in the building all came to look and see what happened (big deal someone went past the sensor in the alley) but I was so creeped out by these people in the building.

The buildings were sort of in between rural and suburban I guess you could say.

I got this bad deja vu and suddenly I swear I felt like I could remember the exact same thing, the exact same building when I was a child and I wondered to the back of the building and a light came on, and there were weird problem in the building that were going to come out and grab me but then suddenly someone came up to me really fast and picked me up but i couldn’t see their face. This happened to me in other memories a man picking me up in some kind of big baggy wool sweater but I could never see his face for some reason like he managed to keep it hidden from me on purpose almost.

I swear I think it might have been a real memory.

It might seem strange that I can remember all of this, I don’t remember distinct styles of buildings very well because my memories are pretty fuzzy, but like I remember a convenience store, a mall where I got an iguana as a pet that day? And a neighborhood where most of the houses were white and grey for some reason.

The reason I can remember is that these buildings and houses all made me feel a very specific and certain way that I remember very well I guess I can remember that very vividly for some reason and the place I found in Vancouver, everything gave me those feelings, and as I looked at the buildings, I was pretty sure the way they looked and were designed must have been the way things were like in those places in my memory. I am not sure why but the buildings were able to make you feel things so deeply they weren’t particularly showy and they aren’t really colorful or complicated, except in some memories there’s another style I remember that was similar but was almost tropical but not in a loud brazen way. This is what I remember at the beach, and I was given things to remind me, that had those certain feeling to them and specific colors.

Yawn ugh tea

Oh no no where is DT!?

hey stud ;)

>>23038906
Uh oh

ISRAEL!!!????

https://i.quotev.com/qgm6ezczaaaa.jpg

>>23038962
I don’t know
Who you are also why would you link an image and not just upload it to the site? Very sus what does an Israelite want from me?

That’s one thing I remember is that everything felt so differently back then,

I’m not really sure what happened but it seemed like I was incredibly in touch with my feelings which were really effected by my environment and then after some point I found myself in environments that made me uncomfortable for some reason and in turn it lead me to becoming detached and kind of numb to my feelings in general. There was nothing outright wrong with these environments but something about them or partially the stimuli and people involved lead me to feeling that way. I think I must have been extremely sensitive to ‘energy’ and I think looking back over my experiences I think I do believe in the existence of energy.

I just can’t remember anything substantial that made me lose touch with my feelings to such a degree, like I can’t remember specifics about the environments that made me feel that way.

I remember I was middle class or something beforehand and then finding myself in a much less nice living space really put me in a bad mood. I really didn’t like living in such a poor environment in general, like the surrounding area, it deeply affected me for some reason, it left a lasting mark on how I feel about myself my own self identity and how I see the world I think growing up in kind of a poor rural place.

Anyway I don’t dwell on or think about the past like this because I can’t let go, or because I’m grieving, the only reason I really focus and think about it is because I really want to go back to feeling the way I did about the world, and how I experienced things in general.

That’s what I hold on to in general, it’s not necessarily sadness or grief.

I just wish I knew more about my past l,

I remember being so aware and conscious I could barely speak I think
yet I was walking all over and I felt much older I think I must have been pretty mature for my age. I remembered something recently, I remember being outside on the street and there was somebody standing next to me saying something to me, a man. He was one of
the only men early in my life who wasn’t vindictive, controlling or upright, he seemed really calm and mellow and didn’t seem particularly in a bad mood.

It just stuck with me I remember being in some neighborhood again it felt like we were traveling or something because I remember all these different places and I remember it was night it was so cool
out but it was warm like summer or something

I remember, it seemed like I went from being more respected and seen and treated equally to some extent to when my situation and the people around me changed, I wasn't treated the same way anymore, I was almost just treated like I was just some little kid and I think that really harmed me. I think I must have been vastly mature for my age but because I was still a child I would get lost in my imagination, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have the abililty to lose myself in my imagination. But then I wonder if that's where I got it from, I think it was probably a bit of both. Since I was a small child the adults mostly ignored me and just left me to play, but I remember it hurt me psychologically being left alone all the time, mostly with the television
Because I wasn't stimulated enough. I really needed to be stimulated a lot more. But the only other alternative really was books that I was given, I was just expected to read all day, which felt like torture to me.

The only thing that really piqued my interest was comic books, because they were wild and exciting to me. I think I would have liked books more if there was more wild and exciting ones out there, but that's why for me comic books were practically perfect for me, there was really nothing out there like them, and I would look at them for hours.

I guess that's why I was still like a kid in many ways, it just felt like a lot of books were kind of stuffy to me and my undeveloped mind, and a lot of books are really serious they try to teach you all these weighty moral lessons, in fact that's generally what books try to do most of the time, that's almost the whole point of them to try and sell you this weighty moral platitude or lesson. I wasn't against learning about morals though, I just didn't like the way most books went about them really. I guess I didn't like most books about regular life events because for some reason I didn't have patience for real life

I guess from an early age I just felt like it was like with books, people try to guilt trip you and preach to you all these weighty moral lessons, and try to talk to you about how you should feel how you should act how you should behave, there's all these expectations for behavior that I felt like I had no patience for that made me just completely check out of life.

I'm not sure if this is how it is everywhere or not, but I think it could have been due to growing up around relatively conservative and religious people which just felt like absolute torture to me.

I really see why I liked comic books so much now, and feel less shame or guilt about it. Of course, comic books were probably one of my only refuge and all the adults around me told me they were trash and they were horrible everybody thought they were bad

Ugh thinking about the past just brings back horrible feelings but I remember I was sitting at the diner table and my parents were babysitting these kids, they babysat them a lot so we knew them pretty well. I remember telling him excitedly that I wanted to be a comic book artist and he wouldn't even look at me he wouldn't acknowledge me, a lot of people did that to me when I said I wanted to be an artist, like wtf just horrible people

I loved manga and anime too but it wasn't a thing yet

Im not sure how long I actually played pretend for, but I remember I spent a lot of time playing pretend and I really enjoyed it so much that when I got older I realized thar acting is pretty much the same thing, I really wanted to become an actor but also because it was more social. But growing up where I did, there wasn't any way of finding interesting films, I tried for the life of me to find interesting types of arthousd films or otherwise notwithstanding or just interesting films in general and I wasn't really able to find anything it really, really hard to find obscure films, the only indie films I found. Many of them were about gay people, so it drastically foiled my aspirations aspirations to become an actor.

It was always way easier to find different kinds of music for some reasons there's at least cool magazines that are about music where as there are not really any dedicated magazines about obscure film

I remember afte I moved to a medium sized city partially in hopes to find culture, the movie stores still weren't really that great, like I remember looking for movies and not being able to really find anything I found interesting, this guy who worked there recommended me this movie about like some Asian schoolgirl who fights and kills vampires. It seemed really cliche to me and just didn't interest. I wondered, why were most movies that are niche that the average person like were just mindless slasher hack and slash flicks? I mean I didn't mind those sometimes but I sort of yearned for more culture

I have another weird incident that happened to me that is related to my distant past and early memories. I have a strange memory that's really cloudy but I was in a car and obviously there were two people driving up front. For some reason, the man's face feels so close yet so out of reach, it's like I can almost remember his face, but yet that's how I remember him, I rarely saw his face. I only remember seeing his face once. The woman is even more out of reach and a completely blank slate to me I don't remember anything about them, I think they had blonde hair.

I remember, again it seemed like we were traveling somewhere and I remember I was looking at a magazine I'm not sure if they were looking at it first and they showed me, anyway there was this advertisement in the magazine or maybe it was a newspaper? But the advertisement I think was already old, I think it could have been circa 1970s. They knew I was looking at it at least and they were talking about it, can't really remember what they said except that I need a girlfriend for some reason. The ad was of this really young girl, a child, she was conventionally pretty I guess. I think she sort of looked like the woman who was in the car which is one of the reasons they remarked on it. I remember that specifically about needing a girlfriend I don't know why they would say that, I was only 3 at the most I think.

And then finally, many years later, as an adult, I found the advertisement again what are the odds of that? Again it's kind of an old advertisement, most advertisements in bus stops and such (which is where it was) a bus stop, they're usually new so this was really strange.

I guess it's not a regular advertisement it's about or for some type of cause or charity, to raise awareness about something can't remember what though. The advertisement is basically just this young girls face.

A really remarkable and strange thing happened to it. I know it sounds like I'm hallucinating

It sounds like I'm hallucinating but what are the odds, as I stood and stared at the image, I looked at it from multiple angles, I moved around and checked how to see if my perception of it would change depending on where I was standing and looking at it, I moved left and right, I moved bskc and fourth, closer, and further away. But God damn, the image seemed to change slightly.

It was so fucked up, I thought it was some kind of an illusion, but now thinking back it must have been God or something..

During the daytime the advertisement would stay like it was, the same nothing unusual. I went past this advertisement a lot during one period in time because I thought it was so strange I encountered it again.

So then, suddenly as soon as it turned to night the image would change slightly. The girls face would change slightly to image of this person I know.

I would just stare at it, I couldn't believe it. But it really did change to their face. Basically, the same pose, the way the face wad positioned and the posture lighting everything stayed the same, it's just their face only like their features slightly changed, it was actually a little more then slightly,,but it was not drastic either. It was quite noticeable to me as I came back and fourth to this place I would look around to see if there was anyone there who would notice?

It was just amazing. What are the odds especially since one of,the only thing I,can remember is these people saying I need a girlfriend and then years later that happens.

Just another 'phat load' incident I guess

I went back and by it a lot I spent a lot of time siting at the bus stop for as long as I could to avoid the stupid fucking police.

It would change at night and then change back in the day time, how could a hallucination work on time like that? It was just weird as fuck it was just like the phat load message I got on my keychain

ugh no yawn made tea

Had three teas

I forgot to mention I woke up

So I think I was pretty aware and conscious as a child, I have a lot of regret that I wasn’t properly stimulated and taught things, and I have regret because it just reminds me of all the time I’ve wasted. I should have been ahead of people my own age, they should have been teaching me about instruments, or trying to find me hobbies and interests I could pursue already at that age instead of just making me passively watch television. Or expect me to read books, I guess I should have learned to read books early or something, but I just didn’t have a tolerance for school.

I feel like looking back I think I could have almost had the mental capacity of like a teenager, at least that’s almost what I felt like. I think I was quite well-behaved, and the only behaviour problems I had are basically comparable or similar to what I struggle with to this very day. Like I don’t know for sure, I’m not sure what most children are like really, and what supposedly really separates children from adults because as a child I was very conscious and aware my needs weren’t that different and maybe what I’m bereft about is that I simply wasn’t treated equally as a child, I was treated like I was vastly simple and easy to understand but it was the opposite. Being a human being in general doesn’t make you that far removed from being an adult I don’t think


I don’t know if that’s common or normal but I remember being like 5 and having discussions with my babysitter who was a teenager at the time and I was able to get along with them fairly well. I was like a blank slate really she said she liked interacting and having me around a lot more then my sister because my sister was spazzy or people found her annoying I don’t really remember what set her apart from me though I don’t remember her very well I didn’t actually spend very much time around her.

I was just really neglected I guess no one would spend time talking to me really

But the things I found boring that adults talked about are things to this day I still sort of get bored about and my eyes glaze over the art of parenting just probably doesn’t hardly exist to a lot of people for one like I wish I was taught to pay attention or listen better even though I might not have listened.

I don’t know why I was left with these people because a reoccurring problem I and as a child is just that I hated a lot of the adults I was surrounded by, but I wonder if that was normal, sort of waging war against the adult world kind of thing.

I know a lot of teenagers rebel, it was always something that sort of confused me because it seems like a lot of them don’t have a concise reason and a lot of people see it as a “phase” they grow out of which only compounds the fact for me not merely as an establishment of an identity or as how they but now I see it maybe as this rebellion merely at the adult world itself it’s not necessarily very well formulated or thought out it’s just sort of a knee jerk reaction.

Honestly I just wonder if how I was as a small child is really that different then how I am now and I wonder if I knew best or I knew all I really needed to know as a child, I simply was a product of nature largely, I probably wasn’t that different. I can see how I could have turned out more normal in retrospect how I actually wasn’t that different as I thought I was.

I wonder if all this time maybe I knew best and was right about myself as a child back then and maybe all the stuff I went through all the stuff I learned maybe it wasn’t really as necessary as I thought it was.

Thinking about all this really makes me amazed at the concept of Peter Pan, never perhaps have I encountered something as insightful about childhood

It’s not so much that children are drastically different per-say, because they are people too after all…

I wonder if most kids are ignored and considered like secondary citizens as a result.

I guess that’s the point of the thimble basically, it’s because everything that has to do with being an adult involves pain of some sort, so it’s pretty obvious you have to develop a thicker skin, become “calloused” if you will.

But I just wonder if it has to be that way.

I was a lot different from the people around me.

I think for example, I couldn’t stand doing a lot of things, but I know I enjoyed drawing and making art in general, I had a lot more patience to learn art overall even as a child, it’s just and I’ve learned this in adulthood is that it’s really important to have fun sometimes.

I think I had a natural aversion to a lot of things because I would get burnt out and sad because I couldn’t have fun as easily.

That’s what being an adult is for a lot of people, it’s being over burdened with “responsibilities” and burdens in general
And really letting it weigh you down.

But a lot of people like it I guess, that’s the thing, that’s basically Captain Hook

From some kids I’ve known and what I can remember, I kind of get the sense that instead a lot of children it’s not necessarily that they’re infantile and worth completely ignoring. I think it’s just that a lot of them are like maybe would be criminals and juvenile delinquents and I kind of see a lot of them being somewhat greedy and selfish and adolescence and childhood is just trying to see how far their selfishness and greed gets them and it seems a lot of people’s lives are just that, seeing how far their selfishness and greed gets them

But I think I wasn’t that abnormal because I think it’s possible I would have liked sports growing up maybe if I was encouraged that way more, I wonder why a lot of people don’t seem to have much attention given to morals or ideals
And I realized I sort of felt that way as a
child too, like all this heavy emotional wrought and overbearing moral goodness was kind of held over my head my entire life when I didn’t necessarily have patience for it.

But that was the only alternative I was given half the time, partially because it’s the culture that sort of encourages this ( tho most people probably don’t listen)

I was never given fun alternatives to things like I was never encouraged “just go and have fun you should just primarily enjoy life” it was just seriousness

But it is the prevailing culture I think and such, I guess people just don’t know what else to make things about. Like when you’re a kid only mature adult movies
are really about having fun and are comedies

Though there are funny cartoons I guess

I wonder if people try to really understand kids as individuals or anything

Like children are almost seen entirely as being ‘perfect’ ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ and not much attention is given to them outside of that I think that’s why kids media is so helplessly about being good all the time.

But there are some cartoons I remember as a kid that were kind of surreal and strange, I didn’t really get the whole surreal thing, like Felix the cat is really surreal, cat dog, ren and stimpy.

I don’t know if I really liked that as much and there was Are you Afraid of the Dark and Goosebumps. Both of which basically tried to scare children into being good with moral messages behind every episode like comic books are trash they aren’t as good as BOOKs it’s not good to watch too much television

So bascially like, I feel compelled to tease apart what I would be like if I didn't start to care so much about morals and the like. I don't know another word for it really. But also taking into consideration how I was as a child. How I was less adverse to 'pain' and the notion of Peter Pan sort of, how it looks at the idea of childhood. But also I'm trying to figure out if there was a good purpose to it all, or if it was a waste of time for me. At least, something like that, or another.

I don't know what to refer to it is, or what to call it, the 'unbearable lightness of being, all things related to 'goodness'

I think as a small child, I wanted to avoid feeling pain too much, I just wanted to have fun. But I was really serious, intense, and passionate. I had a lot of energy. Thinking back, I wonder if I just wanted to 'go' all the time, I didn't necessarily have a motor or something. I wasn't considered an obnoxious or annoying kid. I guess it's just that there was moments I yearned for excitement, but riding my bike for an example was enough usually. But I kind of got kind of addicted to excitement at some point, not at an extreme level, but in a mostly harmless way, like part of the reading I had a hard time concentrating on things I didn't like was because it wasn't exciting enough. I always really like action movies and comic books because they were so exciting.

I think I also searched for meaning to an extent, but I don't know if that was a good thing exactly it's kind of want I feel like is the unbearable weight of lightness and goodness thing I want to avoid.

But I guess I want to understand how much of that stuff is really me (the philosophical and moral high minded stuff) and if it's not me.

I think I can recall by the time I was 5, I was already pretty fucked up. I had been traumatized pretty badly multiple times, and it wasn't exactly stopping anytime soon. I think that's why my childhood was so bad

I think that's why it was so bad because I was traumatized so many times pretty badly. I think it was probably worse then just parents fighting or regular dysfunction.

I developed pretty bad dissociation, I would lose track of time really easily and forget things all the time due to it and zone out all the time but I managed to overcome it somehow but growing up as a teenager nobody really understood my dissociating just some random fucked up thing I had.

Stop getting angry it's a sign of low intelligence

caffeine makes him irritable

I think being abandoned and orphaned at such a young age caused me extreme pain and grief, and I remember often times I wasn't comforted I wasn't spoken to, what I remember is I was put in front of a TV with a movie on and that was pretty much my only consolidation I think.

I think the movies along with the extreme grief let me down this path, because of the nature of what I was experiencing I was given really sad movies to watch but for children.

But anyway, I guess I don't know if it goes hand in hand or what it is, if it's really necessary to show that kind of perspective in regards with emotions like grief and sadness.

Like basically the main character in these shows is really sensitive, it's hinted at that their sensitive and that other characters that are basically kids are in similar situations but they're not as effected by it for some reason. I don't remember many of the movies I watched, I don't think the movies they put on to comfort my grief were really that bad. But I remember The Land Before time for some reason, and the main character littlefoot is basically a baby. He's portrayed as being very sensitive for some reason. I must have been like 2 years old when I watched it but I remember a lot od things. I think if it wasn't for the dissociation, I would have been a lot more with it.

This movie had to have been my favorite though, I loved it for some reason. Even then I was really struck by the romance in the movie, but how was I supposed to know that like in the movie, my love and romance would be different?

I guess it's all bascially goes back to Germany I think.

This movie really moved me, the visuals were so different it was kind of mesmerizing, it made me feel what love must be like, but I never really met anyone who made me feel those things

I never knew that's what love could be like for me

>>23049153
What are you talking about

>>23049441
you can meet someone who makes you feel that way, if you keep living
it's crazy how long humans live

Like okay, I had these two movies, that I'm petty sure my real parents left me, they were of course like my favorite movies and I watched them all the time nonstop. There was something kind of mystical and almost spiritual about them but not in an overbearing way, in fact I really like that aspect about them.

It was the Jetsons movie and one of the carebears movies.

I say Germany even though that might not be 100% accurate, but I was thinking, isn't Carebears sort of German almost? And also the Jettsons movie made me feel all these crazy things, but overall it had difficult moments and wasn't completely happy I thought it was an optimistic and upbeat movie just not obnoxiously so.

I say Germany because the kinds of colors that are used, and all the feelings that are invoked along with the general perspective in the movies, it's hard not to equate it to Germany to some extent, because even though it's not directly related to Germany, I think the style and everything overall Germany and like Japan deal with and like things like that the best, I think.

Like the Pebble and the Penguin, I'm sure that, a lot of the angles and perspectives that are used (like literally to frame the characters) must originate somewhere probably Germany. I'm not sure about the colors exactly, but that's probably Germany too.

Like okay, the kind of 'style'im talking about, I've thought about this a lot and I think, for one it's a type of style that sort of proceeds nationalism, it's also associated with Marxism, but it's not clearly the result of Marxism either, it proceeds Marxism to an extent. Most people don't get or understand this association with Marxism and see why it might matter at all.

It's just ' feeling' things deeply a certain way, it's usually denied or not depicted and shown, you get a sense that most people either can't feel it or they think it's wrong. But regardless, it's never really shown hardly. It's just that typically, it's found in Germany more often then not that Germany likes to fee things that way.

So it's hard not to associate that kind of thing with Germany, especially because a lot of the certain styles and different aspects originate from Germany to an extent.

It's not exclusive to Germany though, but also Germany is a superpower hence another reason why you might make illusions or comparisons to the country because there's a lot there.

>>23049576
The carebears "the new generation" were more colorful, I wonder what went into that the reasoning behind it, like, did carebears decide to be more extreme or what?

Fuck this movie had so much feeling to it, it was released in 1990 the end of the 80s, the style is nit quite the 80s, but it still has lots of feeling to it, how did they do that? It's a work of art because od that I think, I love how it's set in the future, i wish there was more things like that.

I just wished I was a teenager after watching this movie, I must have wanted to quickly grow up and I already yearned to be independently but I understand more deeply now, it's basically the thistle from Peter Pan, I wasn't used to pain enough yet.

But also, I didn't fully comprehend the difference between a child and a teenager is that you're less safe, you're much more at risk. That's a really precocious fact to realize, that you don't have as much independence simply because you're less safe so you have to be shielded away from the outside world because you're so much more at risk?

Also I think I wished I had lived in America instead and had a yearning to experience a typical American lifestyle. This movie, I would sum up some of the feeling in the movie as being somewhere between distinctly America, but still it's amazing that they were able to encapsulate and explain all this with the art and style. Like the way the Jetsons family is drawn in this image manages to make them feel american, but space age at the same time.

>>23029493 (OP)
>I am so forlorn and hopeless
Shut up, Vex

>>23050356
Are you, DT?

>>23050391
Idk who DT is so no

>>23050401
Why'd you call me vex?

>>23050415
You said "I am so forlorn and hopeless", and that reminded me of Vex from LoL because one of her voicelines is "I am dark and forlorn and hopelessly morbid" or some shit like that.

>>23050424
Do you mean League of Legends?

Ugh I had some weird dream I was on krypton as it was about to exploding people were running around screaming, I was running to try and get to an escape pod, I had these blue sticky tacs on the and I wrote down "sensor" "intuitive" and I wrote down all the autobots I those categories "Optimus prime intuitive" "bumblebee sensor"

I don't know what the fuck that had to do with anything I remember someone said an outside, "they store all their good in one or two people" he was like some type or foreign scientist or something and also, Jared Leto was there for some reason

>>23030837
How old are you? At least you've made some key realisations now. Many go through all of life and never wonder *why* they are that way.

Ugh yawn wokeup had made some tea still in the process of drinking

>>23052900
uh well it's pretty invasive, the negative feelings I get that are like personal demons are pretty noticeable so I can't really ignore them, I had to try and understand them or i might have never gotten a hold on them

I've been wondering why more people don't go up to the white house gate, I was kind of thinking about going to Washington, making an outfit based on some kind of outfit that Moses wears, I'll basically wear an Egyptian outfit and it will be an exact replica only I will add a blonde fuzzy wig to the top of my head and a red tie around my neck, and I will go up to the bars of the Whitehouse get and just stand there

I was also thinking about running around town dressed like that, and also going to Hollywood BLVD dressed like that

And then stand there against the bars for a few hours, I also thought about bringing a guitar and signing "give peace a chance" by John Lennon