>>64396642
“Alright lads, we’re going to the Caribbean. We’re British. Big fleet. Big army. Rich Spanish city. What could possibly go wrong?”
The Cast:
British: Admiral Edward Vernon, basically a man who thinks shouting “big ships, bigger guns” is a strategy. Around 186 ships and 27,000 troops. So, like, a small floating city with ambitions.
Spanish: Blas de Lezo, one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged legend. Think: pirate wizard but official. Defending Cartagena with ~6,000 troops. Basically, the ultimate underdog meme.
Phase 1: The “We’re Here, We’re Huge” Moment
The Brits sail up, guns shining, cannonballs probably polished. Vernon decides to land at Boca Chica, the narrow entrance to Cartagena. Spanish say: “Cool, we built a fort here, called Fort San Felipe, and it’s basically a brick-wall nightmare.”
Phase 2: The Siege That Isn’t
British try to blast the fort into submission. They’ve got cannons bigger than Blas de Lezo’s entire skeleton. But… oops. Spanish walls + expert placement + tropical storms = cannonballs mostly hitting the sand or missing completely. Vernon’s army is cooking in the Caribbean sun, sweating like a recruit in boot camp, while Spanish defenders are basically chilling and repairing walls between sips of rum.
Phase 3: Disease, Disasters, and Desertions
Yellow fever and dysentery show up like uninvited guests, killing thousands of British soldiers.
Supplies are late. Boats get lost. Ships run aground. Vernon probably spends half his time writing letters whining to London.
Morale: negative infinity. Soldiers mutter things like “Why the hell did we leave England for this?”
Phase 4: Blas De Lezo Flex
The Spanish general Lezo moves like a chess grandmaster.
Counterattacks? Easy. Hit-and-run raids? Yep. British army starts looking like a clown car of chaos.
Vernon finally realizes sending 27,000 men against 6,000 Spaniards behind walls isn’t a guaranteed win.
Phase 5: The British Retreat
1/4 dead.
Spanish win.
