I don't want to be bound by your laws, especially those imposed by racists (particularly phrenologists and eugenicists) and women (particularly radfems). I need to put myself above them through making myself far more of a divine being than anyone else. I need to break free from flesh, humanity, sex and gender, and all that would dare clip my wings. Even if women think that they can build a kinder world then me - even if they actually can - I'll burn it all down if it means that I can at least feel like a god for a day. At least that's what a part of me - the loudest and vilest part of my ego tells me. But I have many doubts too. I think I've become rather prone to mood swings. I don't know if I truly want to become a god if it means I sacrifice everything else that isn't me.

cont.
One time while on a plat 3 dose of DXM, I had come to realize that the reason why the creator god or the universe or whatnot had fragmented it's own divine and inexorable wholeness was so that it could experience love. That to be something and to see something that isn't you and still deeply feel for it is something beyond even divinity. If I were to dissolve everything into me and become everything that is and isn't, would I still be able to love? Do I even know how to love as I currently am given that I often fantasize putting myself at the helm of reality and creation? I wonder if that's something I'll miss.

I wonder if DXM (or maybe even the SSRIs I had taken for some time) destroyed my ability to suppress emotions effectively. I was able to be cold, detached, and quite frankly run away from every thought and feeling that made me uncomfortable without them surfacing. Maybe I am kind of like Miquella.
> Carved words coalesce. "I abandon here my composure."
Although perhaps if that's the case, maybe I can reabandon my emotions for good in order to ascertain my godhood. Although things keep happening to me that convince me that hey, maybe these emotions are a good thing even though most of them hurt and claw and suffocate. I'll figure things out eventually, I always do.

>>40049978 (OP)
in the catalog, the thumbnail looked 2 cheap wigs

I don't mean to contradict you but to be a god you have to lose your ego first, so let go of all pretentions, and most importantly don't rely on anything material that includes drugs and medicine.

I'd never try to reach divinity but when I lost everything I started feeling similar to how you felt, living in isolation helped me develop higher thoughts and after a lot of meditation I reached to the conclusion that drugs were simply a window to a realm of possibilities, those are were fake feelings that my brain kept processing as real to cope with the fact that I needed to work on myself so I sobered up and started trying to feel the way I felt while I was high, it tethered me harder into this reality but I managed to learn a lot about my body, to accept it and even how to force changes through muscle control.

>>40050800
I think that's more or less the conclusion that dreams and subconscious lead me to. There are more grounded ways to achieve some form of divinity than just drugs and drowning out one's sorrows. I'd have to learn with how to sit with myself without attempting to control my feelings.

>>40051009
I think that you can learn more about your feelings if you let them take over you, dive into a deep sadness which is the only feeling you can force, it is less dangerous than falling into depression as your thoughts and feelings have been fabricated on point, don't stop until your head starts injecting happy thoughts and even then continue grasping to melancholy, at some point you'll give up on it and reach bliss.

>relate
>start reading thread
>it's about DXM and feelings with "sacrifice" and "divine" sprinkled in
>was expecting conversations on life creation and using various forms of magic to intervene in the lives of others
Fake and barely gay, you're not ready yet

>>40051080
That sort of reminds me of how I fantasize of slipping beneath the cracks in the world and being taken somewhere else. Perhaps of I follow these feelings of melancholy enough, I'll be able to accomplish just that. At times, this idea still brings me even more hope than godhood.

>>40051103
To be fair, most of this is larp. I've mostly spent the past few months rotting in bed and occasionally doing uni work. I need to actually get consistent with studying Chaos Magick and Hermeticism eventually.

>>40051124
>needing to study it
>doesn't already have the natural ability / life path doesn't naturally take them down this road
Anon.... go do your homework

>>40049978 (OP)
>I need to put myself above them through making myself far more of a divine being than anyone else
So you see radfems as divine?

>>40051110
I don't think you should give up on that, you can reach certain kind of perceived divinity by controlling each aspect of yourself which is absolutely necessary for when you become completely aware, I used to think reaching a higher level or consciousness would set me apart from everyone else but it was the absolute opposite, I became ingrained into humanity, everything they did affected me more and I was getting drowned in their emotions hitting me like high tide waves, never before I had felt so much fear, it felt like my life was in their hands.
This is a very dangerous path and hard to navigate, many get lost on themselves and start becoming husks, emotions help you stay afloat, learn to boost them before you learn to take it all in.

>>40051196
I'm going to circumvent fate because I am inherently unbound.

>>40051207
No, just as opponents to any form of ascension on my end - they would like to see me bound and confined forever.

>>40051196
Besides, I'm still young. My life path - if something like that can even deterministically bind me - is far from set in stone. I've spent much of my life not living or acting with much agency, but such is the burden of one with limitless potential.

>>40051344
Forgot to add - rotting away complacently and choosing to let the world just pass by me with me having no say in it will be a thing of the past. I am slowly building my cocoon and soon I will be reborn a winged and blooming thing - an angel with beautifully charred wings. No one can stop me. But feel free to try, it would probably only make me stronger.

>>40051344
Age?

>>40051381
23 - I've fallen behind quite some time ago due to circumstances that I've let control me, but now I'm possessed with the burning desire to set the ruins of my past ablaze. Vincent Van Gogh didn't start painting until he was 27.