i don't feel anything right now, but not in an empty way. ask me anything

>>40058832 (OP)
how old are you?

>>40058832 (OP)
favourite food based solely on the way it looks?

>>40058854
22
>>40058882
caviar

>>40059065
for how long have you been transitioning?

>>40059119
7 months. i've been getting hondosed. maybe E levels above the male range would help

>>40059169
Just buy a vial online dumbass

>>40059203
i have. waiting for it to arrive currently

>>40058832 (OP)
sh pics?

>>40059301
i haven't self harmed physically (unless you count plucking body hair). i cut myself with a razor when shaving once and that was thrilling as hell cause i was scared my parents would find out i was shaving my wrist

>>40059399
looooooser
>>40059301
these are old i haven't shd in a while

>>40059425
i've had literal cat scratches worse than that. use something sharp.

>>40058832 (OP)

Do you ever get suicidal ideations?

>>40059614
yeah. they're usually easier to ignore the less emotion i feel (but also would be easier to act on if i wanted to)

which platform do you watch porn on

>>40059851
i usually read smut or get sent porn by my friends

>>40059993
r/smutttt

>>40058832 (OP)
why am i like this?

>>40060674
because of what you did in grade school.
your refusal to accept reality.
being an asshole to people because you talk to them when you know you can't empathize.
spending too much time around shitty people.
not accepting that your parents are abusive and choosing to think they're always right and you should act like them.

>>40060707
if my parents are abusive in the way that they are, is it really my fault for believing them when they say they're good? i only hung out around shitty friends in high school because my idea of good was so skewed. i only had anger issues in grade school because of my parents' constant arguing and probably a lot more that i can't remember. i'm an asshole because that's how nearly everyone i've paid attention to has been, and i mistook it as nice so i absorbed that behaviour. i lost the ability to feel other people's feelings and know what other people are feeling and thinking before the age of five. is anything really my fault?

>>40060729
you're literally talking to yourself on the internet. are you trying to make yourself go insane? also it's all your fault btw, don't try to deny it. it's not like free will doesn't exist.

>>40060747
free will might as well not exist for me. my parents programmed me to be their perfect retarded boy that's amazing at everything and so smart, but also easily manipulated and has to have everything done for him (ignore that she asks you to be allowed to do things, and the compliments you give about how independent he is). free will only exists if you're allowed to have it.

>>40060770
why bother living if free will doesn't exist and you clearly think the world is better off without you? i already know the answer: it's because you've deluded yourself into thinking there's hope

>>40060787
there is hope though! i just have to try harder at everything and put more effort into everything and that will make me not burnt out anymore!!

>>40060800
face reality. the only hope for us is to take our estrogen dosage into our own hands and see if that makes us more emotional, then if that doesn't work, do a heroic dose of psychedelics and hope it shocks our brain enough to let go of what's made us like this.

>>40060800
>>40060835
i hate you two. you always fucking catastrophize over our actions then when i go back into the situation you follow the exact train of thought we thought was bad! like wtf how are you me

>>40060887
maybe i'll give in and let us go permanently anti social. i deserve to, right? if i experienced so much hurt that i can shut off my emotions, then it's only fair for me to pass that on to people who have been hurt less than me (everyone), right?

i hope somebody i know sees all this so they know how awful i am and think about me all the time, because that's what i like the most. i want somebody to send a screenshot of this and be like "this you?" and of course i'll say "nuh uh no way hosé" because i'm a little bitch. but writing this i kinda hope that does happen, if only so i can be free of the burden of friends, which i keep desperately seeking for some reason.
also they have to be able to tell its me duhhhh

can sum1 read all dis pls? thx
xoxoxoxo mwah i love you and want to hug you.
i want somebody to cuddle so bad. i can't remember the last time somebody said something nice to me that carried meaning in my mind, or the last time i hugged somebody i cared about. or the last time i felt like a person. if i ever have, that is

somebody please tell me how to end this. i cant kill myself, something in my head stops me. i can't tell a doctor about this, something in my head stops me. i don't trust anyone i know irl enough to tell them this. anyone who hears me act like this would think i'm insane (and they're right,) but what's wrong with that? how will i ever become sane if i don't get help?
am i delusional for thinking i need to tell someone about this? my parents always told me to tell them whatever i wanted to (then usually get mad at me for feeling that way, because it huwts theiw feewings when i tell them anything bad). maybe that deluded me into thinking i need to ask for help instead of getting it on my own. maybe im wrong for isolating and doctors *would* help. it's only my parents that do that, right?

please please help. help help help. put me down. whh why why

>>40061275
I love you Nona . I'm sorry that you were born a tranny you didn't deserve this

>>40058832 (OP)
are you cute?

>>40061309
being a tranny barely even affects me now that i've started transition. it prolly fucked me up when i was in denial tho

>>40061322
yes

i feel like throwing up. i don't even know what i did to feel like this beyond a vague "you're the reason [bad thing] happened".

i wish i could talk to people about my life but all that's in it is fragments of memories and fragments of thoughts

>>40061576
>>40061542
KILL YOURSELF. WE ALL WANT IT. SO WHY CAN'T YOU?

>>40061694
because i want to live. i want to feel what normies feel, the thing they seem to enjoy so much.

who am i? am i one of those system things? if i am, i have no clue which part of me i am at any given moment.
i might be a schizo of some variety. i heard schizophrenia only gets worse over time. should i kill myself while i still have the mental faculties to, just in case i *am* full 'phrenic?

this might have formed back in high school when i had no friends for two years. (i think i'm forgetting something that would prove this theory wrong)

if there is a psychiatrist lurking here please
please


please

tell me how i can get out of this in any more detail than "therapy", or "you'll be fine once we do the doctor thing :3 :3 :3"

>>40061800
also i can't seem to answer any questions my psychiatrist asks honestly. i slip into a mode where i make things up because they sound true but they're really not and i'm just hiding

>>40061423
>yes
drop your discord

>>40061847
https://pastebin.com/mLBcEXWE

i probably have psychotic depression, that makes so much sense.

no! i have *Every* personality disorder except the unbased ones!!

NO! I'm anti social. (trying to be edgy but won't admit she is) (maybe she's still right who knows)

no, i'm just retarded and making shit up

NO i have OCD like my doctor diagnosed! (i was diagnosed with OCD tic disorder. does that cause this???)

why couldn't i break in a way that preserved some rational emotion?

i nearly always feel like an awful person. the best way i have to cope is to enjoy that feeling. but i don't, for one reason or another.

>>40063068
(because i hurt people when i lean into the "i'm an awful person" thing)