i need help pls help me figure myself out

a while ago i was still convinced that i cant be agp bc "i dont watch sissy porn" or bc "i care more about being recognised as a woman by society than about transforming my body". but most probably i had a distorted image about what agp is bc i got information about it mainly from 4chan.

recently ive educated myself more about the blanchards typology and i now it feels so over. by his typology im obviously agp, bc i realised im trans only at 18, havent had any interest in men up until the age of 17 and im to some extent autoerotic bc of my exhibitionism. i meet the diagnostic criteria for agp, to the question "have you ever gotten aroused while picturing a version of yourself that has female characteristics" i would have to answer "yes".

i have some hypotheses about why it happens, one of them is "being starved from femininity" and it assumes that trannies who are starved from femininity develop intense fantasies about them getting or having said femininity, just the way ppl starved from food develop intense fantasies about getting or having food, the other one is "correcting your mental image of yourself in order to cope with dysphoria", it assumes that it is hard to have normal sexual fantasies while also getting feedback from the body that you resent and you have to pay some of your attention to imagine an other version of yourself while fantasizing which makes the fantasy more self-centered. both of these hypotheses assume that agp goes away while someone transitions and honestly all of this seems like a huge cope, maybe i am becoming less and less agp but maybe im just delusional.

>>40200187 (OP)
Jeeps are the only ones with valid dysphoria according to blanchard's typology. It's not that bad desu, just how one's brain works and it rarely manifests itself as being a sissyfag anyways

i also really want to believe that i have an actual female brain that developed gynephilia at an early age to cope with gender incongruence, to me this theory sounds more realistic than the theory about meta-attraction to men developed later in life, but its probably yet another cope of mine. my only silver lining left is the fact that i have female digit ratio, i like this one bc its easily measurable and gives simple answers but for the same reason its kinda dumb.

the thought of "just being a male with a paraphilia" disturbs and humiliates me so much. i resent and am disgusted by the idea that my sexuality could be anything close to male and also that was one of the main reasons why i pursued transitioning. i hated masturbating pretransition (especially ejaculating) but i had to do it only bc my libido was so high. i hated being addicted to malebrained porn and im glad that cypro made it so easy to quit. it might be better now but the awareness that ill be agp forever no matter what makes me feel as if all of my effort was for nothing. i would without a second thought give up any of my ability to have sex or any sexual pleasure just to be able to become a regular hussy-ish tranny. but i cant. and it really makes me feel like trash.

honestly i dont remember when was the last time when thinking about ending it all felt so liberating. from the time i learnt about me most probably being agp have been randomly jumping between all 5 stages of grief, right now im shivering, afraid of human interaction irl bc they might see me as a perv the same way i do now.

Just be cute have sex with boys and stop being neurotic :3

Agp is an academic concern, you should just worry about how to cope best with gender dysphoria. People get depressed over this stuff cause they think it means they aren't really a woman, which causes intense despair from gender dysphoria. Whether or not you are "really" anything doesn't matter, if you have GD then the treatment is transition

>>40200226
Camille paglia mentions being a lesbian before puberty until hormones and the subsequent brain feminization turned her straight so youre not far off. Personally I went from gay to bi to gay

>>40200187 (OP)
agp is pretty much just female sexuality, its all of a sudden just not agp if you're already a woman. yeah the agp doesn't fully go away but like it's much less about just being a woman and becomes more specific stuff typically

>>40200187 (OP)
the only way you can help yourself is to be less harsh on yourself on your urges. when people say 'work on yourself' its not just about doing x amount of squats or push ups its about identifying what you're missing and start filling the holes. you discover what the holes are reading more, hanging out with others, doing uncomfortable things, experimenting safely. then you can discover what your hard lines are. you say you're 'femininity starved' then hang around with more women. if you hate your body you can probably work on your diet and take up some exercises you enjoy. youll slip up but dont isolate yourself and think extreme thoughts.

>>40200224
Once he gets on HRT he'll turn into a gigatransbian due to having his libido nuked, which will make the fuel for the AGP sissy fantasies stop.

>>40200312
i mean the way daddy blanchard describes it, "just being a heterosexual male with erotic target location error", it does make me think that i'm not really a woman.

>>40200331
i was exclusively into girls before puberty, i remember having very intense crushes from a very early age. when i was 13 i typed "naked boobs" into the search engine and you can guess what happened next. when i was 17 i just thought that femboys are hot and it went from there to manly men (although the "soft boy" type would be my favourite ig). that being said, it seems kind of similar, but idk if that convinces me to anything. its not really liking women that i resent bc i acknowledge that most women are probably bi with a preference anyways.

>gay to bi to gay
you mean like gay liking boys or gay liking girls? sry im confused my breakdown has left me with 2 last braincells fighting for the 3rd place

>>40200187 (OP)
Rejection of femininity and the view that it's gross & or anti-masculine will lead you to where you are, you're probably bisexual and rejecting it on a level of self hatred, why do you want to kill yourself for having the feel in which millions have had previously throughout their lives? Is it due to the modern view that femininity on men is gross or is it self hatred? Realistically you should indulge it and see how you feel without hating yourself, I'd recommend being more fem during sex if you can find someone accepting e.g. doing your nails, shaving your body hair, test that out and if you really feel brave try using a toy on yourself or if you find it hot bottom for a dom girl or guy

>>40200481
Would being a gay man make you feel more like a woman? Because that's what hsts is under Blanchard's typology. There's no "real woman" archetype

>>40200351
this is one of the most common points against blanchards typology. i also blelieved it before,
but blanchard says that there is a clear difference between women who just "want to feel like women" in bed and autoerotism. women like feeling feminine in sexual contexts, but their fantasies are not self-centered. the fact of being a woman is not arousing in itself, but only making other sexual experiences more comfortable and validating. for me, i cant really tell you if thats the case. and im too afraid to explore it.

>its all of a sudden just not agp if you're already a woman
you're kinda right, even if you look at pro-blanchardism research, a noticeable minority of women will still meet agp criteria and no one really gives a fuck. its still way more common in trannies tho.

>>40200361
>urges
i dont even have them anymore, its more like it just turns out that my fantasies are at least somehow self-centered whenever i masturbate. i seriously consider just quitting masturbation.

>hang around with more women
i actually do and now when i think about it, whenever i have more fulfilling social interactions, i have less needs or temptations for autoerotic fantasies.

maybe i am really scared about the label more than about any actual implications of it that might not even be there, desu i kinda feel better now but i cant guarantee that i wont be back in despair in an hour bc it has been like that for several days now

>>40200603
Idk, being a bottom for a hung guy seems like a pretty feminine thing to do, if you're already inclined to be fem.

Agp doesn't exist, it's a transphobic notion that really only exists on this cesspool of a board

>>40200551
as i said, its not really liking women that i resent, its more about being supposedly paraphilic. i dont want to reject femininity, i want to reject autoerotic femininity. i cant really imagine living as a man that just seems like a life wasted on dissociating from it.

also, i might have forgotten to specify it, but i'm already 2 years hrt with my transition actually being mostly successful ig, i think its mostly successful successful at least bc i have accepting cissy friends and i pass at least 50% of the time. transition-wise, everything seems to be going into the right direction. but i just dont want to be a perv. simple as that

>>40200603
if i have to choose between being a paraphilic straight man and a gay man, i would obviously choose to be a gay man duh

>>40200729
i think that the concept of agp that exists on this board is actually much different from how blanchard talks about it. for instance, blanchard specifically says that aap isnt a real thing bc its just women who want to participate in gay sex (or whatever he says).

i think that blanchard typology is somehow similar to personality tests like mbti. these kind of models give you rigid labels without boring in-between options, and descriptions that are made to cause a "so true" effect. thats why they are so appealing.

imagine you solve an mbti test, but when you get the result, it accurately tells you how shit of a person you are, and thats how i feel now.

>>40200966
Interesting, it just seems to me like referring to yourself as having agp gives phones ammo but that is definitely an interesting take

>>40201247
Phobes*

>>40201247
>having agp gives phobes ammo
it does. desu im really anxious that even being agp will give phobes ammo and thats yet another reason why i really really dont want to have anything to do with agp

also, i have come up with yet another silver lining, pls tell me if it makes sense or if its just cope:

when i randomly imagine, while sitting here and typing this, that i have a female reproductive system, or that i have bigger boobs, such fantasy is really beautiful and comforting, but not arousing. for arousal i'd need something more specific, like imagining myself having these characteristics while also recording myself doing freaky shit. my autoerotism is tied to exhibitionism, i want to believe that it stems from exhibitionism more than it stems from transness, but idk, it might be just me coping.

>>40201363
I think that as long as you can separate the exhibitionism from your trans identity then you definitely cannot be considered agp

>>40200187 (OP)

Blanchard is pseudoscience, AGP isn't real. Go to therapy. Stop self educating with 40 year old sources. Stop listening to 4chan. You're normal. Jeez y r 18 year olds so dumb

>>40201483
i have done this shit since i was 14 and i havent had any idea about me being trans back then, on the one hand i have no idea how i was able to do something like that without any dysphoria while being a boy (probably bc my features werent that masculine yet + i was poorly educated about lgbt topics), on the other hand, that should confirm that my exhibitionism is separable from my transness. but im still wondering what makes you so sure that i "definitely" cannot be considered agp.

>>40201616
i know. but the sole possibility that this theory might be real makes me wanna kms. i've explained how it makes me feel in >>40200966

>>40200187 (OP)
EMBRACE IT

>>40201690
never gonna happen, you can goon off your lil clitty to sissy hypno as much as you want but there no way im ever gonna do that bc i. resent. perverseness.

>>40201630
Well again I don't think agp actually exists. But being able to differentiate between your fetishes and gender identity definitely wouldn't lend to any idea of being agp. I think it really is a lie perpetuated by places like 4chan to make trans people doubt themselves and or repress

>>40201960
thank you for your input. i feel a little better. i'll do my best to return to my normal everyday tranny life without crying about stupid shit i've read online

>>40202019
Great! Definitely don't take a lot of the slop on this website seriously. There are far too many people here in bad faith trying to make us question who we are and what leads us to this stage in our lives

>>40201788
you cant get rid of it. is not a perversion, is a blessing. being AGP for me doesn't feel like gender dysphoria, just the joy of being a fucking sissy. i dont know how that works for you but surely you are now by laws of nature a perfect sissy fembrained barbie

there is always things that you aren't going to like about yourself, any human being hardly develop well adjusted to a point that everything feels fine. you will need to accept this as part of yourself now because as much as you want it to go, if you push it away, it harder will come back

nice try to trigger my exhibitionism with this pic but it didnt work, whatever, i'd say you do you and i do me and i hope that you'll have a good life with your agp blessing.

>>40202297
oh my god it did trigger you? i wasn't even trying. in any case, listen to me. dont push away these natural feelings, its unhealthy. you are love. you are all love. as soon as you accept yourself the leas regrets you'll have

>>40202441
least* sorry for the typo