Summer Edition
previous: >>40056254, >>40211079

Goal of the thread: Go out for a walk, or try to get any other form of small exercise (walking stairs for 5 mins for example)
Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!

>What is this thread for?
Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.
Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.
>Why is this thread /lgbt/?
Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.
>Notes to consider:
Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:
WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION
>Note on advice
Generic advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.

We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!
Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!

## RESOURCE LINKS:

Resource link paste: https://sntry.cc/sig-resources-2024-04
General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04
Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04

>>40217248 (OP)
(please bear with me, I'm not your usual siganon, but still...)

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- DRINK A GLASS OF WATER
- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)
- BONUS BONUS: DRINK ANOTHER GLASS OF WATER

Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: I believe the IRC channel is defunct, correct me if I'm wrong.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

I spent hours waiting for someone to no avail, I keep doing this and it needs to stop.
Also doing things I don't enjoy and get no benefits from just to be around other people, at the end of the day none of them care about me and if I disappeared nobody would miss me.
I need to focus on myself and my (long neglected) goals and only then cut some time in when I can for other people and "stupid" activities.

bump

>>40217449
what are some of your goals?

>>40217449
what are some of your goals?

>>40217775
Fixing my life, going back to school, keeping up good daily habits and schedules, maybe finding some friends but I'm in no position to even think about making that happen.

>>40217878
ive been missing you a lot every day, its not true that no one would miss you if you disappeared. i hope you achieve your goals

>>40217878
ive been missing you a lot, its not true that no one would miss you if you disappeared. i tried texting you yesterday but my number is blocked. i hope you achieve your goals

>>40217878
ive been missing you a lot, its not true that no one would miss you if you disappeared. i tried texting you yesterday. i hope you achieve your goals

>>40218062
I don't think I am who you think I am, thank you anyway.

>>40218106
if you mean that literally, it would be a pretty crazy coincidence if you weren't. west coast?
otherwise i would like to think i know who you are to an extent, i wasnt as kind and comforting as i should have been when you were open and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. im sorry

>>40218124
I'm not american.
I hope you tell that person how you feel I think they would appreciate it.

>>40218312
embarrassing. i apologize.
>I hope you tell that person how you feel I think they would appreciate it.
i tried texting her but she has my number blocked im pretty sure. i wish i could tell her how i feel, it leaves my stomach in twists knowing how it ended and knowing i didnt treat her how she deserved and needed.
anon, if you opened up to someone who said they care about you and they didn't give you the love you needed in return, please give them another chance. it can be intimidating and scary to give love sometimes but they really do mean well

>>40218382
I give people multiple chances, against my best judgment, and I always regret it at the end.
I'm sure it's partly if not mostly my fault, because I'm the only constant there, but I wish people were more straightforward and told me what they think when it happens to be something important to the relationship. I always feel clueless unless people tell me how they feel explicitly and even then I don't know if I should believe them, I choose to do it and I end up alone.
If she's like me she'll unblock you or find another way to talk to you, if not she might do that anyway, I don't know, hope things work out, you sound like you mean well.

>>40218431
>I give people multiple chances, against my best judgment, and I always regret it at the end.
>I'm sure it's partly if not mostly my fault, because I'm the only constant there, but I wish people were more straightforward and told me what they think when it happens to be something important to the relationship. I always feel clueless unless people tell me how they feel explicitly and even then I don't know if I should believe them, I choose to do it and I end up alone.
you say the same things she does, it breaks my heart to know there's other people who deal with the same issues that she does so similarly.
its kind of you to give people multiple chances, even when it hurts and makes it feel like they don't care. i often felt intimidated, so id imagine itd take a few tries for me before getting it right. i hope you figure out what your portion of things are, i think people who don't ever feel the need to rely on others can end up inadvertently across as not desiring it.
one of the things i noticed talking to her that broke my heart was the intense desire for closeness, and yet the seeming invisibility she had with everyone around her. it made me want to give her so much love and hold her until she felt okay.
>If she's like me she'll unblock you or find another way to talk to you, if not she might do that anyway, I don't know, hope things work out, you sound like you mean well.
thank you, i hope so too, from the bottom of my heart. i miss hearing her sweet voice talking in my ear and seeing her beautiful smile looking back at me when i looked up at her and hearing all of her experiences in life
i apologize if some of this is incoherent or unclear, ive been awake all night

>>40218431
>I give people multiple chances, against my best judgment, and I always regret it at the end.
>I'm sure it's partly if not mostly my fault, because I'm the only constant there, but I wish people were more straightforward and told me what they think when it happens to be something important to the relationship. I always feel clueless unless people tell me how they feel explicitly and even then I don't know if I should believe them, I choose to do it and I end up alone.
you say the same things she does, it breaks my heart to know there's other people who deal with the same issues that she does so similarly.
its kind of you to give people multiple chances, even when it hurts and makes it feel like they don't care. i often felt intimidated, so id imagine itd take a few tries for me before getting it right. i hope you figure out what your portion of things are, i think people who don't ever feel the need to rely on others can end up inadvertently across as not desiring it.
one of the things i noticed talking to her that broke my heart was the intense desire for closeness, and yet the seeming invisibility she had with everyone around her. it made me want to give her so much love and hold her until she felt okay.
>If she's like me she'll unblock you or find another way to talk to you, if not she might do that anyway, I don't know, hope things work out, you sound like you mean well.
thank you, i hope so too, from the bottom of my heart. i miss hearing her sweet voice talking in my ear and seeing her beautiful smile looking back at me when i looked up at her and hearing all of her experiences in life

>>40218431
>I give people multiple chances, against my best judgment, and I always regret it at the end.
>I'm sure it's partly if not mostly my fault, because I'm the only constant there, but I wish people were more straightforward and told me what they think when it happens to be something important to the relationship. I always feel clueless unless people tell me how they feel explicitly and even then I don't know if I should believe them, I choose to do it and I end up alone.
you say the same things she does, it breaks my heart to know there's other people who deal with the same issues that she does so similarly.
its kind of you to give people multiple chances, even when it hurts and makes it feel like they don't care. i often felt intimidated, so id imagine itd take a couple of tries for me before getting it right. i wanted to tell her how badly i wanted to take care of her, but at the same time i felt stupid for even thinking of suggesting it. i hope you figure out what your portion of things are, i think people who don't ever feel the need to rely on others can end up inadvertently coming across as not desiring it.
one of the things i noticed talking to her that broke my heart was the intense desire for closeness, and yet the seeming invisibility she had with everyone around her. it made me want to give her so much love and hold her until she felt okay.
>If she's like me she'll unblock you or find another way to talk to you, if not she might do that anyway, I don't know, hope things work out, you sound like you mean well.
thank you, i hope so too, from the bottom of my heart. i miss hearing her sweet voice talking in my ear and seeing her beautiful smile looking back at me when i looked up at her and hearing all of her experiences in life

Not really sure I can be friends with someone Ive had feelings for anymore. It's just too hard and my emotions go crazy too often and it hurts too much. It really sucks because I don't really have friends, and she was such a great friend, but I just can't do this anymore. It's been fun for the years Ive stuck around, but it just keeps hurting and I can't do this anymore. It's just too much hurt for someone who clearly doesn't prioritize me at all anymore

>>40218431
>>40218612
i apologize if i said something wrong or was unclear or incoherent, ive been awake all night and have only had a bowl of oatmeal to eat for the past 36 hours.
im going to get some sleep, thank you for talking to me anon, it was very nice. at your suggestion, i texted her again saying what i said here. im not sure if she'll respond but it felt good to tell her regardless. i hope you achieve your goals and your openness and vulnerability are treated with the kindness and love they deserve

>>40218431
>>40218612
i apologize if i said something wrong or was unclear or incoherent, ive been awake all night and have only had a bowl of oatmeal to eat for the past 36 hours.
im going to get some sleep, thank you for talking to me anon, it was very nice. at your suggestion, i texted her again saying what i said here. im not sure if she'll respond but it felt good to tell her regardless. i hope you achieve your goals and your openness and vulnerability are treated with the kindness and love they deserve

>>40218696
Take care of yourself first anon, she won't, and I presume others don't prioritize you either.
You don't have to do it in the asshole-selfish way, but the compassionate-put-your-own-oxygen-mask-first self-compassion way can help

>>40201917
>so what's the actual plan
I've at various points considered both, the second option is the current plan because I genuinely feel like I'm just going to be pressured back into repping if I tell anyone who knows me as essentially "guy who was trying to join the Marines / Navy (depends on who I'm talking to - my family outside my brother do not know I tried for the Marines or the army) and is joining the army". I don't think unless im sort of semi passable boymoder that I'll make sense which is at least a year off probably longer.
It's not like I've ever come out as bi either, I don't hide it but i don't volunteer it. I do make very limited efforts to ID myself as queer day to day, admittedly in the most subtle way possible but I have to normalise myself to it and doing it while I'm still mostly built like, well, someone joining the marines is safe enough.
>If there are people in your immediate IRL circle you can be?
Brother (i mean he's historically been pretty phobic but I've been slowly working him around by basically getting into arguments with terfs on twitter where he can see - there is more to be said there) possibly but his (6+ year) gf self IDs as a terf.
My parents are an obvious one but I literally just wrote 3 paragraphs in my notes on why I don't trust them with it so the mental barrier there is way too potent.
Coworkers are so beyond out of the question it's not even worth explaining (and frankly, have only been in this job 8-10? Months).
I've told exactly one person irl that I've ever taken HRT and it was fine but that was in a professional context (basically when the stakes are zero i can just about manage it).
My neighbour has been suggested before and i think she knows I'm some variation of queer already (she ran into me while i was out with my rainbow keyring on my work carabiner - she's a lesbian for ref) but i don't think i know her well enough to drop that info on her.

>>40220449
Oops forgot to put my trip back on.
I should probably go do my cardio but I'm just trying to stick to my diet at this point while my gyms shut.
Finally sent off an email to at least look into getting laser started.
Idk, everything seems easier if I just pretend to myself that im doing it as a cis man not a trans woman.
It's the idea of being seen as trans which scares me not the actual action of doing very odd.
Whatever, i have my totally cis reason, I'm joining the army, i hate shaving, very simple.

>>40220478
Oh yeah also while I'm here (sorry, spamming the thread) i realised half the brainworms I've had have been
>What if it's honfidence/delusion
Whenever I feel good about myself or like I'm progressing in transition
And
>Holy shit im so malebrained wtf is wrong with me.
Which i know is the dumbest shit ever but like it wasn't like I tried for the RM etc because of purely masc expectations it does unfortunately also just appeal to me personally (i grew up between 2015-2020 on /k/ culture and spent shit loads of time before then in war museums etc like dawg I was doomed to be a military autist). Lulu was probably right tho I'm deff like on spectrum lmao because i cant stop yapping constantly.

>deleted all of the apps because I was spending too much time on them
>midway through a 6 week PT course
>started a new skincare regiment and seeing results already
>back into reading
i still want a relationship but I'm hoping it'll come naturally and not from an algorithm <3

>>40220478
I hope the reputation of the last namefag with that one won't affect you badly

>>40220576
>>40220478
>>40220449

>> I genuinely feel like I'm just going to be pressured back into repping if I tell anyone who knows me as essentially {guy who's joining the Army}
Tactically, repping in the immediate term is your best option, and your actual plan. The problem is your clearance - but you have said a thread or two before if I remember right (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that they're not as tough on LGBT stuff. AND you have people "in". First question is - do they know, can you get advice from them? Second - since clearances are supposed to gauge how likely is it that a Moscowite asshat (or any other enemy asset) finds and uses blackmail on you, the more "out" you are the less blackmail will blow back on you.


Look, you're /k/, trying for the army. Let's get tactical.
> What's the *worst* that can happen to you if you tell your parents/brother, etc.?
> What's the chance they'll disown you, or in case of work, you'll get fired?
> Is there an order? (Would the chances of a negative reaction increase if you ie. told your parents after your brother? If you told your neighbor before your parents?)
For me, when I came out, I went to my mom first then my dad. My situation was:
> There was a 50-50 chance Mom would disown me. (She didn't, however she didn't accept me and pressured me to rep until I had my papers with my name/gender marker corrected)
> There was a 99.9% chance that Dad would disown me. (He did, and was traumatized by the event. He required years of therapy and hard antipsychotics to process it. He later changed his will, but we didn't speak for years, and to his death he deadnamed me, and before my SRS he tried to convince me to get into reparative therapy - he literally said "brainwashing" - and after my SRS he tried to convince me to have it reversed.)
(cont.)

>>40221239
> My worst fear of getting kicked out of the house didn't come true, but money problems made me drop out of college and find a real job, almost right after my LGR.
> My sister still deadnames me. Blanchard would be proud of her, anytime I act even a little less than the perfect model of femininity, she's like "aha, I knew you're just a transtender!"
> My two uncles had their clearances black marked because of me. I try my best to limit contact so that their clearances stay clean. One serves in the Police, and recently got promoted to 2LT after finishing Police OCS, the other serves in the Air Force, on a classified mission (what little we know is from anecdote, but by that intel, there's a reason his mission is classified).

Sorry for focusing the entire thread on me, and Navy, no. You're not too much. You don't reduce the resources available for everyone else to heal, healing isn't a zero-sum game. If you need it, you're welcome here anytime, as well as your brainworms. We try our best to poison brainworms. But they have a tendency to be loud and insistent.

My rant came down to:
> It's not as horrible to come out as you believe it to be.

>>40202242
>the strangeness
I'm definitely still feeling weird. I feel better, and a lot more capable of going outside or retaining information or just generally putting in effort lately, but I feel like I'm trying to process a lot of information and I need some way to stabilize my system. I'm kind of at a loss for how to have those conversations or do that processing, I guess I'd hoped I'd find some guidance w my therapist or whatever but the details might be 99% up to me. The danger of shutting down and returning to old dissociative habits feels high

I may have backslid the past week (though it may just be part of the process?). My brain is chattering a lot trying to tell me things or process stuff, telling me this stuff about what pain means and about change, and I can sense im resisting understanding, and it tends to get frustrated and freak out when I don't understand what it's saying.
And it's hitting me again how illiterate in my self, in my own feelings and needs and wants, I am. I think I'm still living in fantasy land a lot desu and carry around a lot of unrealistic expectations. Maybe I would just *like* this to be the case, but it feels a lot like when my egg was cracking, and I 'knew' on a gut level but I wasn't ready to directly acknowledge it.
I wish I knew how to have these conversations with myself better, cause nothing really important seems to stick
I've gotta try to stay adaptable. Maybe I need to stop caring what happens in my mind, or to 'me', so much.
Anyway I'm trying to focus on goals & moving outward & not letting my brain trap me. I think the general thrust of what I'm hearing from myself is that I want to possess and express and metabolize every detail & in the bluntest sense my freedom is contingent on not being consumed in those compulsions, not thinking black and white
>video
The adhd video you linked is rly inspiring. I also love the monkey branches metaphor in the other one. Actually the last one hits hard too... Great shares, ty

bump!

>>40220930
Actually devastated when I learned lmao. Especially since I'd been using this trip in sig (I only trip here for readability) since 2023.
>>40221239
>that they're not as tough on LGBT stuff
Yea so the only thing i'd flag on probably would be a blackmail risk, like i'm financially sound, but also if GCHQ (well it's not GCHQ who do checks iirc but whatevs) ever see this, i genuinely don't give a shit if I get outed once i'm in service i'm just dodging a silly joining policy issue - my plan is still to tell my CoC as soon as I'm through Ph2 and at a unit.
>work case
This is the easiest one, I'd probably end up just leaving b/c i'd say 90% odds of harassment issues.
>worst case
It's not like I'll get disowned, I think, but constant judgement and/or potentially getting paraded about as token trans kid by my Mum in particular, like as a child she used to routinely humiliate me in front of her friends for being friends with girls etc and she's given away info i've told her in trust and asked her to keep private before. She said to me before she wanted a gay kid (when I was like 15), and it's like
>oh great you want a token to parade to your friends to show how progressive you are
((this contributed to me repping btw))
My brother would probably be embarrassed by me if anything if still friendly, SIL might treat me as "one of the good ones" maybe (we're fairly close - I say self IDs as terf, think tiktok radfem)
For my dad, it's hard to gauge, but I expect 50/50 either accepting or continuous judgment about something he'll likely view as a mistake (which would push me back towards repping).
It's not like I'll be shit out of luck even if I was kicked out, lost contact entirely etc, but I'm in the position of not wanting to have my relationships change because they're in a good place, while recognising the inevitability of that change. For the most part, I just dont want to have to argue with my family over being trans and how they handle that.

Wish I was trutrans and not mef agp rogd tocd gooning fake feminization yuri troony loony non female man In a man’s body

>>40221294
Sidenote on
>Brainworms
Hypnosis works on me, so yeah, I do that a fair amount to switch off that part of my brain for a while. Probably why I'm in a better headspace today.
Oh, also, I forgot about clearances as well.
On all my dating profiles, I am openly trans.
Like I'm closeted to everyone I know IRL, but online I'm pretty much always presenting as transfem (outside of socials with my family on them).
But yea, idk how it would all read to anyone running a check (if they even found it all) but on a personal level I know it would be pretty useless info to try and blackmail me with lol (and frankly the idea of being outed by like the FSB is deeply hilarious to me. Not to be too manic, but if I knew that was a certainty I would 100% roll with that).
It's pretty insane to me that someone would get marked down for having a trans relative, but alas, it seems to me increasingly that despite trans people being the "outsiders" it is cis people who can't be normal adults.

I feel ashamed. Overwhelmed. Today and yesterday, because I wasn’t in as much pain as earlier on in the week, I fell into some of the same old “seeking out harm but disguising it as healthy behaviour” traps as I always do. I took all the painkillers I’m allowed to take and drank caffeine and alcohol along with my ritalin, barely ate anything, engaged in a physical activity that was too rough for my current state for hours while socialising with literal strangers to the point where some of them seemed to indicate potentially forming a mild sexual interest in me.
I don’t know how to end this post. I feel gross. I guess I’m more out of it than I thought.

>>40225231
I forgive you. And I cherish you a great deal.

>>40225296
Thanks anon. … reading that felt nice.

>>40225906
take that kiss on your cheek and treat yourself today. I won't take no for an answer. Goodnight!