I've felt I'm bi for a long time. I'd rather be with men and just be a straight woman, cuz it would be very dysphoric for me to be with another woman like
>I don't date within my own community because doubling trans issues etc
>I do NOT want to deal with baby queers. I want them to know themselves and not be in denial or any stupid shit like that.
>Therefore, I would be stuck with somewhat experienced cis lesbian women... Cis lesbians who likely know how to handle a vagina and have been with women who know as much even when they're starting out and know a lot of shit I could only ever hope to know and have too much shit I'd need to explain to them and deal with due to them being cisgender. Probably also from the city and vegan.
So I decided I want to just live as a straight girl. I mean, its easier; almost all the porn I see on the internet is for straight people. I also prefer sexual submission, so that's easy.

I am somewhat aroused by it initially so there's that. I even think I fell for a man once like I'm pretty sure he was a guy I have no reason to believe otherwise, but I also never saw him; we were just doing some pen-pal thing, but despite never seeing him once, we were in constant contact, still are, and discussed a lot of things about our personal lives and everything. I could most likely find him if I felt like it.

I mean that makes me not a homosexual. Right?

And yet every goddamn time I try with men, I feel sexually disappointed. Why?? I don't prefer women... I don't want that. I just want to be find a good ma. I don't want to deal with other women. I want some socially kinda dumb, predictable man who doesn't hate people and just kinda vaguely knows he's dumb. Why can't I have that? I tried a woman and even though she said she liked it, she literally graded me "B-", barely, with me servicing her... plus women I've met tend to have this kinda sneaky, insidious meanness when they're upset and ngl, I like accessing privilege

How can I like men?

>>40255546 (OP)
I'm sure I like guys... I mean, sure they smell too strong, and sure I'm not used to seeing them in a sexual way, but you know like that big guy that played Aqua Man that one time is pretty cute. I mean, me realizing I'm bi was part of me realizing I'm trans. I'm sure I'm equally attracted to men.

I must be. It was foundational. I like men... I prefer men..I don't want to be with a woman. That must be why its intimidating because I happen to have a tendency to prefer sexual submission, (although its not a necessity) so I just am afraid that could lead to misogyny and I must be scared of being hurt by a man with all the stories I've heard, but the thing is, I know how to be safe. So its fine.
I'm sure its fine. I just need to stop being scared of them I mean lol a lot of my friends before were men. It should be fine. I know what they're about. I'm sure its still familiar territory even if I've been around mostly women now, my whole life I've mostly been around mostly men who play dnd and stuff.

>>40255546 (OP)
find a guy you like and just give it some time
unless he's a total pushover you'll almost certainly end up liking him more as time goes on

>>40255546 (OP)
how old are you and what're your letters?

Plus I pass as straight. I got everything taking care of. I can just be a girl now. I just need to live as a straight girl and it will be ok. Men like bisexual women I just need to stop being scared........
....

>>40255588
....

Every time I go on porn sites or when I like at men and then look at women, I seem to prefer the women... but I don't like that and I thought I was bisexual. I feel like being with a man would be easier because I don't have to code myself gay and embarrass myself and all those things and I don't want to get queerbashed or whatever. I'm really scared. I'm scared of men and women and everything else desu but at least I don't have to worry about how much I do or don't understand men and it would give me gender validation... I know thatast part is fucked up, but I'm just so tired.

But... I'm scared that maybe I don't like men after all and I don't like that. That's scary.
>>40255599
I'm trans and over 30. I am not otherwise particularly experienced. I have only been out and transitioning for like 3 years.
Fwiw I look younger than I am.

>>40255612
>pass as straight
Pass as cisgender*
Brain fart I guess.

Its just... there's always this wall with men. I thought right before realizing I was trans that I had figured out I was bi. I mean sure it was because I was crossdressing "and that's gay" and it felt really validating and the guy in question is kinda... but still I felt I realized I was bi/pan. Well, I can't say I'm pan regardless because I like a lot of enbies, but that's obviously complicated and I don't know what that is.

But every time I try to be with a man, any time I try to have sex with a man, any time I try to watch porn with men or of men, any time I read erotica with men, there's this fucking thing I can't get past. Like a candle that starts, and then goes out quickly. The man starts to feel more like an inanimate object. I often feel gross afterwards.

I don't like this... I just want to be a girl. I feel like I won't look like a girl if I try to attract women and I feel like I'll messa something up. But I must be into guys... I think...
>>40255546 (OP)
Just realized I might want to clarify that when I say all the porn "I see" I don't mean what I typically choose to watch or what gets me off, I mean like when I open up xnxx, I see straight porn..
I mean,.I sucked off a trans woman?... no... that's just transphobia...

Goddammit why can't I just be into men?? I hate this. I wanna go back to playing house with that one maybe-guy. Why can't it be this fucking simple? I have enough problems.

>>40255885
After typing all this out are u still sure that the mental gymnastics of trying to convince yourself to get off to men is less effort and anguish than dealing with the highly improbable hypothetical that you will only experience worst case scenarios in any experiences with women?

Try to be less quick to judge other people or what you assume your interactions with them will be like. Don’t get me wrong, it’ll still sting when your brainworms were right, but it helps to prove them wrong sometimes

I'm just happy that I don't have to pretend to want to rizz up women or flirt with them anymore.
Like, I would always think
> ugh now I have to flirt with her and make all of these advances because I'm supposed to be a straight dude and take the lead although I have actually no interest in that and am totally okay with just staying friends
I can finally admit to myself that I like hugging my male friends not just because I'm European, but because I'm into them.
I can finally admit that I'm a submissive bottom that wants to cuddle a lot.
Sure I'm maybe a Kinsey 4 or 5 and thus bisexual, but also I don't wanna be in a relationship with a woman and the desire to pursue them is and always was too small to justify the effort.