i met him here when i was 21, suicidal, friendless, and failing university. i was pretty but that was basically all i had. he was 30, employed, married.
he made me cut for him, but i liked cutting for him. he made me cry, but afterwards i asked him to make me cry more. he was so nice to me every time i hurt myself for him. he was also my closest thing to a father. he listened to my day when noone else would. he talked me through my projects and helped me turn my semester around. he listened to me talk about trauma. he called me stupid and pathetic every day, just casually in a conversation. he would explain to me exactly why i'm stupid and pathetic, he would list reasons and bring up things i told him until i cried. he would tell me how pretty and smart i was, i just didn't know how to use my smarts. he would threaten to leave me if i didn't do what he said. he told me how much he loved my scars and my bruises, how sexy my weakness was. he encouraged me to see men irl who would hurt me, i had so many bruises at one point i had to cover the ones on my face with makeup so people wouldn't think i was abused. he made me cut degrading things in visible places, and cut them again when they healed. he said he was going to make me hang myself with a noose at the end of spring. he made me buy the noose.
when i post pictures of our conversations here trannies always feel jealous. i used to feel jealous of other trannies being abused. but i wasn't really abused, was i? because i wanted it, because we never met, because it was never a real relationship because he was married. i knew he was going to hurt me from the beginning, but i still let myself become attached to him. i'm not a victim, i don't belong in victim support groups, but then what am i? surely something happened to me, right, it wasn't just nothing? what word even applies here? i don't know anymore. the worst part is knowing that really, truly, unavoidably, it was my fault.

>>40350961 (OP)
also t.ranny
sorry i should have put double paragraph breaks so it wouldn't be this unreadable i'm sorry

Pretty sure every abuse story has an abuse victim who thinks it's their fault because they had an emotional involvement in the situation so in a strictly technical sense they are "responsible" for what happened. Doesn't make it not abuse though.

Tell a tranny she's useless and pathetic, she sucks your dick like it's giving her oxygen. Waow

>>40350996
not true

>>40351009
I've seen this before where you can't treat them good or they will lose respect for you and wander off to find someone they respect. Trannies aren't completely dissimilar to women in that regard.

>>40350961 (OP)
I do think this is considered abuse even if it wasn't physical. I understand not wanting to go to a victim support group because of it but this was definitely abuse

>>40350984
he never directly hurt me though, it was always me hurting myself for him. we never even met so there's no way he could have directly hurt me. he never did anything to stop me leaving him, all he was was words on a screen, he told me all the time that i could block him if i wanted to, but i never did. i even asked him to be meaner to me

>>40350984
straight up facts
also, holy grooming batman. this sick fuck really got deep into ur head huh
despite what ur brain tells you, you were never nothing but a toy to him. as demonstrated by his ghosting
>>40350978
sucks but eh, what can ya do
i've legit read a fic abt a situation like this, and knowing these pathetic excuses for men. i'm sure he too wanted you to do it on video, because again. nothing but a toy, and that's the thing that sickens me most

>>40351021
I've told my gf not to do self abuse and she is not doing it. There are better ways to deal with bad mood. Plain and simple.

>>40350961 (OP)
>>40350984
Yeah there needs to be a specific category for this, because it's a bit more complicated than abuser and victim. They legitimately are egging each other on, she legitimately is encouraging it, and it's impossible to say that he would've gone as far as he did if she wasn't willing and consenting. So it's not exactly the same as someone who just inflicts abuse upon their partner whether they like it or not.

But it's not really just consensual kink either. Your willingness doesn't truly excuse his behavior. He hated you, or more likely hates women in general, and legitimately wanted to hurt you in every way he could. He did not love you, in any way. You were a vent for dark tendencies he probably kept under wraps in his marriage, it "didn't matter" if he did it to you. And you basically used him as an instrument of self-harm. What he was doing to you was legitimately sick, antisocial behavior, but you knew what you were getting into and you wanted it.

"Willing victim," "consensual abuse," maybe something along those lines. It was true abuse, not just bdsm or something. But you were a willing victim. You were self-destructing and you sought him out as a means to that end. So you don't necessarily need the kind of help an abuse victim needs, you need the kind of help that a really self-destructive person needs.

>>40350978
its ok some retard woulda just said reddit spacing but also op that sounds really hot and also extremely unhealthy you should go to therapy asap

>>40351027
i just feel ashamed for it :( like how can i tell anyone about something like this? i spent the whole relationship hiding what was going on from people and i don't want to have to keep hiding it, but i have no idea how i can explain it. "i was groomed as a 21 year old by someone i never met" just sounds pathetic. and i can't call myself a survivor because i'm just, not, the only person i survived was myself.

>>40351050
i used to read fics like those :(

>>40351032
need i remind you not all abuse is physical? in fact, one opens the door to the other
>never hurt me directly
oh yes he did, a cut can heal. but what he's done to your head? doubt that'll ever be completely gone
you did as told because you were vulnerable and desperate. and like any groomer, he seized a perfect target and buttered you up by pretending to care abt you beyond being his tool to get off
>>40351099
the word you're looking for is grooming, and they were groomed into doing it. if we bought that "they wanted it, they were willing, consented" excuse, pedos would have nothing to fear.
you don't need to lockpick a door if u can socially engineer the person holding the keys into letting u in, once that's done. you basically have free reign
also agreed, they need help asap

>>40351099
that's the thing. i told him i felt like we were yin and yang. he was hurting me but, i was hurting myself too. i wanted him to hurt me more, and he wanted to hurt me. that's why i felt special, i felt like only he could understand me, and i defended him so much in my head because i felt if he was evil then i was evil too.

he told me trannies deserve to be hurt because they're weak like women, but don't deserve love like women do.

i know what happened was wrong. i just don't know what it was, and that bothers me worse than knowing.

>>40351136
i tried that one out of sheer curiosity, still unsettles me to just think about it. not in a "that's so fucked up" way but in a deeper, harder to describe way. i guess visceral is the way, mc was a teen trans man
>>40351111
you're not pathetic. tell me, would u say that if it was someone else? the only pathetic one was him, seeking a clearly vulnerable person and using them and tossing them like a cumrag
i hope he's getting nicely gaped in some shithole prison like he deserves

>>40351159
>the word you're looking for is grooming, and they were groomed into doing it. if we bought that "they wanted it, they were willing, consented" excuse, pedos would have nothing to fear.
I would need a little more detail on how their dialogue actually started to decide whether or not I agreed with you. It definitely has elements of grooming, in the way he strung her along with false positive attention and positive reinforcement, his behavior is consistent with grooming, he's a guy who could easily be capable of grooming. If OP got into this connection with him thinking it was gonna be "normal," and he is the one who pushed it in this darker direction, then I would 100% agree with you.

However there are people like OP who would specifically and deliberately seek out exactly this type of situation, there are people who specifically seek out abusers and manipulators, and specifically encourage, request and agree to abusive situations. Again, I don't think that really excuses the abusive behavior. But boiling that down to simple "grooming" and ignoring her own agency in the situation is a misunderstanding of the problem. I think "grooming" implies that the groomer disguises his true intentions by beginning the connection and fostering dependency under a more innocent facade. Again, I don't say this to excuse him, but to help her get a more complete understanding of what happened there and what kind of problem she actually needs help with. Treating her the same as you'd treat a grooming or abuse victim wouldn't address the self-destructive drive that made her want to seek out an abusive dynamic.

>>40351197
>i just don't know what it was, and that bothers me worse than knowing.
Self-destruction via another person. He was an abuser, but you had/have some underlying issue that made you feel a need and desire for abuse. You'd probably need to address both sides of that issue to really get past this. Maybe you still really would benefit from an abuse support group, because I imagine you wouldn't be the only one whose feelings about the situation were similarly complicated

>>40350961 (OP)
the deer doesn't think that that is it's mother it is just lying low in a spot with good hiding until mum returns. I didn't read your sob story sorry.

>>40351231
it was the latter. i told him from the start i wanted him to abuse me. i felt broken because letting someone hurt me was the closest thing to love i was capable of.

>>40351261
i know i have issues yeah. i'm really trying to grow and be a better person so this doesn't happen again. i think i just desperately want to convince myself somehow it wasn't my fault, but i know it was. knowing that just hurts me.
>>40351272
i just like the image

>>40351278
Yeah then it's more along these lines I think >>40351261

I'm sorry you went through what you did, you probably still would benefit from abuse counseling, because he only added additional trauma to whatever you were already going through. That isn't meaningless just because you asked for it, he chose to handle things the way he did, he chose to get involved in that whole situation, and he had his own reasons.

I guess it's important to understand that it wasn't in any way "the closest thing to love" he was willing to give you, there's real hate behind his behavior, and there's self-hate driving you to look for it. It's not "twisted love" or anything like it, it's not love at all. I won't jump to conclusions about what the roots of that might be for you, but often, past trauma and past abuse can play a role, and whatever it is, that root cause is what you really need to face.

>>40351197
again, he fucked with your head. he knew what he was doing, rather well. must've not been his first time
yeah, go figure. i hope his wife took the kids
well, i've already said what it was. grooming isnt abt age, it manifests more that way cus minors are easier to manipulate
but in short, predator finds vulnerable person, butters them up, turns them into a glorified sex toy and uses them until either, they can't anymore or get bored.
you seem to be the latter, and as sad as it is to say. that means you're lucky
>>40351231
fair enough points, but like. cops enticing ppl is entrapment. they have darker tendencies yes
but i'm sure that's part of what he was looking for. not just vulnerable ppl, but ones that could satisfy this particular desire. addict and enabler in a sense
imagine i had a heroin problem, some guy could read my posts and determine i'm suitable because i'm vulnerable and they want to see a drug addict go thru it cus it turns them on. i would most likely be encourage to OD on camera
>>40351303
it was not, after all. no decent person encourages self harm, even if they get told "please ask me to slice my thighs"
and it is a nice image
>>40351278
srry to ask such a stupid question but, would you say that you feel like you're not ever good enough? therefor you turn to abuse for the pleasure of others so you can feel you're making someone happy, and thus being something worthwhile
this above all else broke my heart, wish u well anon. u deserve it, i mean that
>>40351333
well said

>>40351359
>but i'm sure that's part of what he was looking for. not just vulnerable ppl, but ones that could satisfy this particular desire. addict and enabler in a sense
I don't disagree with anything you're saying about him or his motives

>>40350961 (OP)
do you wanna be friends? :(

>>40351109
I can do this for you <3

>>40351409
doubt anyone would tbf
anyone worth listening to anyway

>>40351359
>must've not been his first time
i know there was another 4chan tranny he pushed to suicide before me, he brought it up near the start of our relationship and talked about how regretful he felt and i felt sorry for him. but i've never known what to do with that information. i don't know his real name because he purposefully hid it from me and he didn't know her name either. idk how i'd even like, go to the police or anything. it's just something i have to know happened

>would you say that you feel like you're not ever good enough?
i feel like a lot of things. i have a lot of insecurity and he's not the first person i ever hurt myself for, he's just the first person who ever bothered to learn about me, or talk to me more than a few days. that's part of why i felt so special that he was choosing me to talk to. i know that wasn't true now.
and thank you. i hope everyone on this sad board does well except the ones who purposefully hurt others.

>>40350996
Not really, I don't like abuse and I'm paranoid about it, I can never relax because I always feel like someone is going to verbally abuse me or seek to cause me physical harm, it's why I still do upper body workouts and carry a really pointy scissor.

>>40351428
sorry if that’s weird, you just seem so sweet and I’m also lonely

>>40351428
thank you for the offer :) i'm trying to rely less on online friendships these days, i think that's part of what led me to this point. but i hope you do well too

>>40351502
:( okay. I hope you do well. and im sorry for bothering you

>>40351512
please don't apologize for bothering me! you're not, i've had to learn the hard way that this site is best kept at arms length. he made me apologize for so many things, you don't need to apologize to me for anything

>>40351540
I have bpd, im sorry. its just hard, I only use this site to meet people and I just can’t form any real connections :( I was hoping you could help but i shouldn’t put that on you, thats cruel

>>40351549
I try my hardest irl too, don’t get me wrong, I just live in the middle of nowhere and classes are out. so I just need online friends to keep me afloat :[ but that’s not your problem and im sorry for hijacking your thread

>>40351462
... disappointed but not surprised, ofc he told you, that's like an achievement to these animals
well, you're learning and that's what matters
>>40351549
>>40351571
you're both fine, don't worry

>>40351606
>both
same person I just double posted :(

>>40351571
i really understand where you're coming from. i really would encourage you to try to cultivate irl friendships though, i know it's hard but i think hard-found friendships are the best ones to have. i never ever would have been able to move on from him if i didn't have friends to cry to or stay over with when i was briefly homeless which is a longer story. good friends do exist <3

>>40351651
I have a few close friends irl, it’s just so so so hard to make more. I really am trying im sorry it doesn’t seem like it :( my closest online friendships have also saved me from suicide though, that’s why I was hoping we could be friends. but I feel like im pressuring you and im sorry

>>40350961 (OP)
i dont know what to say to help but this was severe abuse and it wasnt ur fault in any way

>>40351669
you don't have to punish yourself for not trying hard enough, i believe you that you're trying and that's enough. i'm glad you have friends like those :) i don't feel pressured, it's really nothing about you, i'm just in a different stage in life than i used to be and that involves reassessing my priorities, and internet use is part of that for me <3

>>40351711
okay, im sorry. im happy for you and I hope you have a good night

>>40351436
prove it

>>40351719
if we dm’ed, you’d get to see, mutt.

>>40351725
I have dms I can show you of previous girls I’ve had fun with too

>>40351615
still fine, i ain't mad

>>40350961 (OP)
This is so sad my heart breaks for you anon. Im just a stranger on the internet but for whatever it’s worth to you, your story emotionally moved me a lot and i wish i couldve saved you or protected you. You deserve so much more from life. It sounds like youre on a begter tragectory from your other messages itt so please just try hard to internalize that you never deserved any of that even if you begged for it. Because its the evil in others that allows them to treat another human that way. :( im so sorry for you anon i hope u have the happiest life imaginable from here on out and maybe win the lottery or something

>>40350961 (OP)
thank you all for talking to me about this. i really struggle to objectively look at what happened, when i try to remember it all i remember is the mess of emotions, and he taught me to doubt my judgement anyways. the fact that what happened falls in a grey area between abuse and self harm makes it even harder. but every month is another month i haven't talked to him and i do feel i'm healing. i know i need a therapist so i don't backslide, finding one is one of my priorities right now. i'm trying to focus more of my energy on cultivating the parts of life that bring me happiness, leaving behind the parts that don't, and accepting the parts that will always be with me. i'm also trying to break the cycle of shame i feel, and i hope that by doing that, i won't end up back in a place where i feel i need someone like him.

>>40351783
thank you, i am doing my best. winning the lottery would be nice :) but only if someone gave me the ticket because gambling is an addiction i do not need!

If any tranny wants this done to them (safely or unsafely), my discord is stagcels . I’ll add you in the morning.

>>40351743
show. plus youd have to try harder im not willingly gonna make myself as damaged as op

>>40351743
>>40351894
I hope both of you never know peace. You make sick

>>40352383
>>40351932
>im not willingly gonna make myself as damaged as op
i thought this part was kind of funny :')

>>40350961 (OP)
im sorry you went through this nona, you were abused and you didnt and dont deserve that
>>40350996
>>40351725
>>40351894
when death comes for you i hope its not quick, i hope youre awake and that you feel the most terrible pain of your hopefully short life and that when you die you remember how you will fade from memory and the world will be better for it
>>40351932
waow actually kill yourself, idolising abuse in a thread about someone who suffered immensely fucked up treatment.

>>40350961 (OP)
This is why I went back to cis women. Trannies are freaks.