I think I might have genuine trans ocd despite not actually having ocd itself
Thinking about being a woman makes me sick to my stomach, yet I desperately desire that were not the case

>>40365018 (OP)
>i think i have ocd without having ocd
Well thats just not possible

>>40365073
I show all signs of trans ocd and fully relate to people that suffer from it, but I fit none of the diagnostic criteria of ocd in any other way though (got it checked by a proper psychiatrist)

>>40365114
Well tocd is a type of ocd, so if you actually have trans ocd you also have ocd, and if you dont have ocd you cant have tocd. What signs of tocd do you have (besides what you said in op) and what symptoms of ocd do you lack?

>>40365218
First and foremost, I don't have any dysphoria. I am completely comfortable with my agab and even like it mostly.
Despite that though, I get incessant intrusive thoughts telling me that I am actually dysphoric, and actually repressing it all. Every time I become aware of any sexually dimorphic characteristic I have, intrusive thoughts immediately bombard me about how I actually should hate it because "I will never be a woman", even if I don't actually want to be one.
This tends to go from an annoying background noise in my daily life to crippling me with anxiety that I actually am really trans, and that the only way forward is to transition. It even brought me to trying out hrt for about 3 months in hope that it'll make the voices quieter, and it did, until the effects of e started showing. Stopped it after getting a panic attack because of my breast growth, which left me crippled with anxiety for a few days.
It's been multiple months since I've stopped hrt, but the thoughts haven't left me in the slightest, even if I got more accommodated to living with them. Simply seeing a woman sometimes ruins my day by bringing back the thoughts and anxieties about how I am actually trans but just repping.

There is nothing resembling ocd impacting my daily life in any other way though. I don't obsess about anything else, nor do I get any other types of intrusive thoughts. I have none of the common fears like fearing contamination, or the fear of making harming others or myself. I have no need for order and perfection.
I am also not compulsive in any way. I never feel the need to repeatedly check things, nor am I obsessively seeking reassurance. I simply lack each and every sign of ocd, except when it comes to thinking I might be trans

>>40365417
holy shit talk to a therapist

>>40365429
To reassess whether I do actually have ocd, or to look into my issues with gender?

>>40365018 (OP)
Reads to me more like internalized transphobia

>>40365462
I don't think internalized transphobia makes you dread transition and get reverse dysphoria. I am also quite certain internalized transphobia doesn't make you unaware whether you are actually dysphoric

bump

>>40365452
Reassess the OCD and just talk about all that, it could be something else but it sounds incredibly stressful either way

>>40367003
ngl, having ocd sounds worse than being trans in a lot of ways, but I really should look into getting another ocd diagnosis
Feels bad to be stuck in such a lose lose situation

>>40365417
You sound psychotic. Even if you don't have OCD, you should get checked nonetheless. We don't need any more crazy trannies

>>40365417
Literally me tbhon
Tho I haven’t stopped e yet even tho it gives me anxiety bc I’m retarded

>>40369209
How long have you been taking e for?
I was actually really anxious about stopping e even though I had that panic attack. After a while everything returned to the same numb normalcy, besides still thinking about transitioning. Hope I'll be able to overcome that as well

>>40365417
Sounds like OCD
>There is nothing resembling ocd impacting my daily life in any other way though. I don't obsess about anything else, nor do I get any other types of intrusive thoughts. I have none of the common fears like fearing contamination, or the fear of making harming others or myself. I have no need for order and perfection.
OCDs weird it isn't the same for everyone, some people are pure O and only have obsessive thoughts.
I'm a gay man and I have OCD. I thought realizing I was gay was OCD and tried to shut it down. But the thing was the idea of being gay deep down made me happy. I hated gay people but the thought still made me happy deep down even if I was crying out on the surface. I shut it down, but I kept fantasizing about dating men and the fantasies weren't intrusive, I enjoyed them. Eventually I accepted was gay.
If you're actually trans your experience Should be like mine.
The only thing that makes me doubt is that you said you desperately wish you didn't feel sick about being a woman. Do you mean you wish you didn't have those thoughts that you wish the thoughts would just go away by accepting them, or that you really or trans?
For me I wished I really was gay.

i think you have neither gender dysphoria nor trans OCD

i think you should probably just transition though or try out being an HRT femboy for a while

>>40370264
>The only thing that makes me doubt is that you said you desperately wish you didn't feel sick about being a woman. Do you mean you wish you didn't have those thoughts that you wish the thoughts would just go away by accepting them, or that you really or trans?
At this point I can't even tell anymore. This has been a plague on my life for about 10 months now, and it's gotten to the point of complete gestaltzerfall. There are moments where I desperately wish I were trans, because that would mean that I could and should transition, just how there are moments where I feel a sort of catharsis from realizing that I am cis and the thoughts will be something I will be able to overcome. It's almost cyclical, and with each cycle it's becoming harder to even consider myself being trans, which is leaving me with mixed feelings.
When all of this started, I was actually excited at the prospect of transitioning, and every time I found evidence towards me being cis, it filled me with dread. Finding out about the existence of tocd, and how that might apply to me left me in a similar state of panic as when I freaked out about the breast growth I was experiencing on e.
The evidence for me being cis kept mounting though. I have not a single childhood sign, no dysphoria as mentioned previously, being perceived as a woman doesn't make me feel anything, and most importantly the reverse dysphoria from taking e. There is just no way in which I could conceivably see myself as anything other than a cis man.

>>40370280
Would be kinda based ngl, but I don't think I'd be able to enjoy it

>>40370264
>I shut it down, but I kept fantasizing about dating men and the fantasies weren't intrusive, I enjoyed them.
If I were able to fantasize in any way shape or form, all of this might be a bit easier to be honest.
I genuinely might lack the ability to fantasize. It's not like I can't imagine anything at all, but imagining anything for me just boils down to describing the thing I imagine in a clinical and straightforward manner in my mind. I am completely unable to derive any sort of emotions from anything I imagine, but I am barely able to feel emotions from anything that happens to me irl as well, so there's that I guess.
I have never in my life daydreamt about anything, even if I'd really like to. Imagining myself as a woman feels just as insubstantial and detached from anything and everything just as much as imagining myself as myself would feel like. I don't even spend time thinking about things I like in general, which kinda makes me question whether I even like the things I assume I do.

>>40365018 (OP)
I have OCD symptoms is that common in trans people?

>>40370798
Having OCD and being trans should in theory have no significant correlation. Afaik, trans people are significantly more likely to be neurodiverse than cis people on average though, which might also include having OCD

>>40370714
Does your thought process look like this?:', 'Am I trans!?', 'I'm not trans' 'But what if I am???!!!' 'I don't want to be trans...' 'But what if I am???!!!' Repeat.
I had the same thought pattern at the start but that changed within a week. Within 3 weeks I had accepted being gay and the anxiety completely went away, despite me being extremely homophobic at the time.
My actual OCD obsessions don't go away even if I try to accept them.
If you're having thoughts like that for 10 months it's probably OCD.
>>40370789
I'm probably a 3-5 on the imagination scale. But even just thinking the words 'date with cute boy' makes me happy
.>>40370789
>imagining myself as a woman feels just as insubstantial and detached from anything and everything just as much as imagining myself as myself would feel like. I don't even spend time thinking about things I like in general, which kinda makes me question whether I even like the things I assume I do.
When I imagined myself in a relationship with a another man it felt so amazing that I wished profusely it wasn't OCD. I hung out with my brothers one time during this period and they said so much bad stuff about gay people that I went home and tried to force it away. I felt miserable trying to return to being straight, empty, and it wouldn't work it was like I had opened pandora's box it wouldn't go back in. Being gay made me feel amazing being straight made me feel like shit.

>>40371300
>Does your thought process look like this?:', 'Am I trans!?', 'I'm not trans' 'But what if I am???!!!' 'I don't want to be trans...' 'But what if I am???!!!' Repeat.
At this point it kinda does. It can flip flop from "I am trans." to "I am definitely cis, what the hell is wrong with me" and back all in the span of 5 minutes. In the beginning I always wanted the outcome to be that I am trans, but at this point, I just want for this to stop.

>But even just thinking the words 'date with cute boy' makes me happy
I am gynephilic, but thinking about anything I could do with a woman, be it platonic, romantic or sexual doesn't make me feel a thing. This goes for everything I can think of. I feel like such a hollow shell and not even human most of the time

>I felt miserable trying to return to being straight, empty, and it wouldn't work it was like I had opened pandora's box it wouldn't go back in.
This kinda perfectly describes how I felt when I first started to think I might be trans. It genuinely felt like I opened pandora's box, despite that box not being meant for me.

>Being gay made me feel amazing being straight made me feel like shit.
I am happy for you that you managed to accept yourself and become happier because of it. I hope you have or will have a cute boyfriend

Today is the kind of day where I am yet again yearning to be able to enjoy being a woman, but whenever I try to think about it, my mind recoils with revulsion. Ironically, I am met with the same disgust when thinking about what testosterone will do to me in the coming years

There is nothing that stops the thoughts as effectively as looking in the mirror while thinking about what transition actually entails

I started having severe trans OCD in 2015 but it evolved into mild AGP by 2025. Doctors and therapists literally shrug at me because they have never encountered a single human in my predicament.

>>40375773
Most cissoid therapists are completely useless when trying to deal with anything trans related, especially when it isn't the common case of simply having to come to terms with being trans.
Trying to explain your issues must have felt humiliating, or at least it would feel like that for me

>>40375889
Yep, thousands of dollars down the drain. I gave up trying to understand anything I just dissociate and careermax because this trans OCD shit derailed my life and it's not worth the mental energy any more.

>>40369778
2years lol, part of the reason I didn’t stop is after a few months on e all the obsessive thoughts went away and I was convinced I was cis and stopped coming to this site for over a year and was able to focus on other things but then last November I had to decide whether to renew my prescription and ever since then the thoughts have come back

>>40376144
I've not suffered with this for as long as you, but I have the same plan for my future.
A fulfilling life is a privilege and most people have at least something keeping them from it. We both lucked out with something nobody can truly help us with

>>40376385
I think I am getting this wrong. You were on e for 2 years, even while being convinced you were cis?
November was also when it all kicked into high gear for me funnily enough

>>40377074
yea p much I mean I still think I’m cis probably straight even I just have a hard time committing to that bc of all the intrusive thoughts and I didn’t stop last year only bc I was more mentally healthy than I’ve been in years and didn’t want to risk changing anything but ofc I’m back in the same pattern now

>>40377396
How were you reconciling being cis with actively taking hrt? Sooner or later some effects should've been visible to the people around you. Did you also socially transition in order to explain the changes away while still feeling cis, or did you just manmode the whole time?
Considering you had actual mental health improvements while being on e, I'd just wager that you'd most likely benefit from continuing to take it further. Being cis or trans is kinda irrelevant if you simply benefit from a different hormone profile.

>>40378376
No one has noticed and I didn’t expect anyone to notice bc I have a really masculine face so it really hasn’t affected my life in any meaningful way. And the mental benefits were only last year this year I’m just as mentally ill and full of intrusive thoughts as always and Im planning to stop e and fully commit to being a normal male if things don’t change by the end of the year

>>40378582
You situation sounds really miserable. I'm sorry and hope you'll find something that will work out in the end.
What made you start taking e in the first place?

>>40378811
well I’ve had intrusive thoughts about being gay or trans since I was a teen which didn’t ruin my life that much but did prevent me from having relationships bc too anxious but I kinda just tried not to think about it but then a few years ago I was super depressed bc of some things with my career and I think I just latched on to the idea of taking e bc I felt like I lived my life too rationally and wanted to do something sorta visceral but now its 2 years later and I haven’t really learned anything about myself

>>40378903
>I think I just latched on to the idea of taking e bc I felt like I lived my life too rationally and wanted to do something sorta visceral
This 100% applies to me as well. I am living my life like a robot, only ever waging pros and cons and never letting emotions guide me. There was genuine hope in the beginning that taking e will somehow change that. That it will suddenly tear down the dam that's been keeping everything at bay. Obviously it didn't do that. It was foolish of me to even take this approach seriously.
Now I still mourn the fact that taking e wasn't the solution I hoped it would be. It's pointless and inane though

>>40379624
>That it will suddenly tear down the dam that's been keeping everything at bay
I had this exact thought as well, I think related to trannyism a lot bc of the idea of repression, I always feel like I’m never “being myself” and that every word I say is based on what I think other ppl want to hear or would approve of, but at this point I’m thinking maybe that’s just who I am and any concept of some other “real me” is just a delusion due to trauma and too much isolation. I do wish i stopped E after a few months like you did but at that point I was still pretty unsure and after you’re on it for a while its really hard to commit to stopping

>>40381277
I have also never really felt like I was ever myself. I remember complaining to my parents about it when I was 12, saying something along the lines of "Why does it feel like I am always another person when going to school?", and them brushing it and saying it's just puberty. Never showed signs that it's not something insignificant though, so I don't blame them for not being more concerned.
It wasn't "just puberty" though, since I am already way past that, and I still completely lack a sense of self. It feels like who I am as a person is just a bunch of coping mechanisms held together by duct tape. There is no person underneath them all, just a mask.
I have also given up on the concept of a "real me". I genuinely don't believe there is such a thing. There was no trauma that could've caused this, so there is also nothing to blame for this lack of self.

>I do wish i stopped E after a few months like you did but at that point I was still pretty unsure and after you’re on it for a while its really hard to commit to stopping
If you wish you stopped E sooner, then you probably should just stop taking it asap. There is not really a reason to continue if you don't benefit in any way from it.
I do understand it though, how fully committing even to a preferable decision can be extremely anxiety inducing, especially if the mind obsess incessantly over anything

Is it ever not greedy to ask for more out of life?

>>40382674
yea same here I’ve never had a good sense of my own identity which is prob why I was vulnerable to trannyism. I do think its mostly the result of social isolation bc I think most people develop a firm sense of themselves by being surrounded by others constantly plus I think being alone too much leads to excessive rumination which is related to ocd and I think can lead to a lot of confusion about your own behavior. And stopping hrt is hard bc I don’t exactly hate the effects I just don’t fit the identity part so if I go off I would really need to commit to building a normal male life which is hard bc I still don’t really know who I want to be or what kind of people I like etc

>>40384953
>I’ve never had a good sense of my own identity
Paradoxically, my lack of identity is such an immutable part of myself, that it feels like it is the one thing actually giving me an identity. Behind the mask that has melted into my face, making it impossible for me to differentiate between what's performative and what's genuine, the void that deeply yearns to be filled with any kind of identity is all I've ever known.

>I do think its mostly the result of social isolation bc I think most people develop a firm sense of themselves by being surrounded by others constantly plus I think being alone too much leads to excessive rumination
It's extremely hard for me to maintain social contacts simply because I completely lack any drive to socialize in the first place. I am able to appreciate spending time with people, but it's always been a hollow time fill on my part, since I'm just unable to connect with anybody in any meaningful way. So I just end up self isolating without really intending to, spending months alone in my room besides the minimum required amount of socialization to get by outside of my room. It's weird, cause I remember actually being able to feel lonely when I still was a child, but ever since puberty, I've slowly became more and more of a hermit.
I do still have "friends" with which I meet up from time to time as a sort of sanity check. The most painful part is my inability to reciprocate the friendship, since they are genuinely perceiving me as a friend, while I can only smile through my gritted teeth despite wanting to just smile genuinely for once.
Being alone all the time does definitely lead to rumination, but I feel like that would happen even if you didn't have ocd, since after a while, it's all your mind can really do.

>And stopping hrt is hard bc I don’t exactly hate the effects I just don’t fit the identity part
Would you like the effects of testosterone though? Not talking about the short term, but rather aging as a man.

Last time I am bumping this thread.
Just wanted to thank >>40384953 for the nice convo. It's nice to know there is someone else having a similar obsession.
I wish you the best and hope you will find some peace from all of this

>>40385343
yea I’m p much the same I’m fine socializing with ppl I have to see everyday like at work but to actually reach out to people is a huge lift and I basically spend all of my free time alone
>impossible for me to differentiate between what's performative and what's genuine
yea I feel like this is something that I needed to treat early on, when you’ve been doing it for years it feels impossible to know when your acting, I even tried therapy once but could never make myself be open and honest in the sessions. And ofc I don’t exactly like the effects of testosterone I’ve always wished I looked more feminine but I’m pretty confident now that it’s a purely aesthetic desire not identity related.
was nice talking too hope to see your cute art again

>>40389354
I really wonder why actually reaching out to people in order to just hang out is such an arduous task for us. Isolation has become so much the norm for me, that I even forget about the existence of the people I know in my life

>I’ve always wished I looked more feminine but I’m pretty confident now that it’s a purely aesthetic desire not identity related
The desire to look more feminine never existed for me before all of this started out of the blue. This obviously only makes it feel even more like some sort of aesthetic obsession, where my lizard brain just thinks "woman = beautiful; me ≠ woman => me ≠ beautiful". Even then though, continuing to not do anything about it just feels like I am standing in quicksand while in denial of how quick I'm sinking.
If you've always wished you could look more feminine and think you don't like most effects of testosterone, you'll probably not like stopping e, no matter how much it clashes with your inner sense of gender identity. You're surely aware of this though, and it's I'd assume a big factor in why you obsess so much about it.

The artist of the art I've posted is named Yoshitaka Amano. I really love his style. Found out about him after learning that he drew the concept art for the first six Final Fantasy games. He has worked on so many other things though. Highly recommend checking his art out if you like how it looks.

I've said I wouldn't bump this thread any further, but I had to reply, primarily to shout out Amano