I'm drunk and it's a Sunday and I'm missing my old best friend and feel like telling this story to someone so 4chan it is because I really don't have anyone to confide in.

>Late 2000s, high school senior year, I don't remember why exactly but I look up my best friend's Xbox live gamertag, I think I thought it was a reference to something.
>Don't find what I'm looking for but see a result for the profile of someone with the same name on a poker forum of all places.
>Out of curiosity, read it. Maybe I shouldn't have. Either way, I figure out very quickly that it is my friend, and he talks pretty openly there about being gay, which was new information for me. He also mentions a secret relationship he was in. He had also made a couple of posts that I could tell were about me and commenting on my body, and by that point it felt too snoopy/uncomfortable so I stopped
>I deduce the secret relationship is with another guy in our shared friend group, who I didn't like but never clashed with too hard, and my friend liked him, obviously.
>I had just gotten out of a pretty bad breakup, my ex gf told me that I never cared about or did anything for anyone, and she was right. I was kinda a psychopath then.
>I start dropping hints I'm supportive of gay people so he can feel comfortable telling me
>Month later, calls me at about 10pm the night before his birthday clearly pretty distraught and asks me to come over. I bring weed to calm him down because it was the only thing that worked when he got in his own head
>He's been crying and asks me to sit down with him, we start smoking the weed I brought. He asks if I know that he's gay, and I tell him I do know already.
>He explains the whole situation, from start to finish, stuff I did know and stuff I didn't. He ends with telling me about the breakup, how his secret boyfriend didn't want to go public with the relationship when my friend felt ready to come out, and they broke off because of that.

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>>40373348 (OP)
>He asks me if I remember a party about a year back, where we kissed as a bet to get two female friends of ours to kiss. I barely remembered then, and told him as much, but I do remember reading his recount of his realization that he was gay, and realized that it was that night with me.
>He was pretty disappointed and I felt bad for not remembering, even though. I told him if I knew how much it meant I would have remembered, but he still seemed upset.
>He asked me if we could do it again, just so that I had one to remember. It was pretty harmless and I was always physically comfortable with him so I did kiss him.
>It went a lot longer than I expected, but it was nice. He was clearly waiting for me to say something, I didn't really have anything to say. He talks about how much he crushed on me when he first realized he was gay and how attractive I was. It was nice to hear and I could tell he wanted more from me.
>I told him it was nice but that I didn't swing that way, he asked why I am rock hard, I just said that kissing anyone feels nice.
>He asked what I was gonna do about it, I said I was just gonna jack off later, he offered for me to do it in his room and I guess it was a mix of the weed and just generally being really riled up, but I decided to go for it and started jacking off with him watching
>He was super turned on by this and watching me pretty intently, I have to admit the attention made me feel really good and turned me on too.
>He asks to help me out and I said I wasn't really comfortable with that, he asks if we could kiss again because I already said it was nice, I agree.
>I guess when we were kissing the second time something turned inside of me. It was a lot more passionate. I had a pretty sudden urge to give my friend what he wanted, I still don't know why, at the time I rationalized it to myself as a birthday gift of sorts.

>>40373360
>I'll save the details but we did a lot that night. I got blown by a guy for the first time, I gave my first blowjob, both very emotional experiences. I felt strongly about wanting to take care of him and make him feel good, and doing so in a sexual context made me a strange mix of horny, relieved, happy, and a little anxious/excited. We laid down together after, eventually fell asleep.
>When I woke up I didn't regret the experience, found myself wanting it to happen again. It was a good bonding experience and very sentimental/emotional, weird as that sounds.
>We didn't talk about it for the next 2 days, but the next time we got alone it was super enthusiastic kissing into more sexual stuff. That confirmed it wasn't a 1-time thing, it was my way of saying I had feelings for him, without knowing it at the time.
>We spent more time together 1 on 1, alone, until graduation, by which point I had accepted I was in love with him and attracted to him, and we had something serious. He was out to everybody, and a lot of people assumed I was his even if I never confirmed anything.
>That summer was great, best of my life, we did everything together, constant great romantic sex
>But then I went to college, he already had a job, we were in the same state but 2 hours away. We decided to do long-distance.
>I got into partying, started the pledge process even though I didn't follow through, and I surrounded myself with more of the macho straight guy crowd. I was feeling insecure that I never hooked up with girls, because it was what I was supposed to do and I was still attracted to girls.
>sophomore year of uni, we get in a nasty argument. I talked about how I felt was wasting my best years, which obviously hurt him, because our relationship wasn't a waste. He was mad because I still wanted to keep our relationship on the dl. He said I was gonna be just like his last bf, and was just using him for sex because I clearly didn't care about him otherwise.

>>40373366
>I said he was using me and said he basically sexually assaulted me the first night we hooked up, which wasn't true, I was consenting in everything I did but I just wanted to cut him deep.
>We break things off super messily, and quite literally never talked again. That was it. (I texted him about 3 years later and he told me to fuck off and never contact him again.)
>I was inconsolable for a few weeks, eventually I drowned it out in partying and girls. No surprise I'm a major alcoholic now.
>I did question my sexuality for a while, I even tried 2 casual hookups with guys, but I didn't enjoy it beyond the mechanics, I was more into the emotional aspects of sex with my best friend. I can't say I'm 100% straight, because with that one relationship I did enjoy the gay parts about it. If I had to label it, I would say I'm bi but very demisexual with men and not at all that way with women.
>I recently had a very strong relationship with a woman with lots of the same emotional closeness, which made me more comfortable in my heterosexuality. She broke it off with me after hearing this story. She claims it's not that it was gay but that it feels like I'm chasing something I'll never get back, which wasn't true then. I know homophobia had a lot to do with it despite her Instagram "equal rights now!" personality
> Now I'm here, and drunk, and alone, and missing Luis. Before my last relationship, I kept having urges to ask my really close guy friends to hook up to try and capture that same fire. Now the urges are back, but I know I can't do that, because i'd be self-destructing the few good relationships I have.

Not looking for advice, homosexuality isnt the answer for me, just wanted to share in a space that might "get it". If you recognize my story from /b/ a few years ago, hi, here's my life update.

i'm sorry anon. i don't know what to say except that this story broke my heart and you have my deepest sympathies. i wish i had more to offer.