>>40437182 (OP)I was a hyperintellectual soft autistic boy frightened of reproduction, adult life, the tension of adult relationships, and ageing, and having a feminine mode of self-expression & being held and used by stronger masculine men is the way of living that causes me to encounter those things least and feel the least anxiety. I know it's a Peter Pan syndrome thing and people look on it as a bit abject but I've never found another way of being that feels 'me'. The puppy love I have with guys I'm attracted to is less faintly-menacing than the dynamics and implications underlying all the time when doing things with women and I just want a gentle time, especially after a childhood like I had.