ive noticed some patterns recently that concern me, I fear that I may have been or am currently being used as an experiment for manipulating people online. I havent had irl freinds since I was 12 and ivve noticed a pattern where I get integrated in a freind group. one member of the group manipulates me into doing things for them. I grow distant from the group and they kick me out when i make a small mistake. this has happenned 3 times. ive stalked old accounts and they always go dead. stop posting. never changing, like a discarded sock puppet account. im not sure who I am anymore. ive changed so much at the hands of whoever the fuck is doing this to me that im not sure if im even real anymore. am I even trans? did they also put that into my head? does anyone else feel like this?

>>40499480 (OP)
I understand the feeling of being scared like that, though not in this specific situation.

>>40499480 (OP)
i can relate for sure. haven’t had friends since 13 or so. it makes me think i'm only trans because i’m mentally separated from my body. i’m not dysphoric, just chronically dissociated.

it makes me wonder if i even *really* want to be a woman. i’m not sure if i want/can fit in that slot socially, in part because i don’t understand what that role entails.

my online presence has remained largely the same for the last half decade. listening to the same sad, chronically-online depression music. bumping the same tracks i cut to at 13.

i still very much mentally feel like a child, and im not sure how i got here. it feels like i woke up as an adult and was suddenly half alive. how did i never change from the start of adolescence to now?

how do i have no friends? i feel doomed to repeat these cycles.
i wonder what i did in my past life.

Online communities come and go. Bunch of strangers come together, then disperse without looking back. It happens all the time, don't overthink it

>>40499480 (OP)
this is coming from a diagnosed schizo who v much knows it is not that easy, but do everything in your power to not overthink things like this that u can not affect or control. i fail at this constantly and it makes me miserable and paranoid. idk if youre really trans, idk if im really trans for pretty much the same reason, but whether its "real" or not, it is, and ig u just have to go with that. i cant rlly successfully take my own advice on this so i get it but itll be easier if u can manage that

>>40499480 (OP)
MEDS QUICKLY NOWWW! BEFORE ITS TOO LATE

>>40500581
do not listen to this person unless youre going to hurt someone. the worst misery that comes from schizo shit is still better than getting chemically lobotomized and subjected to the medical system

Normies can smell weakness and will use you for every bit of practical worth you have for a little bit, and then discard you if they don't want to be seen with the weirdo anymore.
Most people are also really bad at maintaining their online presence because they just don't care as much as you because they aren't terminally online and have real life friends, or they only have a social media account at this point for the chat functionality. Like I haven't updated my Facebook in a public way in over 5 years, but I still use messenger and marketplace. If you were looking at my profile to try to gauge whether I still exist, you would think I don't.

I'm guessing you are extremely cringe and people give you a chance at first, then dump you when the full extent of your cringe becomes apparent.

>>40500832
uh huh schizo be real. they need professional help, it helps get rid of the paranoia and you will notice your life isn't as interesting as it seems.

>>40503078
"real" is subjective. what we percieve as reality is really just our sensory organs sending whatever data they can to our brains to be translated

>>40503106
yeah but what about you? you think you see reality as what it really is but you're just spouting nonsense.

>>40503078
sure it gets rid of the paranoia, and every other feeling. its really easy to not be paranoid when your brain barely functions on anything but a basic level anymore, such a good solution! doctors cant and dont want to actually help you, they just want a way to lobotomize all the crazies now that lobotomies arent cool anymore, and thats what youll get if you go looking for "help". people like you pushing this shit on vulnerable people are fucking evil and god will not forgive you. do not tell any of this to a doctor, op.

>>40503818
and we're supposed to trust u? expert? who researched for years and years and got a degree? ya alright. u sound lost beyond help. don't bring op with u

>>40503818
not every drug is a chemical lobotomy like olanzapine or thorazine. those OG meds will turn you into a fat drooling retard

quetiapine and aripiprazole still have some zombie-like effects but people generally can function and enjoy life on them. aripiprazole especially is known for being a lot less drowsy than other antipsychotics.

i too believe that they should be used in the worst cases of course, like with OP. "dude there's government a conspiracy against me, why did they put trans thoughts in my head" is some meds worthy schizophrenia.

>>40504208
ur right i dont have a degree in medicine!! i didnt study myself enough to understand that i should medicate myself to the point of total numbness because i dont deserve to be a person, how retarded of me. all the "experts"who went out of their way to ruin what little is left of my life did though, op should listen to them obviously. the concept of "expertise" in stuff like this is so clearly not for people who actually deal with it, you become an expert by understanding how to hurt those people. doctors are people who want to abuse the vulnerable but are too fat or out of shape to become cops, and if you genuinely believe they have the slightest bit of interest in actually helping schizos or really any mentally ill person instead of medicating them into compliance until they kill themselves then youre retarded and way more"lost" than i am

>>40499480 (OP)
why do you do what people ask or want

what do you want

>>40504249
>still have some zombie-like effects
but its fine though!! not a horrific thing to put someone through! u deserve it for being crazy obviously. fuck you.

You are very much schizo, believing your own thoughts to be placed in you is a delusion very common for schizos. Sorry.

>>40499480 (OP)
yes

>>40504347
If it makes you feel any better, a lot of schizos who make it through young adulthood alive see it clear up later in life so it doesn't have to be permanent.

>>40499480 (OP)
woah, ive had eerily similar experiences with this stuff. does it take roughly a year for you to get kicked out? for me its almost like, cyclical to the point that ive started being able to predict how people will feel about me at a given point in time with actually prophetic accuracy. and it doesn't matter whether it's "irl" friend groups or online either, as long as there's some connection to the web (i.e. a friend group discord server) it always follows this pattern. just wondering if any of this rings a bell