It feels impossible to figure out whether I have gender dysphoria or not. I'm certain I hate myself, but there is no clarity as to why.
Is it because I look like a man? It's possible, but how do I know this is dysphoria and not just intense self loathing?
Would I hate myself less if I were to transition? It's possible, but what if all of this is a red herring? A way to escape from myself?
Somedays the thought of fully transitioning seems really appealing, but whenever I step away too far from the apathic numbness I've encased myself in, it all just crumbles to dust.
Other days it all just feels so absurd, it makes me feel certain about being cis for a while.
Even transitioning has not made anything clearer. It only felt like I was trading skinwalking as a man to skinwalking as a tranny.
Whenever I read about the dysphoria of other trans people, I can't help but feel alienated, not because I can't empathize with them, but because it all seems so clear to them, while it's not for me.
It feels like I'm stuck with an unsolvable dilemma that has horrifying implications no matter the outcome

>>40571062 (OP)
I never thought to ask what dysphoria was like for others.
To me dysphoria was like feeling testosterone and wanting to rip my skin off. Not becouse of how i looked but because it feels like piss and vinegar and the way i felt made me have thoughts and be ways i hated. it felt deeply disgusting and also shameful. I kinda am of the opinion that u just *know* but if ur like most of us ur good at feigning just enough doubt to not have to face that somehow and have been doing it for so long it feels natural

>>40571108
I've been on hrt long enough to get rid of any testosterone in my body before I stopped taking it, and it made me feel no difference, so I'm definitely not one who could ever "just know".

>I never thought to ask what dysphoria was like for others.
Only reason why I'm asking myself this, is because I'm completely unable to discern my own emotions and what causes them. I need an external experience I can compare it to in order to rationalize my own emotions.
Do I feel dysphoric in the sense that I feel like shit about myself? Yes, but there is nothing that tells me the reason is gender specifically. There's a part of me though that wishes that were the answer though

>>40571183
Lmao same girl. I have the lowest intra person intelegence. My dumbass has to talk to chatgbt about everything and discern my state from its reaction. Its embarrassing but at least it works well.

>>40571259
If it works it works, but I'd assume that journaling is more helpful than chatgpt.
My issue rather is the fact that I barely feel anything at all, and when I do it's either through rationalizing my emotions, or rarely them being so intense they make me want to vomit

bump

>>40571062 (OP)
I'm in a similar position. It's as if I'm not even really human

last bump. pointless thread either way