It's been on my mind 24/7, the idea of transitioning and being mtf, it wasn't always like this. I used to think about it sometimes but rarely, i think there were signs as a kid but idk if it's just normal behaviour i am misinterpreting when looking at it through the lens i am.
This goes back to when i was young, <10, when id get called handsome id be so upset and beg to be called pretty instead, because of bad genetics i've always been hairy, i used to hate my arm hair and even as a young child want to shave it and get rid of it but never could. I don't feel as intensely about my masculine traits now, but instead of only thinking about it when prompted it's always there in my head like a little mouse nibbling at my brain. When i see i've grown taller i feel shitty when i see the hair on my fingers i feel bad, not as overwhelmingly but the feeling is definitely negative.
I try to be ambiguous with my gender online and do get happy when someone assumes i'm a woman and a little sad when they think i'm a man, but never in real life, i don't feel shitty about being 'misgendered' irl but i know it'd make me a little happier if people saw me as a female. I'm still relatively young, still living with my parents and can't move out for at least 3 years, they'd disown me and throw me out if i ever said any of this to them. I can't do anything hormonal because i couldn't sneak anything into my room.
I don't know what i am, a weird man fucked up from a lack of a father figure? Actually trans? Or is it all in my head.
I don't know what to do im lost, i don't really know what im asking or saying but any i'd appreciate any reply and advice - im british btw sorry :( and sorry for the text wall too i just felt like i needed to get this out somehow

I think im bi as well, another long story but I'll try keep it short.
I feel very shameful admitting it but i like dick, i know this is weird but sometimes i suck popsicles to feel something.

I've never had a crush on anybody at all male or female, but recently i think i might be developing one on my male best friend, im not his best friend but he's mine. He's not bi and way out of my league too. i feel guilty even thinking about this stuff because i know he'd be disgusted but idk. I don't watch gay porn or anything, I don't even like most men, only feminine leaning men (not just femboys) but just not masculine men. I feel like i'm not actually bi and maybe i'm just delusional or making it up or something i feel lost, i don't even know myself and what i am and even if i am what i think i am i can't be what i am because im hideous and confessing my feelings would never work, and i don't think id ever pass, especially knowing i still have some years until i could start anything.