My sister has invited me too a lgbt comedy show and I said yes because there's no way to tell her I don't actually like engaging with the community in that way. It's a huge reminder of what I'm not. Seeing trans comedians poke fun at the things that make me want to kill myself. but it's ok cuz they feel it too?. I don't laugh off my pain I don't even like it it reminds me so much of how I dealt with dysphoria in highschool. I want to spend time with my sister and she is bi so its not like she isn't part of the community and she probably wants to be More in it and wants me to be because I spend all my days in my room smoking weed playing videogames doing stupid computer stuff and crying. Oh also I'm 5'3 so despite looking completely like a man like hrt gave my hair back so I could look like one of Tom Holland Brothers. My frame although short isn't small and I'm just not allowed to feel bad about it according to trans ppl I've met. I have to be like ecstatic that I have this one feature that falls into woman ranges that is genuinely meaningless unless you are also somewhat proportionally like a woman and your browbone isn't the stupid Neanderthal downward swoop. Idk it sucks for my sister she just wants to be a good sister and I'm a brainwormed 4chan tranny. I think after the passing dr i met getting hrt assumed I was ftm and when I told her no she just looked at me like I was the worst optics not cuz I had like a pinkypie backpack I'm just ugly or maybe sound like a man and just get hugboxed to shit by my friends and family. It looked like she battled within herself to keep going. Idk I just don't want to be around anymore going into public sucks and this is probably going to suck. Maybe I should have said no. It's gonna be like an hour of me sitting there twiddling the top of my drink and then another hour of my involuntarily crying on. the car on the way home. I am excited to spend time with my sister tho I bet the car ride there will be fun :>