im a 28 year old AGAMP repper

im not even a die hard blanchardist or whatever but it's just the frame that i feel better fits my experiences. his retarded "erotic target location error" bullshit fits how it feels to me. it does feel like i was just supposed to be some straight dude but something got fucked up and i got some weird "pseudo dysphoria" + this weird attraction to "GAMP"s instead of a normal attraction to women or a less normal but idk still like, "weird but makes sense" attraction to men

and i just dont know how to go on from here

kms feels like such a retarded solution

coming out feels even weirder though. like what on earth would i say? "yeah im a dysphoric agamp repper" to my parents/friends/clueless mental health professional/european healthcare system with long ass waitlists for literally anything?

i do have "dysphoria" i think, it's just, general dysphoria rather than super specific bottom dysphoria, in fact i probably barely even have that, but i do suffer a lot even if i "know" / "can take a guess" at the cause

but i just don't see a way forward i can sell myself on, even before i come out to anyone.

i wasn't a naturally feminine person either, just like, sensitive nerdy guy archetype at most but never actually feminine. i think of my interactions in general and they always have quite a lot of masculine energy. every time i open my mouth, i write something, i move, i sit still, i react to something, etc i just think "wow i'd be so fucking clocky"

>>40596972 (OP)
>what arbitrary box should i put myself in
who the fuck cares

>>40596972 (OP)
why not go on hrt and boymode/manmode?

Yeah it would be weird switching from a man voice to a tranny voice with family

At the end of the day you just have to measure what changes would increase your quality of life. I could have written this post word for word (though I'm a year older) and the constant questioning got me nowhere. Nobody can provide closure or some magical insightful answer not even therapists. It fucking sucks but all you can do is ask yourself if HRT or clothing would make your life better and to what degree. Treat the symptoms first and ask questions never.

a word of advice endlessly thinking it over in your head does nothing. just consider how retarded everything you just said sounds to a normal person. you've just come up with a way to endlessly analyse yourself without actually committing to transitioning or not so you can cope until you john 50.

>>40598926
>Nobody can provide closure or some magical insightful answer not even therapists

yep basically, its just something that has wormed its way in your head and has now become habitual with no pressure release valve, if you dont troon you will always wonder what if for the rest of your life, if you do you will always wonder if it would have been different if you tried sooner, or worry that you gave in too easily and could have been normal if you tried harder. either way you lose and its all gambling

>>40596972 (OP)
i went down a similar rabbit hole when i discovered trans stuff and decided that people can use labels based on one of two ways
>(1) history
this means your label is based on whom you've actually had fulfilling sex with. it's factual and concrete but backward looking
>(2) preference
with this your label is an idealized identity. it's abstract and forward looking. it can never actually be resolved perfectly; you could meet someone tomorrow who would change it.

in the end you have to ask why you want to use labels at all. to communicate with yourself and others. identity and relationships. this rabbit hole goes deep so you'll need to ground yourself with practical applications. in your case, you have to decide between the following two options:
>(1) cishet life
man up. make money, find a woman, marry her, have kids, live happily ever after
>(2) queer life
you can come out as gay. if that doesn't feel right, queer. you don't need to be specific. normies will understand it means you are telling them you are not going to live the cishet life.