i was never really that happy, i thought id at least make it to 19 before i did it.

im stuck in my head most of the day inside my room, partly due to things i cant control but i never really tried as hard as i should have to get out of the holes i was thrown into.

i wanted to at least maybe blow up off of the songs i spent the past 3 years of my life making but i never really got good enough to get people to notice

i feel bad about committing. well not really. i feel bad for the few people id affect, perhaps my father or grandma but at the end of the day i really cant do anything anymore.

im finally submerged so far into self hatred im actually able to get over my cowardice need to preserve my life.

i fucking hate being alive. i hate being ugly i hate being uncomfortable in my own skin, waking up is getting to be useless.

i wish i never made it out of the womb, i remember when my mom told me she considered aborting me, or how i ruined her life by giving her stretch marks.

ive cut off all of my friends recently, blocked them out of nowhere and erased every possible contact they could have with me, id rather they forgot about me or think less of me than have another dead friend

sorry for trauma dumping. i simply would like to know some people actually noticed i was struggling before i went out

its almost a comforting feeling knowing itll all be over soon. even though ive been crying for hours now

i dont think i deserved a better life though, im a shitty person and i always have been and i hate myself for the actions ive made

im nearing the character limit & im running out of thoughts i can put into words

im playing some of my favorite games for a little while and tonight go out to the city

ill be jumping off the bridge i used to walk across with my mom wandering the streets of my hometown at 3 in the morning when i was little

its a long way down :(

theres a slight chance i might back out though, i hope i dont.

goodbye <3 i love you

>>40609660 (OP)
I hope it doesn't work so you can reconsider

>>40609660 (OP)
hey anon i hope this is bait and if you are who i think you are please don’t do this S, you mean so much to the people around you. Can i listen to ur music ?

Retarded tranny freak, don't do it. Understand that you are LITERALLY retarded and commiting a fatal mistake because of that.
Step away from the computer and talk to someone who cares about you.

k

>>40609660 (OP)
Stream it at least?

>>40609660 (OP)
I don't know how old you are but 19 is really young, life is already short as it is, trust me it all passes by so fast, it's worth seeing how it plays out, please think how devastated your dad is gonna be

>>40609762

hi im op idk another way to indicate it i dont often use 4chan, i just opened it to vent and i knew it was an anonymous image board

this isnt bait im js genuinely sick of living lmao life is boring and i havent had a day where i havent cried or felt like shit in years

i dont wanna self promo so i guess if u wanna listen to my music add me on discord or whatever @browsingtor and ill send u it

>>40609819
i considered it, and honestly i feel bad, hed probably be depressed but i cant always be selfless in everything.

people call me selfish or a coward for doing it but i just wanna rest dude its actually unbearable knowing im waking up everytime i go to sleep

when i was little i used to beg "god" to just let me pass away in my sleep almost every night. life hasnt really been kind to me and i need it to stop

>>40609845
Have you even tried talking to someone you retard? Talk to your father right now and let him know how you feel.

seriously don't it's not worth it. like 99% of people who try this shit and don't die end up regretting it so yea. plus you aren't special enough to be that 1%

>>40609891
"have you even tried talking to someone" i literally have 0 irl friends and most of my family doesnt like me lol. i dont even have a mother

theres no point in "talking about how i feel" itll never fix shit

i tried therapy, antidepressants, all of it.

nothing changed, at the end of the day i still felt like shit, there hasnt been a 24 hour period within the past few years that i havent considered just killing myself

>>40609901
What even is your situation? Like what's really up?

>>40609660 (OP)
oh lovely im so sorry :(
i hope you enjoy the games you're playing, what're you playing?
i think you should go speak with your father or grandmother, not about this but just to not have everything loose. it'll be really devastating for them i would say. i think its kinda of the least you can do.
i doubt you're a shitty person, and maybe if you are you deserve a better life so you can have the opportunity for it to not be that way. it's not your fault you haven't been able to change your situation, it's really hard to do and you shouldn't blame yourself.
also, i doubt your friends are willing to forget about you that easily. i think it's shitty you blocked them to be honest, i know i would be hurt if that happened to me and i would be devastated if i ever heard that my friend killed themself without even bothering to say anything to me.

it's your life i guess, but i think you should wait a bit longer i guess.

is there anything you've wanted to do you've never done for whatever reasons? i think you should do something like that.

i hope you'll be alright in whatever way that happens

>>40609899
its like a 150m bridge im very sure i wont survive lol

>>40609660 (OP)
I remember feeling like this at that age. Things will improve with time, if you give it the chance. I don't really know what else I could say. I hope you don't go through with it.

>>40609924
thank you for ur kind words they mean sm to me<33

ive just been playing team fortress 2 or roblox as of late, i dont really have the time to do anything on my bucket list, nor do i really have anything on it thats achievable within even a week or so.

i just wanna rest man :(

>>40609660 (OP)
hey, i hope this isnt who i think it is. please don't do it, it gets better, i dont want a friend to go like this.

Universally 19 is too young. U havent even tasted freedom of adulthood or living ur life on ur own terms. I think we all get it. Having abusive shit ass parents can really fuck u up. Being trans can really fuck u up. Not having the skills to deal with the later becouse of the former is hell. Growth is hard. but being a teen is the worst part of ur life. (Unless its being elderly idk yet)

>>40609978
you probably dont know me, i dont have many friends and i never really have.

im sorry i feel bad about even posting this but i just wanted to be seen for a bit before i eventually did it yk

>>40609971
You can buy shroom spores off the internet legally and grow them incredibly fast and easy. it's not hard. When i was a suicidal teen i made Ayahuasca instead of killing myself. It worked well. It was like having a motherly guardian angel huge my soul in 4d. If ur gonna die anyways u might as well experience some mind blowing stuff first

I've pretty much only used this site like twice so I do t know how to reply to a specific message but, like. idc if the bridge is a 1000m seriously if there's any chance you survive you will regret your choice. I regretted my choice. So many others have. you really aren't as alone as you think you are

>>40609660 (OP)
Girl post your discord. Ill be your friend :)

I will also be your friend mf. post that shit now

>>40609660 (OP)
All things in life are temporary. There's a good chance you won't always feel this shitty

>>40610053
this is my user, i cant guarentee ill always reply, especially considering the plans for tonight but if i end up not doing it or something changes we can be friends for aslong as u want

>>40610073
ill third being your friend, i also make music to and released an album so we can bond over that :)

19 nigga? Really? At 19? Wait till you're 35 at least

>>40609660 (OP)
please dont anon

>>40610003
>>40610213
This
18, 21 and 24-26 are completely different worlds OP. You're tapping out just when things get good. Although if you're not 19 yet, I can understand why you feel like they aren't getting food yet. Just give it some time.

>>40609660 (OP)
OP this chapter of your life is about keeping yourself alive until you turn 25ish, when your brain is fully developed. What is killing you now likely won't bother you, and your coping skills will be much better. The period of growth in your mid 20's hardens you to societal pressure and intrusive thoughts. You just need to survive

Unrelated, but when I am stressed I take a deep breath and try to picture an old, ugly couple sitting at a diner drinking disgusting coffee. Idk why it helps but it does

>>40610104
i sent u a friend request

I think the bridge is the St John's Bridge in Portland. If someone lives near there could they drive there or something

>>40609660 (OP)
Bye, see you tomorrow :)
Live stream it + do a flip. You won't do it. You're only 18 you'll figure it out

>>40609660 (OP)
Post the music you made I'm curious

>>40609660 (OP)
can you post a picture of your suicide gear in this thread?

>>40609660 (OP)
walk there and post a picture of the bridge. Post it on this thread. Then jump. We'll see it in the news. good luck

suicide is cringe don't do it

>>40612572

It is cringe.

threads like these just kinda die out and it's always sad to think it was someone's last words. I hope you're ok nonnie.

>>40609660 (OP)
lol me too. twins..!

Hope you're out there buddy

>>40612721
vieo you are not helping

Don't just shoot yourself in the mouth, dear... instead do something about it, don't let suicide become an option. if your ugly, then do something about it, if your feeling like waking up is useless, THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Suicide are for COWARDS who took their own lives because they GAVE UP because they couldn't find a way out of their situation! And I know your not a COWARD. Joke or Not. Don't commit SUICIDE because your not a COWARD.

>>40609660 (OP)
don't do it. there are ppl out there that (will) love you

>>40610639
they say this about literally any age
>you're 15? wait until college!
>you're 18? wait until 21!
>you're 21? wait until 25!
>you're 25? it's totally going to get better at 30!
nothing ever actually changes or improves

>>40616255
true, I'm 40 it still sucks

>>40616255
They are grooming young people who don't know any better into a life of misery. Only the most precocious suicidal youngsters break through the liveoid conditioning early.

>>40609660 (OP)
If you’re still alive, make sure to live stream it when you finally build up enough worth to commit to something in your life

>>40616325
Yeah man, looking back, my time in Iraq and Afghanistan was probably my best years as shitty as that may sound. Only thing that matches the alive feeling is big hit of crack maybe, it’s just going threw the motions.

>>40616365
suicidal since 12 here
liveoid groomers got me.

just keep living for like 5 more years, be optimistic that the usa will collapse and civil strife grabs the wolrd by the throat

maybe even get lucky and find a partner on 4chan who is just as hopeful for this stuff to happen