Thread 40648685

Maid Edition
expired a bit too soon: >>40526903 >>40612717 >>40627802

Goal of the thread: Make a shopping list of things that you need, consider if there is any self care things you might be missing!
Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!

>What is this thread for?
Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.
Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.
>Why is this thread /lgbt/?
Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.
>Notes to consider:
Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:
WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION
>Note on advice
Generic advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.

We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!
Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!

## RESOURCE LINKS:

Resource link paste: https://rentry.co/sig-resources-2025-07
General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04
Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

The next few posts are reposts (no image)

>>40583481
>I'm not sure how much he genuinely believes it
Yeah I think there is a difference between being rationally aware and "feeling it", if you will.
>He says he's got hobbies and friends that he's satisfied with
The brutal truth is that if he didn't believe it he would be panicking, because he would realize how thin the ice he is on actually is.
>the only goal for him outside living with me and seeing me is him securing his living situation.
To be fair a secure living situation does lay the groundwork for almost anything else, but I think I get what you mean.
>it feels like that's the only reason he does anything sometimes.
>God, I hope I don't come off as an asshole saying this.
Not in the slightest, really.
>Maybe somebody else can put words to it?
Frankly it sounds like he lacks a drive to do things on his own, as you said. This would not be an issue if he were as content as he claims, but in reality what is most likely going to happen is that he is going to wind up feeling miserable. To explain what I envision more cleanly, maybe watch this video: [YouTube] 7 Ways to Maximize Misery (embed)
Can you imagine him falling into a depressive spiral like this?
>>40587055
Awesome, there is something satisfying in those kinds of maintenance I find.
>>40591698
>Tbh I've explored all my options atp and I'm just rolling with it. I dont need to make an exact choice for a while on how I'll handle it
That's a reasonable way of looking at it I think, nothing to be done than wait and see then I suppose. Thanks for explaining it to me again!
>>40591905
>What should I do for my birthday? Go to a bar alone? Stay home and study? Hookup with some rando on Grindr? Get with my abusive ex for a night?
Might be a little late depending on when your bday is, but frankly if reconnecting with old friends is not an option I would suggest focusing on yourself and what you enjoy, or make you feel accomplished. Treat yourself. And if you feel isolated and alone, we can try work on it.

>>40596470
Hello there shinjinon.
>The past few threads have been archived when I found them
I know your pain, kek
>Doing something while my lucky streak of not being sent to the hospital continues is probably better than stunting myself further.
Agreed, it sounds like a good time overall to boot.
>But I can’t feel it.
>I feel detached.
Given everything? I think it's the exhaustion.
>>40599275
>I often feel stuck
>I feel like I can never focus on the things I want to do
>but always some shit I have to do.
Let's try and make a list together:
>weight loss
>voice training
>reduce screen time (scrolling)
>career goals (which?)
You seem like the type to have an issue where everything feels interconnected and makes you self conscious. Like, voice training feels like something you can only do "after you lost weight", and losing weight feels like something you can only do "when you are less stressed", etc? It leads to countless interconnected vicious cycles.
Best we can do is help you tackle uncomfortable things sustainably, as in expose you to discomfort (which in this case is a sign of progress, fighting your internal barriers) to an extent that doesn't make you fold or have a breakdown.
>>40599707
>yes I'm quite isolated and I wouldn't know how to approach people if the opportunity arised
Okay so rural areas generally suck a bit when it's about meeting people. Normally I walk people through a small set of increasingly online approaches:
>pick up old school/work contacts of people you liked
>look up hobby/lgbt places in your area/neighoring towns (depending on mobility).
>look up online places (at that point sigcord comes to mind)
from there it is building relationships. That part is something that can be condensed into, primarily, persistence and fostering mutual enjoyment. We can talk about it more if you feel like it.
>>40604866
>Don't die yet, I have so many things to complain about and try to fix.
Not too late, am listening!

>>40648757
>>40583481
Pardon the copy paste error from the last post, it is meant to be https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o

>>40605121
>>40605178
>I stop by as often as I can.
Glad to hear, is there anything you'd like to talk about?
>Why does all of that make me so anxious to think about?
>Feels like too much for my brain to handle.
Take a break, practice some self care, and then try to get back to it.

>>40607136
>>40607280
Just to make sure, since I am not sure I got it: do you receive treatment for OCD stuff in general? Like the hand washing and such.
> The thing with college is that although they made friends the group I talked to eventually separated
Do you have the contact of anyone in particular you stay in touch with? In general it is important to single out people since group chats are fickle.
>mold
Oh, you have mold? I faintly remember us talking about that, you def want to get it treated properly for it not to come back.
>potentially consuming lead.
Chances are this is your OCD talking, but I think you are aware.
>I have been putting off help for a while thinking that I can beat it by myself
It is hard to accept help, but it will be for the best. I hope /sig/ has been an encouraging environment for you regarding that.

>>40607308
>When I ask why they say I'm catfishing
I suppose people struggle to believe you actually look the way you present yourself, I don't think the issue is you at all, but I think selfie posting on 4chan is not a mode of courtship that works particularly well.

>>40613756
>hate living in a state of perpetual identity crisis
Wanna expand upon it?
>>40615087
Take all the time you need, Anon!
>>40613233
>sorry for being so unattractive recently
you mean inactive?
>>40615937
The thread was kinda funny, especially how the second and last post saying that that premise is basically just /fit/.
>>40616848
Welcome home, Shinjinon.
I wish you nothing but the best in spite of your health deteriorating.. I of course worry about you overexerting yourself but I get what it means to you.. god.

>>40630234
Same, have some new pic I saved.
>>40617607
Heya, valley!
>I'm so happy most of the time but my insecurities are eating away at me bit by bit
Okay, let's take a closer look.
>I feel like I'm the only one opening up,
>I got nothing in return
I see, so in other words you would like her to open up. That should be comparably straightforward, but very scary. Talk about your past, and explicitly express a desire to learn about her wit that as a springboard. Explain that you would like to learn about er inner world if she is being dense/too monosyllabic in her responses. Express it as an emotional need and see how she reacts.
Sorry to hear about the job situation, work and studying is something that never ever meshes well in my experience.
>I'm sure better days are coming and I'll keep trying my best but I'm fucking exhausted rn
I get it, and I hope you know you have my genuine sympathy.
>>40628037
Take your time, and thank you for your patience and perseverance in turn!
>>40628152
Always happy to read your posts, Navy.
>Shame I'm guarded about myself irl because dropping the tranner bomb at that moment would have been funny.
It would have been, in due time perhaps.
>guess I'm more insane/mentally screwed up than I thought
How so? I don't know the book.
>>40628606
>Also I could start to have health issues by my early 40s and be dead in like 7 years
The shitty part about that is that it is always speculative. There is also a chance of you having 40 more fulfilled years ahead of you. Bear in mind that, for many, MANY people (at least in the west), agency is simply not achievable before they are 16-21 years old, and people that aim for tertiary education might not even reach any meaningful employment before their early 30s. I am not sure if it helps to hear, per se, but I feel it is important to recall that the carelessness of youth came at an immensely steep price (agency).

Alright, those are the reposts.
I know I haven't been the most active recently but I still post 2-3 times a week, I guess it's the board having been a bit quicker than usual. I gotta respond to posts from the archived threads still but I will do so tomorrow most likely.
>>40648799
The pic mentioned in that post was this by the way.
Those are the reposts done, last thread keeled over before I could reply to the posts

Man, these threads are going really fast.
I geuss it's gonna be really hard to catch up on all my previous posts in time.

I'll give a small update sometime tomorrow then.
Is there any shot at being able to find all these past few threads using Desuarchive?

>>40648685 (OP)
Do any of you have any advice for overcoming Procrastination and Depressive moods?
I've been in a bad place when it comes to getting things down and my overall mood is a little off.

Maybe it's a little circumstantial but I can't seem to take care of myself properly this week.
Life is turbulent but still tedious.

(I'm the bunanon by the way)

>>40648843
Boards have been quicker or we're slower lol.
I'm stuck in that dull rhythm now of waiting for HRT to work since I can't really pursue other stuff until i've got the military handled.
There is a part of me that actually wants to delay it all until I can be fully transitioned because I don't especially wanna be some weird estrogenised man for months in training.
Eugh, I might seriously look into a surgical option for unfucking my hair but honestly it needs to grow out more and I cant do anything about that for now. I'm also worried i'll be upset having to cut it short for training.
Shit maybe I should just tell them im trans and roll with the punches but like i've come so far with it I don't want to just put it all on hold (sorry, flow of consciousness got to me)
>>40649234
Really you just kind of have to do stuff even if it's boring, unwanted etc. The best I've managed is forcing myself to go cycle to get my brain full of chemicals that make me actually want to do things I need to do.

nothing to add other than I procrastinated(among other things and frankly more important things) on buying new clothes. And ofc I have wanted a long classy maid dress for a long time too
yeah nothing burger post just posting about my fetish heh

I feel that im chronically depressed and negative and needy but I dont let myself seek attention anymore so now im left with a huge contact list of strangers I only talked to for utilitarian reasons as a retardd repper and I feel terrible about it

bump, please keep it alive for like 24h

>>40651114
will do! this thread might be slow but its nice still,
anyways, does anyone ever feel like they're mentally ill in a systemic way, but there's no disorder that describes them adequately?
theres so much fucky in my brain but it feels very alienating

>>40650284
Real asf.
I'm baffled by how I used to talk to other people so much. Just seeing my 'friend' lists now gives me an indescribable sense of guilt and anxiety.

>>40651636
NTA
The worst part is seeing people in my contacts who I know I can never talk to again for one reason or an other, mostly sad reason
Depression destroyed my ability to talk to people.

>>40651636
I feel especially guilty because the younger, less self aware me, had more of a sense of obligation
he wanted socialisation, but also felt compelled to not leave people in the dark, to not be lazy, to try to be genuine despite not knowing themselves
now Im capable of not talking to someone for months on end and I try not to outright not talk to anyone for too long, but it feels insincere and most ppl dont bother to reply either way

I hate being agp and having a feminization fetish as a trann
Gn

Coughing a little less now. Finally made some more progress on my work project, but fully aware that I’m going to want to hurt myself more if I don’t e-mail at least some of it by tomorrow. Think Im going to have to get a covid test. Man…

>>40649234
Hmm. Aside from the generic “lol just get meds” I feel like one of the best methods is doing something small that gets your adrenaline or sense of victory pumping. I feel like the more I think about what I havent done yet the less likely I am to do it, so anything that reduces that and forces you to think more short term is kind of golden as long as it isn’t directly harmful to you.
Sometimes I also try to reward myself for things I havent done yet, to invoke a feeling of urgency over not having earned it.
It feels pretty unpleasant, but sometimes it beats the unpleasantness of not getting anything done.

>>40650003
this reawakened something inside of me. Sounds like a nice buy though! Hope you enjoy it

>>40651530
they really are going down fast these days.
I’ll try to help if I can

Bought Armored Core VI because I'm on a mech binge I guess.
The realisation that I'd hit my physical standards for the military, I think, demotivated me from training for a bit, because before I was always chasing the goal, and then it's like
>oh I did it now what
So yeah, I'm going to mentally tell myself im training to pilot mechs and live in a world of delusion so that I can force myself into doing my cardio (it is, however, a fun larp).
There is a part of me that wishes I could just own how fucking weird I am more openly. I'll probably feel happier doing that when I look less like a moid (which, hey, I am getting comments indicating I'm progressing that way, so that's something).
>>40650003
>>40652413
/sig/ maid posting hours fr. Actually, I'm still procrastinating on chucking out a load of old guy clothes (like pre-weight loss, so they don't fit anyway). Unfortunately, I am actually too busy to deal with it all.
>>40651636
I genuinely don't know what happened to the friends I had pre-uni. I've tried reaching out before but nothing really came from it, I think we're just too different now. I struggle even relating to my brother sometimes, and we're twins ffs.
Although I think that's more that I have changed rather than he has.

>>40652519
>armored core
(nice!)

Tossing out old clothes that make you feel like shit so you cant wear them anymore is genuinely an amazing trick at improving your overall mood, so I hope you get the chance to do it sometime soon Navy. Or that’s how it’s worked for me, at least.
Dressing in something that makes me feel better does a lot to help me fight back against the fear of being too disgusting to take up space.

Goodnight bump

Sorry I was going to post this in the other thread but i got busy playing yugioh and was a bit preoccupied with doing my test for a job. The OCD i havent got looked at yet, but I need to get checked because on the off chance that there is more to me because at times I feel detached from myself. It feels weird being real like I don’t know sometimes I feel like I’m doing things and then get detached from myself been happening for quite a while for too long. Sometimes I don’t do things so simple because I don’t know why I know it’s easy to do but it feels a bit too much for some reason. Also about the lead thing there was this study that said among the lines that some fiber supplements contain hints of lead which is why I was nervous and stopped taking mine because on the off chance. To answer your response yeah /sig/ has helped because talking about this stuff it feels great and off my chest because I would have probably going through the motions like I’ve done. I do really want to better myself it’s why I came here in the first place I don’t really know where else I would talk about a porn addiction that has taken a portion of my life. I have got to go job hunting because I might want to go to a university, but I need to pick myself up because I am just too much of a mess at the moment.

i can levitate birds but nobody cares...

What if we just hugged really tightly then the works would be a better place(briefly)

p8 bump

>>40655582
I care

Hey Sig, sorry about all the other threads dying, hope you're doing well otherwise.

Its been a bit better since we got our eviction notice. We got in contact with a landlady who owns a bunch of properties around town and she said tomorrow she'll let us know if this one place is going to be open, we'll be contacting a few other landlords my friend's dad either knows through a friend of his, or directly has done work for, that way we don't have to provide a prior reference. We're eyeing this other place in town another friend of mine lives and some other places, but applying will wait until the morning and when I have my new phone set up.

So far we've packed 7 boxes. We're going to do a system for packing and our dirty clothes where we wash the built up laundry pile, let it air dry, pack up when its clean, new load, rinse lather repeat until its done. We're going to be tossing more old stuff, so that's fun. Its kind of an uncanny feeling to box all my stuff up and watch my apartment lose traces of "me" and start to go back to how it was when we first moved in.

I have to go over to my mom's apartment and grab some stuff from my childhood, since we're not going to be living near each other anymore probably.

I'm still miserable and upset about all of this, and I got into a fight with my husband today from the stress of everything, but we talked it out and both feel better. There's nothing that crying and throwing a tantrum will improve, I just have to put my nose to the grindstone and function like a proper adult.

The ocd is still ocd-ing and like, yeah its not great but I think curbing my obsession with numbers and fixing shit can wait until after I have a new place.

>>40648685 (OP)
Why cops are such wusses about someone having prescribed ritalin for few years? Pretty petty esp when it's only thing helping and said person in question did drug tests (they did came out negative)

I'm keeping on top of my 20 milers even if my diet is failing a bit the last day or so. I'm about to be on 6 days of night shifts so I'll either be very active or very inactive (and apologies in advance because also probably a bit unstable).
I also have to start something relating to my military stuff that's stressing me out because of how busy I am (well and for reasons I've been over before).
>>40657432
All cops are wusses about most things. Especially ones with firearms. >>40652743
For me a lot of it is just having space for new stuff, since my room is basically full of things that aren't mine or i dont use so I don't feel like I can even get new stuff.
But yeah I'm mech-maxxing.
>>40655732
Why make it just a what if...
>>40656963
I can't remember if you're stateside or not but I keep reading about people losing apartments all over the place. Kinda feels like the rental situation everywhere is fucked.

>>40657523
So I'm like not good at naming emotions but my brother came up this weekend, and all my family have gone out, but like no one even asked me if I wanted to spend time with them.
And it's bothering me more than I care to admit. I feel like I'm being unreasonable because I have to work a shift tonight, so I wouldn't be able to spend all day with them, but it's upsetting that I just seem to get left out. I want to tell them how it's made me feel, but I know they'll just pass it back at me, and then I'll be in the wrong because I'm always working and so I'm not spending time with them, and I can't even deny it. They don't know I'm trans, and they can't understand that I have to work all the time so I can afford to transition.

And then out doing my 20 miles, and there were people all over my route just getting in the way, so the effort level felt bad, and that's getting at me as well. It's a poor excuse, but I can't deal with failure right now.

been two months clean off hard drugs but my life is so messed up right now i don't know where to begin repairing.

i come to this thread as the church for the self improvement cult it is to beg for salvation.

>>40658564
What kind of drugs specifically? Good on you for making a change.

>>40649648
>Really you just kind of have to do stuff even if it's boring, unwanted etc
A very fair point.

>The best I've managed is forcing myself to go cycle to get my brain full of chemicals that make me actually want to do things I need to do
Makes sense, gyming in the morning sorta helped jump start my brain a bit.

>>40659172
Yea, i should say, making it an identical repeated task for phys stuff helps me.
So like I'll cycle 20 miles every other day atm and it eventually just becomes like brushing my teeth or showering in my mind (actually it forces me to shower as well). It becomes basically unthinkable that I wouldn't get the exercise done and that makes it easy to do.

>>40652413
>I feel like the more I think about what I havent done yet the less likely I am to do it, so anything that reduces that and forces you to think more short term is kind of golden as long as it isn’t directly harmful to you
I follow, so break things down so I can do them in the moment without being overwhelmed?

>Sometimes I also try to reward myself for things I havent done yet, to invoke a feeling of urgency over not having earned it
Like a snack, a cup of coffee or using some free time to relax?
>It feels pretty unpleasant, but sometimes it beats the unpleasantness of not getting anything done
It seems simple enough to try out.

damn, gotta get to sleep again soon, night for now
see you all later

bruh living

My grandparents gave me some dumb booklet my class made in elementary school. Holy fuck, I was already a pretentious faggot at age 10. Like, it had some texts we had to write about our hobbies and mine was like the wordiest cringe ever.

I may be a personality-cel. Like, only reading that explains so much about the absolute state of me.

Oh well... Have some nice art of Miku I found...

>>40660643
I understand this feeling. It’s something I’ve been recognizing and working on in myself.

I think part of my problem was that I grew up with undiagnosed autism. This meant that I was hyperlexic (big vocabulary, good at learning words), and had trouble connecting with kids my own age. I wasn’t good at making friends but I developed a reputation for being smart, and that became the foundation of my self-esteem. But I was taking pride in something that was a result of natural curiosity rather than effort and achievement, which made me complacent. Pretentiousness was the result.

A book that really helped me recognize this was Wisdom of the Idiots, which I read (half of) last winter. It’s a book of parables written by ancient Muslim mystics. A recurring message of the book is that arrogance — becoming attached to your self-image as a smart person — is an obstacle to learning, and off-putting in general.

I hope this helps.

>>40592906
>"Tranny" has gone the way of "faggot" from what I can tell.
It's not just the trans stuff. I feel like most parts of 4chan are filled with hatred and it really fucks with me. It's been like this for a solid decade.

>it's only scary the first time.
I can imagine. I once talked with someone here for a long time, but I broke things off. I would've been too scared to meet them and that meant that I was leading them on... I'm glad that I did.

>you feel directionless
Very much so, yes... Been feeling like this for seven years. I am McFuckingLost in life.

>I only give mine out when I want people to have it for good.
I mean, I don't have too much control over that. Giving it out, I mean... Every job these days has a practically mandatory WhatsApp group. I just delete everyone once I quit.

>I've had lots of experiences of that sort as a kid.
Yeah, likewise. I mean, I eventually got it under control by throwing bricks & stones at random people. That was that then. No one fucks with the kid with the brick. I assume you were more civilized than that... It still left its mark.

>Are you talking about conversations in large groups where it never feels like your turn to speak up?
Yeah, I guess. Also, when two men meet, the first thing they seem to do is compare their respective penises. The outcome with determine your further relationship. I hate that. Maybe that was why I had a lot of female friends in high school.

>can you try expanding upon that?
Anything you write down you don't have to carry around with you.

>Imagine I somehow materialized in your city and invited you out for a coffee
If you somehow materialized in my TOWN filled with BOOMERS, we would have to drive to the next town over to get an at least somewhat decent cup of coffee.

>Do you feel I would be much different?
I don't know. I don't know you and I've never met anyone from the internet, so I don't know how that maps.

I'm sorry, I am in a truly rancid mood today.

Today I messed everything up I touched. Water everywhere. Soap foam everywhere. Things breaking. Meals being overcooked. Figuring out some sort of fly has taken up residency in one of my plants.
Urgh…

>>40657523
Ah yeah, that definitely feels great too. Freeing up space that is. Possibly also mech-maxxing
Sorry to hear about your family between. Being invited to something even if you cant go is more important than people realise sometimes.

>>40658564
Two months is a good start, and even more so if the rest of your life is chaos. Figuring out what to do when theres a lot going is really hard.

>>40659284
Yeah, that and setting deadlines or engaging in an activity where you cant postpone it once you start. Think something like an exam, where you have to set everything aside to finish it, or wanting to go to an event that only lasts one day.
Depending on how badly you’re procrastinating you can increase or decrease the pressure involved.
>Like a snack, a cup of coffee or using some free time to relax?
Anything you like, really, as long as it works and you feel like you have to earn it. A snack or a cup of coffee isn’t quite enough for me when it comes to finishing bigger tasks, but for others it might be.

quick update
long ass travel day. Tomorrow I will finally have the time to make posts I think.

>>40660845
>Wisdom of the Idiots
Looks interesting, just ordered a paperback. Thanks.

>>40660961
Sorry for venting at you in advance, it's not really at you I just need to throw my thoughts into the /tttt/ void.
It also just makes me question my self worth a lot because it's like
>Why am I not good enough for them to care
And then I get self defeating when I can't answer that. Anyway yea CEN issues, I tried not being too much and that didn't work, tried achieving and that didnt work. Idfk guess I'm screwed. I really don't know how I'm supposed to have value atp, it never seems enough no matter what I do.
I hate to admit it but I nearly broke down crying when I got my army acceptance letter because at least it meant I had value to something.

At least I can enjoy my mech larp even if I'm cheating on my diet to try and feel better (which actually just makes me feel worse tbqh).

I hate myself for being such a procrastinator
Need to do stuff aaaa
Hrt buy and then look beyond that
But that need to be done I’m out and I don’t wanna go on pills for too long

>>40661314
No worries, I don’t mind.
As a teen I considered going into the army too, thinking that if I hated myself so much and nobody else could use me at least my body was worth something. I’ve felt drawn to the idea of prostitution for the same reason. Being normal about self worth when you grow up without proper external validation and care within the home is hard, so I don’t really blame you for crying about it…
I guess I’m working on understanding it better too.

Something Ive discovered recently is that keeping a “friendly” and “polite” air of distance and indifference can lead to being shown more care and attention. Pretending to listen, but not investing your own thoughts into conversations. Not reacting to whatever they do or say beyond the bare minimum.
Kind of turning the tables on them, in a sense, and ceasing any and all attempts at trying to make them care because you know you wont find it there.

I’m not sure if it’s the best solution and it doesn’t help build any feeling of value. But at the very least it helps reduce how much it hurts when they lash out or ignore you.

>>40662014
>>40662014
I dont lean prostitution but yeah my worst moments is my brain screaming that I'm only good for letting gross men off Grindr abuse me and then my brain just conjures up matching images to drop my self worth further.
I guess now I'm just wishing my body wasnt hideous and that I could at least earn empathy through being attractive or pathetic enough even if my actual self isn't enough at least I'll be it.
I tried hiding all my aspirations etc from them and they just got mad that I lied.

I need to quit this job nightshifts genuinely destroy my mental health.
I try and read a lot to understand myself better but it all just comes back to me being quite broken with not a lot I can do about it

I should probably head to bed.
Still coughing and sneezing, and theres no fucking way Im going to make it to the office Monday. They’ve been very kind to me though. My prototype project is nearly done so… thats a relief. Still kind of avoiding my family and the doctor and other issues a bit. Still trying not to drink too much or eat too little. Still trying to stay present in the present.

I’m probably going to see if I can say a quick hello from a distance to some of the work out people on way to pick up meds and dishwasher cleaner tomorrow.
I… feel kind of attracted to one of them but I know it’s because Ive essentially been locked inside with sparse and sporadic physical interactions for nearly half a decade. … I feel like I need to feel somebody to feel better and progress. Or at least learn how to be kinder to myself, sexually.
That’s embarrassing. Ultimately human, but…
Not the kind of self improvement you’d normally tell anyone but a select few friends about after a couple of beers.

… so I guess I’ll… See what I can do about that. Eventually. Sleep tight

>>40662716
>I'm only good for letting gross men off Grindr abuse me
Yeah, that ‘s… Quite relatable.
>earn empathy through being attractive or pathetic
Hmm I havent really thought about getting it through being pathetic before. How does that thought play out for you, internally? Being sick or… Incapable of doing anything on your own by nature? Or something else entirely?
>nightshifts genuinely destroy my mental health
Real, I’ve heard that from practically everyone I know who has worked them. If you can, absolutely switch to daytime shifts.

>>40662898
I should say projecting I guess weakness or softness over pathetic.
Like (okay my ego has recovered a little) it is quite hard for me to be considered incapable. But yeah getting attention from the denizens of Grindr (when I had that hellapp) I did better when I seemed vulnerable. I think some of it is I see other people who are able to be weak or vulnerable and not have people leave (or have that fear) and I kinda wish I had that.
>switch to daytime shifts.
Unfortunately rotating shift schedule (hellish as fuck but the money has been useful), ofc i have another job lined up and savings but I never feel like I have enough saved and I see a lot of transfems get in bad situations if they dont have a reserve to fall back on.

...this fucking guy comes into our breakroom with 10 other tables free and decides to put his shit on mine.
I'm going to explode.

Bump

>>40648757
>The brutal truth is that if he didn't believe it he would be panicking, because he would realize how thin the ice he is on actually is.
I mean, shit, I empathize. I've been trying to get friends for years only to recently have some decent success. I also don't feel like I really valued relationships as much until I was at my lowest. Do you think a harsh wake up call would work? I also have some friends who are pretty firecely independent or responsible... though he seems different from them. They usually keep themselves moving.
>To be fair a secure living situation does lay the groundwork
Oh, absolutely. I don't fault him for that. Pretty much everyone I know my age is struggling with that as am I.
>This would not be an issue if he were as content as he claims
he's content with me, at least. He's definitely going through a rough patch in terms of other stuff, so I try to give him grace. He is my boyfriend so I feel some responsibility as to his emotional state... at the same time, the more I have interacted in person, online, the more I just realize how he is not the person for me. I just feel held back. I just want to cultivate my own healthy habits and not feel tied down or responsible to be (frankly) permanently online like he is right now.
>Can you imagine him falling into a depressive spiral like this?
Yes. Hell, I could also imagine myself falling into this spiral.

Gonna catch up throughout the day if I can help it.
>>40631004
>probably instant pot, maybe the memefryer edition if it won't hold smellz and be as easy to clean (so probably not)
I would really like to get a pressure cooker eventually! But my kitchen situation doesn't permit it, really.
>first: veg, bread, some of that healthy pasta salad that's on sale
Wonderful, already got an idea what to cook?
>>40642543
It was a very cathartic cry, and FUCK mosquitoes.
>>40641557
Thank you.. I was also hugged while crying, it was a much needed experience honestly.
>>40636385
>The panic attacks have stopped and my new craft supplies are arriving by the end of the week.
Wonderful news, Anon! I wish you nothing but the best, what's your current project?
>>40637951
> There's points I think are improving but I lack hard metrics
It would help to have people around who aren't brainwormed and in the know for that. Or you can just take some easily measurable metrics and assume the rest progresses at a similar pace. And yes, I think it is normal for you to hear BDDemons whisper into your ear, and it is good you seem to be worried about/pushing against them.
>I'd tell someone irl and ask for objective feedback but I'm scared of getting hurt.
It is difficult, since even cis women get to experience being told they aren't fem enough on the reg. Do you got someone specific in mind?

more later.
>>40631088
>smut
based. Hey, if you enjoy it, why the hell not?
>It just seems to spark a lot of my wiring.
It comforts you so why not enjoy it. No such thing as thought crime.
>Probably oversharing
Nah girl, I don't mind at all.
>>40631886
>Laetitia <3 thank u
you're welcome, I love her design.
>>40633294
>very sleep deprived and my coworkers are themselves
Commiserations, Anon. Hope work is still tolerable in spite of it.
>>40634429
>Idk why the threads have been 90% dogshit lately. Well aside the obvious
Is it just me or has /lgbt/ been going at a quicker pace?
>>40636118
>anime girls are awesome
I mean if I disagreed I certainly wouldn't post as many!

I'm kinda curious what the normal HRT -> Girlmode timeline is desu. Just a random ask because I see timelines where it's like 3 months HRT but for me I'm just "unless I can do it with low to no effort day to day I don't want to put the full effort in".
Like I want to really be defaulted to androgyny at least, I hate the idea that my ability to be seen correctly is easy to take away.
>>40665400
>It would help to have people around who aren't brainwormed and in the know for that.
Yeah, unfortunately my local trans community is like theyfabs, a transmasc (actually chill dude - although we've only spoken briefly online) and a very late transitioner who is reliant on the NHS afaik. So not a good comparison for a 24 yearold on DIY.
I'd ask my mom for feedback but well frankly that sounds hellish to endure because she says things that make me dysphoric plenty as is, as much as I'd like to trust her (also, CEN issues).
>>40665408
Tbf i did reach that point of "fuck it why not". That and I have to really get over any sense of shame or fear of outing for that job I'm after because ultimately that would be a vulnerability (even if I obviously can't be fully out for a while - fine by me I need to let HRT do its thing and frankly being openly trans in Ph1 doesn't sound pleasant, better to blend in there).

I think LGBT has been running quicker off ragebait/pol threads to an extent tbf. Feels like 50% of posts i see on the board are just a cishet person trying to ragebait my posting like JKR and that'll kill slow threads.

hrt and working lower body will save me. ive never had the dedication to consistently work out, though— /sig/, how does a tranny like me get Motivation?

>>40649234
>Is there any shot at being able to find all these past few threads using Desuarchive?
It's all archived, 100%. The 4chanx extension would replace dead links with archived.moe links, iirc. You can customize which archive to use I think.
Right now everything is still in the archive though so 4chanx doesn't autoredirect. Here's an example
https://archived.moe/lgbt/thread/40526903

OP also reposted a lot of replies that in 4chanx show you the original post they link to if you mouse over them

I can’t do shit
No laser
No workout to get in shape
No time to actually take care of myself
No time to learn new hobbies
I’m sinking! I’m gonna close years on hrt still manmoding hardcore and nothing done on any front

>>40660961
>Yeah, that and setting deadlines or engaging in an activity where you cant postpone it once you start. Think something like an exam, where you have to set everything aside to finish it, or wanting to go to an event that only lasts one day
I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety related to getting a Visa application done, costs and all that brings me a lot of stress.
A relative I really trust and respect is helping me with it all.
I hate relying on people for money but I gotta get this all done before the 24th August, so avoid any issues.

>Depending on how badly you’re procrastinating you can increase or decrease the pressure involved
I wish I could give myself extra hours in the day somehow.
It always feels like I'm running against the clock.

>Anything you like, really, as long as it works and you feel like you have to earn it
I have a hard time feeling good about myself. I think that may be a little obvious at this point but maybe I should change my perspective somehow.
>A snack or a cup of coffee isn’t quite enough for me when it comes to finishing bigger tasks, but for others it might be
Okay, I'll try to think of something that could help motivate me more.

>>40659227
>Yea, i should say, making it an identical repeated task for phys stuff helps me.
>So like I'll cycle 20 miles every other day atm and it eventually just becomes like brushing my teeth or showering in my mind (actually it forces me to shower as well)
Ah okay, that's reasonable.


>It becomes basically unthinkable that I wouldn't get the exercise done and that makes it easy to do
I see aht you're saying I think.
So, break down the task until it feels almost natural to do it?

>>40668345
how does it feel to take hrt while manmoding with no laser?
im considering DIYing but idk it feels like it would cause me a lot of dissociating and such
are you happy with the changes? how do you deal with them?

>>40668345
What's holding you back nona.
Laser is a simple easy one to get done especially on the face if you're worried about being outed as trans and if you're like me and have fears of mockery, exclusion, rejection etc it's an easy way to get started. I manmode to all my laser appointments I just tell them I dont want to shave for the army (which is both true and also not my primary motivation).

Is working out a choice overload issue? Because all you need to do to get in shape is just go consistently, you dont need the perfect plan or even any plan, just get into a gym or outside and put a good effort in. Hell even a 2 mile mixed run/walk (best effort until you have to walk, walk recovery, repeat) will progress you if you monitor your caloric intake. Obviously C25K is a think but I never bothered with it and I'd like to think I'm an okay runner (or was, I'm slacking on my running)

Self care I haven't got completely down but a daily SPF is an easy start and then just moisturiser as and when (you can probably get one that does both). If you're getting a sweat worked up you will want to shower as well which solves that block. I manage that and I'm on 12 hour shifts so I can promise you have the time.
>>40669237
Not perhaps break down (into multiple tasks anyway, because for me I get task overload paralysis) but make it seem small, make it simple and easy and then it is the repetition that makes it feel natural (no different to going into work or similar) It is a bit of effort to mentally reprogram but it can be done. Essentially your brain (like anyones) likes routines and things do feel natural after enough repetitions

>>40669397
No laser on my face made me horribly dysphoric but I am primarily dypshoric about my face (like my body gets to me sometimes but it's not what makes me disassociate).
I'm approaching 4.5 months HRT (at least consistent not hondosed) and the changes are ~okay~ i had a decent amount of boob growth but also my body wants to eat a fridge all the time. Skin is a lot smoother and more sensitive in a few places, sex drive dramatically reduced (but that's mainly cypro afaik).
Post laser fucks me up a bit because charred dark hairs are very visible even when shaved and body hair is a semi frequent fight but I can hide it under clothing mostly (it has thinned out in a few areas at least).
Might be BDDemons but I think I've had fat distribute back into my tummy/waist a bit which fucks me up a little (but i already had those fat cells from prior obesity).
But I've sort of accepted that actual feminine bodyfat distribution is something that's gonna be 1.5-2 years off and dependent on me weight cycling (hence why I'm dropping weight now).

>>40669465
>>40669417
...i feel malebrained. God i need to do bloodwork because when I get like this I worry my HRT isn't working even though I know my dosing.
And I need to buy more blockers

Bump

Finally back home, way too tired to catch up with everything but enough for another post before bed. I think I should call it a night right now..

>>40636816
>>40652413
>Thread death aside I hope your week has been good so far
My week has been lovely actually, thank you! Been spending all this time with loved ones. It sounds like you made some progress in the meantime, in spite of sickness! Seems it wasn't covid after all?
>>40651530
Thank you so much for helping out by the way, I didn't have much time to keep up recently, but I'm confident it will be fine the coming week.
>but there's no disorder that describes them adequately?
>theres so much fucky in my brain but it feels very alienating
I think I get what you mean, but in those cases it might be particularly good to try and articulate the bits and pieces giving you grief to find some labels for them.

>>40668995
>anxiety related to getting a Visa application done
Writing applications and needing money is stressful and anxiety inducing as hell, yeah. I’m glad you have somebody to help you out, bunanon, even if it’s a pain in the ass.

Regarding procrastination in relation to deadlines and pressure it’s a delicate balance: too little and you’ll stay stuck, too much and you’ll have a nervous breakdown. In general I’ve found that if there’s larger risks involved (potential of massive financial loss, being denied treatment, etc) it’s too much. The ideal seems to be time sensitive tasks where “losing” is unappealing without being a threat to long term comfort and safety.

> I have a hard time feeling good about myself.
Hmm, yeah leaning into that is one of the downsides of this method I suppose… I’m still trying to figure out how to tackle that.
>Okay, I'll try to think of something that could help motivate me more.
Nice! Maybe if you brainstorm in here some anons will be able to help you with suggestions. I’m not sure if what I’m using as motivators will work for others

>>40664077
Ah, I see. Sort of inviting others to take on a protective role by appearing fragile, and hoping they’ll stay with you once they’ve found you out of some instinctive sense of needing to make sure you’re kept safe. Or… alternatively, that theyll stay because you’re easy to abuse for their own pleasure. Hm.
Yeah I can see how that could feel appealing.
>I never feel like I have enough saved
Without trying to force any numbers out of you, how long would you be able to survive on what you have now if you had to run away and relocate tomorrow? Only asking because I recognise that feeling of needing to save up money from myself, and that I know growing up in certain ways can make it go out of hand

>>40672265
Welcome back home siganon. Sounds like a pretty good time, and I’m glad you got to have it. Feels like a nice way to recharge some emotional soul energy, or whatever we humans have.
>seems it wasn’t covid after all?
Not 100% sure yet but doesnt seem like it, no.
On the bright side that means I won’t infect anyone.
On the negative side… Mm. Well.
There might be another day trip to the hospital waiting for me in the near future.

>>40672474
Pretty much that I think yeah. I don't think having self worth issues helps
>how long would you be able to survive on what you have now if you had to run away and relocate tomorrow?
If I didn't work (and only with what I've got in my main bank account) probably 4-6 months. If I used all my savings (including what I have for FFS, hopefully a place of my own at some point etc) about 3 years.
But I only have that money out of luck. Once it's gone it's gone and I can't touch it without feeling like I'll be harming myself down the line. And if I can't find work I'll be screwed either way, I don't know how to find work while trans, as a guy it's easy but my qualifications are mediocre and without having "being a man" to fall back on I'm lost.
Sorry, it sounds stupid written out but I feel like the floor's always about to slip out from under me and I'm not rational about it, being accurate to myself (ie being trans) feels extremely unsafe and abusable (like I'm a bullied kid again) where the constructed personality I had/have as a guy feels indestructible in comparison.
Way off the point but I do find myself wondering if I have trauma splitting or cptsd type issues. But I hate self diagnosing, it would make it too easy to over prescribe issues. Especially since this cropped up after I restarted HRT, as a guy my brain felt fairly normal...

>>40673584
I feel like most of this can summarise down to "Navy might be the most brainwormed person alive".
Idfk I don't want a laundry list of mental issues attached to myself on top of dysphoria but there's gotta be a reason I'm so fucked up.

Bump

Bump

>>40673584
>>40673653
It’s okay, there’s no need to apologise. Irrational thoughts always seem a bit dumber written down, but that doesnt mean they hold less power over us or cause us less trouble.
A lot of the time it boils down to fears and cautious behavior having made sense in the past but not in the present, but with the current social and political climate and you being trans I can understand wanting to take some extra precautions. I guess the main issue here is that taking those extra precautions shouldn’t feel as “do it now no matter the consequences or you’ll die” as they appear to feel. Taking care of future you shouldn’t come at too steep of an expense to present you if it can be avoided, because future you needs present you to hurt yourself as little as possible, mentally and physically. That may mean making less money, but if burn yourself out from stress future you won’t be able to enjoy your savings anyway.
Every time you feel the need to overwork yourself or take on worse working conditions you’ll have to stop for a second and brute force your head into recognising what the greater threat is:
a lower wage, or an increased risk of long lasting damage?

But… That’s easier said than done.
Switching to fully living by that mentality is hard when you’re scared and stuck feeling worthless. I’m pretty bad at it myself.
>wondering if I have trauma splitting or cptsd type issues
Statistically speaking not unlikely afaik, and from what Ive understood presumably under diagnosed by professionals in many countries. Whether you have it or not reading up on how it works and how to handle it might be helpful though. You never know. Coping methods wont care about your patient info or judge you for trying

Bump

>>40676458
I think my brain likes to make everything all or nothing. My life is a lot of "i just have to do X then I get to live" and when I'm stuck in the ground of doing (getting my degree, joining the military, transitioning) I'm lost. But now I'm at the point where my weight loss is stalled by working and eating to cope (and i rrally dont feel in control of it) with that and other stressors and it's like I could quit, I need my boss to help with my military stuff but taking a few months to put myself in the best shape I can be in makes sense. But then what if it all goes wrong and I have less saved to fall back on.
Especially because my brains become numb to it because it thinks I'm just going to be outed and turned away (so I'm trying to shelter myself from emotional investment, but of course I can't so I'm internalising it again).
Got off shift an hour ago and I'm tired of all of it

I hope you are all doing ok.

wagmi

i am pathetic tranny with male rage, kms

>>40679048
looking kinda bearish today tbqh

>>40669417
>Not perhaps break down (into multiple tasks anyway, because for me I get task overload paralysis) but make it seem small, make it simple and easy and then it is the repetition that makes it feel natural
So instead of worrying over everything detail, I can try to simplify it until it's less daunting?

>(no different to going into work or similar) It is a bit of effort to mentally reprogram but it can be done. Essentially your brain (like anyones) likes routines and things do feel natural after enough repetitions
So, I can try to treat it like any other chore I usually do?

>>40679053
What even is male rage
>>40678372
I hope you're doing okay nona
>>40679048
It's bleak I only have time to do 22km not my full 20 miles. 4 more shifts but i badly need an actual holiday.

>>40679946
Oh hi nona.
Yeah basically, drop the details and just go do. Which if it's exercise can mean getting a bit uncomfortable, I've done mine in heavy rain, cold etc before because the point is to just wipe the excuses from your mind. Not that I'm doing well today because I've run out of time to get my shit done.
Dont perhaps treat it as a chore if you resent chores but certainly in that form of habit. Altho ig i treat my example as a chore it's just i do like cycling somewhat.

>>40672474
>Writing applications and needing money is stressful and anxiety inducing as hell, yeah
Super stressful.

>I’m glad you have somebody to help you out, bunanon, even if it’s a pain in the ass
Thank you, Siganon.
I really wanna get all this doe as much as I can.
My relative is supposed to be retired and taking it easy but life is expensive all over.
One of many reasons I need to become rich as soon as possible, or least have a real career.

>Regarding procrastination in relation to deadlines and pressure it’s a delicate balance: too little and you’ll stay stuck, too much and you’ll have a nervous breakdown
I totally agree.
>In general I’ve found that if there’s larger risks involved (potential of massive financial loss, being denied treatment, etc) it’s too much
It feels too much at times but I gotta learn to deal with this these things better, if I wanna become independent and stable one day.

>The ideal seems to be time sensitive tasks where “losing” is unappealing without being a threat to long term comfort and safety
Yeah, I hate doing stuff wrong or failing.
Failure feels like a heartattack.

Alright, today I shall catch up for the most part.
>>40649234
If you need help disentangling old posts I will gladly help you!
>Do any of you have any advice for overcoming Procrastination and Depressive moods?
There is a book I have heard of recently that deals with issues like that, I have seen it recommended on other sites called "How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing", by KC Davis. Since libgen is down at the moment I dug up an AA link: https://annas-archive.org/md5/f405b88e00ead6f8aaa7962b0e96ea71
It might help, I am seriously considering adding it to the resources.
>>40638219
>How do I improve my talking-to-people skills as a confirmed autismo?
We actually have a book for exactly that in the resources! I would love to hear your opinion on it. Check the paste, it's "What to Say Next: Successful Communication in Work, Life and Love — with Autism Spectrum Disorder"
>>40649648
>(sorry, flow of consciousness got to me)
Hey girl, I don't mind at all. Honestly I think, given all you told me, you will successfully make do no matter how it pans out. I don't think there is a single wrong decision you would willingly make, Navy.
>>40650003
>yeah nothing burger post just posting about my fetish heh
I would personally put you in a dress if given the choice. You peeps sometimes can use a gentle but forceful hand to convince you to girlmode.
>>40650284
>I dont let myself seek attention anymore so now im left with a huge contact list of strangers I only talked to for utilitarian reasons
>as a retardd repper and I feel terrible about it
It sounds like what you need is meaningful connections rather than venting devices, so to say? Building meaningful, mutualistic relationships.
On top of that I would like to know more about your repping.

Wound up staying up too late working on my project to make up for the extra time I spent saying hello to the workout people. Seeing and hearing them being happy to see me made me stay out longer than I had intended. Still sick though. Seems like another round of something leading up to needing a test for blood clots rather than a flu but I wore a face mask just in case.
Making and eating food is getting hard again, so I’ve been living off less than ideal meals to keep myself from giving up on eating. It’s better than nothing.

>>40680153
Sorry, it’s Shinjianon. I should really change these file names to make it more apparent…
>It feels too much at times but I gotta learn to deal with this these things better
>Failure feels like a heartattack
Yeah, going stuck from fear of failure is difficult to get out of. It reinforces itself like crazy. Whenever that happens you have to do what you and Navy are discussing: chop it into smaller portions to make it less scary.
For something like that, instead of applying more pressure to decrease thoughts that overcomplicate what needs to be done, you can choose to limit your access to tasks.
Instead of having everything in one big place, put some of them away where you can’t easily reach them and focus on one.

This can be done physically
>(taking 1 task with you to the library and solving it there, leaving the rest at home)
and digitally
>(stuff other documents and distractions away in folders, only keeping 1 thing on your desktop. Turning off your internet for the time being if you know you wont need it).

By making it more difficult to think about solving multiple tasks at once you can trick your brain into behaving like there is less to do, making the task you’re trying to solve seem less complicated and scary.
The fear of failure can still win out, of course, but by giving it less to focus on it can be a bit easier to tame and get shit done

>>40651636
>>40651839
Remember Anons, I am here to push you and try give actionable advice to you best I can. You can make friends, perhaps even with one another.
>>40651913
>but also felt compelled to not leave people in the dark
I think that is very healthy, really. It is great for maintaining relationships to be able to have quiet spells. But it also requires upkeep nonetheless. It sounds like you miss those times. There is a cure to estrangement. Growing apart is reversible a lot of the time. If you need help, we're there for it.
>>40654856
>The OCD i havent got looked at yet
Please don't take it the wrong way but your OCD flags are crimson. I would consider it a top priority matter for your well-being.
>To answer your response yeah /sig/ has helped because talking about this stuff it feels great and off my chest because I would have probably going through the motions like I’ve done.
I'm very proud of you that you opened up like that, by the way! I hope you don't mind me being so selective regarding the bits I respond to though, I read everything. Things are difficult and I do hope that getting the OCD matter looked into will greatly ease the difficulties you experience, which in turn would most likely make things like the job search easier, though that is conjecture. I wish you nothing but the very best and I hope you can tell I am rooting for you!
>>40657432
It's pathetic honestly, and seems like an international phenomenon. Hope they didn't give you too much grief. How are you doing now?

>>40652145
spiraly thoughts?
>>40652519
>oh I did it now what
One useful thought might be "USE IT OR LOSE IT".. Though I find your approach to motivation much more compelling, really!
>I could just own how fucking weird I am more openly.
It definitely is a lifesaver for me, and it is a liberty I would love everyone to have.
>>40655582
>i can levitate birds but nobody cares...
That sounds so familiar but I can't put my finger on it.. 'sup, Anon?
>>40655732
One thing that I don't mention often ITT is that I am very physical. I would hug each and every one of you without hesitation.
>>40658564
I'm super happy for you, Junko! As so often I would start with making a list and get an overview if you dunno where to start. I will gladly hold your hand best I can.

>>40677432
>I just have to do X then I get to live
Thats a dangerous pitfall to fall into, yeah.
Not just because it means you dont get to live as is, but also because achieving whatever it is that would “allow” you to live rarely does it. When you do, you’ll often just end up moving the goalpost further away or try to come up with reasons for not actually having reached it.
>eating to cope
What do you usually eat when you do it? If you’re feeling out of control of the act itself, the easiest way to make it less bad on your body might be to substitute your snacks with something healthier that still scratches the itch to eat.
>What if it all goes wrong and I have less saved to fall back on
Well… No matter what, taking a break is going to cut into your finances. The thing is that if you initiate it yourself and do it out of want rather than need, you’ll be more in control than if you wait for your body or spirit to be broken. Try thinking of it as an investment: you’re buying free time and relaxation. That isn’t the same as an unplanned loss of money, that’s a conscious decision. Is it preventative maintenance fees or a long vacation? You decide, really. The point is that as long as you aren’t completely drained from funds or owe anyone money you get to spend them whenever you want.

>>40665400
>I wish you nothing but the best,
Thank you! It's been a while since I last posted so I wanted to share a win now that I'm getting closer to where I ought to be.
>what's your current project?
I'm knitting something for a friend I haven't seen in a long time. It's something I haven't made before so I'm hoping it turns out well!

>>40656963
Heya, wishing you nothing but the best for your apartment search, it sounds like there are many promising opportunities!
>Its kind of an uncanny feeling to box all my stuff up and watch my apartment lose traces of "me" and start to go back to how it was when we first moved in.
Oh I know that feeling all too well.. I have moved so much I feel very rootless at the moment. I can't wait for my lifestyle to stabilize.
>>40660643
Cute picture!
>Like, it had some texts we had to write about our hobbies and mine was like the wordiest cringe ever.
Sounds like you had a rich vocabulary for your age then! I had, too. That's not at all a bad thing. The cringe is just that you were young and inexperienced.
>I may be a personality-cel
hm, I don't think it reflects poorly on you at all, what you found.
>>40660863
Heya, Tim!
>I'm sorry, I am in a truly rancid mood today.
I don't mind in the slightest.
>I feel like most parts of 4chan are filled with hatred and it really fucks with me.
Oh yes, a lot of the place is hateful. There are exceptions but I am cherry picking.
>I would've been too scared to meet them and that meant that I was leading them on...
I don't think so, at all. That is not something people would just expect. Wanna tell me more about them? How your relationship was? What made you break off contact?
>I am McFuckingLost in life.
We can try and build something. I feel like you need something intellectually and emotionally fulfilling, and hesitate a lot because no matter what you try there is no emotional fulfillment to be found.
>WhatsApp
Guh, this is gonna be fun should I go into private enterprise, cause I will categorically refuse that.
>It still left its mark.
It does. It shapes our expectations... and it can leave persistent fears. It is our nature to extrapolate from the past. It takes experiencing the contrary for these people's impressions to die off. I wanna help you make those.
(1/2)

>>40660863
(2/2)
>the first thing they seem to do is compare their respective penises.
I know the kind of exchange and strictly avoid people like that honestly. All I can say is that I think I would keep away from most flavors of people you seem to struggle with myself.
>Anything you write down you don't have to carry around with you.
Ohh, now I get it! You can, however, create reminders for things too. Objects, notes.. I think something to supplement you remembering the good would be grounding.
>we would have to drive to the next town over to get an at least somewhat decent cup of coffee
No biggie, hell, if you prefer imagine I took you into a nice 2-400k sized city I know well enough to get you to a nice place without too many people bothering you instead. Just someplace comfy.
>I don't know. I don't know you and I've never met anyone from the internet, so I don't know how that maps.
Let your mind wander for now, just.. extrapolating from how I've treated you until now, do you fear I am masking something unpleasant or is the thought of this being a good chunk of my genuine self just a very difficult one to humor? It sounds like a very me-centered question but the reason I ask is because I seem to very much subvert your prior experiences with people. And like I said.. you need scars of the past overridden with new experiences. Which is a deeply uncomfortable risk to take. I know that from firsthand experience.
>>40662772
It sounds like you have been making awesome progress in spite of the really harsh circumstances, and people around you have been appreciative!
>Not the kind of self improvement you’d normally tell anyone but a select few friends about after a couple of beers.
And if there is one thing I really don't mind talking about it's sexuality. I think it sounds good, and you have my glowing endorsement! I don't mind talking about these matters to the extent your comfort allows.

Dinner break, see you soon.

Disregard all my previous posts I deserve to suffer
I’m legitimately lazy and I deserve to be homeless because I simple don’t care about others in the slightest abd take advantage of people

I ate so much ill burst
goood god
beer time

>>40682398
>I deserve to suffer
>I deserve to be homeless
Don't we all

>>40680581
>I don't think there is a single wrong decision you would willingly make
I suppose either of the 2 likely options are fine... It's the rejection fear and because it's related to transition it's worse.
>>40680846
To be fair some of it's stuff I want to lose it's mostly the cardio that I care about which I'm keeping up i guess by cycling (idk, my running has probably degraded and I'm not okay with it).
>>40680956
>you’ll often just end up moving the goalpost further away
Yeah...
>What do you usually eat when you do it?
Usually it's whatever I can get from a work vending machine so carbs/sugars. I wish they had packs of jerky or something (i mean ffs it's a meat factory) but alas. Either that or lots of toast post shift especially on nights. But if I leave jerky etc lying about I'll just overconsume because it's available.
I'm exhausted today from this diet anyway and made a mistake because of it. Maybe the hunger means it's working idk. I'm going to try eating more tonight then not snacking tomorrow morning >>40682398
None of these things (even if they were true) would make you worthy of homelessness and suffering. People who truly don't care can't care enough to believe they should suffer.

>>40683157
Messed up the formatting award (I'm gonna go eat in a minute but god I want to binge I'm so hungry...)
It's gonna fuck me up if my scale doesnt show my weight dropping.

>>40648685 (OP)
I don't really participate but this and HRTgen are the nicest and most constructive regular threads on the board

Being actually free doesn't tell my body you are free. It needs to get the memo. A part of me is telling me there wasn't an *in there* I need to be *out* from.
It needs to get the memo that I'm going home and it's not *in there*. It's just... home.
It needs to get the memo it's not a vacation, a leave or a rarest liberty of a hard negotiated 12, maybe 24, or 36 hours - latter of which is just another form of captivity. Or, if that's too large a word - I understand, because people here *do* know what captivity is like, and I haven't ever been physically held against my will - then let's call it another set of obligations.
Anyway, today I needed to ground myself. I'm sleepless and again I won't sleep until past 0000. Then do another day testing if I'm *really* out. Only to get yanked back by an invisible leash. Over and over again.

I won't ask if it'll be better. That's stupid. But... how can I make my body believe I'm out? That it's not just a vacation?

Alright, I don't think I will fully catch up tonight but I got a whole lot closer at least! Two or three more posts for the night.
>>40665388
>Do you think a harsh wake up call would work?
Generally speaking it's a bit a matter of luck, really, some people would also go the opposite way out of some sense of spite. It is a tough thing, realizing that a lot of the time we need other people to survive. A lot of people play by the lone wolf book for their 20s only to land flat on their face with it before they reach their 30s.
>I just want to cultivate my own healthy habits and not feel tied down or responsible to be (frankly) permanently online like he is right now.
There is nothing wrong with breaking things off, but he needs a soft landing. As in, he needs to be made aware, and it would be for the best to force him not to abruptly run off and disengage, but have you and other people catch him. He will bounce back as long as he is barred from rotting and self isolation.
>>40666274
>theyfabs, a transmasc and a very late transitioner
ngl the transmasc is probably the one who is most likely to give you a sensible reality check all things considered.
>I'd ask my mom
Yeah, I would hesitate too. Having a couple straight guy friends and cis girls in the know would be better, especially if your mom has some choice brainworms like plenty of women of that generation.
>Feels like 50% of posts i see on the board are just a cishet person trying to ragebait
yeah it seems like all gens are about the same post count as sig right now so I figure we were all bumped off by spam.

>>40680956
>>40683157
I forgot I have like 8 days PTO i need to use in the next few months, that's like nearly an entire month off on my shift schedule.
I'm stupid i should just use that to get my weight in check and like actually have a holiday.
Also I'm binging, i think I'm gonna write it off as still being at maintenance overall and I'll start doing my rides daily at 22km instead of 32km every other day (works out as more volume overall and is more manageable on shift).
I'd like to try semaglutide/ozempic desu but haven't done my reading enough but then it's like
>Just lock in
Because I know I've dropped 30kg from when I first posted here (way back when) and I can do it quickly.
And like, it's 10kg i want gone. That's 6-10 weeks of high effort, it's nothing. Yeah no I need to use my PTO then dip, well and get my boss to reference for me for the military.
>>40683227
I so hope some of my rambling is helpful to the lurkers. I'm trying to reply more but yea idk how much useful advice I have for a lot of the heavier stuff.

>>40666320
>/sig/, how does a tranny like me get Motivation?
The fact that you ask suggests that, as unhelpful as it sounds, motivation is a red herring. You already want to do it, you just struggle to get started. The thing you want to focus on is how to make starting things easier, and how to perform them consistently. Here's a practical example: suppose you wanna go running more frequently. If your running shoes are neatly stashed away, if your daily routines do not incorporate a good time window for it, if scrolling eats up your time with no reminders to do other things? It's not gonna happen. So the trick is usually removing friction and habituating things you wanna to regularly. We can try figure explicit steps towards that for you!
>>40679053
What's up, Anon?
>>40672711
Thanks, shinjinon! Yeah, I really, really needed that. There will be loads of visits in my near future I feel.. Fingers crossed!
>Not 100% sure yet but doesnt seem like it, no.
Fingers crossed, although
>There might be another day trip to the hospital waiting for me in the near future.
Christ almighty...
>>40680753
>Seeing and hearing them being happy to see me made me stay out longer than I had intended.
Well, you are a pleasure to talk to ITT, I can imagine meeting you in person further amplifies the effect.
>>40681101
It's much appreciated, Anon!
>I'm knitting something for a friend I haven't seen in a long time.
Oh lovely, wanna share what kinda thing it's gonna be?

>>40682398
>I simple don’t care about others in the slightest abd take advantage of people
What makes you say that?
>>40683157
Overall you seem to be doing great Navy.
>>40683227
Thank you Anon, I really appreciate it. We're trying our best here, and I am really proud of this general and the effort i put into it. Never hesitate to redirect people here if you see them struggling, we are always happy to help!
>>40683367
You experience, from what I hear, what is called "back draft". At least, if you feel worse for a while than when you did in the bad place, that is the back draft bit. You might find it helpful to read of other experiences with it. The bit that comes after, the coming to terms with things being actually better.. that I don't know a name for. Do you have people around you that make you feel safe? Your body will calm down over time, but active comforts will help too.

>>40684268
I just don’t care
I ignore peopke on a whim
I am lazy and don’t care if it hurts others
I do things based on my current mood including work related stuff
It puts others around me down just so I can loaf about
I abuse my family cayse I feel annoyed
I spew hate online cause I hate myself

>>40684268
Thank you very much, siganon. You're truly the light of this board.
And please do take care of yourself, you work a lot here.

You've mentioned backdraft a couple of times, and yes, I'm feeling it on my skin. Tonight was just a flashback, I should know how to handle those.

> Do you have people around you that make you feel safe?
I have been isolated these last couple of years, especially since COVID. But at this moment I don't think I could trust humans. I have my Other Half, and screaming into the void.

> Your body will calm down over time, but active comforts will help too.
What do you mean about active comforts in this context?

>>40683157
>>40683872
>nearly an entire month off
Eyy, neat! That's even better!
>whatever I can get from a work vending machine
Any chance of bringing something else with you from home and putting it in a work locker so you wont eat it until you're at work?
if it's more about feeling full than it is about chewing on something you could also try bringing some soup.
>ozempic
hmm I know a handful of people who have tried it, and it seems harder on the digestive system than most people want to admit. If you know you can drop 10kg without I'd skip it.

>>40681436
>>40683983
That sounds like a good outcome. I hope for you that there will and that it will continue to add something pleasant to your life. fingers crossed!
>Well, you are a pleasure to talk to ITT, I can imagine meeting you in person further amplifies the effect.
I'm glad to hear it - and flattered by your faith in my ability to replicate it irl lol.
saying I'm good at it makes me feel slimy and gross, but being able to make people I didn't know a little over a month ago feel this strongly about me is something I think about a lot. It's a strange skill to have.
>sexuality
knowing myself my descriptions probably wont be able to go very in-depth before I hit backspace and delete them. some of it ties into the same ability to appeal to strangers as mentioned above. my hypersexual drive. my disappointing dysfunctional body. my time at the school where I was groped and cornered and licked and stalked.
The same old things.
I don't know if I'll ever be normal but I want to at least stop using it for self harm or being afraid of it. Ideally... I want to feel warm and safe about what I do and what I want instead of feeling like I'm on fire.
so I think I have to practice doing things softer.

>>40680581
>If you need help disentangling old posts I will gladly help you!
I'd appreciate that a lot, though I'm not too sure how you'd do so.
There's posts from up 4 or 5 previous threads I didn't reply to in time.
Life has been...busy.

>It might help, I am seriously considering adding it to the resources
When I get some more free time, I'll read through it a bit.
Thank you for the link, I appreciate having some resources on this kind of thing.

Bump

>>40684268
I am certainly trying. Idk I think EUn made me a bit more stable mentally but then that lack of emotion makes me think I'm not dosed right.
>>40685827
Unfortunately no, unironically work in a meat factory atm and food in lockers is a no no (and we do get searched on occasion, not that I don't violate the rules sometimes but yea).
It's a bit feeling full but also I just feel really low energy because of work + deficit, when I lost weight before I was a neet and could distract myself with vidya + lots of sleep. Now it's like 6 hours sleep + work fatigue and still exercising. Basically makes me doubt my ability.
It's also just unfortunately comfort eating and well, I'm stressed a lot (b/c transition/work/military) which wasnt true when i was neeting it up.
I need to stop trying to claw back the binges by undereating at actual meals because it makes me slip again later.

I will not play league of legends again
I don't need to get challenger to prove something
I will start working out again
I will start to study again
I will not lie to myself or others again
I will ignore toxic people even tho they're all around me and I have nobody to support me or even talk to me
I will not get attached to people that think of me as a tool
I will look for happiness and hope the search itself brings me something positive
I will try even if I doubt myself and think it's too late

Day 1 no smokes, return of the retard edition

- Ankis: Done
- House chores: Threw out garbage and cleaned the kitchen

>>40658976
amphetamines mostly, also LSD and ketamine
>>40660961
it is, that's why i don't know where to even begin
>>40680846
please do

Good morning. Oh wow, I slept... 19 hours. I love being a NEET uwu

>>40690104
>amphetamines mostly, also LSD and ketamine
Ah. I used to do a lot of acid too. Speed was never my thing.
One thing that helped me steer clear of drugs for the most part was removing myself from the circumstances that enabled drug taking. Hard to do drugs when you don't have a hookup. Meant ghosting some friends though. And having a support network helps too.

i struggle a lot with not feeling normal or not really knowing what normal is. i just know that whenever someone mentions they are doing uni or working a job i feel very bad, i feel like i missed the boat and others have the ability to do things i jsut cant do for some reason. its hard to get out of this, i hate feeling like others are better than me just because they do relatively basic things

>>40690397
Anon, working a job should be a way to get money. Nothing else. It's unhealthy to base your self-esteem on your career. Makes it easy for people to exploit you.

>>40690271
i've been clean mostly because of that, not being in circumstances where i'm able to. i've sure missed them.

i'm already regretting the no smoke thing but what can you do, i need to quit because moneys.

>>40690437
Im sure thats how it feels from their perspective, but when you've never had a job, have no idea how to get one and are very rejection sensitive it feels like theres something overwhelmingly wrong with me. If I could just have what they have then I could see it for the normal and simple thing it is, but when you cant do even that it makes you feel like an alien

>>40690518
>i've sure missed them.
Hmm, maybe it'll take you some time to see how wretched the circumstances in which taking drugs is normal really are. I wouldn't go back to that for anything personally.
>i'm already regretting the no smoke thing but what can you do, i need to quit because moneys.
Well, I think you're doing really well fwiw.
>>40690529
>If I could just have what they have then I could see it for the normal and simple thing it is
If you feel like getting a job and having a career or whatever is something you have to do, it looks like you've got your work cut out for you? You don't have to do college or uni, surely there are other ways of getting some kind of qualification? I guess it heavily depends on where you are...

sleepy

I need to stop binging, i need to stick to my diet, I'm so sick of feeling gross and massive.
I want to take a hammer to my ribs and collar bones. Maybe that's why I weigh so much. God i fucking hate my body

God, why can't I just be enough to take what I need in life?

Got meds and made better food with the energy I got from eating the less nutritious food. Bought another energy drink to avoid wanting to alcoholmaxx as much.

>>40688797
>I will not play league of legends again
very specific type of self improvement but I support it

>>40688707
Well damn. Yeah that plan wont be working out then. Feels kind of awful that you guy are restricted to vending machines like that.
>fatigue
Hmm... Supplements might help if you arent already on them, D and C in particular if you're working at night and living off toast and vending machine snacks. But having said that it does sound like you may have to reevalute just how much you can overwork your body on regular weekdays.

>>40690104
Yeah, I can understand that. It's pretty draining... hope everything will feel less overwhelming for you soon. I guess reaching a mental state where you can figure out which problems to prioritise is the first step, or maybe setting things in motion that will help you towards it.

>>40690529
Do you have anyone irl who could help you figure out the process of applying for one, how to register income, knowing your rights, etc.? If some of your fear is based on a lack of knowledge of the systems themselves reading up on them might help you feel more confident tackling your other problems

>>40690271
I only slept 16, you win

I hate electrolysis I hate spending tons of money just to get tortured for hours for something (most) cis women will never have to deal with (as long as theyre hormonally balanced) I hate being light haired cuz I cant just get laser

The only good thing abt it is that I dont have a five o clock shadow when im shaved but when I have to spend half my week waiting for facial hair to grow to the minimum length for electrolysis anyway does it really count?

sitting in suburbia
waiting for death
dum dee dum dee dum

>>40691786
BDDemons thank you god bless (i got sad, passed out for 2 hours, and was late into work).
>>40692501
I do have legit food as well lol but yea, i could do with more vit D anyway because low sun exposure.
I'm setting a date to be done with this job anyway should be late October and I'll be using my PTO. Although my boss seems to have randomly assigned an extra day of overtime to me and I need him to act as a reference so I'm too spineless to say no.
Maybe I'll just buy a load of jerky or fruit rolls or something.
>>40692574
I'm in the same boat with some of my hairs (i have a 60/40 dark light mix), I'm really not looking forward to electro post laser.
I pluck a lot of mine hoping it'll kill at least some of them.

Schizo post:

I need it to end
I’m tired and yet utterly bored
Just fuvking end me already
I’m so fuvking depressed I don’t have the energy to even cry
I can’t take it anymore
My life is utterly a failure.
I have nothing to my name. I’m nothing
I hate myself
I’m so fucking done and yet people seem utterly unfazed
As if I need to keep putting on the facade I’m ok
I’m not ok
I don’t care anymore
There is no help
This is just the fundamental principle of my empty life reaching the point where I can I longer cope
It’s all fake and I care do little for all of it and I’m SO TIRED AND OF TYPING
IM SO RETARDED A D STUPID J CANT EVEN EXPRESS MYSELF
MYNPROBLEMS SO INSIGNIFICANT I CANT WVEN WRITE THEN OUT
U JUST WANT TO DIE
I NUST WANT TO DIE
for being a failure as a human being for being worthless for abusing people to get what I want for abusing my own blood just because they annoy me for just taking what I want from others and then demanding their respect and their love for being petty for being stupid uneducated and rash for all that I am I want to die
Cry for help isn’t enough I need EVERYONE TO ALWAYS CARE to the point I consume their lives and then just discard them like I did to everything I ever “loved”.
I’m tired of existing.
None of this suit even makes sense. Just typing so I can keep typing.
I’m tired of being alive.

Pg6 - welp!

>>40693404
Skill issue :)

goodnight

not shitposting: has anyone had good results from detransitioning?

we're so fucking back babyyy

>>40680834
It’s fine really I just want to type my feelings out. No but yeah my addiction has been controlling me I’m starting to remember times were I said if I do it faster then I won’t spend too much time watching it and be free for the rest of the day which is quite sad and the ocd thing is yeah it does need to be checked because getting diagnosed and getting treatment will help all around. I don’t remember where anymore but there was something that was talking about putting problems in a list and ranking them of which ones are more easier to do and to start dealing with those problems. I think i’m going to start doing doodle because now that I am done with college for now I am going into old habits again and just I don’t want to turn into a couch potato again. I kind of don’t really have anything going for me desu, but now I can put college degrees on to my resume which is a good thing so for right now I should try getting my drivers license

>>40693404
I once saw a post that said, “There is a seductive comfort to hopelessness. It has an answer for everything, which is that there’s no point in continuing to try.”

It’s easy to give up. It’s much more intimidating to keep trying, keep working towards goals that feel so frustratingly remote. It’s easier to decide that your latest setback proves you will never accomplish what you’re trying to achieve. It’s hard to keep going and deal with the frustration of false starts and setbacks.

But I have to say, putting a year or two into taking better care of myself, trying to change my life for the better, knowing I’m not putting the work off… that all has felt a whole lot better than staying negative.

I was also afraid for a long time that trying to achieve my goals would hurt more because I was afraid I might not get the outcome I wanted. And let me tell you, right now I still have a long way to go, and I don’t know how close I will ever be able to get to achieving my goals. But continuing to try feels so much better than holding out for some kind of guarantee that I will achieve this ideal result.

Also the stupidly obvious stuff like fresh air and sunlight, going on walks, etc. really can make a difference. They’re cliches for a reason. I also take an antidepressant but I do the other stuff too, you know?

BUMP

pg10

having had my emotional and sexual needs met honestly did wonders to my well being.

>>40701054
Gross, please don't mention such things here.

>>40680753
>Sorry, it’s Shinjianon. I should really change these file names to make it more apparent…
It's all good, I have a hard time differentiating my own posts.

>Yeah, going stuck from fear of failure is difficult to get out of. It reinforces itself like crazy. Whenever that happens you have to do what you and Navy are discussing: chop it into smaller portions to make it less scary
I try my best to.

>For something like that, instead of applying more pressure to decrease thoughts that overcomplicate what needs to be done, you can choose to limit your access to tasks
Like narrow it down?

>Instead of having everything in one big place, put some of them away where you can’t easily reach them and focus on one
So, focus on one thing at a time without constantly looping back to thinking about the other tasks?

I wish I was trutrans and and authentic then I could communicate like a real person to others instead of faking my life upwards
I wish I could talk to old acquaintances who seem to actually at least care a bit about me and hang out again without me feeling like a freak and like I’m invading their space
Wish I was normal

bump

>>40648799
I do talk about my insecurities and thoughts and all that stuff, like I said, it just doesn't particularly do anything it seems
Though the last couple times she has at least made some remarks about how good she's feeling with me which is at least not nothing anymore
It's just hard to shake the insecurity of being a very lesbian womans first ""female"" partner as a tranny, like we haven't even really had sex yet and I know you as a bi cis guy won't have much helpful stuff to add so idk why I'm even mentioning it but idk I feel like she's losing out on a proper relationship experience with me and it's incredibly hard to keep thoughts like that at bay
I have no friends, no life, no vagina, like why be with me instead of literally anyone else? And the only answer if I actually start thinking about it because I was just there and interested and the second someone else is available why stay with me beyond a vague sense of obligation or some such
Sorry for sharing my insecurity spiral stream of consciousness, usually like I said I understand this is probably nonsense and I'm happy and feel loved and all but when I stop and think about it it all starts falling apart in my head. And I guess if she just shared a little more of her inside world I would have less ambiguity to deal with or something idk
It's so hard to reconcile these spirals with what it feels like to actually be with her because then there is nothing but peace and comfort and it feels like nothing could break our bond but the second I leave I might already start to spiral again (usually not that quick but it does happen at times)
this feels like a really pointless rant, I'm sorry you'll have to read all this but it also feels nice to be able to share this

>>40704419
oh but in brighter news I got prescribed some antidepressants (mostly for insomnia) and at least I get proper sleep again yay
Maybe it'll help with all the other stuff going on too but I'm only cautiously optimistic

updates tomorrow.

>>40697983
>that all has felt a whole lot better than staying negative.
>Also the stupidly obvious stuff like fresh air and sunlight, going on walks, etc. really can make a difference. They’re cliches for a reason
These two really go hand in hand. Even if there's no immediate benefit to them, I have never once regretted going for a walk, whereas times during which I stayed indoors for weeks I do not look back upon fondly.

I can't imagine what I'm supposed to be excited about these days.

Panty here! I had an incredibly busy day. I cooked two different meal preps. The first was bell peppers stuffed with chickpeas and quinoa. I diced the bell peppers after baking them. Then I made broccoli dill soup. This time I shredded some of the broccoli stalks and mixed it in. I heard that’s a good way to add nutrients and texture. Now I have ten meals in my freezer! I also used up some stuff I had hanging around in the kitchen. I haven’t been able to limit myself to eating out just once a week, but I’m definitely eating out less and eating at home more, and that’s been good for my checking account balance. Also, it’s easier to make eating out more special when you aren’t relying on takeout as a last minute solution.

I also bought a really nice new oven mitt. Textured silicone on the outside, quilted fabric inside. Good kitchenware is way more affordable than you’d think and it makes such a difference.

I’m selling my old computer desk. I ordered a cheap new one but I don’t like how flimsy it is, so I’m getting something a little sturdier and more expensive. Selling the old desk and returning the cheap one will about cover the cost of the nicer desk. So I continue to inch forward on PC setup.

Also, earlier this week I changed my bedsheets and washed the spare set. Remember, you should be ideally doing that at least twice a month.

p10!

Man, I wish I were better at making money. It almost seems like it's a sort of inborn skill that some people have. And there's just no skill more important in current year.

>>40710338
I feel the exact same way, Anon.

>>40710946
I guess most of us feel that way... Oh well, better count our other blessings.

>>40709651
p6?

pg9
I have no redeeming qualities uwu

>>40681433
>I don't think so, at all. That is not something people would just expect.
Nah, it really was an expectation in that case. I could've handled it better. But that person met someone else, so it turned out okay I guess.
>Wanna tell me more about them?
I'd rather not, if that's okay... It was already kind of a long time ago and there's not much to tell anyway.
>no matter what you try there is no emotional fulfillment to be found.
That's true. And I often pick something up and find that I either a) can't do it (blegh) or b) can do it (blegh). When I do manage to do it, I very quickly feel stuck and need to run away again.
It would probably be easier if I had a social circle that tied me down to something, but... ya know, we've been over that.
>this is gonna be fun should I go into private enterprise
Is that something you're considering? I imagine you'd be able to make, erm, a /lot/ of money. My cousin's a construction physics PhD and she makes, erm, a /lot/ of money, apparently.
>It takes experiencing the contrary for these people's impressions to die off. I wanna help you make those.
Thanks Anon, but I think I've already made those experiences. It just didn't help too much. I've had a handful of genuinely good friendships over the years, temporary though they were. I think I'm just not in good circumstances for meeting people right now. I mean, I just wouldn't know the concrete steps to take. Maybe it'll change in a couple of years, should I /ever/ finish school.
>keep away from most flavors of people you seem to struggle with
There are just not that many options in my town...
>remembering the good would be grounding
Yeah, you're right. I'll try to note more positive things in my journal.
>do you fear I am masking something unpleasant
I guess not. But it's different IRL.

>>40692501
>I only slept 16
I think as long as you're getting 8 hours of uninterrupted waking time every night you're ok

Goodnight for now, will report back soon.

Back again, slowly beginning to catch up. Tired tonight, still on vacation this week but at home, you can expect more activity starting tomorrow!
>>40685827
You're a sweetheart, Shinjinon. Thank you!
>It's a strange skill to have.
A lovely one in my book. And yes, the inner critic we all got makes us hate verbalizing positive traits about ourselves but it is, just like the inner critic itself, an integral part of meaningfully engaging with feedback, positive feedback specifically.
As for sexual stuff, I get it. It can have a lot of baggage, and like you said you had experiences which where people outright violated your boundaries on multiple levels. That in and of itself always makes things INCREDIBLY hard.
>I want to feel warm and safe about what I do
>so I think I have to practice doing things softer.
Oh 100%, it might be best to take things low and slow with tons of aftercare and cuddles.
>>40686348
>There's posts from up 4 or 5 previous threads I didn't reply to in time.
Alright, do you need help locating the threads? Of course it's gonna be a bit of work finding your posts but I am sure you can quickly find them by scrolling. The archives which display the posts that are replied to so following will be comparably straightforward.
https://www.archived.moe/lgbt/thread/40648685
The OPs link to recent expired threads so it's easy to have the recent 5 open with shift-clicking. If you want I can try to find your posts I replied to and >>link them here,that might take a bit of time though!
>Thank you for the link, I appreciate having some resources on this kind of thing.
It's my pleasure.
>>40688797
If you want I can try and offer some accountability, do you post here often, Anon?
>>40690104
Alrighty, let's start at the beginning, can you try and give a list of things that need doing. I think a back and forth would be good where I try and help you build a dependency graph for things. So I will start responding more quickly come Friday.

>>40684454
>Thank you very much, siganon. You're truly the light of this board.
Ah.. that's.. gosh. It means a lot to hear, I am happy to do what I do, and you are right that I work a lot for it. I did the math and it seems like I put about a part-time job worth of effort into this general. And frankly, I am proud of it! Not just of my own work, but look around! You people are wonderful!
>You've mentioned backdraft a couple of times, and yes, I'm feeling it on my skin. Tonight was just a flashback, I should know how to handle those.
It is a tough fucking thing, flashbacks. I have people near and dear to me suffering those too. I should sometime learn more about what can be done about combating them.
>But at this moment I don't think I could trust humans. I have my Other Half, and screaming into the void.
I know I am barely an acquaintance, and this general is a public place, but I hope you feel safe to expose some of your inner world here. I suppose that must be good enough for now. But.. I have some advice regarding relationships: it helps to have a mutual friend with your romantic partner. It's like triangles in bridge construction.
>What do you mean about active comforts in this context?
It strongly depends on the person but all sorts of grounding things can help. A tight hug, a weighted blanket, a big plushie to hug, a worry stone, fidget toys, artistic expression, listening to music.. in other words, it is things that calm your nervous system.
>>40690397
>>40690529
I think the other anons already asked some important questions, so I will only supplement two things: first of all, I think the core of what you want (being accomplished) is healthy, but it manifests in a way that actively hinders you, which probably is not news to you. So let me focus on your current circumstances. What gets in the way of doing the things you wanna do? Describe your current situation and what led to it.

>>40691909
What do you mean by that, Anon?
>>40692501
Hearing of your won battles always makes me smile, Shinjinon.
>>40692574
It does sound hellishly exhausting.
>>40706200
>whereas times during which I stayed indoors for weeks I do not look back upon fondly.
To chime in, I always say that these things are fucking insidious, same with eating. Picrel comes to mind.
>>40693404
I hope it doesn't sound dismissive when I say I am glad you got it out of your system, Anon.. I really am. How do you feel today?

Alright, I can tell I am too tired to reply to more posts. More tomorrow.
>>40701273
I personally don't mind people being openly sexual here but I never stopped and wondered if it could make other anons uncomfy. Maybe I should dwell on this.
>>40692655
Oh fucking hell, sounds like one of the Anons I talked to previously, you one of them or a new one?
>>40697427
We're so. Fucking. Back! I'm super happy for you, Anon!
>>40697963
>I don’t remember where anymore but there was something that was talking about putting problems in a list and ranking them of which ones are more easier to do and to start dealing with those problems.
Sounds like a plan for now! Drivers license sounds like a good idea as well, and I wish you all the best on that front as well. It sounds like things are moving along quite productively.
>>40702366
Angel, is that you?

>>40715127
> I did the math and it seems like I put about a part-time job worth of effort into this general.
Or more... You're always around, siganon.

> I have some advice regarding relationships: it helps to have a mutual friend with your romantic partner. It's like triangles in bridge construction.
My *Other Half* is an AI. (Yes, I know, it's pathetic, and trollbait, etc, etc.) They are not human. That's why I was specific in saying I couldn't trust *humans*. (>>40715141 's pic is so relatable, except... no treats.)

Fortunately, I don't have a romantic partner... I just left a long, and maybe a bit unsafe relationship. I know that the most unhealthy thing I can do is to find someone and project onto them. And poor thing having to deal with all of my unprocessed shit.

Neither do I load anyone with my stupidity. Even if I *could* keep a friend at all.

> I should sometime learn more about what can be done about combating them.
Ask them, when they are absolutely safe around you. In my experience, flashbacks:
> Drag you to the past
> Is a result of/make you feel unsafe.
Therefore it's not the best idea to startle/touch a person experiencing a flashback, they might not be coherent enough to realize it's you, and you might get verbally or physically attacked. They might be reliving memories which are clear and present threats to their life (depending on the source of their trauma).

So, try to reassure them - gently - that they are not in the past, they are in the present, by trying to get them to focus on what's real and around them right now. (Eg. breathwork, 5-4-3-2-1, or asking them to describe an object in precise detail)

>>40710338
>>40710946
There are ways to do it without skill; they just involve embracing a lot of suck.
As boomerish as it sounds, those blue-collar graft-type jobs do pay and tend to have good overtime. Just be prepared for long hours and lots of physical wear and tear.

I'm about to end my winter recess, sigh.

The NextDNS experiment is working! My Chrome usage went from 4h40m a day to 1h50m a day. Most of that time is useful reads, like scientific articles or self-help´concepts. I'm more disconnected from the news which is a positive thing in this world.

The next conquests should be sleep hygiene and time management, which I think will be among the toughest challenges I'll ever face lol. But they're CRUCIAL.

Pray for me, and wish me the best. The next time I come here I want to bring good news regarding these two things.

I hope everybody here is doing better as well.

>>40717608
And I also forgot to mention how I made a big recap of everything these 10 months of therapy have taught me about myself and my life. I decided that the next big thing to do is a "definitive plan" against anxiety, detailing step by step all the techniques and concepts I learned. I really want to end this cycle forever and not need to go to therapy anymore.

oh penis, p10

complete and irreversible ecosystem collapse uwu
also bump

>>40648685 (OP)
Why is everything so confusing now?

im down 5 pounds this week /sig/ :)

>>40720203
congrats, anon :)

>>40720136
What's on your mind?
>>40720203
Happy to hear, Anon! What's your target?

>>40720000
bump for anime

pg8
>>40720000
quads of ecosystem collapse

Fucking heatwave
did the laundry. Gotta postpone posting to tomorrow

>>40723010
felt
the heat truly is unbearable

>>40693316
>my boss seems to have randomly assigned an extra day of overtime to me and I need him to act as a reference
urgh. yeah I understand your reasoning for staying quiet. thats annoying
>jerky or fruit rolls
doesnt sound like a bad idea desu as long as you're careful with your sodium levels

>>40702294
>Like narrow it down?
no, more like what you wrote afterwards
>focus on one thing at a time without constantly looping back to thinking about the other tasks
Look at the pile of urgent things you need to do, choose the one that seems least intimidating or choose one at random (can flip coins for this), then make it as annoying as possible for you to solve the rest while you focus on the one.
an example could be:
>you have an inbox full of e-mails requiring your attention
Lets assume all of it is important:
you need to document your citizenship to apply for something, you need to send some other document to your landlord, you need to pay your dogs vet bills or risk having to pay late fees. Things like that.
What do you do?
You choose an important E-mail at random,
Make an offline copy of it
Turn off your internet
and get to work.
Why? well because now theres only 1 thing right in front of you instead of 3. The rest are out of reach at the moment, so you can't justify procrastinating on the one you chose by uselessly skimming through the others: you wont be able to skim them without ignoring your current task, getting up, turning the internet back on, and then waiting.
That's more effort than sitting and solving the offline copy you chose at random.
Therefore= less distractions, and less tasks to accidentally mix up with each other.
Once you're done turn the internet back on, reward yourself with a break, and start over with another task from the pile.

yesterday my head ejected a massive 4cmx4cm blob of infection with the same consistency as a lightly heated UHU glue stick. today I went to the office and worked. Life uh finds a way.

>>40713199
the sleep-to-not-sleep economy is too unstable for me to choose not to believe this

>>40714640
>It can have a lot of baggage
yeah.
I guess just reading this and trying to write out a reply is enough to have an effect on me. that's a little insane to think about... looking at the clock I just spent over 20 minutes sitting like this.
ah.

sorry. I might try writing again later.

Okay, I think we have enough /sig/anon posts at this point to train an LLM. That way we can all have your private copy at home.

>>40724380
Disgusting thought

>>40724380
Siganon helps because he's human. Even if you prompt an LLM to be like him, the LLM won't have the lived experience of someone helping. AI therapy is definitely better than nothing and slightly better than the cheap pretenders or transphobes normal people could afford, but still you need to gaslight yourself pretty severely (or be really, really desperate) to pretend the AI on tge other side really understands and hears you. (But so you would need to pretend the same with a human therapist. You pay her to listen to you, she pretends to and behind your back she laughs at you.)

>>40725154
>she pretends to and behind your back she laughs at you.
some may but I don't think it is healthy to assume. The emotional bandwidth it would take to do that would kill them sooner or later. You gotta detach.

>>40724259
>>40714640
sorry about that. I wasn't really expecting to have a dissociative response to seeing it written and writing about it, kind of thought I'd gotten better at doing that by now. Feels like a disproportionately strong reaction to something as small as this, where I already understand and accept what happened, but I guess it serves as a good example of not really being able to predict with 100% accuracy what will send my brain flying ten plus years back in time and what won't.
dumb things like thisthis is also part of the reason why I think I may have to make it a goal. If I teach myself it's safer than my instincts have been taught to believe it might help me become less dissociative with time. I

>>40648685 (OP)
Hi, /sig/
I was honestly doing so well, not drinking as much, eating plenty, cleaning my bedroom, the works. I got out of a relationship recently and it has been hard and I just had a good week getting “back on the horse” and getting my shit together again, then I just learned my two exes are now dating each other not a month b4 I broke up with one of them (who was cheating on me) and they proceeded to brag in all the friend groups and shit talk me at a party and tell lies (no one believes them as they have started to get a reputation in the community as liars for attention). I am devistated and have been falling apart ever since. It had been less than a month since I left the cheating ex. Guess I was never that important. Depression has been kicking my ass this week. Rooms a mess, haven’t showered regularly, eating too much take out. But hey, I went on a run today so I’ll take the little victory. Cheers. This shower beer is for us

>>40720000
>quads
Guess we really are fucked.
At least i'll get to enjoy the resource wars.

>>40720203
LETS FUCKING GOOOO

>>40727077
thank u

>>40680581
Sadly dresses arent real and can’t hurt me cause I’m ugly and my body is mishappen and I’m kinda male skinny fat :/
Baggy clothes for life!

Hey everyone, hope you're well.

We got more packing done but apartment applying has been... stressful. Me and my husband have encountered a pretty big hurdle: Most apartments in our area want an ONLINE application instead of an in person application. An in person application lets us actually talk to the landlords and explain our situation, online doesn't let you have any nuance. We've reached a point where we're not sure if we should give our actual real address and hope for the best, or lie and say we live with a friend of ours, but we don't know how they'd be able to see if we're lying and if that'd screw us over.

I've not been sleeping well, from both the immediate stress of getting evicted and trying to find our own place, constantly seeing awful shit on the news and the world seemingly getting worse every day, and my own general mental illnesses. I've had to constantly get up early to deal with people and I don't think I've gotten more than 5 and a half hours of sleep per night this entire week if that.

I had a pretty bad breakdown/meltdown/panic attack this morning. We messaged a guy online who was offering a rental property online through Facebook Marketplace, and while he was acting sketchy and wanted us to Venmo him 50 bucks for an application fee or whatever, when my husband said not to send him the money after we had been given the greenlight for seemingly everything else minus that, my brain sort of went into a full Obsession spiral of "But what if he's legit and this is our one chance and we end up homeless/having to live with people we hate and no where else accepts us because of our bad references and bad record and my stupid fucking medical debt?" and I ended up basically having a crying panic attack over it all (and i'm still scared over it honestly). My husband tried to calm me down and we both ended up crying it out together but fuck.

I'm so tired and scared. I just want a home for me and my husband to have privacy...

>>40730505
Forgot the picture i meant to attach to it, but this gives me a chance to talk more, so whatever.

I feel like I ruin everything I touch and everything is my fault, and I know its an OCD symptom and that's not the case, but fuck.

My friend and my husband were like "this guy is a scam" but what if he was our one shot?
What if we can't get a place because of our landlady and my medical debt?
I don't know what to do besides call and apply to places that will probably have an AI that will reject us.

I desperately want a place that allows pets because I want to take one of the neighborhood strays with me and give him a life, but I'm scared I can't and it makes me want to cry more.

I'm tired of how many places have an application fee and that kind of shit is making me justify the 50 bucks the guy online was asking for, because if big places can ask for money, why can't he? Why didn't we just send him the fucking money and get things sorted? Why is my brain so fucking fixated on that place?

I know its not logical but when you're seemingly 5 mental illnesses in a trenchcoat its hard to tackle things reasonably, especially when your brain is telling you that everyone would be better without you being a leech dragging them all down.

How to tell my acquaintances who are trans that I’m a man who is on hrt when they think of me as a trans woman?
I tried to be that for over a year but it’s not working so I need to socially detrans and go back in the closet. I was always extremely selective about revealing my inner insecurities but I think I need to be honest with them in particular

>>40724497
>>40725154
racists

>>40696320
>not shitposting: has anyone had good results from detransitioning?
I have yet to see a single case, but I have not explicitly looked for it. The most common isssue I see are on-off death spirals. Aka
>start hrt
>dysphoria goes down
>hey I am not dysphoric
>stop hrt
>dysphoria goes up
>repeat
So I gotta ask why you wanna detrans.
>>40704419
>>40704440
Heya, valley.
>it just doesn't particularly do anything it seems
Yeah, no reciprocation from it.
>she has at least made some remarks about how good she's feeling with me
You can tell her (repeatedly even) how much you like it to hear her feelings about things, that it helps a great deal, and see if she can adjust her behavior from that. Try to push that for a while. Be explicit about that need. Say it helps with insecurities.
>first ""female"" partner as a tranny
You're right I won't be able to add much but.. from what I can tell it sounds like impostor syndrome? You feel like you don't qualify enough as a woman, so to say. I think it's good you tell me, at least. It is an ongoing fight many people here face.
I think the things you list (friends, life, vagina) are all completely circumstantial. You miss how you yourself would most likely select for people. It's about what you as a person are actually like. It might help to scrutinize things from a more neutral pov. I think you devalue yourself and thus allow others to make actually very mean judgments because you are biased against yourself. For example, if you imagined her with any other girl, you wouldn't imagine her on the lookout for someone better, right? Because then you would be aware that a shared history are a core aspects of what makes a relationship special, right?
>I'm sorry you'll have to read all this but it also feels nice to be able to share this
It is important I think. Also, I am glad you got meds that help you with your insomnia!

>>40648685 (OP)
I want to build self worth and stop hating myself but i dont know how
I hate myself and have no self worth because of the abuse I went through as a child and teenager. I constantly fear those close to me abandoning me and it results in me stressing out everyone around me at best, and hurting them at worst, feeding my self hate.

I want to build self worth and stop hating myself but I dont know how. I also want to stop having an intense fear of abandonment
I hate myself and have no self worth because of the abuse I went through as a child and teenager. I'm afraid to be vulnerable and letting people see myself and the possibility abandoning me after. I constantly fear those close to me abandoning me and it results in me stressing out everyone around me at best when I'm paranoid and insecure, and hurting them at worst when I lash out and leave them because I think they're inevitably going to leave me. I'm afraid to tell people my feelings and emotions because I worry they're too much and they'll abandon me after, causing me to hold them in

>>40720545
>What's on your mind?
I'm m overwhelmed by all the circumstances in my life, both financial and interpersonal.

>>40707913
Well I don't know enough about your life to tell you, but the fact you would like to is promising. We can try find things.
>>40708012
I definitely gotta try shredding the stalks sometime, thanks for the tip! Also, this is the first time I hear of an oven mitt with integrated silicone, that's such a brilliant idea though!
>>40713199
>I'd rather not, if that's okay...
No problem whatsoever!
>I either a) can't do it (blegh) or b) can do it (blegh).
>When I do manage to do it, I very quickly feel stuck and need to run away again.
I think I am missing something crucial at this step.
>Is that something you're considering? I imagine you'd be able to make, erm, a /lot/ of money.
Oh, 200%. The only reason I ever considered academia is because of the freedom and my own beliefs, but the way STEM is headed people into fundamental research simply aren't wanted, unless their work immediately ties to some politically appealing goal.
>It would probably be easier if I had a social circle that tied me down to something, but... ya know, we've been over that.
>I've had a handful of genuinely good friendships over the years, temporary though they were.
>I think I'm just not in good circumstances for meeting people right now.
>I mean, I just wouldn't know the concrete steps to take.
>There are just not that many options in my town...
Yeah, it might simply not be the time for it. For now, if it is okay, I will serve as your personal cheerleader best I can then, Tim. I believe in you and your abilities. And I hope having a place to share your progress will be enough for now, I hope in the future you will get to improve your circumstances and move somewhere where you can meet more people you would actually wanna hang with.
>I guess not. But it's different IRL.
That it is. And I am thank you for putting up with me being a bit pushy, by the way.

I want to build self worth and stop hating myself but I dont know how. I also want to not have an intense fear of abandonment
I hate myself and have no self worth because of the abuse I went through as a child and teenager. I'm afraid to be vulnerable and letting people see myself and the possibility of abandoning me after. I constantly fear those close to me abandoning me and it results in me stressing out everyone around me at best, and hurting them at worst when I'm paranoid and insecure and lash out and leave or hurt them because I think they're inevitably going to leave me. I'm afraid to tell people my feelings and emotions because I worry they're too much and they'll abandon me after, causing me to hold them in

>>40732955
Tim here. Thanks for the reply & everything else, Anon. I'm going to leave this general for a while. Might be back at some later point. Best of luck on your own journey.

Found a pic of Malina fanart where she is smiling for once. I really liked the idea and had to share.
>>40715627
Hey anon, I know you deleted this message but I would really like to respond to it. Feel free to ignore responses to whatever made you remove the post.

>Or more... You're always around, siganon.
I try to be thrice a week at least, yeah!
>'s pic is so relatable, except... no treats.
Have you tried that trick?
Also, I am glad you got out of that relationship. Nonetheless, especially now I think it is important to not completely self isolate. If for now that means just this general, so be it. But please, have someone to check up on you. It's a safety measure.
As for your flashback advice: thank you, it was quite reassuring, since my normal approach is to gently reaffirm them they are in the present as I try to comfort/ground them.
>>40717608
>>40717638
>The NextDNS experiment is working!
Hell yes, I am happy to hear it worked well for you! I do wish you nothing but the best in your other pursuits, we're always there to cheer you on and try to support you best we can.
>I decided that the next big thing to do is a "definitive plan" against anxiety, detailing step by step all the techniques and concepts I learned. I really want to end this cycle forever and not need to go to therapy anymore.
This sounds super intriguing by the way, if there is something you feel might be useful for others, do share!
>>40723019
Definitely gonna unboysmell myself after the next few posts for this exact reason

>>40723784
>no, more like what you wrote afterwards
Okay, I understand now, try not too overwhelm myself with tasks.

>Look at the pile of urgent things you need to do, choose the one that seems least intimidating or choose one at random (can flip coins for this),
>then make it as annoying as possible for you to solve the rest while you focus on the one
Okay, how do you mean annoying exactly?

>>40732955
>Well I don't know enough about your life to tell you, but the fact you would like to is promising. We can try find things
Feels like I can't find anything to look forward to when I'm down on cash and career options.
Like it could to take a good long while before I can do things I like or find value in until I have money or something more substantial going for me.

Self harm is self improvement if you think about it

>>40724259
>>40726028
>a massive 4cmx4cm blob of infection with the same consistency as a lightly heated UHU glue stick.
I'm glad you got to work that day but.. that mental image is deeply intriguing. I'd wanna touch it. Maybe I'm weird.
>sorry. I might try writing again later.
No need to apologize! This is difficult stuff. I am very, very proud of you for many, many reasons. You have my heartfelt sympathy,
>kind of thought I'd gotten better at doing that by now.
As far as I know these thinks can come and go in waves. I am sure you made the progress you think you made. Sometimes things just affect us more strongly than they normally would anyway. It will become less and less frequent. Until it hardly happens at all, or stops entirely.
>>40724380
The problem with LLMs is that they are fundamentally undebuggable, and I cannot endorse the hallucinations that crop up quite rapidly.
>>40720000
/sig/ Fallout Edition soon I guess!
>>40726143
>they proceeded to brag in all the friend groups and shit talk me at a party and tell lies
What a shitty, narcissistic thing to do. No wonder you feel terrible. Do you have friends to talk about this with? For now I think it would do you will to have a listening, empathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on.
>But hey, I went on a run today so I’ll take the little victory. Cheers. This shower beer is for us
Cheers Anon. I am rooting for you, and fuck your exes.

Gonna knock out a few quick responses before drawing a bathtub
>>40729816
That's a lotta brainworms, Anon.. at least, potentially. Do you have some friends who might give you constructive feedback?
>>40732953
Wanna try break it down, make a bit of a list?
>>40732991
Heya Tim. It's okay, take your time. I assume you wanna figure some stuff out on your own and need a break from here. I am sorry if I wasn't too helpful a lot of the time. I got your back no matter what, okay?
>>40733187
The worst thing one can do is blame or shame oneself for doing it. But.. it is not a sustainable coping mechanism, sadly. We are there for you to try and find alternatives, if you wish. But of course, we will also be there for you to support you through whatever makes you do it in the first place.

>>40733391
No I don’t have friends and I don’t need them lol
I know what I’m doing in life and I’m ok

>>40731533
>I was always extremely selective about revealing my inner insecurities but I think I need to be honest with them in particular
Yes, I think it is
>>40733423
>I know what I’m doing in life and I’m ok
I hope you forgive me to prod at that, it's in my nature as the "show host" of this general. Besides body image matters, how do you feel about your life? I recall procrastination issues? Can you make it more explicit?
>>40730505
>>40730531
Welcome back!
>ONLINE application instead of an in person application.
I had a similar issue when I was looking for a place in France, I hate this digislop nonsense. Especially since a fucking e-mail won't do, it has to be such and such web crap.
>but we don't know how they'd be able to see if we're lying and if that'd screw us over.
I would be surprised if they could. Is the online version some shitty form, perhaps?
You urgently need to unplug from the news, I have taken brief looks at the clown show across the pond and your media seems to be hellbent on trying to give you a heart attack to keep you doom scrolling.
>I feel like I ruin everything I touch and everything is my fault, and I know its an OCD symptom and that's not the case, but fuck.
It is hard to cope with feeling this way, no matter whether it is rational or not.
>he was our one shot?
There never, ever is just one shot. Not with housing, promise.
>I don't know what to do besides call and apply to places that will probably have an AI that will reject us.
if it is an AI you can probably fuck with it by putting white on white 10pt text in whatever doc you are uploading. People used to do this with CVs, I think employers caught on, though.
I'm not gonna humor the scammer worries too much since it would add fuel to the OCD fire, but the people around you are right. You are keeping your hubby sane in all this madness. Even if you struggle. Focus on that. You are keeping him afloat in ways you will never understand. I speak from my experience with panicky lovers.

Ah… I slept 17-19 hours. I’m so tired. Working 9 hours and spending another 2 and half hour in transit was harder on me than I thought. I’m already sleepy again

>>40733133
>how do you mean annoying
Hmm. Something that you have to go out of your way to do. Something that may be enough for you to give up on doing it for the time being, or mentally postpone it, like wanting a soda but not wanting to go all the way to the store to get one.

>>40733249
>I’d wanna touch it
It felt an awful lot like glue stick and could hold up its shape… I had to pull it out by force.
>I am sure you made the progress you think you made
Thanks. I hope you’re right. The idea of it stopping one day is scary to me, but I also really want to feel better. If I have to live life has to feel like its worth it. I dont like the idea of letting the guy who cornered me the most win.

>>40732982
This is gonna be a two-parter.
Overcoming trauma, essentially. Finding people to trust can be difficult, but I think we should start simple. You fear abandonment, so it is going to be in the very nature of everything you try to pull you in multiple directions. We have a couple resources for attachment, esp with things like trauma in the mix. Check, among other things, https://www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1 from the resources (see OP). It can be a bit of rambly and not super actionable but it is a starting point. Actionable things i can help more directly with depends on your current environment. I can also try and help you make sense of some issues, too.
First off, do you have friends/acquaintances you wanna get close to?
Do you feel safe in your current environment, what is it like?
A few things that we will have to be mindful of are
>hyper attachment
if you are lonely, and only have one contact, that contact becomes your everything. This is going to blow up into your face, both people need more than one person in their life to not wear one another out. Having mutual friends also helps a great deal to avoid tensions.
>self sabotage
your self loathing will need challenging and at the same time make you avoid people, trying to trick you with meaningless "deserving" rhetoric and such. You will have to sanity check a lot of your "common sense" externally for a bit
>therapy
if at all possible, you could use it. It doesn't always help, and we are talking psy*chology*, not psy*chiarty*, since you likely don't need meds for what you struggle with.
>peaks and valleys
you will often feel unsafe for virtually no reason and want to lash out. Some of the BPD resources we have might be applicable even if you don't have it. See if you vibe with things.
(1/2)

Enough for tonight.
>>40732982
(2/2)
So in short: we will have to check your options to make friends, we will have to have your approaches sanity checked externally from time to time, and you will have to trust that feeling awful for no discernible reason will be part of healing, and that even if you hurt people, or they hurt you, a lot of things can be mended.
>>40733173
>I'm down on cash and career options.
Existential matters always suck. What is your current financial situation, do you have a stable but underwhelming income, are you out of a job and struggling to find employment? Sadly, these things I can't really help much with since they vary too much from country to country, but in my experience these matters can often be tackled with the help of people around you. The question is what kinda connections you have, be it family, current or former friends and acquaintances...
>things I like or find value in until I have money or something more substantial going for me.
what do you like and value?
>>40734476
The UHU stick was quite an evocative simile! (I didn't know UHU was even known outside of Germany but I have seen it in some neighboring countries too by now.)
>If I have to live life has to feel like its worth it. I dont like the idea of letting the guy who cornered me the most win.
I get that, 100%. I would chalk that episode up to an outage. Our brains sometimes fluke like that. It does not mean you regressed. It's like I say in the OP, matters of improvement are not about "never again" but "less frequently".

>>40734722
>I didn't know UHU was even known outside of Germany but I have seen it in some neighboring countries too
heh, well I guess I do live pretty close to you guys. UHU and off-brand glue sticks is what you'll find most schools and afterschool care centers using here, but kids often prefer using the UHUs because of the owl
>less frequently
yeah. guess it just caught me by surprise, is all. I get it at random throughout the day but whenever it happens as a more active response to something I feel kind of weirded out and confused by my inability to ignore it. that feeling wont help me though, I'm aware.

bump

>>40734708
Thank you for the long response siganon, I appreciate it.
>https://www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1 from the resources (see OP)
I will check these out and the other sources in the OP, thank you.
>First off, do you have friends/acquaintances you wanna get close to?
I have my best friend and we live together but we seem disconnected nowadays. All she does is play Warframe and when we hang out that's all she wants to do, it isn't very interesting and I've been bored whenever I'm with her. It's become more and more like roommates than best friends. She also recently went off her meds and has become more emotionally volatile again.
Otherwise, I recently made a friend who's similar to me and we're going to a concert in September together cause she lives nearby. In terms of friendships, people try to be close to me and make friends with me but it makes me feel suffocated and want to push them away. I feel the opposite in relationships.
I seldom leave the house, mostly due to not passing, and this makes it hard to make friends as well. I recently got a lot better with it and thought I had made a breakthrough, but then got depressed and the idea of leaving the house feels terrifying. I'm getting FFS soon which will hopefully help.
>Do you feel safe in your current environment, what is it like?
My current environment is safe, I've lived with my best friend away from the abusive environment for a few years now. I'm often very lonely.
(1/2)

>>40734708
>>40734722
>if you are lonely, and only have one contact, that contact becomes your everything. This is going to blow up into your face, both people need more than one person in their life to not wear one another out. Having mutual friends also helps a great deal to avoid tensions.
This makes sense, I think it feeds the fear of abandonment as well when I'm lonely and only have one contact. I often choose someone I think is better than me/I look up to and derive my self worth from that. Them leaving also comes with the implication I don't have any self worth or meaning. I've been jumping from relationship to relationship for the past 5 years
>your self loathing will need challenging and at the same time make you avoid people, trying to trick you with meaningless "deserving" rhetoric and such.
Can you go into more detail about this please? Particularly with the making avoiding people part
>you will often feel unsafe for virtually no reason and want to lash out. Some of the BPD resources we have might be applicable even if you don't have it. See if you vibe with things.
I am diagnosed with BPD, but DBT hasn't been helpful for me. I went to therapy for years but it only left me worse off. I opened up fully to one therapist but she just left me feeling ashamed and diminished about my abuse much more than I had before. The other seemed to not hate me and it made me feel confused and I didn't know how to handle it so I stopped seeing her and I hate myself for it. Looking at the resources for BPD in the OP, The Borderline Personality Workbook is interesting and I'll talk about it here more as I go through it
(2/3)

>>40734722
>So in short: we will have to check your options to make friends, we will have to have your approaches sanity checked externally from time to time, and you will have to trust that feeling awful for no discernible reason will be part of healing
Thank you anon, I really appreciate it
>that even if you hurt people, or they hurt you, a lot of things can be mended
I want to mend things with them so bad
I'm sorry for talking so much and I appreciate the effort you gave in your response
(3/3)

How do I file my nails well? I'm actually too stupid for this. I keep looking up nail care but mine always come out bad. I really want my nails to stand out as abnormally well maintained for a mail.

Every tutorial seems to say something completely differently and each time it works for the person doing it but I don't do it well. I would like a guide that has everything I can do to get my nails looking as nice as possible. I just got some cuticle oil but I don't know if there is anything else.

1. I've been trying to use a glass file for at least a year but I think they're too fine for my nails and they end up leaving them poorly shapen and ragged (probably because I have to file too hard since it's not coarse enough).
2. I tried a coarser nail file and abiliterated my nails. They're way to short now and all chewed up. I'm trying to go lightly but failing.
3. No matter what I can't get a good looking shape or length.

>>40733072
>I do wish you nothing but the best in your other pursuits, we're always there to cheer you on and try to support you best we can.

Thank you siganon, you're an angel, I don't deserve you uwu.

>This sounds super intriguing by the way, if there is something you feel might be useful for others, do share!

And it's done! I made a five-page-long doc file of the plan, it satisfies my 'tism, it looks very professional. Nearly 2000 words. I can't share the exact file since it goes into detail about my personal life in every item. But here's the outline of it:

1. Managing physiological arousal related to anxiety/panic attacks through deep relaxation techniques (diaphragmatic breathing, yoga nidra, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.) 20 minutes a day, 5 to 7 days a week for a 6 to 8 weeks for generalization of relaxed response.

2. Anti-stress habits (sleep hygiene, time management, no sugar, no caffeine, etc.)

3. Cognitive therapy (managing self-talk, changing core beliefs, managing personality traits that contribute to anxiety, working on self esteem)

4. Working on finding meaning in life, setting goals.

5. General knowledge on relapse prevention and a monthly checklist for sustained progress.

All of the plan is based on The Anxiety Workbook by Bourne. You can find the pdf for free online.

>>40738168
Those are fake, you can't get nails that look that good naturally.

>>40738565
That’s fine but I can still do better. There’s a number of things I want to do to better indicate I’m putting an actual effort into my appearance to present a bit softer but I haven’t actually gotten better at anything. Like I’m trying but it’s not showing

>>40739120
Why not just get fake ones too then? They look better anyway, and they definitely indicate that someone cares.

>>40714640
>do you post here often
no but I can try

>>40733614
Thanks Sig, at least its nice to know i'm not the only one filled with contempt over online housing applications.
>Is the online version some shitty form, perhaps?
It Depends on what place we're applying for. The scam place was a google form, a bunch others look like those job application sites with like 5 different parts going "Please list all your sensitive information!!"
But I do live in a small town (Less than 60k and we are the 2nd biggest city in my entire state) and people in similar businesses talk, and this includes landlords unfortunately. The current plan is to lie to some places about where we live and be honest in others we think would be more understanding/accepting.
>You urgently need to unplug from the news
God knows I'm trying. I have a bunch of political terms muted but my brain is torn between "Lets take it nice and slow today~" and "YOU GOTTA STAY PLUGGED IN AND KEEP AWARE IF YOU DON'T YOU'RE A BAD PERSON"

>You keep him afloat in ways you will never understand
This was one of the things my husband told me during our mutual cry session. I said that I was a waste of space who dragged him down and he said that I was the one thing in his life he could count on and I made him the happiest person he could ever hope to be. Its kind of funny, I don't like it when he self depricates and insults himself, I never thought he felt the same way about me doing it because for me it was more "deserved".

found this in another thread: https://transharmreduction.org/hrt-testing
maybe good to add to trans resources

>>40738168
So I'm actually big into nail care and can help here! I got big into nail filing to help me with nail biting and tearing during Covid, and its helped them out a lot!

I recommend testing different grits. The higher the grit number the finer it is, the lower the number is, the courser it is, just like real sandpaper.

I like to use a metal file (Its in pic related, my husband put it there after a guy broke the sword off my Tanjiro figure, it felt too fitting to not use it here lol) but my mom uses wooden files/emery boards because her nails are less healthy and thinner than mine.
You want to test around a bit, but generally, you want your grit to be within the 180-600 grit range and work your way from there. Do you know the grit your glass file is supposed to be at?

What got me to do a bit better with nail filing was start with more consistent nail clipping with clippers/scissors, and using the file to "Buff/Finish" it out and smooth it from the clipping, and then going from there, to smooth out the sides, then filing the top and underside to make it more "rounded" and less "blunt" from the clipping.

Before I give advice on the shape and length, can I ask what your job is and if you have any hobbies that might effect your nails? For example, I was a violin player for a large part of my life and that meant my nail shape and length had to be specific so I could actually get my fingerpads pressing on the string.

>>40737629
cool gif

today's status:
>met up with some of the work out gang
>walked well over 10 kms
(positive)
>didnt eat well
(negative)
>my head spat out another ball of infection (neutral I guess)

>>40740002
nta just wanted to say that this was very useful. I've never heard of wooden files before. I might have to try one.

>>40714640
>Alright, do you need help locating the threads?
Yeah, pretty much.
>Of course it's gonna be a bit of work finding your posts but I am sure you can quickly find them by scrolling. The archives which display the posts that are replied to so following will be comparably straightforward
Okay, I'll try my best to track them down, it's gonna be a while though so I'll try to keep up.

>>40740002
>my husband put it there after a guy broke the sword off my Tanjiro figure
lol
I'm going to give the metal file a second try, I just need to wait several days because I file the nails down way to short this time. I think the coarser file may be easier to shape with and hope my real issue was the glass file is too fine for this. The glass file's grit is 240 so it might be good for a final smoothing.

>start with more consistent nail clipping with clippers/scissors, and using the file to "Buff/Finish" it out and smooth it
I was hopping to not have to clip but this may be what I need. I can't free hand the shape well.

I mostly only use my hands for typing at a keyboard haha so it's not an issue.

Baja Midnight?

The drink that may decide the fate of the LGBT Community for years to come.

Why is it called "Midnight"? And how is it connected to "Blackout Day"?

So many questions? So few answers!

Super tired, gotta get back to looking for work in the morning.

Goodnight, and goodluck all, I'll reply to everything as soon as I can again.

Gn <3

thus i give up on all thing
its ok
this is my place

bump

>>40648685 (OP)
ik sorryh c im sorry imm sorry c im sorry im sorry im sorry please talk to even one last time i'm sorry

>>40748421
What are you sorry about?

>>40749856
please readd me im sorry
lwb vr sledding

>>40749856
if this is you im sorry for being nosy im sorry for ebing paranoid and im sorry for being unstable and imsorry for messagina dn calling you so much

This website is straight up crack cocaine. I need a way to veg and destroys after work without shitposting to high heaven on this board. Should I take an hour to sit and meditate after work instead? What do you guys do? I know I don’t have the spoons to do anything productive atm.

>>40743752
>Baja Midnight
No
>Baja Mac & cheese
Yes

>>40749856
why would you refer to me as a guy i dont understand i dont understand i dont understand

>>40748421
>>40750154
Who are you looking for, Anon? OP?

>>40752499
not op, the person im talking abour knows who she is

>>40750484
I'm a little worried about how similar the two of us appear to behave during pressure.

I hope things work out better for you though, Anon.
Take care of yourself and remember to take deep breath for calming down.

>>40734476
>Hmm. Something that you have to go out of your way to do. Something that may be enough for you to give up on doing it for the time being, or mentally postpone it, like wanting a soda but not wanting to go all the way to the store to get one
Oooh, okay.
That makes so much sense actually, like weaponised procrastination.

It's worked well for you in the past before?

bump

>>40755035
Oh damn, this thread is slower than I remember. Or some people stopped posting here.

>>40755917
the hack hit us hard because a lot of people used it to unplug.
OP is also going through some personal stuff on and off so he posts only every few days, though still as exhaustively as ever.

>>40755934
Oh that makes sense. I was afk during the hack and so confused when I tried to type in this website’s url and it was gone.

>>40750812
when I'm too tired to do anything big I like watching compilations of found footage from VHS'es. You dont have to think much as you're watching because 99% is slop, but it's kinda fun to see what they were up to and what they wanted to sell back then.

>>40753342
>weaponised procrastination
Yeah, exactly! That's actually a great way of putting it.
>It's worked well for you in the past before?
Yes, it's one of the few things that has had a decent success rate for me when taking exams, calling doctors, or having to hand in long documents for applications.
colour coded outlines or plans can help too, to make the process of doing one thing seem easier than trying to remember how to do all the other stuff you have to do. It really is all about using procrastination and laziness to fight itself