>>40842407
I try to do my best but I find myself constantly slipping desu. You probably wouldn't want me as a friend. Im a terrible friend. I was already not capable of small talk and my head injury really just turbocharged that so any casual conversation I try to make comes across very 'how do you do fellow humans' and Ive repeatedly just found myself having a hard time making friends exactly because outside of what I find to be important, and the things I do find important I usually break down to pretty absurd depths, but its never anything that makes friends. I cant do introductions and I cant do upkeep on friendships so Ive been pretty alone for a very long time.
And I am no bastion of morality by any means, I found myself nodding along to some guy at the bar today who was saying about how the only way to get women is to make them feel like shit and how he takes advantage of low self esteem women. Not because I agreed with him but because Im a coward, I knew what he was saying was wrong but I didnt stand up because I didnt want to 'mess up the vibe' and I knew that no one in the room would have been on my side.
I try my best but I find myself failing again and again. I need to get back on my game on so many things. Reading, exploring and enjoying life, art.
Its so hard to find motivation when Im that friend who is constantly going through. I need to integrate the concept that there is no motivation, there is only doing and I feel like at that point I can call myself truly healed, but I dont think I can ever be absolved of myself.
I want to output love into the world but I am so emotionally guarded irl that Im borderline incapable of it.
So no. I am by no means a good soul. I just morally grandstand a lot using my own internal thoughts but actually putting that fight into effect in real life is when Id say Im somewhat good.
