Thread 41298686

write a letter to someone

>>41298686 (OP)
I'm sorry. I wasn't actively trying to make your gf feel bad or to give myself an egoboost but what I said was still wildly inappropriate for that situation. I hope you will forgive me eventually but I understand if you don't. And please don't feel pressured to interact with me, if you ever do again. I hope you have a good life.

>>41298686 (OP)
Tee hee!
Tee
>hee
I am the ringleader of all the weasels
All the stoats
All the puppydogs and goats
I do confess
I've not been doing my job oh so diligently
Three gruff toppled a poor wee troll you see
They were mine to command and now they're free
I weep for their freedom
I groan at the thought of the plenty upon which they trot
Ohh GOOD HEAVENS who shall take leave of my corral next?
I've erected a maze!!
Dazzling cornspires
Up weeeeeeeeeeeee into the sky!!!
As high as an elephant's eye
What I'm trying to say is
Don't fear
The sheeper
Oh maaaaan
Lamb patrolling labyrinth rolling cloud plod trit trot trotter looking for a whole lot of barnyard trouble you see
Ovine minatour maze bound eyesore for your little bo peepers, jeepers the sheep has found us creepers eloping out from corn walled, corn balled entraplememt
Cloven tramplers stompy stampers sleepy time counting down to a cozy night
My confession is I'm a silly billy and I've wrangled back my free will fully
Hereinafter I shall choose a spot of whimsy over rumination and indirect communication

>>41298686 (OP)
I killed a man this morning. It was an accident. Hit and run. I live pretty far out in the country so I could probably get away with it but I think im going to turn myself in.

>>41298989
Teehee

>>41298686 (OP)
I can't believe you ate the last bowl of cereal when I told you like seven times I was saving it for a special occasion.

>>41298686 (OP)
I lied when I told you I like your new haircut. It makes you look like one of those show poodles you see in dog shows.

>>41299107
is that so bad

>>41298790
what did you say?

>>41300501
Not sure I wanna say, since I know he uses this board.

I still don't get why you dropped all contact and I still miss the hell out of you which fucking sucks because you clearly don't care anymore
Honestly I want to be able to stop caring like you did but I can't, I've really tried
I really thought the way we connected was rare and special and worth keeping around for the long haul in whatever capacity it ended up in

You were the only thing keeping me from taking testosterone. You had said no, and I loved you and feared it was a choice between you and T.

I understand why. You were genuinely concerned about my physical health, and thought it was basically just mental illness.

What I never told you is that I was 100% ready to kill myself. I had made plans. But then something snapped in a different direction and I just told you point blank: I’m taking testosterone, and you can stay or go.

My depression evaporated the instant I started injecting. I have not had a single suicidal thought or urge in over a year; they used to be almost daily. I’m emotionally stable and happy—and you stayed after all. But I don’t think you know how close you were to finding me dead on the floor of our apartment one morning. Maybe it’s better that way.

(Plot twist: I am cisgay. This is about starting steroids, not ftm HRT.)

You reading this right now, you are ugly and will never be a woman! Eventually you will regret what you have done to your body and you will kill yourself, stop waiting, do it now!

>>41298686 (OP)
I am losing my fucking mind. I have no fucking life. No girlfriend. No friends. No family. Just nothing but work, and tranny porn. I work all day, I jerk off all night. That is my whole life. My 9-5 and my 5-9.

I've reached a point where now I work to jerk off to trannies, and I jerk off to trannies to get work done. I have climbed the corporate ladder. I make good money. I have an incredibly stressful job. The only coping mechanism I have besides the gym is busting a fat nut with a tranny.

At the same time, my porn habits have gotten expensive. The free stuff doesn't do it for me anymore. I've become addicted to parasocial porn. Camgirls. Onlyfans. Tranny porn that offers a simulation of human connection rather than just passive content consumption. At this point, the only reason I strive for more career advancement is to be able to comfortably afford more porn.

I don't even know how to correct course at this point. Nothing holds my attention but tranny porn. Not even tick tack can keep me engaged as much as much as the hours and hours that I pour into edging with trannies on chaturbate. The dopamine rush I feel when we both explode at the same time is fucking unmatched. Better than cocaine. Better than any drug I've tried. I don't even remember what goals I had when I started this journey. Why did I even want this bullshit life? Why did I chase success in the first place? How did I end up on this retarded grind?

I feel like the whole world is constantly moving, everyone is doing things and growing and changing, experiencing life, while I'm permanently locked in place beating my meat with trannies over the internet.

>>41300946
She did it to me, too...
All you can do is move on.
Don't get stuck on her.

>>41300946
you sound eerily like my ex but I don’t think you’re them
regardless, I hope you feel better soon, anon

I am not like you. I thought about it. I am not going to get better because I do not want to. It isn't my fault the people around me failed me as a child but it is my fault now for refusing to put in the most basic of effort to improve anything. I choose to spend my energy on neuroticism and indulgence in my own delusions as opposed to waking up and trying to live in the real world. You have nothing fundamental that I do not that allowed you to claw your way out of the pit, it is simply that I will not try. I accept that I have wasted the precious thing that is the opportunity to live a human life. I am sorry for continuing to waste your advice and I am truly, sincerely sorry for staying in your life when I do not deserve it. I will be gone soon.

>>41301765
You ghosted your ex no contact? Just out of curiosity, why? Did they mean that little to you or was it something else?

>>41301690
You need a wife

>>41301817
So true anon... so true...

>>41300946
This reminds me of someone I knew who ended things with me and we agreed to cut contact, but I lost access to the discord account I was using at the time so I have no way of knowing if he ever tried reaching out again. Best case scenario he got married and had kids and never thought about me again

>>41301846
I find that I am addicted to porn instead of trying to date anyone because I am disillusioned with relationships after getting cheated on and don't believe anyone else will ever be faithful to me. I understand that's not true but emotionally I'm still not ready to try again. Do you have something holding you back from seriously dating?

>>41301804
i ghosted because i genuinely wasn’t able to trust them in any meaningful way xdd. i think it was because we started dating before we really got to know each other as friends/people

>>41301884
>Do you have something holding you back from seriously dating?
I say that it's the job but that's a cope. If I can spend 3 hours edging with a camgirl, clearly I have the time outside of work to go to dinner.

It's that I can't go through it again. I can't lose everything again. I can't invest my emotions in things that are impermanent anymore. I cannot become attached only to lose it all again. I WILL kill myself if that happens again. I cannot let myself become dependent on anyone or anything other than myself. I am the only constant in my life and sure, I have "needs". Clearly I crave connection. Clearly I crave validation. But the second I start letting anyone else fill those emotional needs I am ceding control over my own emotional state to them.

That is unacceptable.

I am a rock. I am an island. I am self sufficient. I cannot become dependent on another person again. I must get the next promotion. I must secure more money, not just for my camgirls, but so that I become less dependent on my job as well.

Chat is this a healthy mindset?

>>41301964
You quoted my private thoughts and feelings word for word so you're diagnosably incredibly not okay at all and at best developed some kind of avoidant personality disorder or at worst have burnt out hard and are depressed and disassociated from your own life and are practically skinwalking yourself.

Romantic relationships are not step one when we have a case this bad, you have gotta have concrete goals and anchors in your life and when you're confident about the things that you have that you'll never lose, and you know which lines people can't cross with you, and what you want from connections, then you should make a dedicated effort to befriend a group of people with shared interests. You can kerp things shallow at first, talk only about the hobby, and open up over time if you think you can see them being companions over a lifetime

Strong supportive friendships drag you out of your obsessions and help ground you in a broader sense of the world around you, there are so many things I care about because someone I love cares about that thing

It's hard that as men we're rewarded by society for being convenient asking for nothing, when in reality being hyperindependent doesn't make us strong but brittle

i made my calls today finally after 3 years please still be proud of me i’m accepting never speaking to you again i will
always wish u still reach out but is okay if you don’t good luck im not going to kill my self sorry for being so crazy

>>41300946
you sound a lot like me gl anon

my "gf" is waiting for me to apologize after an argument but instead im talking to other women. sorry.

>>41302342
Kys

>>41298686 (OP)
I'm glad we got to talk again if only briefly, I understand that you have your own life to live and I am not really fit to be a part of it as-is. It seems like you're making something of yourself and are happier than back then, so maybe that's a good thing. Good luck, I hope our paths cross again
>uncanny captcha that im choosing to ignore

One of the many sticking points in our relationship was that while we both have gender dysphoria, you were trans and I was not. Now that I am, I often feel like you would think poorly of me for coming into it much later, or that I spent so much effort improving myself that I am almost unrecognizable from the person I was when we were together. The idea that your mental image of me is incongruent with who I am now makes me want to vomit. That you, assuming you kept up with my blog posts like you did when we broke up, imagine a 300 lbs gay bear writing the things I write and not the much thinner, more feminine person I am now makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I would like to say I wish we never met, but if we never had, I'd probably still be as, if not more repressed, and probably fatter, too. Still, I hate that you only knew me at my absolute worst.

>>41302410
>Still, I hate that you only knew me at my absolute worst
Too real

>>41302059
>avoidant personality disorder
Probably this.

Look I'm not gonna disagree with anything you said there. Yes, having friends would probably be a good building block for a healthier life. However, that's not step one. Step one is learning to want friends in the first place. I have to want to let them in. I have to want to allow myself to be dependent on others.

It's not that I don't know how to find a group, it's that I don't want to participate in a group at all anymore.

I have gone through 3 major friend circle implosions and each one was more emotionally difficult than the last. I am a person who becomes very attached. When I do let my walls down and I do start to care about people, I never want to let them go. I still actively hate that I will never get the OG circle back together again. I want to just throw a party and invite everyone to it, but I will never be able to do that again because these dumb fucks just had to fuck each other, fall in love, then cheat on each other with other people from the circle.

Life is so much simpler with my solo gooning career grindset. I HAVE concrete goals, perhaps for the first time in my life. Make more money. Build more muscle. Bust fat nuts. Tangible goals that I can make progress towards on a daily basis. And you know what? I AM making progress towards those things. Not a day goes by that I don't make another dollar, lift a weight, or beat my meat.

Another implosion? Months of conflict? Months of traumatic arguments? Months of drinking to cope with the pain? Months of ingesting every chemical I can get my hands on to stop feeling things for a little while? That wonderful realization that nothing will ever be the same again? That I need to start over from scratch AGAIN? That I need to go through it all AGAIN?

No thanks.

>>41302727
Truth is I like you, hate to see somebody so driven so loving so passionate feel trapped in a routine so unfulfilling. You have every reason to shield yourself from something you can't handle, and I have no idea what it would take for the isolation to be worse than the vulnerability. In my case I hit rock bottom a few times and I didn't care that someone had betrayed me or I didn't feel good enough for someone else, I wanted to be seen and understood more than I wanted to be safe from their bullshit. I've had loved ones die, enemies die, but I look around and see what's left and want to get a few more good memories with people before I'm gone too. I refuse to believe I've already loved somebody more than I ever will again. The people I won't see again were just the ones I loved the most thus far, the love comes from within me, others just inspure it, and my capacity grows over time. I wish you the best buddy I really do

i usually woould participate in these threads but i literally have no loose ends in my life right now at all? what the fuck

>>41302923
Then jerk off dumb dumb

>>41302958
i did already today

>>41302977
Give me 5 dollars then

>>41302992
what for...

>>41302996
Arizona Ice Tea

i am chronically lonely, and it’s of my own volition. in real life, i had friends for a bit. i stopped talking to them after a year because i believed they didn’t like me. they noticed i stopped coming around and i continued to avoid them, like i’ve done many times before. i started talking to an old friend who knows my tendency to do this. he’s fine with me, at least just the parts i show him. i don’t talk to anyone but him, and it’s only every three weeks or so. i think he’s not trying to overwhelm me because of how i act. but i’ve never wanted to be closer to him than anytime before. if he knew i was a tranny he’d hate me. and i live in a shitty small town so good luck meeting anyone who can sympathize with that. i stopped going outside, so i came here mostly so i could talk to people who get it. i kinda of forget though this isn’t real, this isn’t a replacement for actual human interaction and my words hold no weight here. i just muck up everything with my presence and i hate it. if i was brave enough to challenge myself and wear my scars for everyone to see, maybe i could have genuine connection and be someone. but i’ve never been that. i never will be. so now i do the same thing i do everyday hoping for a change. looking for something to scream at me and say you got to stop. but i wont. i’ve accepted defeat from the start. ill never be anyone because i dont have the guts. doesn’t matter what i am or how i try. maybe one day when it gets bad enough ill turn on.
i write most of these to myself and read them over and over again while imagining things like having a fulfilling life. i wonder if i was born this pathetic or if it gets worse with time
the thing about self-deprecation is that everyone can see you wear it on your skin. or how your eyes dart when they meet anothers. people get sick of my self centered ways, and im sick too
i wish that one day i can meet someone who’s just like me, but all of my dreams are just too far away.

>>41303209
sending you a hug

>>41303236
and i, you.

>>41298686 (OP)
I slept for 18 hours yesterday because I was having a really good dream about making out with a gigapassing trans guy. I kept waking up and making myself go back to sleep to continue the dream.

>>41298686 (OP)
Dear Scarlett,
You're a delusional lying cunt and I'd say I hope you die of AIDs but you're such a bul.shitter you'll just milk it for sympathy while sex pesting it into gen pop. I hope you die an amusing death and are promptly forgotten. You're mid at everything you do and that includes being a woman.

Pip pip

>>41302410
>Still, I hate that you only knew me at my absolute worst.
god, too fucking relatable

I'm so sad and angry and confused. I can't understand why you ended it or why you would do it like that and you can't even tell me why and you didn't even seem a tiny bit upset
it was meant to be us. millions of thoughts harass me endlessly, how long did you wish i was gone, what could i have done differently, who would I need to be for you to love me, how long did you telling me you loved me mean nothing
im just sad. i thought you were going to be the rest of my life. I can feel myself becoming a bitter and angry person and I don't even know if I care enough to do anything about it

Waow

someone whom I care about so deeply with my entire heart might go to jail today and imsofuckingscared , I work night shift and have to work again tomorrow but probably won’t even sleep until I can hear back from him when he gets to the courthouse. I don’t know what to do, I’ve been crying all night and trying to keep it together and I’ve prayed and prayed to god that nothing like that happens but I’m just so scared. he doesn’t deserve this. he’s such a kind and sweet man and he’s been through so much in his life and even more so recently, he doesn’t deserve what has happened to him. i can’t even tell him about how i truly feel because it would be absolutely inappropriate to do so given the context of everything but I’m just so scared for him. I want him to be ok and i want to hold him and tell him everything will be ok but I can’t and won’t ever be able to do that.

and now he might go to jail and be stuck in the hole for a while and I’ve been a teary weeping mess because I don’t want that to happen to him. I don’t want that to happen to him. He’s such a kind sweet and emotionally vulnerable man, he doesn’t deserve this. I’m so scared I don’t know what to do except keep checking my phone and pray that everything goes ok today. My heart is filled with anxiety and it feels like it’s about to burst. I truly don’t know how I will be able to cope if something happens.

i wish i could tell him the true nature of the feelings i have in my heart for him but i cant, i never ever will be able to. i love him so much i don’t want this to happen to him and i can do nothing but pray and cry

>>41304476
What did he do?

>>41304660
i don’t want to say to preserve his privacy but it’s a misdemeanor but in his case there’s a chance the court may deprive him of his liberty (jail time) and im so fucking scared i feel absolutely sick to my stomach, i don’t know what to do

he didn’t hurt anyone, he just messed up and made his life more difficult but it’s not something he should go to jail for. and while i don’t know for sure he did it likely because he’s really depressed or maybe even suicide even though he said it wasn’t that. he’s emotional and has a big heart and i just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything is going to be ok, I love him so much but i can never ever tell him that and my heart aches and im genuinely a complete wreck right now

i don’t know how i can cope if he does end up going to jail. he’s such a sweet man…I should be sleeping right now because i have work again tonight but i can’t I need to stay up until he says something about it, either that or he just won’t say anything at all. and then i don’t know how ill be able to go to sleep, or work, or eat, or do anything at all except cry and cry and cry and cry because someone who’s so kind and thoughtful who’s been through so much is rotting in a cell for god knows how long. he doesn’t deserve that. im so worried about his mental wellbeing in general and this would be absolutely horrible for him.

i cant even express any of this to him or really anyone except image boards either, if he knew he would probably be disgusted and would want to go no contact. i hate myself so much. if me getting hit by a car or having misfortune for the rest of my life would let him not go to jail i would do it in a heartbeat i would do it. i love him so much

im so scared, i dont know what to do, i feel like im going to puke

>>41304717
so he would only spend like a week or two in jail?
thats not so bad he will be fine

>>41304732
no it could be up to a couple months, under i year i think but still 3-6 months at worst

i know in my heart hes not in a good place right now. he’s so alone. he doesn’t have much at all in terms of friends or family. even though he said otherwise im terrified he attempted suicide. he went through something absolutely horrible around 2 months ago or so and it makes me want to weep whenever i think about it. the worst part was that he was all alone during it.

he’s still alone. i don’t want him to be alone. i want him to be happy. he’s such a hardworking, kind, thoughtful and emotionally deep man. i care about him so much. i just want him to be happy.

and i can’t make him happy. I can’t fix this if he ends up going to jail. there’s nothing i can do and it makes me sick to my stomach. if he does end up going to jail i legitimately don’t know how I am going to cope. i already want to an hero and the only reason i don’t is because my elderly parents would be sad and alone and my cats would be alone and i would never be able to text him again or hear his voice again.

i just want him to be happy. i dont know what to do. the anxiety just keeps building and building. i prayed to god for almost an hour last night and weeped and weeped on the floor. i just pray that something out there will heed my calls and he won’t go to jail. im so worried about him.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like im at my wits end.

>>41304787
he is lucky to have someone care this much wow

>>41298686 (OP)
I do what I do, because if not for people like me, nothing would get done. The police didn't do anything, that's why I took the hammer to the mans temple and the screwdriver to the other mans jugular. They were scum and needed the fear of god striking into them. Never actually swung, never stabbed, just scared them, and they deserved it. I did it all for someone else, because they hurt her, and am willing to do it again.

>>41304795
if you knew the full context you would probably think im a weird failure disgusting moder. if he knew how I felt about him he would too, im sure

but I can’t ever let him know. that’s the worst part (well not nearly as bad as what may happen but my heart still hurts)

ill never be able to tell him how I feel. how much I care about him. how much i want to hold him. i think about him every night as i fall asleep and when i wake up. i wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and cry because he’s not there holding me. i want to cook him nice food and take him out on dates and pay for everything. i want to to spoil him rotten and buy him nice gifts and make him feel like the most special boy in the whole wide world (i do this a little bit, but anonymously because im so pathetic)

i want to hold him in my arms and play with his hair and tell him how much i love him. i want to make him feel safe and secure. i want to make him feel like he can be vulnerable around me. i want him to feel safe enough to cry if he needs to or vent or just be there to listen to him. i want to make him happy. i don’t ever want him to be alone again. i just want to make his life better and i would be so happy if he was happier and less lonely even if it didn’t involve me at all, although it would break my heart. i just want him to be happy and feel loved and like there’s someone in his life that cares about him with all her heart. i want to be his good girl. i want to be by his side no matter what. i pray and pray and wish upon a star for an opportunity to love him.

>>41304795
>>41304956

but it will never happen. ill never be able to love him or express the feelings i have for him. if he knew he would be disgusted or creeped out and likely would want to go no contact. i dont blame him either. im pathetic and disgusting for feeling this way.

but nothing i feel matters because what matters is his liberty may be deprived and he’ll be alone in jail and his mental health will get worse and he won’t have anyone with him. he’ll be alone again.
just like how he was alone in the hospital. just like how he was alone before.
i don’t want him to be alone.

im so scared, i dont know what to do. I cant stop crying

>>41304956
nah I wouldn't think that
most people would probably think you are weird and overly codependent but I hope you two can have a happy life together

>>41304969
i can’t say the full context because i do not want to reveal any potentially identifying information but im afraid that’s not the case.

there is no universe in which the feelings i feel for him are appropriate. much less expressing them. there’s no chance we could be together. i don’t know how to say it without saying it directly but the feelings i feel are absolutely inappropriate and pathetic and evil given the context.

i know he would detest it and want me to never text him again. it hurts so bad.

i don’t know why im like this, i don’t know why i feel this way. I can’t stop my heart though..I don’t know what to do

and im so scared, im so scared for him. I want him to be ok. that’s all i want in this world. I want him to be happy and healthy with better mental health and not to feel alone.

>>41304997
okay I get it, he is your family member or someone in a position of authority over you or someone you have authority over

>>41305039
no not that…im not that weird (for the family thing)
it would be kinda nice if he had authority over me…
but no, its so so much more pathetic than you think… i honestly want to say it just to get it off my chest but i dont want to reveal anything info wise that could identify him…or me for that matter…
its just really pathetic, thats all i can say…

I still want to try to contact you 3+ years later. But you seem to be doing fine without me and I don't want to destabilize you. If it makes you feel better I am not doing well and probably never will be doing well.

he’s on his way to the courthouse now

im happy to have heard from him but at the same time im so scared that he just won’t text anymore and that’ll be it for god knows how long

i hate how he is going through this
i hate my stupid heart so much

>>41298686 (OP)
Many trans women need to unlearn male socialization with regards to misogyny and empathizing with cis women and if you chimp out instead of understanding what i'm saying then you're part of the problem and should evaulate your beliefs. My point of reference might be skewed however because the only trannies i know come from this hellscape, maybe this criticism only applies to you people.
>t. Enlightened actual anti-misogynist tranny

he’s going into the courthouse now

im genuinely so scared

i just want him to be ok

I don’t want him to be alone

the only people i have to express my true emotions is this image board

ive been crying all night and morning

please please please god please jesus please please have mercy on him please he doesn’t deserve anything bad

i already said it many times while praying during the wee hours of the morning but ill say it again please please have mercy on him

i love you so much and i hate myself for it, i would happily die if meant you could be out of this mess with your life on a upwards trajectory.

my life is a worthless series of nothing with the only good parts of it helping people to vainly rid myself of 108 defilements

I love you with all my heart please be ok

>>41305255
trvthnvke

guys im so happy he did not go to jail!!! he was able to post bond and walk free :))))
im literally overjoyed i can almost forget for a moment how pathetic i am; im just so glad hes still here and isnt going to be stuck in a cell alone

im so happy you guys have no idea : )))
my prayers were answered!!! thank you god <3 im so happy for real ahahahahaha i was so scared

sorry for blog posting i cant tell anyone this but im just so happy!!! : )

you broke your promise. you said you'd remember but you didn't. it's not even a big thing really, in the whole scheme of things. but you made a bad day worse. i know now that i am just not important to you. i'm not very important to anyone. i wish i knew what i was doing wrong. i wish i didn't wake up this morning

I keep scrolling this board and wondering which posts might be yours, or if you're too depressed to post right now. I don't know how I got so attached to you as a friend but I just wish you still talked to me. I'd probably cut the shit out of my thighs if you asked me to, and I wish you would. If hurting myself made you happy I would do it, just as long as if you were still around. I don't like this particular kind of hurt.
There's something hideously perverse about the fact that we'll probably never talk to each other again. Just going on with our lives.
I almost wrote out an angry rant but that wouldn't be the right thing to do I guess. You don't deserve anger, I know you're under a lot of pressure w/r/t your gf so it's sort of understandable.
I had a dumb fantasy of sharing an apartment with you in your city once I graduated from college and you could move out. Been thinking about that a lot. Or even just how I was going to visit you over winter break. or the last time we hung out. Or the music you recommended to me. I honestly did think you liked me as a friend, and I was somehow more able to be friends with you than the average person that you wouldn't be able to make a connection with at all. I wonder if you got back with your gf after all. I guess you must have.
Chat, I might be a bad person

>>41305993
happy for you nona

i don't think i'll ever get over you, even if i get obsessed with loving someone else. you will always be my 11/10 girl, even with all your problems. but you want to live your life a certain way, i get it...you're young and beautiful. but i'm too old for that shit, and have done it before and left with scars on my heart. good luck.

>>41303788
it wasn't meant to be us, lol. if this is who i think it is im much happier and much better off without an abuser in my life

picrel is how i sleep being far away from you

>>41307821
It definitely isn’t about you

Heard from a mutual that you've been asking about me and I know you still post here.
Here's my advice to you: Don't.
If I wanted you in my life you'd find an open door.
Do you see any open doors? No.
I blocked you everywhere. Deleted your number, all our messages, everything.
Let me be clear: I never want to see you again.
I don't care if you "miss me". Tough.
I'll send you the boards and nails to build a bridge and get over it.
But I'm not gonna help you build it and I'm not gonna let you stay on this side of the river.
Fuck you, and goodbye!

>>41308184
whatever go gamble your paycheck away or buy yet another gun you don't need

>>41307374

thank you im happy too : )))

Dear J,

I love you so much it hurts. I know you say I shouldn't and that I should try and move on, but I can't even after all this time. It scares me how much I love you sometimes. I don't know what else to do about it.

In school you were always telling me that I needed to live my life for myself instead of my parents. You were right. I was chasing things I didn't really want in the first place. I'm doing lots of things I want, now. Finally telling you how I felt was one of them. I didn't come to it lightly, so please don't act like I'm blowing my life up for something meaningless or trivial.

I don't care if my family disowns me if they find out we're together. It took me a long time to realize I'll never be the son they wanted, so they'd just be crying over an empty grave. When you said something like "we can't be together because you're meant for other people, not me" that really hurt me. It hurt me because I know you said it because you think no one is capable of loving you. I want to stay by your side and show you how wrong that is even if we can't be together. Will you let me?

I love you. I love you. I love you. I don't think I know how to stop.

I'm sorry.

--E

>>41306061
this is sad what happened anon

M,
You were everything to me. I miss you so goddamn much...
M

we were put into an fucked up situation that was out of our control when we were just a couple of dumb teenagers. if we weren't being abused we were being neglected. thrown together in that house and left to our own devices. we couldn't cope. we were alone with only each other to lean on. the way things ended up was unavoidable. please stop doing this to yourself.

THIS!!!
>>41308184
This Right HERE is where you are supposed to be!!! I have no expectations of people becoming enamored with me, i am well aware as to what the boys in here do. For the millionth time, I CANT STOP THEM, but what i can do is expose you to them, (if you see them, you can defend yourself from them) i am FINE with being pushed away, I have no qualms over my fate, You are light years more important to the world than ANYTHING that spills on to you from the crap that is manifested in here.
Know, what i do is usually done with a little flag so everyone can see my movements. Ill let you know i think you're wonderful, but i expect NOTHING in return. I would never talk or even message you under some guise you cant identify. I have already accepted my fate. Its permanent. I would NEVER drag anyone down with me like that. Ever!
Their goal has been and always will be to take you down, DONT FUCKING LET THEM!
Im just gay, all i ever want is to be able to be a peace. Get the dick out of the women's locker rooms.
That is all.

>>41298686 (OP)
I don't know if I should still hate you for what you did to me. I'm getting tired of these emotions and you don't even care one bit. It's almost been a year since we last texted but the wound still bleeds. I can't talk to new people, I'm not sure if anyone will ever love me. You made me feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, every night after talking with you, I slept surrounded by an infinite field of marigolds. I needed your aproval, I needed to feel seen by you. I told you I was a tranny even before my closest friends knew. I just miss you so fucking much. I can't bring myself to hate you, let alone feel angry at you. I loved you so much and you treated me like garbage. Now I'm not sure if I'm even a person. Also, fuck you for telling me you were a lesbian and then go date a man not once, but twice.

I wish you knew, for a fact, that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I wish I saw more of you. The whole time I've known you, I've always shriveled at the prospect of seeing you more. I'm afraid how much I want you pollutes any conversation and any intimacy we have. Every time you take your shirt off in front of me, even after we've had sex, I feel as if I'm violating you by not telling you how much it means to me. I wish I could cut the infatuated part out of me and give it to you.
You're so intentional. It makes you funny and sexy and shockingly easy to communicate with. When you were as close to rock bottom as I've ever seen you, you still met me halfway with such grace and consistency that it will stand out in my life as a miracle. You are the best at "appreciating art" out of anyone I know. I feel so dumb and embarrassed talking to you sometimes. I feel dumb and embarrassed in nervous silence with you. They were the best nervous silences of my life.
I hope that in the off chance you read this you are charmed by my perverse fixation on you. I bet you would be. I used to stalk your twitter. I've seen your nudes going back a few years. Once, you posted something that made me think you'd caught on and I deleted twitter off my phone entirely for a week. I wish I could tell you this without making it seem like I was just trying to act out your fantasies. You probably already know.
You infuriate me. You are intentional enough to infuriate and not just disappoint. You think you're so fucking old. You're stubborn. You're arrogant! I wish I could say these things to your face. I know you'd want me to.
I hope you're as scared of me as I am of you. It seems plausible. I should message you.
We don't know each other very well.
I wish I had the opportunity to love you.

im so glad that I broke up with you, that I didn't spend another 3 years of wasted time and energy being with you. you taught me how I can love myself and I was an absolute mess who wasn't ready for a relationship, but you weren't either. you were embarrassed by me in front of your friends whenever I fucked up, but god forbid I had so many times I was embarrassed by you and I didn't say a thing.

when I graduated, I wanted you to stay and celebrate afterwards with me, but both you and my sister treated it like an inconsideration, and that you had to get home on the train for work. you couldn't even take a proper photo with me.

the first guy I fucked since we broke up is a dirtbag but at least he's hot and self confident, something that you never were despite me encouraging you. not that you could be given your adversity towards taking care of yourself, but I thought that was a me thing wasn't it? a figure thats even more insecure than you to make you feel less bad.

me and that guy by the way, we had instant chemistry, finally I was the awkward one romantically for once, even if it was a fling for a few fuck sessions. finally I was being courted. by an ACTUAL man. yknow one who would actually go to the gym with me, who I didn't have to beg his lazy ass to get up and do something besides "cuddling together all weekend", funny that despite all that cuddle time where you'd just come over on weekends and we'd spend it all rotting away in bed for years, how many birthdays I spent alone because you were at work, despite booking the days off myself. how many times I'd cry myself to sleep during those days because you never showed up, making me think this was as good as I could get. I hope you're still fucking miserable and porn addicted and that your loser friends keep you encouraged to stay with your parents your entire life, must feel weird knowing that I'm doing better than ever after FFS and you're still sitting in your room buying porn memorabilia "as a joke"

I hope you're well across the pond. I'm sorry I'm pathetic and ghosted you till right before you left. I don't know why I loved (probably still do I guess) you that way idek. I drove to cs and back today to visit my brother cause he's struggling in that shithole, I took him to the bridge where we found shells that time I showed up after hitting a hog lol. I miss you and I hate what I did and I miss talking to you but I think you want to move on and I'm still pathetic and don't deserve a friend as good as you. There's probably a lot of times I should have been vulnerable with you but never was and I'm sorry I can't get over myself. Thank you for all that you did for me, you were really my only friend I ever hung out with and you helped me with a lot of things in my life. I wish you a good life and hope I'll see you again at some point.

i think about going back to u all the time and wish it was ever possible to just be friends
i only see things that remind me of u and i hear ur voice in my head all the time the things u said and would say
i wanted so much to live the things u wanted for me
but i resented u too much for things out of ur control
i would be giving up things i wasn’t done with yet but most of all i needed to leave because i needed the option of being able to kill myself without u worrying about me
in any case i went too far and i was too harsh to u and i already crossed a line
i wish and hope that u will be able to be happy n get everything that u wanted n move on from the memory of me one day
but i can’t ever forget u so thanks for loving me the way u did

I am sorry for what i said, I was doing bad at the time and in a clearer head it was pretty mean of me to say. Wish i could talk to you again, I wish you didn't pop into my head everyday. We barely know each other but for some reason there's this weird static of intimacy. Hope you see this and know it's me.

i still think about you a lot. i know that i shouldn't. we were really only together for a summer, but everything moved so fast. i don't think that we should get back together, but i do want to know if you are doing alright. i don't know. i hope you've forgotten me, that would be the best for you. i don't know what to do with the love letter you gave me. we had a lot of good times, and honestly a lot of bad memories too. i remember always being dragged along, i was so sick, and you kept on bringing me outside to walk or to skateboard, and i kept on trying to be strong while so sick and i wonder if our relationship was like that. a long disease interspersed with hope and pain. we had so many dreams and futures. i hope that you aren't lonely and that you have a good life.

>>41298686 (OP)
Well I'm back to being all alone in life again and not really feeling like trying to meet people. I had you for a long time and now that you've kicked me to the curb like all the other ones always have and always will, I don't know if I'll ever connect with anyone again. The last time, it took 8 years for me to meet someone I connect with again.

I wish it didn't have to play out this way every single time. I will truly never understand people who manage to find lifelong connections. That sort of thing seems to just be for other people, and it will never be for me. I will always be abandoned.

You know what's funny is that the entire basis of whatever the heck our friendship is now is that I don't ask anything of you. If I had any sort of needs from you at all, I feel like whatever remains of our friendship would not last. That you tolerate me at all is because I ask nothing of you.

In my heart of hearts I know that means our friendship is actually dead.

i know the truth is you are just better than me, ever since i first saw you i knew you were better than me, and then we actually met. against all odds. and it only became more apparent, your existence makes me feel like a skinwalker. you probably know that. i wonder what you really think of people like me. do you think im just doing it for fun? because im mentally ill? because im desperate? maybe thats all there is to say about me. im not a real person. you are a real person. i just wish that we could have connected more, but maybe the reality is we just have nothing in common and theres nothing i can do about that.

i hate seeing you having fun, hope you kill yourself soon

I'm considering to detrans so that women might actually give me some respect. Maybe I will have a kind of secret life where I present as a male in order to stop being a kind of trooncel. I'm quite cute so and in an obscure place so it may be the only method to do it — Also, I have no idea how to date in real life

i'm finally moving on from my toxic relationship with my ex girlfriend after years of letting her ghost me and then taking her back. i've been focusing on all of her negative characteristics to make myself not want her back. since she was forced to detransition for a few years, even though she's back on hormones now, she still looked like a guy the last time i saw her. she wasn't very physically attractive to me like that, so it helped me walk away.
my worst fear is that she shows back up into my life retransitioned, because i know if i saw her like that i would fold instantly and take her back. but part of me really hopes it happens, too.

this is stupid. i dont think you even shared mmy feelings once.i hate you, you stupid beaner chaser. i hate niggers and people like you, but i gave you a chance and you screwed me over without hesitation.
no, i dont hate you actually. im just mad you could never see beyond the lust. if i transitioned, you'd loose all interest in me anyway

>>41313167
Once you stop wasting time on the people who don't value you, life honestly improves a lot.

>>41298686 (OP)
I know you don't really don't think of me much anymore
but you're all I can put in my head

no matter how bad you hurt me
I will never hate you
but if I live
then so does my love for you
and that creates a sadness
that makes my heart and my life unlivable

I don't want to be cold again just so I can get over you
I did that before, I nearly lost myself
If when everything falls away all I have left is to force myself to hate you to get over you
then I guess I just can't live anymore
because I could never hate you

My faith in you, I told you, would be the last
to try and make me believe in love

you'll always remain in my heart
and in my hopes
my probably futile hopes
but it’s all I’ve got
and it’s all I’ll ever have
I hope
I loved you
I love you

>>41298686 (OP)
I've moved on with you, I now have a really happy life, but wound that you left to me was still severe when I was in a really tough situation.
I'm fine now though, hope you get a serious help with your behaviors.
I will never talk/contact you again.

>>41313122
me too babe, but that’s the game so :p

>>41312598
what’s stopping you?

I think my coworkers have already realized I'm on HRT, they've been talking about trans people and joking about growing breasts, not that I care but it's kinda weird.

>>41309944
you're everything to me too.. all I ever think about is you, every single day. you know you're in my dreams. it doesn't have to be like this

bump

>>41311840
if you are her please come back the number one thing i want out of my life is to make things right with you idk how to do that or if it’s possible our hardship doesn’t have to be for nothing and i don’t want my whole life overshadowed by the loss of our connection i see you in everything too and if you truly can’t come back that’s fine too i will always think of u and im sorry i couldn’t do more somehow or be more or make it work please lets both atleast promise to not kill ourselves but if you are serious about that please don’t leave me in the dark about i do not want to know the world without you i want to see you live yr life knowing you or at least knowing you are living it without me i want to die in a world without i do want to die not knowing u im sorry i love you

>>41319303
Where did we meet?
I'll be gone a long time today, but I'll leave this thread tabbed.
If you answer right, I'll unblock you when I get home.

bump

>>41320570
in front of jcpenney.
I know it isn't you though because of the typing style. and it'd be pretty embarrassing if she saw this...