>Alpha-readers tell me my book's dialogue is video-game tier

Am I fucked lads?

>>24474733 (OP)
share an example

The Larcener tried to let a vaguely sincere expression scurry onto his face, where it froze in evident discomfort. His shrug was theatrically casual.

“There are, ah, problems with the boy, yes. But the problems are unique to his situation in my care. Were he under yours, I’m sure they would, ahhhh, vanish.”

“Oh. You have a magic boy. Why didn’t you say so?” The priest scratched his forehead beneath the white silk blindfold that covered his eyes. “Magnificent. I’ll plant him in the bloody ground and grow a vine to an enchanted land beyond the clouds.”

“Ahhhhh! I’ve tasted that flavor of sarcasm before, Marko.” The Larcener gave him a mock bow. “That’s the sort you spit out as a
bargaining posture. Is it really so hard to say that you’re interested?”

The Eyeless Priest shrugged. “Suppose Janus, Cassidy and Jobe might be able to use a new playmate, or at least a new punching bag. Suppose I’m willing to spend about three coppers and a bowl of piss for the mystery boy. But you’ll still need to convince me that you deserve the bowl of piss. What’s his problem?”

“His problem,” said the Larcener, “is that if I can’t sell him to you, I’m going to have to slit his throat and throw him in the bay. And I'll have to do it tonight.”

>>24474809
meant to quote >>24474768

>>24474733 (OP)
It depends. If they're referring to The Witcher 3, that's good. If they mean Zero Wing, that's bad.

sounds overly ornate and satirical, only people trying to hide something from each other, people with special relationships talk like that and not even all the time

>>24474809
It is video game tier, but late 90s/early 2000s cRPG tier, so not bad.
>>24474886
>only people trying to hide something from each other, people with special relationships talk like that
I don’t know the context of what OP posted is, but it seems like those characters have exactly that sort of relationship. Though I don’t exactly know what you mean by “special relationships.”

>>24474809
>The Larcener tried to let a vaguely sincere expression scurry onto his face, where it froze in evident discomfort. His shrug was theatrically casual.
This is really bad, but seems par for the course with self-pubbed fantasy slop. I have no clue why you're alpha readers shit on you when they guzzle up slop like this all the time.
But yes, it's bad. It feels forced, overly pompous, and "oh so" ironically detached.
I've never read Terry Pratchett, but I imagine this is how a Terry Pratchett novel reads.

>>24474733 (OP)
gamers are the most oppressed group on earth, we have to stand up for ourselves, especially against "people" like wordcels

>>24474809
Way too many adjectives, using more than 1 h for "ahhhhh" looks amateurish, the "bowl of piss" thing just comes off as cringe

Also not everyone has to have a snappy or witty comeback, people can just talk normally. It's not overwhelming in this short excerpt but I'd probably hate it if everyone talked like this throughout the book

>>24474733 (OP)
Make a video game.

>>24474809
The first line demonstrates the flaws in your writing.
>vaguely sincere expression scurry onto his face
>vaguely sincere scurry
Too many descriptors
>expression onto his face
Superfluous

I wasn't going to add anything else but
>bowl of piss
>I'm going to have to slit his throat and throw him in the bay
Screams 2010s gritty fantasy worldbuilding, it's immature. Though that's personal preference.

>>24474733 (OP)
It generally helps to read out your text.

>>24474733 (OP)
yes

>>24475437
you got filtered

>>24474809
>tried to let a vaguely sincere expression scurry onto his face

Didn't even finish this first sentence. Do you not have any loved ones in your life to let you know you're dog shit at writing? It's important that parents and family destroy people's churlish dreams from an early age so they don't waste valuable time.

Have you considered stocking shelves as a suitable replacement to being a writer?

>>24474733 (OP)
well you're a frogposter, so clearly you're as basic trash as it gets

be honest OP
if you tried to make music and it sounded like video game music... would you be convinced?

Anon, you received honest and true insight. Do you know how rare that is? You are now free to redo it the right way. It's reality's feedback, don't run from it.

>>24474809
I hardboiled the Larcener:

The Larcener donned a mask of sincerity and shrugged theatrically.

"Look, I can't keep the boy. You can."

“Oh. You have a magic boy. Why didn’t you say so?” The priest scratched his forehead beneath the white silk blindfold that covered his eyes. “Magnificent. I’ll plant him in the bloody ground and grow a vine to an enchanted land beyond the clouds.”

"I knew you'd be interested. What's your offer?"

The Eyeless Priest shrugged. “Suppose Janus, Cassidy and Jobe might be able to use a new playmate, or at least a new punching bag. Suppose I’m willing to spend about three coppers and a bowl of piss for the mystery boy. But you’ll still need to convince me that you deserve the bowl of piss. What’s his problem?”

“His problem,” said the Larcener, “is that if you won't have him, I'll slit his throat and dump him in the bay. Tonight.”

>>24477057
>>24474809
This is trolling. You're trolling with your ahhh dialogue. One gem piece of advice I saw recently on here from an anon who spoke about getting rid of the words that end with -ly and expanding on them with eloquent description instead. Your writing with 100x if you do that.
>shrugged theatrically.

>>24474809
If you don’t mind, I would like to rewrite this in my style:

The Larcener’s overly casual shrug revealed his evident discomfort.

“There are, uh… Problems… With the boy. But the problems are unique to his being in my care. Were he under yours, I’m confident they would vanish.”

“Oh, you have boy with magic. Why didn’t you say so?” The priest wiped his forehead, careful to keep the sweat off white silk blindfold. “What should I do with him. Plant him in the ground, maybe. Ha! With any luck he might grow a vine to the land beyond the clouds!”

“Spare the sarcasm, Marko.” The Larcener’s sneer curled half his lip upwards. “That’s the sort you spit out as a bargaining posture. Is it really so hard to say that you’re interested?”

The blindfolded Priest shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe… Janus, Cassidy, and Jobe might be able to use a new playmate. Or a new punching bag. Maybe..! I’m willing to spend about three coppers and a bowl of piss for the boy. You’d still need to convince me that you deserve the bowl of piss. If he was what you said then you wouldn’t be trying to pawn him off on me. What’s his problem?”

“His problem,” grimaced the Larcener, “Is that if I can’t sell him to you, I’m going to have to slit his throat and throw him in the bay. And I'll probably have to do it tonight.”

I don’t think it’s bad, I just think you need to say your dialogue out loud and see how it sounds.

Sound like some beta readers to me. Keep your chin up king, and write more.

>>24477108
Actually maybe revealed in the first line should be replaced with “betrayed”. Anywhobeit I think the dialogue is unnaturally going in a certain direction. Also the sarcasm vine shit doesn’t make sense in the excerpt, because for all we know the magical boy actually is supposed to be planted as a sacrifice to reach cloud city. Maybe change it to bury his head him in my garden, it’ll make the carrots grow faster? Something low stakes, revealing the worthlessness of the magic.

>>24477108
*off his white silk blindfold

>>24477011
yes

>>24477112
based

>>24477108
not half bad ay

>>24474809
Here's another excerpt I wrote more recently

“The Mummers got another one last night,” he muttered, straining against
his pole. “Lots of twitchy boys with big murder-pieces keeping an eye on us right now, that’s for damn sure.”

“Another one?” Jobe narrowed his eyes. “We hadn’t heard yet. Who got it?”

“Tall Tesso, from the Omitters. They found him up in Rustwater, nailed to the wall of an old shop, balls cut off. His blood ran out, is what it looked like.”

Janus and Costa exchanged a glance, and Nervous Vitale grunted. “Acquainted, were you?”

“After a fashion,” said Janus, “and some time ago.”

Janus pondered. Tesso was—had been—garrista of the Omitters; one of Borsodi's big earners, and a close friend of the capa’s younger son, Pacho. Nobody in New Navarre should have been able to touch him (save only Borsodi and the Spider), yet those damned invisible lunatics calling themselves the Mummers had touched him in no uncertain terms.

“That’s six,” said Costa, “isn’t it?”

“Seven,” replied Jobe. “There haven’t been this many dead gods-damned garristas since you and I were five years old.”

“Heh,” said Vitale, “and to think I once envied you, boy, even with this tiny little gang of yours.”

Janus glared at him, willing the puzzle to come together in his head and not quite succeeding. Seven gang leaders in two months; all of them given the distance, but otherwise having little in common. Janus had long taken comfort in his own lack of importance to the capa’s affairs, but now he began to wonder. Might he be on someone’s list? Did he have some unguessed value to Borsodi that the Mummers might want to end with a crossbow bolt? How many others were between him and that bolt?

“Damn,” said Costa, “as if things needed to get more complicated.”

“Maybe we should take care of… current business.” Carpo had shifted against the side of the gondola and was looking around as he spoke. “And then maybe we should get lost for a while. See Tal Verrar, or Talisham… or at least get you out, Janus.”

“Nonsense.” Janus spat over the side of the boat. "We ain't giving anything up. Not yet. Not while the game's on."

>>24477065
Cookie cutter advice like that is always wrong. Writing just doesn't work like that. Stephen King also advises getting rid of adverbs but uses them himself.

>>24477199
Okay, then stay a shitter forever waiting for your unique special boy advice tailored to only you. Good luck.

>>24477199
Fiction writing advise for beginners is extremely limiting.

>Don't use adverbs
>Use adjectives very sparingly
>Never stray away from the common vernacular
>Never omit quotation marks, always make it clear who's speaking in dialogue, only use one POV in one scene
>use as few people in a scene as possible
>no inner monologues
>no long dialogues
>avoid "he said" or "she said" all the time
>use a mix of long and short sentences together
>show; don't tell
>MC should not be dislikeable
>write what you know

yet every single great writer avoids many of said rules in a single book, even. yet there's a 99.9% chance that anons on 4chan will never get published, let alone be considered great writers, and in order to improve you should not aim for the stars until you're able to fly at the very least

>>24474809
Hate when I let a vaguely sincere expression scurry onto my face

>>24477199
The complaint should be with common adverbs that amateur writers use instead of using more precise verbs. Always, hopefully, very, really, almost, often, etc. Eliminating them can make our writing more intentional. This applies to modifiers in general.

>>24477214
NTA anon but I have bought selfpubs from anons here and enjoyed them. And in turn, anons here have liked my royalroad shit. Who cares if a Jewish individual thinks your work should be shared?

>>24477269
you piece of shit, that made me laugh so hard, oh god

>>24474809
They're not wrong. What kind of voice are you trying to emulate? What era of English? Because it sounds very modern.

On the plus sign, it's not horribly egregious. I've read dialog that sounds like no human on Earth.

>>24474809
Is this Gentleman Bastards fanfic? It bloody well reads like it. An eyeless priest is being sold a boy who's going to die otherwise. It is almost a one-to-one paraphrase of the opening chapter of Locke Lamora, just written worse.

You should be ashamed OP.

>>24477269
ky s

>>24477329
>just written worse

impossible

>>24477282
>selfpubs

amazon?

>>24477336
OP found a way. The dialogue in LL is at least easy to read.

>>24477343
But of course

I got my copy of LL out and it is just that with the names changed.

>>24477348
it reads the same

>>24477348
>OP
the guy who posted the dialogue is a different anon

>>24477343
Are there actually alternatives to Amazon for self pubbing? There's web novel sites but they seem a step below KDP.

>>24477377
I see this book in so many top 5 fantasy lists. What trash.

>>24477377
I refuse to believe that this someone actually wrote this, sent it to an editor, and actually got this shit published

>>24477737
This is one of the most popular fantasy/sci-fi series ever making many fantasy/sci-fi critics top 5 series of all time.

>>24476939
>churlish dreams
>churlish
That's not how you use that word, idiot.

>>24477747
You seem kind of churlish anon

>>24477365
>>24477377
>LL
I have no clue what that is because I'm not a slop guzzler like this retard and OP, but I called it in my post here >>24475266.

>>24477377
>>24474809
>>24477329
>scratched his forehead BENEATH the blindfold
That’s fucking it. I can get published anywhere it seems.

>>24474733 (OP)
Yes

>>24477377
it reads much better with this added context

>>24477214
The reason why advice like that is so generic is because beginner writers all write the exact same way and make the exact same mistakes, and just saying "read more and rewrite everything," which is the only piece of real advice that could help anyone, is never said because it will always be ignored.

Any rule or guideline that you can possibly think of had been broken in a masterpiece, but that doesnt make it a bad rule. Mersault is a bland, boring character, but that doesnt give every beginner writer an excuse to write bland, boring characters just because Camus did it well, because Becky Beckerson does not have Camus' chops and her erotic vampire novel is not The Stranger.

Adverbs arent even that bad. Adverbs are not like Palestinians who need to be bombed until not a single survivor is left. The problem is beginner writers use adverbs instead of writing actual prose.
>He walked home.
>"How do I convey he's sad?" thinks the pleb author.
>He walked home sadly.
>"Perfect."
And maybe "he walked home sadly" works in some minimalist context, where his sadness has been firmly established, and the author wants it to be understated to show a sort of shell shocked feeling. But in most cases, "sadly" is not enough, and it's avoiding the heavy lifting of telling a story. And then you have 300 pages of
>He ate happily.
>He gingerly poked her.
>He cautiously whispered.
>Angirly, he lashed out.
>He said dumbly.
>She said sexily.
>Joyously, she ran into his arms.
Does this author know what emotions are? Are they capable of comveying them without taking an -ly to them? Can we linger on a feeling for more than a single sentence? It just comes across as lazy.