It had snowed lightly in the night and her frozen hair was gold and crystalline and her eyes were frozen cold and hard as stones. One of her yellow boots had fallen off and stood in the snow beneath her. The shape of her coat lay dusted in the snow where she’d dropped it and she wore only a white dress and she hung among the bare gray poles of the winter trees with her head bowed and her hands turned slightly outward like those of certain ecumenical statues whose attitude asks that their history be considered. That the deep foundation of the world be considered where it has its being in the sorrow of her creatures.

>>24531571 (OP)
>and and and and
I fucking hate this, when I write I do it all the time, how do I avoid it?

>>24531653
Just keep saying and over and over, people will pretend it's intelligent like they do with McCarthy and his punctuation nonsense

>>24531657
Very clever anon

>>24531571 (OP)
You used "snow" back to back.

Bump

>>24531653
There are so many ways I don't even know where to start.

>>24531571 (OP)
A good opening overall but I still can't reconcile myself to the jarring "gold . . . cold" rhyme in the first sentence. Hard to believe it was simply carelessness. People take special care with opening lines; he must have meant it to be like that. I don't get it though.

>>24533569
He was old and getting senile and rushed them both out to get the advance. Or his agent did. Avoids that whole Harper Lee unpleasantness

>>24531571 (OP)
I'm just saying an ecumenical statue would probably not ask history to be considered because it would reopen some wounds

>>24531571 (OP)
Ok but what's the point.

>>24531571 (OP)
cringe

It had snowed frozen snow in the night and now the snow in her hair was frozen and one of her boots was stiffly frozen and had fallen into the snow that had frozen beneath her in the snow

>>24531653
;

>>24531571 (OP)
>It had snowed lightly in the night and her frozen hair was gold and crystalline and her eyes were frozen cold
frozen...frozen. On edit passes, I'll play with seeing which "frozen" to change. Also, "it had snowed lightly". In general, avoid words that end in "ly". I'd let that one "ly" fly, but... the and and and thing is ruining the flow.

Her eyes were solid stones but her hair was delicate crystal, such that one might brush the back of their hand over one but not through the other. A yellow boot stood starkly upright in the slush beneath her so that it seemed still worn by an invisible woman; behind, the lump of her coat pooled like a noonday shadow dusted in last night's snow. She hanged among the bare grey poles of the trees in winter and about her stiff form hung a dress dyed white by its creator or otherwise. This linen too had turned to rock in the night and the collective ensemble drew to mind certain ecumenical statues of old masters who considered that the foundation of the world had its being in the sorrow of her creatures.

>>24539281
Which writer's style?

His indulgences are redeemed by the fact that he trafficked a 16 year old runaway to Mexico under the guise of ethical ambiguity.

When I was young I read his long bounded sentences, that rose from the physical to the conceptual and finally cresting at the religious and I was very impressed. These days I can no longer make that leap.

>>24539422
unironically me