Theme Requirement:

Wrestling with the tension of opposites.

Character Requirement:

Must include a religious fanatic


THE COMPETITORS


YAKUB2025 !21skGtio1A - https://rentry.co/YAKUB2025


NMNKLT - https://rentry.co/7grnz3wz


torus !uE8I5FETHI - https://rentry.co/whoholyfools


ineptia !!/7cMliSCHvi - https://rentry.co/QED_by_ineptia


subtractingthethree !Tegn1XdAno - https://rentry.co/subtractingthethree


meteor !9HyhcY5dDQ - https://rentry.co/ruvas6sv


Momus Momus!W4fdl.SaKQ - https://rentry.co/imr7crqw

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The strawpoll will be released when submissions close. You will then have until next Friday 11th Midday GMT to read, vote and most importantly CRITIQUE

VOTING CLOSES:

FRIDAY MIDDAY UTC (not GMT)

CRITIQUES SO FAR:

by NMNKLT:
>>24523950

This is some great world building at the very beginning. Seems like you have a clear vision of this ancient place in your mind and the story starts from a strong visual place that gives the reader a visceral sense of belonging to it.

As the story progresses, I was very impressed by the build up in tension, the setting of the stakes and wanting to know what will happen next. Sometimes a back and forth conversation can be dry, but little details, like,

>"Of course." She folded her hands, the chains settling with a small sound. "Though I wonder what brings the author of Principia to question a coiner. Perhaps his... other pursuits."

>"Perhaps." She examined the shafts of light falling across the floor. "Though it seems wasteful. To destroy knowledge for the sake of... what? These little discs of metal?"

Keep us grounded in reality while still allowing the main ideas to flow. The actual tempting knowledge, the actions which will produce this forbidden state are impressive in esoteric detail. I have no idea what this means:

>"Then comes the washing," she continued. "Seven times, like Naaman in the Jordan. Each time the black lightens. Gray, then white, like ash becoming salt. But the secret--" She paused. "The secret is patience. The fire must be gentle. Too hot and the matter rebels, turns red too soon, becomes false cinnabar instead of true stone. The white must come slowly, like dawn after the longest night."

but I believe it is true to their own world and very believable. The story feels like a clear coherent vision of what you wanted to say. The only criticism, if I can even call it that, is the ending where Newton turns his back, and says no to the great calling. Maybe this works in a longer piece, where he eventually does, give in to the prohibited call of science, but it just feels a little damp, to raise such an issue, and then snub it and end on that note. An alternate end where he accepts her offer could be highly entertaining but either way. Great work.

by NMNKLT:

>>24530224
>https://rentry.co/QED_by_ineptia

It feels like you wrote the story you wanted. Even though I didn’t fully understand it all, but this was a coherent stylistic choice which I respect. The overly verbose wording and line spacing works together well. However, at moments I lost the plot and had to reread multiple times and even look up words.

A suggestion is make the first 3 paragraphs clearer, or when action switches, to a new event or concept. Also, is the spacing exactly how you want? Seems fun to play around with, instead of two lines make it three, or several longer paragraphs. You will filter some readers with writing such a unique piece but perhaps gain a lot more who love this kind of work.

These are some passages I felt were very imagistic and strong.

>The point shot past hosts of conic ranges, billowed over shimmering arrays, and needle-holed through looming tessellations of staggering intricacy.

>After only a couple dozen iterations of trying to occupy it, the locus half-collapsed from the point’s heat and strength, and then the point was truly with and without place—the coordinate was still there, but at the same time it wasn’t

>>24523232

The writing is very good in this one, it feels like you expand on smaller ideas to give the reader a bigger picture in a way that unfolds naturally.

Despite being unfamiliar with this world, I am drawn in through clear writing like this.

>The bell sounds at three. It is hewn from the barrel of a great forest tree and its sound carries through the blackness, waking the sleepers and those beyond sleep. I wake and make water and moult from my dream and stand before the door of my kuti and watch the white electric torchlight of the monks as they trace the procession of sulphuric lamps that hangs above the stair.

And once again, very good visual narrating of our place with small touches to make it real.

>In the back of the great candlelit hall I take my appointed place amongst the other novices and foreigners. Above our mats mosquito nets hang from hooks like wedding dresses. At the front of the hall sits a massive statue in dull gold and before it our figures in long broken rows like lesser reflections.

I enjoyed the rising tension of the gunshots and the base, it gives a sense of menace to the story and keeps me entertained that something terrible will happen. The ending is tricky for me, because you clearly have a plan of some kind and it feels like you bring everything full circle, but what exactly happened? Do I just not know enough about Burmese Buddhism to “get it.” Overall though extremely clear and strong writing is your strength.

>>24530121 (You)
This feels a bit too meandering of a free write but there are some very strong visuals and moments throughout, and is an interesting short read.
>It's a marriage without a baby. It's boobies without the motorboating mouth. It's a door and a lock without a key. It's the left and right brain without the holy split down the middle. It's the idea and the execution but without the other to make sense of it. Heaven and hell, okay,
Another nice bit of writing, and tension, a lot unsaid here
>No, the scars are on the inside of my thigh, not my wrists but anything below the waist father can't bring himself to talk about.
The ending ties is together
>I have placed the key in the keyhole so his eye cannot see through the hole.
As if they are rivals, but I think some advice would be to introduce the father as an antagonist earlier, set him up as a rival so the ending hits even harder.

>>24527051
>https://rentry.co/imr7crqw

Obviously short, but I don't think it needs to be much longer as it works well for what it tries to do.

Not much else to say here, funny, with a ton of references that a layperson won't get but in any case, the catholic poets with with a sense of humor have something to look forward to.

>>24530265

This story was wild! I am unused to reading this kind of, 3rd person stories that explain events and concepts spanning long amounts of time. However It’s very creative.The parts that really stood out to me, were when it mixed itself into the realm of human feelings, and when the complicated idea was unleashed into the world.

>Droyd remembered the city vividly, and he was proud to be returning to the place of his defeat in such magnificent strength. However, he was oppressed by a melancholy that the fent could not entirely wash from his veins. He was about to tear open a scar that had only recently healed.
And
>The young man broke into tears, partly on account of seeing Droyd for the first time, and partly because it was the first time he had ever been hit, and he had just noticed blood on his white shirt.

This was my favorite part, has a great amount of natural flow.
>he pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth, but, before he could make a sound, everything he had been taught, every promise he had made, every opinion he had formed, the words of his parents, his daily prayers, burst into his mind like a flash flood tearing every thought out of his head. The torrent of his faith smashed repeatedly into Droyd’s iron command, which rang in his head. He stood there with his mouth half open.

The ending summed it up nicely bringing it all back. Once again very creative, if I had any feedback, it would be to come to the story of Perry earlier and drop back on the exposition, as I think it goes on a tad too long as a concept that can better be explained through human interactions where I feel the stakes are high and I’m invested.

Critiques by YAKUB2025 !21skGtio1A

>>24530369
I liked the story as a whole, I liked the classic young man at sea, being twisted into something quite unique. I thought some of the sentences were clumsy. For example:

>At last night’s dinner, I guess the only one where everyone was unburned and I wasn’t the chef, Jean Ogamu asked me: “why you working if you attend College?”

I don't think the sentence between the commas does anything important here, and it weighs the sentence down.

Another thing I noticed:

>This morning Jean Ogamu’s big face leaned in close to my hungover body and said: “Breakfast Brian,” in the deep and breathy way that only people from Africa talk, “You don’t want to miss.” I take one step.

This feels out of place because it comes in the middle of a paragraph that is in the present tense, and I feel like it would have made more sense at the beginning of the paragraph, since it refers to when he woke up, which was presumably just a few moments ago, I'm not sure why you would start with his thoughts after he woke up, and then cut back to what just woke him up. I do love your description of the breathy african though, it is very accurate

I'm also not sure about ending on the sunset, I think ending on the cheering would have been better. The sunset seems a bit out of place as an ending note.

also in this sentence
>At last night’s dinner, I guess the only one where everyone was unburned and I wasn’t the chef, Jean Ogamu asked me: “why you working if you attend College?”
I think you can say "everyone was unburned and I was still a deck hand" I think "wasn't the chef" in this sentence does not flow so nicely

Critiques by YAKUB2025 !21skGtio1A
>>24530224
This one filtered me. I didn't really like it, and most of it was hard for me to follow and get through. My favorite moments were the descriptions of speed, and also the ending, which I also didn't fully get. I just didn't understand what was going on for the first third, and i think it is interesting to create a chaotic impression, to have the writing feel in flux, but I think there must be a way to clarify it more while keeping that effect. I am mixed on the separation of each line. I think it works for conveying jolts of energy, but I'm not sure why it is used for the entire thing. Although I didn't follow for much or it and didn't really like it, I think I can see what you are going for in general, and I think it is an compelling and ambitious idea, so I respect the attempt, perhaps others will enjoy it more

>>24523232
I thought this was great. I felt well immersed in the atmosphere, and I think the tone and ideas were engaging. The climax came as a bit of a surprise to me. If that is what you intended, fair enough, but I can imagine some more tension and struggle being useful for the story. I especially liked the descriptions of bodies and decomposition

almost got-got

let's hope this stays alive while I sleep.

more critiques coming tomorrow.