Thread 24843472

hizdahr zo loraq edition

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old: >>24822405

SOMEBODY WRITE A FANFICTION BEFORE I PISS MYSELF!

>/grrm/

gay reprobates reading mediocrity

GRRM really has written his books to be re-read after you know every tragic twist.
>pic related

Are the Kingsguard the most overrated fighters in history? Fraud of the morning and the rest of the KG got folded by a bunch of nobodies and a midget. Most overrated entity in the 7K

>>24843475
Preston Jacobs is on it
>>24843548
To me king's guard doesn't make any sense. Why would any noble be part of it?
For example Tudor guard was Yeomen of the Guard. The yeomen themselves were social rank between a peasant and a knight.

Daenerys is going to be absolutely despised once she reaches Westeros. Her army consists of former slaves (and with unsullied, how can they even stop being slaves if they've been trained for such unwavering obedience?) and Dothraki, who are good for nothing except raping and pillaging.
And in her entourage she's going to Victarion, who will be despised by the Westermen and Northmen (and even the Ironborn for being a sore loser), Tyrion, known kin- and kingslayer and Jorah Mormont, slaver and overall pathetic failure.
Sure, she has three dragons, but those will only make her feared rather than liked, and they were born through a blood sacrifice, which will offend the Faith of the Seven.
So if Aegon will have taken King's Landing by the time she arrives, why should anyone rise for the Queen of Slaver's Bay?

>>24843591
She’s pretty much Sauron, once she invades Westeros she loses all pretense of being a good person. She’s pretty much going to doom Westeros into another cycle of violence. It’s why he should’ve made her more ruthless like he initially planned.

Honestly she’s going to win the thrown easily, but depending on how she disposes of Aegon she will be reviled by the Westerosi. She will probably be subject to scheming day one. Honestly the show angle of people preferring Jon as their choice once things come to light might actually be true.

>>24843560
>Preston Jacobs is on it
He is also bald.

>>24840825
>He even loved her toes. One night she'd let him rub her feet and play with them, and he'd made up a funny tale for every >toe to keep her giggling.
I'm a footfag and even I can't help but feel a little cringe
Based Martin
>>24840875
>what asoiaf character has the cutest feet
Margaery. I like to imagine her toes are painted green. That she has cute and sexy flower shaped ornaments on her feet and toes. Maybe an ankle bracelet or two...
>>24842713
>Should probably jump on the first Summer Islander or whatever exotic cock she could see first. Lyanna is like those poor slavic girls that become whores the moment they are exposed to the outer world.
True. She'd probably give it up for Strong Belwas. What a slut.

>marrying your brother, sister, cousin, aunt or uncle
>aww you're sweet
>marrying your father or mother
>hello, human resources?
lol, lmao even

>>24843709
And increasingly insane.

>>24843560
It was a way to make your personal guard composed solely of people whom you trusted, who had, theoretically, no private interests (can't inherit, can't marry, can't have children), and their entire career revolves around keeping you alive (so no Praetorian Guard situation).

>>24843492
Yeah, that bitch getting resurrected was pretty tragic.

According to George the most misunderstood character is Melisandre. According to numerous actors, including the actress herself, Melisandre is “four-hundred years old”, and four-hundred years ago is when the Doom occurred.

>>24843956
She can't be misunderstood because he never finished the shitty books. She is nothing more than a half baked piece of shit.

>>24843846
Aegon IV fucked Jeyne Lothston, who was likely his daughter, so it's not like it never occurred to them.
Although the relationship that feels the most incestious in asoiaf isn't even a Targaryen marriage, it's the love triangle between Littlefinger, Sansa/Alayne and Sweetrobin.

>>24843472 (OP)
My personal theory is that aerys ii was a normal fella until duskendale and all his nonsense before it was tywin and pycelle gaslighting the realm into thinking he was crazy so tywin could dispose of him once he'd convinced the king to wed cersei and rhaegar. Once that was done, he could use all the "craziness" to frame an assassination as the king doing something stupid and dying because of it and then the Lannisters would have control over the throne.

>>24843472 (OP)
Walk with me, my sweet summer child, and hear the tale of fat pink masts jutting into sopping wet myrish swamps and black nipples brushing against silk until her cunt became the world while in the privy the princess guzzled arbor gold and shat but the more she drank the more she shat until she was shitting brown water and around her the planks of the ship groaned like a fat man taking a shit while she cursed the gods and nuncle smiled as he broke his fast on black bread, bacon burned black, and mulled wine while capon-grease dribbled down his chin and onto the boiled leather of his jerkin for she was wet with love and did she not know words are wind and dark wings bring dark words and a lannister always pays her debts and mayhaps this is nothing but a mummers farce and useless as nipples on a breastplate and the princess has been fucking lancel and moonboy for all nuncle knows and he is the blood of the dragon for the night is dark and full of terrors but where do whores go and jon snow knows nothing and near enough makes no matter so nuncle smiled and dipped the heel of his bread into clam chowder and prayed for half a hundred more heh har HODOR

>>24844016
Nah Targaryens are just retarded and mentally ill because of incest

>>24844328
Oh I'm not denying that he had a few screws loose, I'm just saying that Tywin took advantage of his eccentricities and the Targaryen reputation to further his political agenda by making aerys appear worse than he originally was.

>>24843472 (OP)
>hizdahr zo loraq edition

>>24843848
>It was a way to make your personal guard composed solely of people whom you trusted

Sure, but the way GRRM sets it up, pretty nobody would want to be in the Kings Guard.

> no lands and titles = understandable
> no marriage and heirs = understandable
> no sex = yeah, nah
> no apparent income = no thanks
> live in a tiny prison cell = fuck that
> be a noble but serve like a peasant = fuck that also

Now if the Kings Guard were something like a Joints Chiefs of Staff with political power and a place on the Small Council, who traveled around Westeros with a retinue carrying out the king's orders and commanded his military forces and lived in luxury, with each having a nice apartment in the Red Keep and were allowed to keep a mistress, then ok but otherwise, you're better off serving some lesser noble lord.

>>24843475
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGya5lW6YWQ

A new chappy dropped yesterday, brother.

>>24844634
>A new chappy dropped yesterday, brother.

Is there a text/pdf version of this?

>>24844634
I like how IRL he is losing his mind.

>>24844634
>“Mining was the slowest of crafts”
Grim. Preston needs an editor over the age of 30

>>24844637
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-LFjTnaCmXwbMHTNjP-cs8p1Jfcol4Ef/view
>already at 500 pages

He might actually finish before George, which unfortunately, I guess is no longer a feat.

>>24844649
Preston is much more of an insane leftist than GRRM. Is that reflected in his fanfic?

>>24844655
>Is that reflected in his fanfic?
>is obsessed with a male child
You tell me.

>>24844756
who cars lol

>>24844756
Yeah, I like the story but GRRMs world building is kinda weak under scrutiny. It’s mostly because of his gardener approach to writing.

>>24844835
For me it's weak because it's generic as fuck, nothing else.

I heard George is dressing up as an active writer for Halloween

>>24844930
Fitting considering the thought of him writing anything is complete make believe.

>>24844659
I don't trust any adults that says they like Bluey, I don't care if they have kids themselves that's just a signal of mental illness

preston is a gay pedophile

>>24844756
What does it say about society that this hack's next book is like the most awaited book ever?

Stannis is so fucking stupid

>>24845728
Not good enough. Try harder next time.

>>24843472 (OP)
Folks say GRRM writes women well, but Catelyn is the worst.
>"Jon, it should have been you"
Indicates how poisonous a person she is, it goes far beyond hating Jon
>starts War of Five Kings by kidnapping Tyrion
>lets Jaime go
Arguably, Sansa and Arya are not worth one Jaime, and they have all the leverage.
Besides, what did she think was going to happen? She sent Brienne marching through a war field, full of people who are eager to kill Jaime, or capture him, so they can ransom him back to Tywin.
>kills Walder Frey's wife out of spite

>>24846218
Actually, DID YOU KNOW, IN THE BOOKS, Catelyn doesn't kill Walder's wife? She actually kills his grandson, Aegon Frey, also called Jinglebell. He was retarded.

>>24846218
>Woman does bad and or stupid thing
>He isn't good at writing women
Anon-kun...that means he's very good at writing them. Which is funny since he is a feminist. He subconsciously gets them.
>>24846273
Kek. I love it when that retard quotes a character, forgets to indicate he stopped quoting them, then says "like favourite and subscribe!"

>>24844756
Yeah, the winter part is definitely true. To add to this, the way they preserve their food for winter as described in ADWD is bullshit, it would all go bad. With those long winters there shouldn't be any lords and castles in the North at all. Maybe a few bands of nomadic reindeer-herders.

>>24845728
Yup, Stannis could’ve unironically won if he had any political acumen. Sadly that is the life of a second son.

>be born 12 AC
>mother hands me a sword before the wet-nurse
>grow up watching father roast kingdoms like Sunday dinner
>Aegon dies, faggot brother Aenys inherits
>guy’s idea of strength is a firm handshake
>Faith Militant starts bitching while Aenys marries his kids to cousins
>train and ride Balerion young
>marry Ceryse Hightower
>ten years, no kids
>septon says “curse,” I say “boring”
>Aenys dies, realm fractures faster than his spine
>mother crowns me with Blackfyre, Faith screams “usurper” when I’m the only one with a dragon parked on the roof
>exile Jaehaerys and Alyssa to Dragonstone
>Faith arms peasants, calls them Warrior’s Sons lmao
>they murder Lord Tully in his bed
>fly Balerion over King’s Landing, give sept on Rhaenys’s Hill a sunroof
>turn it into a crater
>Proctor of Oldtown demands trial by seven, accept and bring six friends and Dark Sister
>fight on the Visenya bridge, seven vs seven, only I walk off
>lords still rebel
>send ravens: “kneel or burn”
>most kneel, some burn
>marry Tyanna of Pentos, rumor says she cuts out stillborn hearts (hot)
>Red Keep construction lags
>motivational speech: “finish walls or become part of them”
>Faith keeps hiding in hills, play whack-a-septon with dragonfire
>execute High Septon in front of Great Sept
>smallfolk call it tyranny (fags)
>marry Alys Harroway, finally get a pregnancy
>Tyanna says it’s a monster, confesses poisoning wombs
>introduce her to Balerion’s barbecue
>execute Alys and family for treason
>marry three Black Brides same day because I want to
>lords swear fealty, break it, swear again
>complete Red Keep
>sit on Iron Throne, wake up with my wrists slit and throat opened
smallfolk cheer, Jaehaerys returns with PR team
>history writes “Maegor the Cruel,” leaves out the part where realm stayed in one fucking piece

Maegor the Cool did literally nothing wrong and anyone who says otherwise is a shill for the (((Septons)))

>>24846494
>>24846498
HOLY BASED TOWERS COULD NEVER

>>24844756
>spacebattles

>>24846218
That's how women are IRL, always fucking shit up and making bad situations worst. Look at Cersei as well. Classic women moments.

>>24846498
>>24846535
MaegACK the Cuck was impotent. His line was deemed unworthy by the old gods and the new.

>>24847130
it's really stupid, what wa she even doing?
You'd think she would want to be with Bran after he woke up, but nope, she does random stuff in the south.
I really don't think she cared about Brann that much on individual level.

>>24847140
She was the nineties equivalent of the girlboss Sarah Connor type. Instead of attending to her crippled son she decided to arrested the scion of a Major Noble house while her husband and daughters are basically in their custody. I really questioned what she thought was going to happen when word of Tyrion getting kidnapped got to Tywin, the guy famous for crushing his own banner men and sacking King's Landing.

>>24847139
>MaegACK the Cuck was impotent. His line was deemed unworthy by the old gods and the new.
>doesn't provide a first hand source
Towers used to try

>>24847181
It's pretty insane how bad things were going befoe Robb's arrivial.
>Edmure captured
>Entire Tully army annihilated
>Riverrun two days away from capture

>>24847193
> erm source for that chud
CHADnys had six trueborn children, Quegor has six wives. The seed was weak with Quegor.

>>24847230
Maegor couldn't help it, his infertility was due to his Arryn blood

>>24847294
Haha, every king of True Valyrian stock has been fruitful, even that fat fuck Aegon IV.

>Tower concedes defeat
Many such cases

>>24847318
The only one who conceded defeat was GAYgor when he slit his wrists like a craven instead of fighting to the bitter end. Bittersteel would never

>>24847216
Tully blood is a bit retarded.

Master of Ships: Victarion Greyjoy
Master of Coin: Mace Tyrell
Master of Whispers: Bloodraven or Bran
Master of Laws: Roose Bolton
Hand of the King: Kevan Lannister
Lord Commander of the Kingsguard: Barrister Selmy

How long does my reign last?

>>24847338
Your only problem is Victarion, I don't think he's smart enough to run custom houses and deal with merchants.
Smugglers, pirates and battles? He's your man.

Roose is great, he's gonna give you a peaceful land, a quiet people.

>>24847338
>Victarion Greyjoy
Would actually be useful as a commander if you could depend on him to be loyal, if not he makes for a great hostage if the ironniggers revolt
>Mace Tyrell
Genuinely too retarded to do the job well, but it would be fine if he just claimed the empty title and dumped the work on a relative or vassal
>Bloodraven
Would kill your entire family if it helped fulfill prophecy, more dangerous than Varys or Littlefinger
>Bran
Good kid, if he stayed like that and developed his greenseer powers he would be the best spymaster a king could ask for, his sense of morality might get in the way, but would also prevent him from murdering you
>Roose Bolton
Just so long as he doesn't flay anyone he might be fine, he'd know better than to act like when he hanged the Winterfell squatters if he was in King's Landing during peace time
>Kevan Lannister
Loyal, smart and not too ambitious. He would make an ideal hand, but all the members of this council are such strong personalities that he might struggle to keep them in line
>Barristan Selmy
Still one of the best knights of the realm even in his old age and he's loyal to the king, no matter who that it, ideal candidate

>>24847338
Mace is retarded and easily subverted, Victarion is retarded and will not be good for trade. Bloodraven is a subversive greenseer who will take blunt violent actions if he deems it in service of his visions regardless of your own reign. Roose Bolton is a straight up psychopath and only Kevan and Barristan are the only one that can be relied on.

The best case scenario is that Bloodraven deems your reign or at least your line necessary to his plans if not he will just engineer a scenario where your line is extinguished and the small council has a good enough mix of retards and psychos for Bloodraven to start shit with.

>>24844756

I'd suggest GRRM has quietly abandoned the idea of multi-years-long-winters, which he initially saw as a neato element at first but then realized everything would go extinct if this was the actual climate of Planetos.

>>24847448
I mean yeah, unless this generational winters where mild and had breaks everybody would die. I am pretty modern society would collapse if we had a 30 year winter as described by the books.

>>24847483
Is there a lamer 'Great' House in Westeros than the Tully's, the only two of any value was Edmure and Blackfish and they were pushed out by the retards.

>>24847520
>>24847907
>Did you know that Blackfish is actually hecking lgbtqia+? This is like pretty much confirmed by him having no wife or known lovers as well as the most likely explanation for him and Hosters fractious relationship being Hosters raging homophobia and that causing Blackfish to leave and be queer all over the Riverlands! Thanks for the gold, king stranger! Wow this popped off, my boyfriend is currently struggling to pay for top surgery so if you could spare a couple dollaridoos it would be most appreciated. #freepalestine. I'm transgender btw.

>>24848143
This will be canon in the Reboot in 2030

>>24847483
Honestly, I feel like GRRM feels Caitlyn is justified in everything she does.

>>24848655
GRRM is a feminist, he probably thinks Bobby B is a worst person than Cersei.