We get a lot of news here — fake news, real news, boring news, (j)ews, but how about, YOUS!! That’s right we want to know your news! I’ll start

>today, i got bad skids in my Calvin kleins!

Now YOU!

>>507130425 (OP)
In an expected turn of events, life continues on its usual course across several key global locations.

Here's the latest on the state of affairs:
>Israel: Nothing is happening.
>Iran: Nothing is happening
>Russia: Nothing is happening.
>Ukraine: Nothing is happening.
>USA: Nothing is happening.

Military officials with the military say it is possible "nothing will happen imminently".

Stay tuned for live updates from our anons on the ground.

>>507131382
UPDATE:
Israel says they wont do shit

>>507131450
Anonymous sources within the Intelligence community now claim that Nothing will happen. When asked when the public might expect this to take place, they confirmed
>two more weeks

>>507131521
BREAKING NEWS: the head of the Collective of Inactive World Citizens now says there is an imminent possibility that nothing might be happening BEFORE two more weeks. When asked how long we might know for certain about the altered deadline of two more weeks, he calmly reassured this reporter
>Two More Weeks

>>507131575
And now for a story from the lighter side of things not happening, we go to a celebration planning committy for people Happening to have lost Cancer. They are spreading awareness about the spontaneous and unexplained rise in cancer dissappearances which seem to happen every Fortnight. When asked about the advertisements for their campaign, the chairwoman confirmed the billboard title
>Tumor Weeks

>>507130425 (OP)
i farted so hard i think i shat my shorts a bit

>>507131689
Now for News from Across the Pond. Unbelievable stories are about to come out about something which has yet to happen. Confidential sources close to this, as yet untranspired event Now claim that Nothing already happened, and nothing is expected to happen, as Nothing Has happened. A spokesperson gave gave the remarks from inside their mother's kitchen over a warm plate of Chicken Tendies, while being addressed by their psuedonym
>Toůumer weèķś

>>507131521
>>507131450
>>507131382
Very informative anon, with this work you’ll soon be promoted to running your own team!

>>507131767
We interrupt this broadcast for an update to an earlier report. The reports of cancer's demise have been greatly exaggerated. We now go live
>this is Anon on the scene here at the cancer awareness planning commity with me is the committy chairwoman. Chairwoman, perhaps you's better explain.
>thank you Anon. Earlier reports about cancer disappearances happening have in fact not happened, and cancer is back. Which is to say
>something has in fact not happened, but instead Nothing has happened?
>I can now confirm that nothing has happened
>what the status of the awareness event?
>oh, well we still expect to spread awareness of Nothing Happening at Tumor Weeks in Two more weeks

>>507131737
See this is what happened to me

Pane, subtus tinctus my shit

>>507131859
Cue commercial break . . .
>PNN is brought to you by
(A somber setting in a bedroom as a disappointed woman looks at a frustrated man)
>Is something Happening
Hapless man knods
>have you ordered from other pill companies, only to be told two more weeks
Woman exclaims
>there's got to be another way
>well now you we are pleased to offer Nothing Happening in as little as two more Weeks
Second commercial. An old mutt man in a cowbow hat. As the translucent kekistani flag waves sofly in the background as a filter over the rolling hills of kekistan
>I was there. I was told that something Nothing was happening. And I done my duty to the flag! Now it feels like nothing happening can't come soon enough
Narrator cuts in
Evey day thousands of Anons like this face a kekistan that has forgotten them, and forgotten that sometimes the hardest Things Happening take Two More Weeks. But for the small one time gift of nothing happening, you can give anons like Anon here two more weeks.
Anon with mud on his face, digging in filth like a godless Poojeet animal.
>Thanks to anons like you contributing nothing every two weeks, i only have to wait two more weeks!
Narrator in cowboy hat
So from all of us
>thanks for Nothing
Dirty kids on phones
>thanks for nothing
The kekistani flag imposes over the whole screen as a 1-800 number to nigerian scammer looms large
>Thanks to Anons like you, we can all enjoy nothing happening in two more weeks

>>507131944
3rd commercial. Patriotically arranged rendition of the theme from dragonball Z plays
>Kekistan is a land of autism, and plenty where nothing ever happens. Our founder, Hebadia H Kekingruber once claimed that even when something happens, it doesn't. But now our heritage of nothing is threatened by the possibility of Something happening. Join the kekistani legionaires, so that future generations may knownthe comfort of nothing ever happening. Recruitment begins in two more weeks

>>507132052
You needed this outlet anon, I’m pleased for you. I’m listening intently

>>507132052
End commercial break
>And now a heart felt tribute to an Anon.
>Anon was the sort who worked hard at nothing, clocking in every day at the nothing plant. He was a pillar of the community, who made sure that nothing ever happened. Those close to him claimed that he lived frugally on his wages of nothing, and survived on chicken tendies. His life's work, of perfecting Nothing Happening was scheduled to be unveiled in two more weeks. A public memorial to remember the life of Anon, during and after which Nothing will happen, is currently scheduled in Two More Weeks

>>507130425 (OP)
after all, it was all true..

https://www.israelhayom.com/2025/04/23/bottom-of-darkness-children-raped-in-ritual-ceremonies-expose-the-horrors/

once again, /pol/ was always right

>>507132282
>>507132335
Analogue computer diodes light up on computers from 1953. Tape reels spin and three men in corduroy suits with unwashed faces and long hair sit on mid century modern lounge chairs in a tv studio.
>welcome back to Nothing Ever Happens. The show where we discuss the things currently not happening.
>Nothing is said to be happening currently and some spectators are asking
>no no, nothing ever happens. This rumour of nothing happening is just another diversion from the happening lobby to distract people for two more weeks
>two more weeks? If this body doesn't stop and make sure Nothing happens in two more weeks we may not have two more weeks
>nothing is going to happen in two more weeks. Nothing ever happens in two more weks
>two more weeks? Until what? Until nothing happens
>well nothing ever happens.
>gentlemen, cant there be any common ground?
>what so that "something" can happen?
>nothing ever happens
> there you go again, next you'll tell me to check back in two more weeks.
>that's all the time we have today for Nothing ever happens, please tune in to our next scheduled program in two more weeks

>>507132503
Commercial Break
Announcer for Insurance commercial. An anon steps off a filthy metro bus where a pack of poos is hitting eachother with sticks.
>life can be pretty complicated. Sometimes it feels as though nothing ever happens. But in two more weeks nothing happens.
Cuts to an inexplicable Female 4chan user. She is 130 years old
>Many years ago, things were just so much simpler. Nothing was happening, we thought it would go on like that for two more weeks and then before you knew it, nothing would happen all over again. But now it's been two more weeks and I find out that in two more Ill only have two more weeks until two more weeks. Im wonder more and more if maybe nothing will ever happen.
Announcer
>make sure that in two more weeks nothing will ever happen. With our term policy, and professional staff of NEETs, you can be assured that nothing will ever happen. Terms start at Two weeks, and can even be tailor fit to your needs of two more weeks. From our anons to yours, we guarantee that nothing happens in as little as two more weeks

>>507132702
Movie trailer
>A quiet town
Footage of anons standing around
>they said nothing would ever happen
Panning footage of anons sleeping out on the geound in the middle of traffic
>then one day
A man driving a car with a red maple leaf bumper sticker
>their idealic lifestyle would be turned upside down
Cuts back to Leaf driving the car
>these anons have no idea the Happening about to come down on them
Narrator
>an unspeakable secret
Leaf standing in the park, facing the whole town
> you're all about to witness nothing happening in two weeks. Yeeeeehhaaaaw
Narrator
Coming in two more weeks

>>507130425 (OP)
>And now to fren with a update on the state of communications.
TOO MANY NON FRENS ON PHONES
ADVERTS A SHIT
MORE FUNNY CAT DAYS, over.
>That was fren with communications, over.

>>507132865
>Remember the good 'ol days?
Guitar cord strums
>nother ever ever ever ever happens. They say to wait just two more weeks.
Announcer
>the anon that inspired a generation
Music
>well ive been waiting since the last two weeks for my two more weeks
>i done gave that boss man my two and and he asked me for muh two more weeks
In the style of James brown
>go on wicha two more weeks, hey baby two more, talkin bout muh two moooooh, hit back a wicha two moo weeks
The romance
>in this life nothing evrr ever happens, and in two weeks, nothing happens again. But in two more weeks darling , i know absolutely ill wait two more weeks over you
Order your own copy of Anon's songs. Operators are standing by to take your order, which will be available for shipment in two more weeks

>>507133059
Apu sits in his lounge chair. As chicken tendies roast over the open flames filling the room with smoke and hot embers
>anons. Welcome to another edition of nothing happens literary hour where we review the things which don't take place in literature. Last week, we discussed the themes of hope and redemption in Cormac Mccarthy's Blood Meridian.
Cormac mcCarthy is a titan of literature, writing such drab irrelivancies as all the pretty horses and the Road, which catagorically demonstrate the weight of nothing ever happening and it's effect on the modern nihilist. Tonight we consider of Mice and Men, and the implications of the false hope of something happening in a world where nothing ever happens
We begin with the words of Lenny
>the pup made like to bite me, and I made like to hit him and I done it.
>don't worry, he's just a mutt. The country's full of mutts
Cuts back to the Apu with cigar
>yes. The country is full of mutts
The psychological impact of (((Stienbeck))) telling us that nothing will ever happen permits us to imagine, here in the 21st century where happenings continue to never happen, what it must have been like to live in utter squalor, and a near white ethnostate, but still to endure the dishonor and indignity of nothing ever happening
Tune in for the chilling conclusion in two more weeks

>>507133483
Next time on Anon Investigates. Nothing continues to happen in the most explosive two week event since the lst two week event. Our Anons dare ask the questions no one else dares to ask
>when will something happen?
>are things currently happening?
>When can we expect another two weeks?
At PNN, anonymous news comes first.
>unverified sourses say
>anonymous witnesses claim
>unvetted rumors of impending happening delayed for two more weeks
PNN where nothing ever happens. With live updates in two more weeks

>>507133590
Welcome back to the happening game, the game where you guess what is happening and when to claim your prize.
Lightning round, and the last contestant, place your wager
>beep boop boop beep boop boop boop beep beep boo boop
Times up. Contestant number one your wager, and your answer
>Thank you Anon. I wagered my two weeks for the big prize of two more weeks.
>and your answer what "ever happens"?
>something
Buzzer sounds Wwwwaaaaggg
>I'm sorry anon. The correct answer is Nothing. Nothing ever happens. I'm afraid that's all the time we have. Thank you for playing. Thank you all for tuning in and Remember:
>Nothing ever happens.
Be sure to tune in next time, in two more weeks.

>>507133590
>rapturous applause

>>507133696
Commercial with Female anon, not unlike the cringe OF prostitutes being shilled in the ad bars.
>hey anon.
Sexy time music plays
>feeling like nothing ever happens? Apustaja rubs a chicken tendy across her face, smearing honey mustard everywhere and seductively inserts dry toast into her mouth.
>call me up in two more weeks. Let's see what happens, or what doesn't ever happen
She laughs and then brays like a donkey, her crooked teeth and bridgework obvious even in the dim lighting
>Ive been so lonely for someone to not be in the room with me, or to not have anything to say. Maybe we could look silently away from each other for a few hours, or ignore each other while focusing on our hobbies. I like to sharpen knives I buy at the thrift store. I don't know what ill do with them, I don't cook and I barely go outside. So lets get in contact, through text. Only time will tell if nothing will ever happen. Call me up in two more weeks

>And now a special presentation
What we never expected.....
>Cut to chuddah opening his eyes
From the twisted mind of gangbang coke fiend enthusiast Stephen King
>Cut to a newspaper with the headline "It's happening"
Directed by M Night Sarr-Benchod

>>507130425 (OP)
>BREAKING NEWS: NOTHING EVER HAPPENS