>33 wizard
>still live at home
>don't talk anymore
>not mute, just stopped
>everything I said either made things worse or was ignored

>try to wake up early sometimes
>but body won't let me anymore
>its been that way since the hospital
>too many years sedated
>don't remember how I got there
>now can barely stay awake longer than a few hours
>feels my final moments are near

>work on myself desperately maybe one or two hours a day through self care, coding for others, reading neuroscience, cleaning... enough to pretend I'm doing something then it's back to the same routine
>body starts to give up
>lights off
>fan on
>no sound

>vivid dreams every night
>walk through empty places and don't touch anything
>just drifting, wuthering, never thinking about it
>nothing stops me, nothing notices me

>sometimes something finds me
>the dream shifts, walls disappear, floor drops
>I don't walk into it, I just end up there
>dark hallway, no air, no sound
>then it opens, like the world itself tears
>void like eyes, giant mouth, hollow and endless
>it doesn't move
>it just pulls
>like it was always there, waiting behind me the entire time

>it drags me in
>not with force, just with finality
>I don't fight it
>screeches fill the dark, banshee like and loud
>starts to claws through my body
>pulls at nerves I forgot I had
>screams continue
>but it doesn't scare me
>just makes me want to stay longer

>I wake up screaming now and then
>but I don't mean to
>it's just my body reacting
>don't really care when it happens
>just falls back asleep

>wish i felt like someone was here
>like that thing in my dreams
>maybe its lonely and its crying for me
I think I'd let it stay, because it's the only thing that really gets me

>>81479493 (OP)
I wish I was a wizard. I had a few years of being a normalfag and it completely destroyed my life.

>>81479493 (OP)
i want to cuddle with you anon and tell you everything is going to be fine

Have you tried N-acetyl-cysteine yet? 1800mg per day for 2 weeks then reevaluate.

>>81479493 (OP)
I hope I can comfort people in their dreams when I leave this body. I would visit people like op who seem very lonely. I already know what I'll look like (it's picrel but don't worry i'm changing it up to avoid copyright) hopefully I'm allowed to do so.

>>81479493 (OP)
I would say you still have a duty to the world, to put your suffering into art if nothing else.

>>81479493 (OP)
i know my words dont matter much, but i genuinely hope you can find some happiness or at least relief from all the pain eventually, anon. like someone else said, if you can, try to put your suffering into a canvas and see what happens.

>>81479493 (OP)
OK loser keep being edgy and sorry for yourself

>>81479493 (OP)
Well written, anon :) When i read about the loneliness of others, i feel a little less alienated, like i have many friends i don't know next to me in the darkness. Thanks for sharing, please know that you too have many unseen, unheard companions in this cold world, whith whom you share your curse. I hope this eases your burden, friend :)