what do you think is the reason behind your loneliness? apart from looks or wealth. those are surface level negatives.
what flaws do you have on the inside? your personality, mind, soul?

>loneliness
Lole. Lole lmao.

>>81568921 (OP)
it's my autism and my height. 5'5"

>>81568921 (OP)
Latent trauma from abandonment and isolation at a young age.

Unfortunately it will probably never go away. Even when Im around people I often feel lonely

I never go outside and am too apathetic to harass women on the internet

>>81568962
>Latent trauma from abandonment and isolation at a young age.
sounds rough, anon. was it a parent? i don't know if i can relate that much. for me i guess it was parental neglect rather than whole abandonment.
>Even when Im around people I often feel lonely
same here

>>81568921 (OP)
I'm alone because she ghosted me, I already had abandonment issues before but this just made it way worse, it will undoubtedly cause problems in future relationships, I mean...assuming I'll ever be lucky enough to find another gf, probably won't happen

>>81568990
Yeah. I was homeschooled too so it cranked that up to eleven. Maybe abandonment isnt as apt aq term as soft abandonment. I still lived there but had to do everything myself and essentially raised my sister

>>81568921 (OP)
Trust issues, shame, strange lifestyle, unsociable, self-doubt, contentment with loneliness, emotionally distant, fear

>>81568921 (OP)
I honestly think that it's just bad looks and the things that come with it (like low self esteem for example).

I have friends, female friends even, and people want and like to hang out with me.
It's just that no matter how good my personality is, it will never make up for my looks. Women rather have me as a friend and avoid touching me.

>>81568921 (OP)
Everyone is boring. I feel absolutely nothing while interacting with most people.

>>81569075
>Everyone is boring.
tsmt
every irl friend of mine is a huge normie. especially if you live in a more uncultured country like a post communist european one, you're destined to have 99% normie friends.
unless you live in the capital
but then again, socializing isn't the thing for me. i would much rather have an online friend that i can truly speak to about my interest than a normie irl friend that only talks about sports and other boring stuff.

>>81569075
talking to women actually sounds terribly boring though. their interests are things like stuffed animals and the sims, how the fuck am I supposed to care about that after ive cranked my hog?

>>81568921 (OP)
loneliness itself, i think?
im a huge attentionwhore and im never satisfied, my desperation becomes so bad that i push people away or i get so annoying they start to treat me like shit.
i do constantly try to control myself but it doesnt really work.
i think controlling it even makes me seem distant initially so then eventually i fail and have this sudden change in behavior and shits fucked

>>81568921 (OP)
I feel like being a fat manlet can be overcome if I gave a shit. Losing weight and my face is decent enough.
The issues I have are 100% mental.

I was always an outcast mostly a target for abuse at school.
I was born premature and was malnourished during my early years, combine that with being 1 year younger than my school peers due to being born at just the last day of the "not assigned to next years class" group it was over.
I was constantly a head shorter skeleton. We were also mixed in with older kids all the time, no real supervision on school grounds. (Village)

I used to be quite cheerful and inquisitive, vivid fantasy and all, but I was hurt at home often, my mom did her best, but my dad... well two particular incidents pretty much killed me mentally.
One day 3 much older, twice my size boys were pretty much screwing with me and beating me up in the toilet.
As they were about to force me to basically suck one of them off I somehow managed to get out.
On the way out the largest one grabbed my head and smashed it into the wall with enough force to draw blood and break the outer layer of insulation.
Big scene... it was the end of the day so teachers (who also disliked me for no reason, I was already quiet as a mouse at the time) and the whole village worth of kids gathered.
They called my father who showed up on a bike and was mad AT ME for being such a bitch...
He loudly proclaimed the bullies to be heroes that should keep teaching me lessons.
Even the teachers were shocked.
I could never to this day overcome this sense of betrayal. I never expected much from him, but that was beyond that. It really killed me mentally.

He pulled a knife to my mothers throat many years later, before the divorce and me and my sister had to beg him not to kill her.
I was barely able to sleep and afraid of the dark until my mid 20s. Kept thinking each night that he would come kill us.

>>81569619
So basically this shaped me into a zombie that was hated at school forever, even in highschool because I just couldn't fit in ever no matter how hard I tried and eventually gave up.
Nobody cares if you are broken and at the time psychologists and memes like therapy didn't exist.
I'm 30 now and I'm not much better. Was NEET for a long time. Checked out from the world for the most part mentally to this day.
I even tried to socialize in my 20s trying to reinvent myself, talk to people form groups in college etc.
It just never works no matter what.
I always end up on the periphery in friend groups even if I introduce them to each other and form them myself.
I usually had like 1 close friend and no more throughout my life though some faded because I don't progress much in life, one ended up stabbing me in the back during my childhood (at around the same time the father incident occurred) luring me out to "play" and then the usual suspects were waiting to beat the shit out of me...
This was at a time where I shut myself in the whole summer to avoid them. (Again small village at the time.)

To be honest we are on /r9k/ and I should bitch about women, but throughout my life women never entered my mind to that degree.
I don't think I ever felt loved and the one time I had something resembling a relationship I broke it off myself because I just couldn't feel love towards her either.
To this day there is something very broken and skewed about my emotions.
I can feel them if simulated through a 3rd person fantasy or something, like dreaming of being a knight on a last stand, or a father embracing his newborn, but I can't feel these things directly.
Everything is muted.

Thanks for reading my blogpost.

>>81569619
>>81569673
brutal
>I can feel them if simulated through a 3rd person fantasy or something, like dreaming of being a knight on a last stand, or a father embracing his newborn, but I can't feel these things directly.
For clarification. Do you mean that you understand the concept and can imagine it? Or do you mean that you need to separate it from reality to feel it?

>>81569906
I had something I figure a professional would call "maladaptive daydreaming" since young.
I guess kinda like dissociating, but more like moving to a fantasy world.
So if I'm in my head imagining myself as a different person and I experience something (in fantasy land) that would evoke emotion, I do fully feel said emotion and often end up crying or something IRL.

It just doesn't happen at all normally navigating life anymore.
Like I could be told about the death of a loved one, some miserable events happening to somebody I know or be hurt physically or emotionally in reality and I'd feel absolutely nothing.
Sadness and anger appear sometimes, but not really as a result of direct experience, but self reflection.
Otherwise I'm apathetic.

Psych diagnosed me as schizoid with autistic tendencies if that is worth anything.
They recommended I adapt a hermit-like lifestyle which while probably helpful is not something I expected a psychologist to say.
It was an older man too, so I think he was just being completely honest with me.

>>81568921 (OP)
Me being a sperg.

>>81568921 (OP)
>what do you think is the reason behind your loneliness?
too much of a based sigma
those who know, they feel it too

1. I don't talk to people
2. I only go outside for work or errands
3. I have social anxiety.

I'm different. That's it. No matter how rich, handsome, popular, or whatever, I become, I'll always stay lonely because the way I view the world is just... different. I self-improoved and socialskillsmaxxed until I realized

I fucking hate normies. I wish there was someone like me so that we could experience beauty together. But this ain't happening. I'm different, there's no matching pair for me, that's it.

>>81568921 (OP)
No social skills
No friends
No confidence
I grew up on Western internet and I got interested in stuff that I could never explain to the average normie here because all they care about is the newest slop on the market witch made me have no friends and i didn't develop a social skill and don't have anything to make have confidence in my self at the end of the day i am just a fat loser who sounds pretentious because I don't consume the popular stuff

>>81568921 (OP)
I genuinely enjoy the silence of solitude and isolation. I can be myself, do what I want, and don't have to deal with other people and their constant, trivial, inane, banal bullshit 24/7. Saturday night, and I can't imagine driving out to some club or whatever where I have to pay to get in, and be bombarded with cacophonic noise (whatever society calls 'music' these days) with the constant threat of violence over nothing. Then I'd have to drive back and get ready to go grocery shopping and do laundry tomorrow.

Fuck all that. I'll just stay in, play vidya, watch anime, and read.

>>81568921 (OP)
Im not particularly good looking, I have extreme social anxiety and hyperhidrosis. Also i probably have some degree of autism. Im very avoidant of people in general and i prefer to be alone most of the time. None of these qualities are conducive to attracting the opposite sex, nor can I really fix them, thus i remain single

>>81569324
Are you 13? Most women are into traveling or yoga or some other horseshit tho. Yeah their interests are usually pretty lame even as adults. Plush toys and sims is actually cooler.

>>81570857
>yoga
You should do that

>>81568921 (OP)
Hmm
Autism, lack of depth, asocial, schizoid, never fully developed social skills or played sports. Also I'm on 4chan at 2am girls don't talk to me

>>81568921 (OP)
A lack of opportunities to meet people like me, and a lack of motivation to seek out those opportunities due to depression from being lonely. It's a vicious cycle.

>>81568921 (OP)
I choose to operate alone. I fly solo "for a reason".
>And what is that reason, retard tripfag?
Because it works best for me, from an entirely Holistic standpoint - physically, mentally, and spiritually. Thanks for understanding...or at least attempting to.

>>81568947
I'm so tired of being 5'5". 2 inches taller and I would be considered human.

>>81570530
Growing up with English internet in what is basically a second/third world country was really isolating as well.
Good point.

>>81568921 (OP)
>what flaws do you have
1. too nice
2. too average
3. too poor

>>81568921 (OP)
God decided I was going to be lonely, so I must listen to his will

>>81568921 (OP)
>what do you think is the reason behind your loneliness? apart from looks or wealth. those are surface level negatives.
>what flaws do you have on the inside? your personality, mind, soul?
Social anxiety, a full manifestation of the hedgehogs dilemma. People are scary thus I have become a recluse, and the less you interact with people the harder it becomes to do so in the future. It's a weird existence to desperately want something yet be so afraid of it.

A lot of people mention social anxiety, but that's literally just "I'm ugly enough to have been mistreated my whole life so I responded appropriately".

>>81568921 (OP)
I fundamentally don't like people

>>81572685
People are just afraid to say what it truly is.
It's not any social anxiety or whatever cope they're trying to think of, the "flaw" they have is simply that they grew to despite women because of all the shit they've done to them. But that's not socially correct to say, that makes you a loser, an incel, blahblah.
If whenever you get near a dog you get fucking bitten, and if you see other people keep being bitten by those dogs too, there's no reason for you to assume that the next dog isn't going to bite the same. It's simple logic.

I insult everyone around me and laugh at everything because growing up all of my interests were shut down by my parents and I was always an outcast at school. Every day I promise myself, "today is the day I be myself to these people", and I just continue to act like a jerk who can't take anything seriously.
A handful of people have gotten me to lower my barriers and see the real me which may be even more repulsive: a hateful, cowardly hypocrite; consumed by pride but painfully insecure and sorely lacking in any real skills or knowledge.
I also am emotionally stunted thanks to an abusive relationship with my mother, which is what destroyed the only semblance of a romantic relationship I've had in my adult life. Being with her gave me this feeling of numbness, just going through motions. I liked hanging out with her, but beyond that nothing.
When we kissed I was reminded of what my mom did to me when I was 15 (16? I don't know.) and my whole body and soul went totally numb, for hours. Her looking in my eyes after, with longing for me and for more made me feel even more numb. When I got home I laid in my bed and the numbness wore off, and I was upset by what had happened. It felt all wrong, like it hadn't happened to me, that happened to some other man. I didn't want that, I didn't deserve that.
She ended up leaving my state for university. We texted during the semester. It made me glad I didn't have to be with her in person, I could just talk to her like a close friend over text and forget everything else.
She ended up being kind of crazy and I broke it off with her while she was still at school. I miss having a woman I was able to talk to but beyond that, nothing. I feel like I want a mom more than a lover.
I wonder if I'll ever get to feel real love.

>>81568921 (OP)
Autism and I speak and think weird. I sound like a foreigner in my own country, with my own language. Some people get offended, some feel inferior and turn aggressive. It applies to girls 10x more, I mean a guy would normally accept that feature of me, but a girl? No man. She would dig and dig, and ask, and eventually come up with a full retard explanation claiming she knows me, knows people exactly like me and makes 0% accurate claims about who I am, why I am the way I am. Is it really that difficult to understand that I have autism and I cannot control it?

>>81568921 (OP)
I got bullied bad in school and had nobody to back me up. I repeatedly attempted to fight back but only ever ended up losing and/or getting punished for it. I had the realization that even if I were to go for a high score on my school, the cops would just have more guns and it would accomplish nothing.
I realized I no longer cared when I looked at my autograph-less yearbook after high school.
I'm a very pessimistic about any capacity for normal life. I don't mind learning survival skills but I grew up hating people so much that any kind of attachment is shot. I'm still willing to socialize and speak politely/softly if people are polite to me in turn, it's just I don't envision myself as being able to be friends with people. I don't feel much of anything even when I'm making small talk with coworkers I get along with. They're great to work with, or at least around, and I don't hate them. But I just feel nothing. I don't even view human beings as sexual objects because of my revulsion in my formative years. Everyone just looks like varying degrees of ugly to me.
At the end of the day I feel more like a machine than a human being. I'm just keeping my hands busy until my body wears down and dies. Nothing appeals to me. I am a flesh golem piloted by impulses and neurons.

>>81568962
>Latent trauma from abandonment and isolation at a young age.
Cool, homie. Me too. My grandparents literally kicked me out at 8 years old. My mom took me in, but she's a substance abusing hippie who never worked a day in her life (at that point). She just let me watch movies all day so I wouldn't bother her.

Also autism and chronic bullying taught me to withdraw from others for safety (physical and psychological). I can't even start a relationship because I literally don't want to. I don't feel comfortable being around humans. The pros don't outweigh the cons for me.

>>81568921 (OP)
i am diagnosed slight autist, just very socialy inept, i am not funny, i can't pick up on social cues, i have a nervous and uncomfortable body language, i only talk about weird autistic shit with enthusiasm
i try to meet people, i really do, i go to courses, i go outside, but no one wants to retain contact
when it comes to looks i am atleast tall (190cm) with slightly below average face i think
so yeah, i am a mentalcel

>>81573482
>I got bullied bad in school and had nobody to back me up. I repeatedly attempted to fight back but only ever ended up losing and/or getting punished for it.
That's when you learn how rigged the system is.

>get bullied
>be the good kid and do nothing
>get bullied
>get bullied
>...
>snap back at the bully one day
>you get punished by the school council for it
>meanwhile the bully get away scot-free

>>81573682
It's hilarious how teachers only have eyes to see the victims crime.
I feel like this comes from parents. If you were bullied your parents were probably either uncaring or weak/worthless.
The parents of the bully likely were well off or simply hyper aggressive threatening the teachers every time claiming their kids cant do wrong.
So teachers end up using the bullied kid as an outlet as well.
Pathetic hell planet.

>>81568921 (OP)
I don't have any. Everyone else is flawed

>>81568947
>it's my autism
>It's my fake persona I've built around larping as an aspie
Just like ever robot.

>>81568921 (OP)
being inferior to other people, as simple as that. Yeah my life circumstances might have been shit but a lot of people out of shit life circumstances make it.
I didn't. It absolutely destroys me to think about my inferiority to other men.
On paper I have a masters degree, am tall, used to win running races, have a muscular body. In reality, this just isn't good enough, didn't keep my friends back when it mattered, burnt all bridges because I was forced to move a lot, ended up a lonely self improover. People just do not respect me. It's over.

>>81569075
I feel the same. I'm always told that makes Me the problem but when I've tried to be kind and honest and everyone betrays me because honor fails to exists in this world, I somehow doubt it is my fault