how do you accept that your mother does not love you and move on?

tonight my mother told me that she "sees me as a threat and nothing more" and "wants me gone as soon as possible"
this is ontop of weeks of her emotional abuse of me ramping up which has been going on for years now maybe my entire life

she has BPD and Schizophrenia and in my opinion is likely a narcissist aswell
she paints me as a very evil and abusive person which i believe is a projection of herself and how she acts onto me
maybe i am mentally ill and so deep in delusion that i cannot see that i truly am the "bad person"

tonight especially i came very close to pulling the trigger and ending it all but i realized it wouldnt matter
i would not get to see what happens afterwards
i would not get to hear the words she says or see who she calls or what she does or if she even cares
there would be no opportunity to hear her react to the noise
it would be pointless

maybe that is just further cope and excuse for inaction but i am just numb there is no burning or passion in me to drive me to any sort of action anymore

i had hopes to pursue my dream of joining the military and i have been making slow shaky progress towards recovering my fitness and building routine and stability in my life but i cannot keep it up under these conditions
i understand my current life is nothing compared to what i would face in the military and if i am buckling now then even attempting the military would break me
at this point it seems i have no options left whatsoever

what do anons?
how do i find a way to move from here?
i am not a hateful person towards women or anyone but i cannot help but think about how people talk about how women destroy them completely and totally
i can understand how that could be the case and maybe i am overdramatic but i would logically imagine it is worse coming from ones own mother

sorry for rambling and blogposting
i do not expect real advice

please feel free to dump your pains in this thread

>>81665483 (OP)
First of all, I'm sorry that it's happening to you anon

Don't end yourself, it's for quitters. What you should do it just accept she'll never be able to change and you're entirely better without her. She won't care about you if you died, would probably spin up some tale about how you were the bad guy even when you did

I cannot relate to your pain but I can at least sympathize it. And I'm sorry it's happening to you

Hope everything turns out well for you one day :(

>>81665483 (OP)
>rself and how she
hi anon,
as someone with an abusive mother myself i relate to your experiences.
usually, the best option is cut contact and move out. if she is mentally ill and does not take medication for it or attempt to be better then its a case worth giving up on.
it is very unfortunate you live this, anon

i wish you luck; if moving out is not an option currently due to age and other setbacks, then try different coping mechanisms. Mess around and see whats best for you; youve got plenty to choose from. Try not to pick anything unhealthy, though those seem to work best in my experience...

stay safe

>>81665483 (OP)
>tonight my mother told me that she "sees me as a threat and nothing more" and "wants me gone as soon as possible"
I love this because it shows how truly fucked up women are. Your own mother sees you as competition. Essentially saying that with you around her, her value on the sexual market decreases. You should get fat and ugly so your mom will look hotter to men I guess.
> had hopes to pursue my dream of joining the military
Please don't. The military will break you and will give you the PTSD debuff for life.
>how do i find a way to move from here?
It will be difficult, but getting a shitty job and a shitty place (with prob shitty roommates) will be the first step. Building a routine takes years and with your mom causing so many issues for you, you can't do it when she's around. Unless you help her get a bf I guess.

>>81665483 (OP)
Find caring mommy gf to be your substitute mother figure
>t. also BPD with serious mommy issues but nearly as bad as yours only attracted to older girls