I'm 27. I learned I have a brain tumor 2 weeks ago. Doctor says it's probably benign but I get the test results this Friday, and then I'll know.

Having to contemplate your mortality is not a good feeling. One thing I'll say is this wiped out any suicidal thoughts I previously had. I don't want to die.

I know what terror feels like now. I couldn't sleep the three first days I got the news.

I also feel that my "innocence" is gone. Even if it's not cancerous, it's hard to sit down and enjoy the things I like now that I've been confronted with the fact that the clock is ticking and I won't be here forever. I want to go back.

They emptied 30ml of brain fluid from a cyst I had inside my skull at the same time as they performed a biopsy on the tumor and it's messed with my perception of reality. Everything feels "far away" if that makes sense and the voice of my conscience isn't as loud as it used to be.

Take care of yourself anon. Life comes at you fast.

I've had a couple of near death experiences due to health problems and the only thing I felt when I recovered was disappointment.

Life sucks. The only reason I don't kill myself is cause I know I'd be deeply hurting people. Only thing I can hope for is a car or bolt of lightning to randomly hit me.

>>81693771 (OP)
thanks for the insight anon
aren't you lucky in a way, if it is benign? that you get this perspective? i can read your post and know that you are right, but i will be wasting my time tomorrow too.

>>81693771 (OP)
I don't really have any words to offer that are appropriate. Other than to say that it's shitty and to hope for the best for Friday. Try to get your reality back. You have to be here to live it. Let each passing minute be spent present here, not elsewhere. I saw a quote. We're slaves to time, but if you believe in an afterlife (or have a deathbed conversion), then we only experience a bodily death, not a spiritual one. And for all we know, you get "best case scenario" results. It's happened before. You think you're exempt? Best case scenario results has never happened to anyone before? Do what you can. Live with intention. Take care of yourself, anon.

>>81693771 (OP)
I felt very sad for the vtuber on reddit who died. I think her name was Minori. Sorry OP. Courage for you in these difficult times.

>>81693847
>aren't you lucky in a way, if it is benign? that you get this perspective?
Yes, in a way, if I don't die. Aside from the "wasting my time" thoughts, I enjoy everything I do now. Things I took for granted. I lost my driving license because I started having epileptic seizures following the surgery. I miss driving now when I had started getting bored of it.

You know, I had started losing my eyesight because of the cyst I had, that's what made me go to the hospital in the first place. I hard a really hard time reading stuff on this website. Now that they drained the cyst, my eyesight is back and I'm so grateful for it. Something simple as reading you really take for granted.

I promised to God that if He lets remain in the world of the living, I'm going to enjoy the life he's given me. I don't plan on doing anything dramatic; I had planned to go to university this September and I don't plan on changing those plans. But I'm going to make an effort to enjoy the little things.

>>81693850
I've been a Christian since 2020 but I've lapsed in the last 2 years. Dwindling faith and all. I've been going to church since I got the news.

If God wants me to go now... then I guess I'm ready. Well, I'm not really. I still have things I want to do, but it's not in my control. I don't want my parents to know the pain of losing their only child.

>>81693832
hope things improve

>>81693888
Thank you anons.

>>81694006
How do you keep faith when god essentially killed you? Sorry for any offense I know it's phrased terribly

>>81693771 (OP)
>reddit tier formatting
>i'm14andthisdeep painting
>basically begging for sympathy
yeah you deserve to die for being such a crybaby faggot

>>81693771 (OP)
You should try taking Lions Mane mushrooms as a supplement to help your brain heal and reform connections

>>81694023
Well, I'm not dead yet. Highly possible it's benign and I'll be okay. But even if it's only 1% chance I'll die from this, 1/100 are not small odds when it comes to death.

And besides, I've spent the last 3 years wishing to die. But that's abstract, now that I'm actually facing it, I'm realized I don't want that, but still.

You can get into the "if God is good then why do bad things happen" areas but I don't believe that we're promised beautiful lives, so I don't feel any anger or anything. Maybe Jesus wants me to meet Him in paradise sooner than I would have expected. We don't know.

>>81694006
Amen. It reminds me of Job 38. His friends and other people he's talking to are telling him that his suffering is clearly the result of his sinful ways, but Job was a righteous guy who was trying his best. His suffering was never caused by any wrongdoing. In his despair and misfortune, he asks God, and in chapter 38, God finally speaks back to him.

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?"

God's not just belittling Job here or telling him to shut up; in the entire chapter, he's trying to bring Job along on a journey to change his perspective.

"You can only kill me; you can do me no real harm."
-St. Stephen, martyr

If you've ever spent any time around sheep, it's easy to see why God would compare us to them. They're cute, dumb little creatures who sometimes fuck up, but they're too dumb to really know any better. But when it's their time, it's their time. It's sad, but it's ok.

dont mind me just passing by to laugh at this christcuck

>>81694049
You sound like a newfag trying to fit in. Or a retarded autist who lives without joy, so you are an unpleasant and inhospitable dotard. The reason others don't like you is because you don't like yourself. Do 1 thing pleasant to another person today. Just 1. Even if it is small. It helps you more than it helps them.
>>81694108
Hope and pray for the best. Whether you believe in a god or not, the same laws and patterns that govern the movement of the celestial spheres and the forces of gravity are the same laws and patterns that led to your being here. Maybe it's silent. But how can it be silent if you aren't? It speaks through you. They live in you and through you. It takes and gives.
https://youtu.be/OCxI9TD4PkY?si=QhhfcJEG6aRkDnG7

>>81694208
>You sound like a newfag trying to fit in. Or a retarded autist who lives without joy, so you are an unpleasant and inhospitable dotard
wtf man that's literally you
here have some of my pity if you want it so much goddamnit

>>81693771 (OP)
Hell might be real anon, and most people end up there when they die. You most likely will go to hell and burn in constant agony for all of eternity. If you think hell doesn't exist then you're just gambling your soul away for an eternity unless you repent now.

>>81694150
I was like you. What converted me was the historicity and the philosophical implications of the Incarnation, the union of matter and spirit. These texts really are as old as they say they are, dated to the late end of Babylon around 6th century BC, yet talk about a future leader who would suffer death. Micah 5 says that he would come forth from Bethlehem. Daniel 9 says that he would come and then be killed before the Temple in Jerusalem is destroyed, and around 71 AD, the Tenth Legion destroyed the Temple and built a camp on the ruins for good. And before that, they said he'd have holes around his hands and feet hundreds of years before crucifixion was invented. There are many more prophecies and writings across time that seemed disconnected at first, but were clearly had some kind of advanced knowledge. Either it's all a complete fabrication and a historical fakery, or there is something unusual going on.

>>81694256
Take your missionarism elsewhere you escapist faggot

>>81694247
Agreed. I found comfort in the fact that He is a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. That image stayed with me more than the glorious ones, like the Resurrection. I don't know why; it's mundane compared to the full divine glory.

>>81693771 (OP)
Felt like that when I lost two best buddies in 2 years.

>>81694208
>Hope and pray for the best.
Thanks, I have been and will continue to.

Some of the facts surrounding the tumor make it seem to be benign. The doctor is certain that my cyst was caused by it. The cyst (before they emptied it) was 6cm, so around the size of an egg. It's not possible that I had that develop rapidly, I'd simply die if a cyst of that size appeared within 6 months or so. So, the cyst has been growing for a long time, caused by the tumor, which according to him would indicate 5+ years of the tumor being there. Now, I'm no expert but I assume if you have untreated brain cancer, you die within a year at most. I think I'll be ok.

>>81694256
I don't know if there's a point in exchanging with these people in this thread specifically. We know how this site is. It's not at all out of character for someone on /r9k/ to try to kick someone while they're down. At least, I'm not surprised, and I don't care enough to reply to them.

>>81694289
The missionarism is everywhere. If you want to hide from it, you have to be the one to go elsewhere, not me.

>>81694329
The only missionarism i tolerate is me taking your mom in missionary, get this christcuckery out of here you crybaby

>>81694329
>you have to let me force my religion on you

>>81694328
That does sound better. Maybe it is benign, they caught it, and it becomes like a one-sentence "oh yeah remember that one time" footnote in your life's story. But even someone as hopeful as I must acknowledge of the weight of that 1% chance that it's not. Friday will come regardless of what you do. You can think about Friday every hour until it comes, or you can try to be present for every hour and do something wasteful, productive, stupid, or meaningful, it doesn't matter, it's going to come regardless.

>>81694345
it's a death cult like all abrahamic religions
pisslam reveres being the grossest despot there is while christcuckery advocates for being a good little cucked goy who turns the other cheek
baffles me how massive these desert cults became

>>81694339
You've tolerated it so far. If it was truly intolerable, you would leave, yet you haven't, implying that may be offensive to your senses but not literally intolerable.
>>81694345
No one's forcing you to read it. You can post 100 posts in a row about Mormonism. It doesn't force me to do anything.

>>81694378
No one's reading your posts past the first sentence, we're here to pity you since you beg for it. poor you.

>>81694378
you aren't forcing me to read it, but you absolutely love to make sure it's always in front of my eyes right?

>>81694377
I think that's a misreading of the Gospels (assuming you even read them). Jesus even tells the apostles to purchase swords and prepare themselves. Christian teaching for 2,000 years has spiritually understood warfare to be justified in some cases, but peace is preferable of course. I think pop Christianity led to people deciding for themselves that Jesus is a hippie. Invalid Christian teachings have been passed along and repeated and it's created a fake version of Christianity that even I could debunk easily.

>>81694392
Right, that's my point.
>>81694404
Correct, I am opening your browser and clicking on posts and forcing you to give me (You)s via mind control.

>>81694414
yes, so excited for the next time someone post a paragaph of religious text telling me to turn to a god in a topic that wasn't related (this one not so much the op was talking about god already), so excited. Thank you and your kin for being so devoted and annoying.

>>81694429
Just ignore it. People will scroll past hundreds of replies in a thread but then feel the need to engage and lash out and cry about being forced to reply whenever the topic is Jesus Christ.

>>81694440
Mhmm, excited to see you in the next thread, thank you for your good work, you are actually doing so much right now

>>81694429
>(this one not so much the op was talking about god already)
I wasn't going to hide the fact that undergoing this has made me more religious, but I had hoped it wouldn't become a thread about religion specifically. Guess I should have known better though. I know a lot of anons on here are anti Christianity so I'm not surprised, but I don't want to engage with it because there really isn't anything to say. I believe what I believe and they believe what they believe and that's it.

>>81694459
Well I try not to be anti christian out of respect, I do like some of the stories, but you eventually get defensive, I know people that tell me they aren't trying to convert me, whilst still sending me christian memes about converting every day, it's obvious what you people do. Jesus is still a pretty chill guy in the stories I guess idk, have a good day.

>>81693771 (OP)
what symptoms did you have that made you get a visit for this

God I wish I would just fucking develop a glioblastoma already. Take me outtttttt alreadyyyy. I'm so jealous of you OP unironically

>>81694492
>it's obvious what you people do.
Please don't say that, every person is different and I've never done anything like that. I think one of the best ways to scare people away is to aggressively try to get them to convert so I've never done it. I'll talk about it when asked, and I'm not shy in sharing my points of view that are based on religion but I understand that you can't "brute force" people into believing, and besides, you have to respect people's choices. People come to religion on their own terms, some never do and that's the free will that God gave us. God won't try to force you to believe in Him, so why should I do that, as a man?

But yes, have a good day. I think my thread has run its course.

>>81694530
Started having trouble reading. Went to an optometrist, she told me my peripheral vision in the bottom right area was dead in both eyes. Was sent to the hospital, they did an MRI and found the tumor as well as a cyst. They drained the cyst and I can read again (I'm so glad). Now my cognition is affected, I feel like the voice of my conscience is muffled, but apparently this is normal and will go away in a few weeks to a few months.

>>81694550
All I can say is that when death is no longer abstract, you change your mind real quick about wanting to die. Or at least, I did.

>>81693771 (OP)
I have nothing to say but good luck.