I'm so unwell. I don't know how not to give up. I went through so much bullying that I wanted to kill myself. I'm struggling really hard in school. Really hard. I lost all my friends and interests, and then I met someone who cared about me deeply, eventually became my best friend and I lost them too because I had a really bad mental health issue, it hurts so bad because even if I get better it doesn't seem like they'll ever forgive me enough to trust me ever again or let me back into their life even if I completely change for the better. But yesterday they told me they forgive me and they also said something which removed a lot of my worry because I thought something that wasn't the case. I lost someone who was like a family member to me that same month, on my birthday, for same reasons. So my best friend and that person on the same month. And in that same period I hurt my family too. I can't forgive myself at all. And now I received even more bad news. I literally don't have anything to left to live for at all, every hope I had for a life that doesn't hurt has died. And everyone will always view me as a special needs retard. I try to tell myself something will be okay but I don't see how, I can't even imagine anything not hurting at any point. I can't imagine a neutral state, I'm always so unwell. I hate myself and I wasn't meant to be born. I'm too broken for life. I literally don't know how to do this. It's been so painful since forever. I've been trying to tell myself it gets better since I was a little kid. I just want it all to stop but I don't want to hurt everyone even more by killing myself. I have been completely broken by life and I really don't know what to do
>>81702336 (OP)It hurts to have hurt everyone who I cared about even if they forgive me. It hurts me so bad I want to die not to feel it. I'm not gonna do that yet it just hurts. If I do it it will be after everyone has completely forgotten me so it doesn't hurt them even more and my family aren't around anymore. I can't even get myself to try because of failing over and over. Ive been trying to learn something to be independent and it goes so slow because of my cognitive issues and I am so stuck and it feels like I'm a burden to my family and everyone else and everyone hates me and even those who say they don't. I just want to give up but I don't ,I really do want to life but I don't want to live like this , I want to live like everyone else does but I can't seem to do it at all and the best I can offer still hurts so bad
just let it all out anon
we're here for ya
>>81702336 (OP)After you finally get something going for you and you met someone you like a lot and want to be friends forever with and you feel like you can turn everything around and then you self sabotage and hurt not just yourself but everyone literally everyone your best friend your family the closest people ot you and all because of what you went through before. And so how can I hope for anything better now that everything is even worse and I can't even feel alright. i don't want to try again it all hurts
>>81702371Thank you but really no one is here.i pushed everyone away. I don't want to lose my family too
>>81702422>i pushed everyone awaynot true, i'm still here
>inb4 i'm no onetrue, i'm no one but i still care
>>81702336 (OP)People like you are insane. You make a great show of being pitiful but you're just as judgemental and stuck up as a lot of horrible people are.
Quit whining, noone cares
>>81703092I genuinely try to, but I can't even think of anything because even the few good memories remind me of the bad ones. I try to think of one year when I was a kid but even they made fun of me so much, I didn't mind it because it was better than being alone, but even that ended. I wish I was exaggerating but I really can't think of anything nice right now. I don't know what. I really want to. I dont want to feel this way anymore. The nicest memory I have is probably news years, playing games with my best friend. But if ant think of that because it sends me into spiral. Other memories are like this too.
>>81703129I guess? I mwnan I judge people. But in school I never fought back. I just shut down. Well I did fight back once in first grade and 3rd grade and when 2 guys in 6th grade were making fun of me I made up a shitty nickname for his mom that all the other kids ended up using because it was creative and later his mom said he was being bullied when he literally spent months making fun of me with this guy whenever we played games or were in school. But after 6th grade I never responded. And I did become a bad person for a while after going through something really bad even before I had an episode. I can explain why to myself but I guess all bad people can do this. But I was told a bad person doesn't care if they're bad. I really do care. It hurts when I do something bad. A lot of things hurt. And I do think I'm a bad person objectively because of what I said and not doing anything good but I don't think I'm will. I don't want to be who I am.i don't want to feel what I feel. I really don't. I want to be anyone but me.im not saying I'm great, I know I'm not because a good person would never hurt their family or friends or anyone for that matter but I want to change.cicdint want to be me. And I don't know why you're telling me this when I made a gent post on fucking r9k when everyone does it. Yes I don't think in sane. That's the point. That's why I'm having a had time. But I'm not an evil person either and it hurts to be told that
the Chim will be extra good
>>81703129I'm trying to live like everyone else and I don't try to cause ant harm to anyone. People rob and kill and physically hurt others and I've done none of that. I have issues and I have done bad things but i feel guilty and regret and sadness and pain and so many emotions over it. And I don't want to be evil or anything bad . I'm trying to be like everyone else and it's sincerely hard , ice really been through a lot, in trying my best in life and not trying to cause anyone issues. I want to make things better for everyone and it's really hard. I'm trying in school and it's hard I'm trying to get better and it's hard. Things are sincerely hard and have been. Hardmn. I've sincerely been through a lot that it hurts just to exist. In not even blaming anyone I'm just saying how I feel. I don't think I'm sane but I'm not an evil person either ror at least there are way worse people than me and I want to become a really good person either. And I was a really good person when I was younger. I didn't have access to anything ineede dto because of my disorder, I was just let to f down and down and no one was equipped to deal with me in school or cared and just made everything worse. I don't know your life story or judge you, and yet you call me that for a fucking vent post when you're ironic yourself, should I say the same to you? Your comments hurt for no reason, if you don't like it scroll past and especially on fucking r9k when its full of people sahing what's wrong. I want to get better and I don't want to be a bad oeeson
Maybe yoruw right because everyone would've been better off if I did it when I first wanted to and everyone would be less hurt oferkal than they are now and maybe now is the fifth hest time to do ut
