i'm serious. even though i've dealt with these feelings for most of my life, they usually came in bursts and passed, but i've been feeling this day for months this time and it only gets worse every day and never passes. i don't know what to do anymore. i just want it all to stop and end. my life is empty and meaningless and it'll never get better than this. i have nothing to look forward to and never be able to do the things i want to do because of the place i was born in. i just want everything to stop. i need something to latch onto to, anything right now. i can't take this anymore

>>81743475 (OP)
Go outside and work out.
You don't even need to do anything mentally, it's just about your body releasing all types of happiness and anti stress hormones and you'll automatically feel more energized and hopeful.
After that you delete all of your social media to get away from your usual envrionment and start doing literally anything that you like or have liked before. Doing activities that require some effort or attention is great too, cause it will make you feel as if you have control and get your self-worth up.
Just small tasks that you know you can complete (clean your room, study something for a couple of minutes or longer, cook something).
Then you think of what your ideal life would look like and what you'd do differently in that, what would give it meaning (fun with friends, a family with children, meaningful social, scientific or creative work or simply the consumption and experience of things that make you happy).
Also consider talking to someone so you get some human connection, even if only for a couple of minutes. A therapist, a friend, family or even a stranger.
Then you think of SOME sort of way you could make money.
Anything from academia, trade, social work or even entrepreneurship.
You work towards that and reward yourself with something good after a hard day of work and you'll feel at least a little better.

>>81743762
thank you for the genuine and considerate answer
>Go outside and work out.
i've been working out every single day for the past 4 years, often for 2+ hours at a time. it feels great in the moment and i feel euphoric for a little bit once i'm done, but then the feelings of emptiness, loneliness and alienation come back every time. i'm starting to lose my drive to do it because it feels worthless anyway. as for going outside, i have nowhere to go. i live in a small Romanian village that i know like the back of my hand because i grew up here. i wish i could go to conventions, arcades or any place that is actually fun, but there's just nothing here. it's a literal wasteland filled with people over thrice my age.
>delete all of your social media
i've never used social media in my life other than discord. i used discord in hopes of making online friends that could fill the void and make me less lonely, but now i realize that's a waste too because they always abandoned me in the end as soon as they were actually able to do irl stuff with other people (something which i could never provide them with) and i haven't even opened it since
>start doing literally anything that you like or have liked before
i don't enjoy anything anymore. i could play any vidya or watch any anime and in the world or do anything else at all, but nothing would fill the void of what i actually want: fun real life experiences with people and happy memories i can look back on forever
>Then you think of SOME sort of way you could make money.
no one wants to hire me because i'm diagnosed autistic and had a suicide attempt when i was 17 which shows up in my records forever. and that's a social death sentences here apparently. all my psychs ghosted me too because god forbid they deal with actual mentail illness.
>You work towards that and reward yourself with something good after a hard day of work
am running out of words so i'll type more in a bit

>>81743762
>>81743852
>You work towards that and reward yourself with something good after a hard day of work and you'll feel at least a little better.
literally that's my ideal life. i wish i had a decent paying job and a group of friends with similar interests to hang out with and look forward to doing fun things with after work like going to a convention, going to the beach, going to buy merch of our favorite characters etc etc
life is so bleak when you're all alone and you have literally nothing to look forward to. it's twice as bleak when you're mentally ill and trapped in an eastern european village. i'm suicidal because i just don't realistically see any way that my life could improve from this point onward. for the past 4 years i tried everything i could to become "normal": working out daily as i said, getting into cooking and making healthy meals for myself daily, trying my hardest to get a job and get hired, trying to meet people and form genuine long lasting connections AND so on and so forth. and after all that time, i'm literally in the exact position i was all my life, all alone as a mentally ill hikkineet. not a single thing in my life changed, no matter how much i willed it to. i can't help but feel hopeless. i'll never have otaku friends and be able to do cool nerd things with them. i'll never have anything. i just want this anxiety and this feeling of being punched in the cut constantly to go away. i don't know what to do anymore. i wish euthanasia was legal here, i'd spend the remainder of my savings on that. my birthday is coming up soon and all i wish for is to be euthanized so i can stop living this meaningless and empty life. i can't take spending another birthday alone. i don't have a single happy memory in my entire existence. not a single moment when i felt genuine joy and carefree happiness and fun. i just don't see the point in doing this anymore. i'm a plight on the world and there's not even anyone there who'd miss me if i were gone.

>>81743852
No worries, man.
Working out for that long is huge, that means you're at least fine physically.
Have you tried anti depressants?
They don't work for everyone, but my friends felt MUCH better after trying some because of how they regulate your hormones and happiness levels.

Any chance you can move to a bigger city or leave romania entirely? Or even find someone online who'd be willing to meet up instead of staying purely digital friends?
It kinda sucks when you're depressed, since people are usually more open to be in contact when you make them feel good (and that's obviously harder when you feel bad yourself), but I personally always felt better the second I talked to someone.
If that's not enough, I guess you could fake it till you make it? That's what I did with anxiety and it slowly went away the more confident I acted.

It does look bleak, but it can only change when you keep believing it will.
Have you tried to split up your interests to find friends more easily? For example, you might be able to talk about anime on /a/, a big forum like mal or even twitter. If you don't want it online, maybe you can travel to a convention in a bigger city or nearby country to find anime friends there?
As for the beach and other normal experiences, I think travelling would do you some good.
You can probably do some work and travel and just explore new places where you could find some people willing to show you around by cold approaching (just ask them if they know any cool places because you're new there, maybe drop some compliments and it should work at some point).
I know that won't change home life, but you can do that afterwards.


I think I'd keep living out of pure spite in your situation, just to prove myself I could change it.
There's so much beauty in every situation, even just stopping to watch leaves fall makes me happy sometimes.
Don't give up, there's a lot left to do!

>>81744244
>Have you tried anti depressants?
i have. i've taken everything from lexapro to xanax to whatever else they've advertised as the end all be all for depression over the past 5 years. nothing ever did the trick. it's not like an antidepressant can make me feel less lonely or empty inside at the end of the day, right?
>Any chance you can move to a bigger city or leave romania entirely?
no chance at all which is a big part of why i'm feeling so hopeless and stuck and trapped. i'd like to live in the US for example, but i don't even know how to go about getting a visa, especially as a suicidal, mentally disabled person. not to mention i'm poor as dirt and barely can afford food and bills with social assistance.
>Or even find someone online who'd be willing to meet up instead of staying purely digital friends?
i did try over the years, but i kid you not, every romanian person i've talked to online has ghosted me in seconds when i told them i don't live in one of the major cities like bucharest. and foreign people ghost me for not being American (aka no chance to meet up) it's all so stupid and hopeless. my life is a joke
>It kinda sucks when you're depressed, since people are usually more open to be in contact when you make them feel good
i don't act this way when talking to people. i don't wanna be a burden to someone else or drag them down with my negativity. i try my best to stay cheerful and positive all the time, fake it till i make it as you said, but even that never leads to anything because no matter how many online people i meet, they lose interest because we'll never be able to meet up. it's not like i blame them. i need to die already
>For example, you might be able to talk about anime on /a/, a big forum like mal or even twitter
talking on /a/ feels empty because it's not like i'll ever be able to befriend those people. i tried putting myself on twitter and mal but it just feels like i'm screaming into the void. i'm ignored by everyone.
cont.

>>81743475 (OP)
omg hiii kyoya

>>81744244
>>81744383
no one ever wanted to talk to me on either mal or twitter no matter how much i put myself out there, so that feels like a dead end too.
>maybe you can travel to a convention in a bigger city or nearby country to find anime friends there?
there are no cons to go to even in bigger cities, and i don't have the money to go to nearby countries. i also don't know any languages other than english and romanian so i'd feel lonely and isolated the entire time being surrounded by people speaking another language that i don't know
>As for the beach and other normal experiences, I think travelling would do you some good.
i don't have money to travel and even if i did, it's so depressing to travel on your own. i'd just see all the people having fun with their friends or significant others and feel like a freak of nature. at least at home i don't have that stuff in my line of sight so i can not think about it too much.
>You can probably do some work and travel and just explore new places
as i said, no one will hire me because i'm mentally disabled and had past suicide attempts, so employers just look at that and automatically dismiss me no matter how much i try to make myself look stable and professional in the interview
>I think I'd keep living out of pure spite in your situation, just to prove myself I could change it.
that's what i've been doing up until now but i can't take it anymore. i think i've reached my breaking point. i just want to die and let it all end. i already tried all i could, for years and years. i just need an easy way to die already
>>81744418
he had the coolest character arc in the metal saga

>>81743475 (OP)
OP, I feel we share alot in common. We both find ourselves in pretty much the same predicament. Trying to form any sort of connection in a community that forces oversocialization and the same, boring hobbies you never will find yourself partaking in can be extremely detrimental to your wellbeing. I feel I was able to recognise that I will never be able to fit in this society our peers are building for eachother and thus, I chose to further dwell in escapist media and niche hobbies I had at the time. But, as you may expect, this isn't meant to last and now that I'm 20, I have been nothing more than a daydreamer, with no actual achievements to my name whatsoever and any and all people I might have considered friends for a brief and treated better than what I wished to ever be treated have all seemingly grown distained with me and now I'm completely alone once again. I tried ysing /soc/ and finding some local discord servers there, but all it ended eith is me finding the same 3 people chronically lurking the board and a few servers with seemingly pre-established cliches, a fully completed puzzle with no space for me. I still keep my discord account in case I someday DO find someone or anything, so, If you're willing, I can leave my tag here and we can share our personal experiences together and, hopefully, find time to plan a proper meetup?

>>81743475 (OP)
At some point in my teenage years I bought a cheap crystal growth experiment for kids as something to look forward too. Today I grow plants and it's fun seeing them grow, maybe you can try that. Not really fulfilling but it's something.
Also if nothing else in your life makes you want to keep on going, keep in mind that ending your life ends the possibility of anything good happening. Sometimes it's ok to let time do it's job. Surviving is enough.
Like the other anon said, seems like moving away would be great for you, but you said you have trouble finding a job so I guess it would be hard if money is short. How do you live right now? With your parents? Do you make money at all?
All that said you seem to have the basics down, you train and eat healthy, that's already pretty good

>>81744471
thank you for sharing your experience
>Trying to form any sort of connection in a community that forces oversocialization and the same, boring hobbies you never will find yourself partaking in can be extremely detrimental to your wellbeing.
i relate to this a lot. it feels like the majority of people here don't even have hobbies other than drinking, smoking, doing drugs or like, watching football or tennis. it's hard to connect with people when you don't even have something to bring you together on a very base level.
> I chose to further dwell in escapist media and niche hobbies I had at the time.
i did the same thing my entire life but even that doesn't work anymore. all the escapism in the world can't make me feel less lonely.
>If you're willing, I can leave my tag here and we can share our personal experiences together and, hopefully, find time to plan a proper meetup?
i'm gonna turn 25 soon so i'm probably too old and weird for you. also you seem very eloquent and well put together and i'm an unstable mentally ill retard. i can't even drive so meeting up would be really hard still. trust me when i say you wouldn't wanna get involved with someone like me
>>81744513
>maybe you can try that
i just don't have it in me to do anything anymore. i'm so tired of everything. i need it all to end
>keep in mind that ending your life ends the possibility of anything good happening. Sometimes it's ok to let time do it's job
that's what i've been telling myself for years and years, but i'm reaching the end of my rope because no matter how hard i try to change my situation, i'm still stuck in the exact same spot
>How do you live right now?
alone in a tiny commieblock apartment i inherited from my grandma when she passed.
>Do you make money at all?
i get a bit from the government but it's barely enough to scrape by. i use it all on food, bills and other necessities.
i'm running out of words again, but i'll type more below

>>81744656
the only genuine friend i used to have was someone i met from this board around 7 years ago. it was an online friend. just like me, she was a hikkineet who struggled with anxiety, loneliness and hopelessness, and it was the first time in my life i'd ever met someone dealing with the same struggles as me. it made me feel really happy and hopeful because it felt like i wasn't all alone in the world anymore. we were always trying to motivate each other and send positivity each other's way to try and improve our lives and get out of this lonely rut we were both stuck in.

eventually, we both built up our confidence enough to try and make friends on twitter so we started hanging out in all sorts of otaku centric spaces. and within like a week, she met this guy who flew her out to LA and took her to anime cons and bought her model kits and all sorts of things. the moment that happened, she blocked me everywhere and hasn't said a word to me since. i could be dead for all she cares.

it's hard not to be jaded on people when someone you've been close with for 7+ years will just discard you overnight like it's nothing. it feels hopeless to try and form a genuine bond with anyone, because this scenario will just repeat over and over and over.

i just don't know what to do anymore. i'm so done with everything. i just wanna die and be done with it all. i'm really at my limit

>>81744471
>cliques*

>>81744656
>vices
That's exactly what I meant! Even when it came to more healthy activities (sports etc) it always seemed like a waste of tine to me and on top of that I struggled with my weight/height, as-in, I was never able to properly gain weight even if I tried and I remained underweight my entire life, this problem still persists today.
>it's hard to connect with people when you don't even have something to bring you together on a very base level.
Even if I manage to connect on a "very base level" it will still force me to play a "masquerade" as that connection will never truly be genuine to me.
>all the escapism in the world can't make me feel less lonely
That was pretty much what I eluded to in my original post, it feels like, as time passes, you start to realize you're slowly running out of things to cope with and anything else will feel "forced".
>i'm probably too old and weird for you.
This will probably make it easier for us to connect, actually. Growing up, the only relationships* (if you can call them that, more passive/passing) have been with people older than me, met through my extroverted, charismatic older brother.
I don't see how age will be a detriment in any way. Plus, it's not like you're that much older than me anyways.
>you seem very eloquent and well put together
I'm truly flattered my post came off like that to you, but if that were the case, you wouldn't see me on this board, replying to your thread, sharing a TLDR of my life to you directly. You overestimate my reasonablility.
>i can't even drive so meeting up would be really hard still
I moslty meant by bus. Since we are basically next-door neibhours and me living on the eastern side of the cunt (Shumadija), i suspect the bus tickets shouldn't be that pricey. We could plan a meeting spot somehwere near (Timisoara, ex) I belive you do have alot more you eish to share with anyone, and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling like you're deserving of that.

>>81745021
>Even if I manage to connect on a "very base level" it will still force me to play a "masquerade" as that connection will never truly be genuine to me.
it's the same for me. it was always so exhausting to talk to people in school and such growing up, because it felt like i was always putting on an act for them. i remember feeling so relieved every time a social interaction was over. and i remember wishing i knew people i could just be myself around every day, but that never happened.
>it feels like, as time passes, you start to realize you're slowly running out of things to cope with and anything else will feel "forced".
nowadays, the value i see in escapism is being able to share the passion with other people. like, watching a show together and discussing it, or going to otaku themed events together and stuff like that. i think escapism could be a fun way to bond with people that doesn't involve vices. the reason it feels worthless to me right now is because i have no one to share my passion for this stuff with
>I moslty meant by bus
i never really traveled on my own before and it makes me feel so scared and anxious... which i know is stupid and embarrassing to say at my age. it's so hard to break the ice and get past my fear. i just feel so alone and like i'm "faced" with the reality of how alone i am whenever i have to go anywhere in public by myself
>I belive you do have alot more you eish to share with anyone, and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling like you're deserving of that.
thank you for the kind words but i'm just very socially, emotionally and mentally stunted and i don't see a way out of this. i have the brain of a 12 year old. i still watch beyblade and play sonic games

tfw not dead yet