hey
am i stupid or smart?
some people keep calling me smart and witty and other people keep calling me retarded or slow or odd. its like a 50/50 split. how do i tell what my talents actually are?

i will flip a coin

stupid

>>81797666
aw thats a bummer. okay satan thank you for your help

>>81797646 (OP)
Youre probably autistic.
oregano

>>81797646 (OP)
Judging yourself in booleans (stupid/smart, ugly/pretty. big dick/small dick) is unnecessary. Only standard that makes sense is the task you have to do and its specific requirements
So don't say "I'm to stupid to learn programming" and say "I can't understand data structures" for example.

>>81797646 (OP)
you're probably average OP. idk about your talents but maybe you are good at sports

>>81797756
what should you do if you find yourself as an autistic adult? i got screened for it as a kid but my parents didnt want me to be diagnosed.
>>81797766
i see. that makes sense i suppose. that a generalized competence isnt truly how you approach life
so then how do you know if you're weak or strong at certain things then?
>>81797775
im alright at sports. i played volleyball but i was in the second string

>>81797821
If youre an autistic adult you should rope because people with autism are fundamentally insufferable and unloveable and nothing can remove those 2 qualities from you.

>>81797821
>do you know if you're weak or strong at certain things then?
try to find out which skills (something you can evaluate somewhat objectively) the specific goal requires
I would refrain from judging yourself altogether if it is not needed. Will spare you a lot of headache and worry.
>>81797847
why won't you hang yourself if you can't stand autists? you're the one getting hurt

>>81797847
oh. i probably wont be able to do that anon because i'm not a very impulsive person. even if i have troubles in my life executive dysfunction just keeps me from doign anything. sorry.

>>81797870
>I would refrain from judging yourself altogether if it is not needed. Will spare you a lot of headache and worry.
okay. im sorry for causing a ruckus. just been trying to understand some things

>>81797821
>im alright at sports
i see. are u good at taking care of others

>>81797883
>im sorry for causing a ruckus
nigga dats a thread on the interwebz, it doesn't make sound
to be honest genuine (I hope) question is nice change of pace from the usual engagement bait on this board

>>81797886
>are u good at taking care of others
im not sure. my mom vomited tonight
i got her a pot and emptied it
i havent done more for her yet
taking care of others is how i want to see myself, but sometimes i think all of my niceness is just distracting myself from a person i really dont like inside me.
>>81797905
>to be honest genuine (I hope) question is nice change of pace from the usual engagement bait on this board
im glad about that then. thank you. how is your night going?

>>81797929
>my mom vomited tonight
im sorry anon is she alright? you're very nice for doing that for her
all of your niceness is your niceness and you are nice. if you dont like things about yourself then thats another story, but you are still nice. what things do you dislike about yourself?

>>81797766
>So don't say "I'm to stupid to learn programming" and say "I can't understand data structures" for example.
and why would someone not be able to understand data structures smartass
>>81797870
i havent hung myself because Im a coward. my excuse for not roping is that there might be good things in my future; things might get better.
this is just an excuse because autism prevents there from being good things in my future or things from getting better. its just an excuse I came up with to hide the real reason that I havent killed myself yet, that being that im too much of a pussy to.

>>81797929
>how is your night going?
Not sure. I was sleeping back then. It's 7AM in the GMT+2 right now.
>>81797945
>and why would someone not be able to understand data structures smartass
Depends on that particular someone of course
Someone could for example not learn them in high school or not practice them to see how they are applied in code.
My point is to be as specific as possible instead of throwing generalized statements.
>i havent done more for her yet
Check on her sometimes.
>>81797945
>i havent hung myself because bla bla bla
rich to vent now, right after you were mean to someone

>>81797993 (me)
>didn't proofread the post again award

>>81797941
>im sorry anon is she alright? you're very nice for doing that for her
i dont know if shes alright
her throat exploded a few years ago so i hope its not related to that. probably just food sickness
>if you dont like things about yourself then thats another story, but you are still nice. what things do you dislike about yourself?
im not sure how to describe it. there is just an emptiness to everything i do, even if i do the right thing. i help people and i dont feel anything really. i try to help my family and they cry in my shoulder and i stare back at them. i try and do what i supposed to do but theres something keeping me from emotional maturity. im all talk.

>>81797993
>Not sure. I was sleeping back then. It's 7AM in the GMT+2 right now.
good morning
hope you had a good rest

>>81798018
>her throat exploded a few years ago
what??? how did her throat explode?
>there is just an emptiness to everything i do, even if i do the right thing.
its been a while since i related this much to something. at least for me, it feels like i lack purpose, there's nothing going on for me besides being a supporting character for other people. i dont know how to fix it and idk it feels like i don't really have a will on my own

>>81798018
>good morning
thanks and good whatever part of the day is in your place
>her throat exploded a few years ago
Can't help you here, sorry. Me and my family never gets sick and I don't know anything about vomiting and throat conditions.
>im not sure how to describe it. there is just an emptiness to everything i do
like dissatisfaction? helping others is taxing in several ways (emotionally for example) so it's to be expected that you might not feel good
>emotional maturity
what's that even?

>>81797993
>rich to vent now, right after you were mean to someone
you asked why i havent killed myself and i told you.
pseud ESL cant even remember 15 minutes into the past but expects you to think hes smart because he uses words that 90% of people are unfamiliar with
>Someone could for example not learn them in high school or not practice them to see how they are applied in code.
My point is to be as specific as possible instead of throwing generalized statements.
you are describing reasons that a person DOES NOT understand data structures, not reasons that a person CANNOT understand data structures the true point of your post is just to humblebrag and virtuesignal
>ohhh look at me i deny the existence intelligence and inherent capability xd you can do anyyyyything you set your mind to little jimmy :) am i not such an enlightened and good person to have this nuanced take on ability xdd
changing the meaning of words just to make yourself look better
unironically kys you are my least favorite type of person

>>81798059
>what??? how did her throat explode?
drinking. the veins expanded too much and blew up. they have like rubber bands in there now to prevent it from exploding again
>it feels like i lack purpose, there's nothing going on for me besides being a supporting character for other people. i dont know how to fix it and idk it feels like i don't really have a will on my own
very relatable. did you also lose a lot of your emotions? you try to feel things but can't? something upsets you and you want to get angry and try to but then its impossible? just curious. do you ever burst into tears? just curious

>>81798096
>like dissatisfaction?
i guess maybe just dissociation. i feel like a dostoevsky character, insane amd wandering from place to place holding conversations with people. i respond how im supposed to respond. i stand on my mark. but im not really doing that. im not really feeling that emotion. there isnt really me. thats all.
>Me and my family never gets sick and I don't know anything about vomiting and throat conditions.
im glad about that.
>what's that even?
im not sure. the ability to feel an emtion, understand it, and act on it with intention

>>81798118
>drinking. the veins expanded too much and blew up.
oh, this is awful. i think i saw someone that had gone through this once. i'm sorry you have to deal with this, anon... has she ever tried to stop drinking?
>did you also lose a lot of your emotions? you try to feel things but can't?
i lost most of my positive emotions. got a big achievement? meh. got a good grade? a salary raise? something went nicely? meh. someone betrays me? it hurts a lot. and yes, i do burst into tears a lot. it's weird, but for some stupid reason i'm looking for someone to save me, and i know that won't happen. i'm waiting for something cool to change my life, my outlook on things, but it never comes. are you like this too?

>>81798161
>has she ever tried to stop drinking?
she quit after that happened because shell die otherwise. my dad kept drinking though and its killing him.
>i lost most of my positive emotions. got a big achievement? meh. got a good grade? a salary raise? something went nicely? meh. someone betrays me? it hurts a lot. and yes, i do burst into tears a lot.
yeah, exactly.
>it's weird, but for some stupid reason i'm looking for someone to save me, and i know that won't happen. i'm waiting for something cool to change my life, my outlook on things, but it never comes. are you like this too?
yeah. i have a point of emotional immaturity where i vent about the things that make me sad but it doesnt do anything. no weight off my chest feeling. i think that im hoping for someone to say something that can change my feelings. but thats not realistic. maybe being rewarded just for living isnt realistic

>>81798205
what a couple of parents you have, anon. do you want to move out one day?
>i have a point of emotional immaturity where i vent about the things that make me sad but it doesnt do anything.
i would like to hear the things that are making you sad, anon. you have let some out, but i think there's more to it. maybe i don't even want someone to save me, but someone that accepts me and thinks i am enough

>>81798218
>what a couple of parents you have, anon. do you want to move out one day?
i do. i lived on my own for a few years in college. i liked it. i would like to again but im fatally irresponsible and cant even feed myself. when my moms away from home i lose 15 pounds because im too distracted from existence to even eat food. i just pace around in confusion in the kitchen and forget what i was doing and walk back. lately i just wander away and get lost until night time. my mom got mad at me for being useless at housework and i balled up my fists and weeped in front of her in humiliation. just feel completely defeated and dependant on them to even live. idk if i would keep living if i was on the streets. i actually know i wouldnt
>i would like to hear the things that are making you sad, anon. you have let some out, but i think there's more to it. maybe i don't even want someone to save me, but someone that accepts me and thinks i am enough
nothing i can say matters. none of it matters. nothing about me matters, maybe nothing at all.
i dont know if you want to hear it from me but i think you deserve to be accepted anon.

>>81798255
i... dont know what to say, anon. you really sound like you have it tough. i want to give you a hug. you don't deserve to be treated like that. even if you sucked, even if you are terrible at taking care of yourself. this is not good and you deserve better. did you finish your degree? is there any way for you to find a job?
>nothing about me matters
well, you said i deserve to be accepted, which is very kind of you. i think you are nice and you matter to me

>>81798309
>you really sound like you have it tough.
i really dont. im very weak and things arent particularly hard. im just bad
>i want to give you a hug. you don't deserve to be treated like that. even if you sucked, even if you are terrible at taking care of yourself. this is not good and you deserve better.
thanks. we could hug if we ever met but we wont. i dont think i really deserve better. that would be unfair to other people that are in positions of valid suffering and not just mentally ill morons
>did you finish your degree? is there any way for you to find a job?
i finished yeah. ive been trying to find a job and doing a really bad job
i struggle to keep enough focus to apply to more than a job or 2 a day. nobody gives me an interview. its demoralizing.
>well, you said i deserve to be accepted, which is very kind of you. i think you are nice and you matter to me
your value is in a lot more than what i say about you. i cant make you a worthwhile person with my words i just think you probably are

>>81797646 (OP)
If men do the first, you actually are if foids do it you got virtue signaled or you are smater than the average foid wich is no big deal, if man do the latter you are a dumbass to the point it got them out of their cool, if foids do the latter they likely jealous of you if female or unnatracted by you and want nothing to do with you if male.

>>81798379
>i really dont. im very weak and things arent particularly hard.
listen, i know people have told this to you before, but you are being incredibly hard on yourself. most people don't go through the things you have
>i dont think i really deserve better
your suffering is valid, even if you don't want to admit so. right now, you are being your worst enemy, anon. being your own enemy is one of the worst things, and it can only be overcome with patience and love. i might not feel anything, but i am trying to get better. and you can get better.
>nobody gives me an interview.
what is your degree? maybe we can work on your CV?
>your value is in a lot more than what i say about you
probably, but even in your current state you manage to be kind. the beauty is in the eye of the beholder

>>81798440
im not really sure. i cant remember
i was in my seat at the theater waiting for the play and a woman called out to me and i didnt notice her so she touched my shoulder and i didnt notice her then she grabbed me and i noticed and she said i was an idiot. a man on the plane told me i had a wide knowledge base when we were talking about history. i got called retarded for an analogy i made. i got called clever today for making a pun about sherlock holmes. thats the recent things. there are other things constantly, so i only am thinking of the past day or 2. my memory doesnt really last longer than that. the holes in memory feel like a serious problem, but i cant really remember the past to know if its gotten worse

>>81798469
>most people don't go through the things you have
i don't mean to be rude but i feel like they do.
>it can only be overcome with patience and love
you are supposed to love your neighbor. you arent supposed to love your enemy. i am my enemy. how can i love my enemy? i am my enemy.
>what is your degree? maybe we can work on your CV?
math. i got help from family on it and they said it was okay now.
>even in your current state you manage to be kind. the beauty is in the eye of the beholder
isn't kindness motivated by compassion though? it feels more like politeness. i am just being that i am to help others knowing it will make them feel happy. if anytthing its just vanity. my brain just feels like im hypnotized all the time. i have to do what others want most of the time. my mom says about 10% of the time or so i become less agreeable and act different

>>81798584
>i feel like they do.
of course you do, your self esteem is on the floor. that doesn't mean you can't look at things in an objective way.
>i am my enemy. how can i love my enemy?
you are aware you are your own enemy. have you tried making amends with yourself? otherwise, you are going to spend a bunch of decades with an enemy in your heart.
>i got help from family on it and they said it was okay now.
i hope they were not your parents. they do not sound like reasonable people.
>i am just being that i am to help others knowing it will make them feel happy.
i see. yet, you still value others being happy. you still care about whatever happens to them. you could be like your average r9k user, lashing out on people just because, hating others because you don't like how your life turned out. this is a choice, anon. a choice you are making. and this choice is what makes you different.
it seems like your mom did a good job beating your self esteem to a pulp. do you have any friends?

>>81798644
>that doesn't mean you can't look at things in an objective way.
im not sure that i can look at things objectively
i can tell that im nearly totally insane
>have you tried making amends with yourself?
i guess yes i have but i dont even know where "myself" is. there are thoughts within and even feelings, but there is no me. it's like looking for a forest and seeing trees. how can you escape yourself? to say objectively is to consider something outside of yourself, but i dont think i can really do that. my thoughts are constantly in flux and never consistent.
it would be much better to be happy than to hate yourself i think, yes. but can you really choose to not hate yourself? when there are impurities in chemistry, we try to discard them as waste and store them somewhere. to purify a soul can't you do the same? allow your inner thoughts to bear the pollution so your hate never leaves your body
>i hope they were not your parents. they do not sound like reasonable people.
it was my mom and my aunt.
>this is a choice, anon. a choice you are making. and this choice is what makes you different.
do you really think so? what's the difference between helping others because you feel compelled to and hurting others because you feel compelled to. how do we choose what we want to do? i have been pretty sincerely compelled to nihilism on the subject of choice or a will
>it seems like your mom did a good job beating your self esteem to a pulp. do you have any friends?
i dont have any friends in the real world, no. there are people that i talk to online though. i went to a synagogue for a bit but i couldnt pay the membership dues and was too humiliated to appear again without the money

>>81797646 (OP)
>tall people call me short
>short people call me tall
you're probably close to the average, a bit below possibly

>>81798760
>i can tell that im nearly totally insane
you are not totally insane yet. there is still a long road ahead of you.
>allow your inner thoughts to bear the pollution so your hate never leaves your body
there are things we can do, things we can't do. there are responsibilities you can take, and there are some you can't. you will always have a reason to hate yourself; a bad choice, a sad word, a missed opportunity. but you can't hate yourself for everything that happens to you, and most importantly, you can't hate yourself forever. to stop hating yourself, and you said so yourself, you have to find yourself. somewhere along the way, you lost yourself. i have been in your shoes, anon. it is very much possible. it is slow, but you can do it. i am not better than you.
>my mom and my aunt
okay. i hope your aunt is a responsible adult.
>what's the difference between helping others because you feel compelled to and hurting others because you feel compelled to.
this is going to turn into a 'what is good and what is bad' discussion, and this leads nowhere. you can call it nihilism, existentialism, whatever you want. you choose what to do because you feel in a certain way. what decides how you feel towards something? your genes. chemical reactions. you try to do what makes you feel better. if you want to help or hurt others, then that is probably because it makes you feel better. the difference is one is a net positive for everyone, which is what people usually call "doing good".
>there are people that i talk to online
okay. i think i would like to talk to you again sometime, but i am falling asleep

>>81798835
i see. that helps me understand. thank you
>>81798889
>somewhere along the way, you lost yourself. i have been in your shoes, anon. it is very much possible.
okay. thanks. im happy you were albe to find yourself in a better place. hopefully it may be repeated and you continue your progression.
>the difference is one is a net positive for everyone, which is what people usually call "doing good"
yeah, thats true. im sorry for arguing a worthless complaint about goodness. i just still cant understand it.
>i am falling asleep
Sweet dreams.

>>81798962
i wish thw bsst for you anon gfngiht

>>81797646 (OP)
a significant amount of what people call you is based on themselves and if you're agreeing with them or not, so it's difficult to know how much stock to put in it.

>>81798986
good night
>>81799058
>a significant amount of what people call you is based on themselves and if you're agreeing with them or not, so it's difficult to know how much stock to put in it.
thank you for explaining this to me. that makes sense