Been a while since I made a blogpost on here, but I feel like sharing.

Ive been on a high streak in life the last couple of years, but ive only been running from something that has been following for a very long time.

It just dawned onto me again today when I went to play video games. I dont have fun playing video games anymore. I played for like 10 minutes and then shut the game off because I felt no joy or enthusiasm for what I was doing. It felt completely empty and meaningless. I feel this when playing alone, I feel it when playing with friends. My friends always want me to play, and I try, but I just cant get into it anymore like I used to.

In this moment, im faced again with those familiar feelings of emptiness that ive been trying to escape for the last 3 years. It was three years ago that i was at my lowest, ready to kill myself. I didnt believe in myself and believed I was destined for failure. I was convinced I was a born, natural loser. But no, I mustered the will and fight to make one last push, and I enrolled in college. What the hell, I was gonna kill myself anyway, so the fear of failure disappeared (who cares if I failed, there was always a way out if I needed it).

Next thing you know, I actually performed really well. Top of my class, exceeding expectations, making friends. I felt something I hadnt felt in a very long time. I felt proud of myself, I felt a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. I was creating a purpose in my life, I was setting goals and chasing them. For those few years, my pursuit of something more gave me freedom from that festering empty hole within me.

Until now. Next year I graduate university and Ill be on the presidents list. This last year, that thrill and excitement has been lost. Everything is starting to feel extremely pointless again. In the end, what is it all worth? I am reminded that I still feel empty and that my life has no purpose. Everything I do matters not, even if I try to convince myself it does. I got a girlfriend (recently broken up), I made friends, I went out, I got an education and work experience in my field. I have now experienced life, and I thought that would fill this hole, but it hasnt.

What do I do? Do any of you bros relate? I remember posting here a long time ago, never thinking I would achieve what I have. I thought all of this was unobtainable, and that if I did have it, it would fix everything. Now that its mine I still feel the same as I did then, I just realize ive been only suppressing it and not ridding myself of it. I can never seem to escape this cloud of nihilism. I feel so apathetic, like life really has no purpose and everything I do is just a going of the motions. What am I missing?