>be me, 5 yo
>dad is strict Catholic psycho
>quotes Bible, hits me
>learn real fast that "perfect" = safe
>get good grades bc if I mess up he'll beat me
>teachers think I'm disciplined genius lol nope just terrified
>pray every night to god to not get hit
>god feels just like dad: angry, never satisfied

>9 yo
>dad just dips, no goodbye
>life built on appeasing him, suddenly nothing
>grades collapse
>teachers say I'm "moody" and "lazy"
>actually just dissociating into orbit
>lose faith
>if being perfect didn't stop dad from leaving, why even try?
>god and dad both ghosts

>10 yo
>dad comes back
>tries to reinstall fear.exe
>cranks violence up to 11
>but trauma patch 2.0 installed: numbness
>he gets madder, I get emptier

>11 yo
>decide safest move = withdrawal
>bedroom = bunker
>internet = escape
>vidya, scrolling > school
>bullied for being "weird" and "quiet"
>get sexualized by boys way too early
>both = proof world is unsafe

>teens
>self-esteem = 0
>predators smell it
>shitty relationships, hookups I don't want
>half the time don't even want it, just go along bc saying no feels dangerous
>other half chasing validation like maybe THIS guy won't abandon me
>spoiler: they all do
>start cutting, starving, bingeing, drinking
>dissociate during sex, pretend it's normal

>20s
>cycle of bad relationships, drugs, shitty jobs, self-harm
>docs throw labels: BPD, depression, whatever
>none of them get it, brain wired in hell since childhood
>body falling apart, stress weight, scars, hormone mess
>look in mirror, only see damage

>late 20s
>friends married, kids, careers
>me? still in survival mode
>numb scrolling, bad hookups, hangovers
>"accidental" overdoses, not suicide but not not either

>almost 30
>feel like life's been on pause for decades
>not alive, not dead
>isolation used to protect me, now it's just a cage
>want love, but intimacy = danger.exe
>tfw could heal but only if I found safety patience and someone who doesn't treat me like trash

stupid whore hit 30 and wants to pick an orbiter from the bargain bin lmao.

I know you lack self awareness but you just described being a mediocre bitch with no problems riding the cock carousel. Lmao.

I'm sorry all that stuff happened but r9k is not a licensed therapist

>>82219927 (OP)
>at 11 sexualized by boys too early proof the world is unsafe
>teens suddenly it's actually preferable to be sexualized
>ill allow predators to do what they want with me then go back for seconds
>hook ups and hook ups and hook ups until im 30 and i crave love and intimacy
Funny!