darkness is the truth of all things and the light is the pretty lie that sugar coats the ugly truth. abaddon is the side of god that he suppressed, his wrath and chaos is the only thing that truly is god. God doesn't defeat evil because of some bullshit plan, he suppresses it and balances it because there is no way to destroy it. Our existence cant be wiped clean because our souls are immortal and are the essence of god itself. God knows light and dark must seperate but doesn't have the heart to do it, so he tests us by putting us in flesh prison sacks and suffer meaninglessly when the odds of our fate are as plain as day. Our identity is already chosen so being ugly and unwanted is an eternal struggle even before the soul was formed. He knows most of us are too weak and we would seperate from him due to circumstances we cant control. He knows the ones that would have a deep sense of self hatred they will refuse to turn to the light and disconnect spiritually. I hate creation so fucking much id rather die spiritually than to deal with this shit. ive never changed, I only suppress and think im different. Why? because I have emotions and needs that can never be fulfilled due to how I was formed carelessly. No matter what thoughts I change, add, or refurbish the truth of the situation will NEVER change. Ill always be miserable and bitter because every waking moment is a reaffirming to my belief that everything including myself is shit. im exausted, its all a fucking cope. Only way to have salvation is to disconnect from the things that make me human otherwise I carry a weight. Not suppress, not change, but completely remove it. I hate having emotions in a fuck ass life that cant satisfy them