Thread 83106668

I feel like shit and really hate myself right now? How are you, anons?

>>83106668 (OP)
Pent up and couldn't sleep.

>>83106668 (OP)
I just jerked off to a video of a friend
I'm all good now tbf

feeling anxious af so got booze

>>83106694
I could go for a lot of alcohol right now, haha.

I feel extremely mentally paralyzed and I mostly go through the motions. I feel like there are things I want to say or convey but can't

I have been extremely anxious since Sunday.
I'm 1 month away from graduating. Still have to deliver my bachelor's thesis and take one last exam.
The chance that I don't graduate is null but I've been having sleepless nights the whole week. I feel tired, anxious, and scared

>>83106694
Damn I miss booze. But I promised the psychiatrist to not drink for a while.

>>83106847
I relate heavily. Everyone else is so happy and I'll never know a silver of that. Sometimes, I just want to let everything out and just breakdown. But I know it wouldn't fix shit nor would anybody feel bad for me. I feel so helpless.

>>83106668 (OP)
I stop caring to not suffer

>>83107063
The day I stop caring is likely the day I end my life.

>>83106668 (OP)
Just got done compulsively scrubbing my room down because the dog got in after coming home at 9pm from class.
I fucking hate dogs and filth and my stupidass obsession with cleanliness.
I just want to leave home already for a small crappy living space that I can actually feel comfortable and unbothered in.

>>83106668 (OP)
The only reason I don't kill myself is cause I'm afraid of death. That's it. That's literally the only thing keeping me alive. The instant I lose my fear of death, I die.

>>83107091
I'm thinking of just getting inebriated and fucking around on some train tracks until I get ran over. Hopefully impulse wins out.

>>83106668 (OP)
why do you hate yourself?
if its a vent thread i want to hear your venting

>>83107070
I still care for some fun things.

It's officially fucking over. The girl I love is getting engaged. I don't have much to live for in life, no family or other close connections, so fucking GGs. Any suggestions for how I should go out?

>>83107100
For me it's downing a whole bottle of pills. From what I hear overdosing would actually be a great way to go but I just can't do it.

my alcoholic ayran ebf from australia exists i just know it. hes waiting for me.

>>83106668 (OP)
I'm like super motivated at a single idea I got and that has been part of all my trains of thought throughout the day, I'm becoming actually obsessed with it and doesn't matter how hard I try to not think about it I just can't stop thinking about it, atleast it has me supermotivated but I want to think more about it and I feel like I need to think much more about it before I start working on said idea but like, I just love thinking about it but there's alot of stuff related to it that also makes me think about it and so I have to think about it cuz else I feel bad and I'm obsessed with that loop of thinking about the thing and it has me vexed and perplexed but in a beautiful way cuz I do not feel miserable whatsoever, I feel motivated about it and with a drive, a motivation that I haven't felt in a little while and a drive I haven't felt in a long while and it's beautiful, anyways I'm also looking forward to tomorrow since it's friday i'll get to pop some pills comfortably

>>83107129
What kind of dumbass told you that? Overdosing on pills is the dumbest way to go out unless its like heroine or something. ODing is just going to be you getting really sick and probably waking up in the hospital anyway.

>>83107143
Doesn't it depend on the medication?

>>83107124
why were you in love with a girl about to get engaged? that doesn't seem very smart.

>>83106668 (OP)
gooned again yesterday and looking forward to having more days of not gooning behind me

>>83107112
This >>83107124 is what spurred on the thread. But to add to it, I'm just a loser all around. I'm very socially awkward and was hated by everyone of my peers during my school years. Can't recall a single childhood friend to this day.
In fact, I never had a proper childhood or adolescence with how fucked my family life was. My parents are both mentally ill, had bad upbringings and split when I was still a toddler. but they still couldn't figure out how to work out their differences amicably, they just HAD to fight constantly with the kids stuck dead in the middle of it. At some point, my mom just cut all communications with my pops when I was 14 and I didn't get to talk to him until I was about 20 (22 now).
And now? I have no friends, a family I don't feel close to and a dead end job in retail.
I was going to go to a trade school to become an electrician, but it's pretty difficult to find the motivation. After all, I know for a fucking fact now that I'm never going to find someone to start a relationship with, so there's not shit to look forward to except the promise of owning a house and having full solitude.

>>83107157
You're right, it's not smart. But oh well. I just had to be another retard that got obsessed with the girl that was slightly nice to me, kek.

Broke, paying for bills I cant pay off, and no one willing to help, fuck this gay ass earth I was supposed to be an astronaut

I fucking hate hate HATE all of you people with enough rage to power the tanks I'd gladly use to blow up your homes but I don't have anyone else in my life to talk to and I want to kill myself.

>>83107210
>by everyone of my peers during my school years
can i ask why? are you a horrible person? people dont usually hate some one just cause theyre akward
>I know for a fucking fact now that I'm never going to find someone to start a relationship with
how can you know that for a fact?

>>83107239
I went to a really poor school that was essentially for the kids people given up on. To put things into perspective, there were fights basically on a weekly basis and kids were expelled constantly. I'm definitely a loser who doesn't deserve anything at present, but back then I was too anxious to talk to anybody there and they apparently they just didn't like that. I begged my mom to transfer schools, but she wouldn't listen and insisted I go there still.
>how can you know that for a fact?
Even now I'm still offputting to people. They don't react with vitriol, but they definitely notice something's off about me, thus, I can't really get close to anyone. It feels like there's something I'm not getting and it always ends up killing he atmosphere whenever I open my mouth around a group.

>>83107149
It would still be hard to get the exact dose right.

>>83106668 (OP)
I'm alright. I'm still looking for a job but a couple of days ago I made some pocket change by cutting the grass on my grandma's yard, who lives half an hour from my house.
'Cutting grass' is putting it nicely, though. Those plants went up almost to my chest because my grandpa passed away some years ago and he took care of their yard less and less until stopping due to his age. I used his dull tools (my uncle cleaned his workshop and left most of his stuff there -- whatever he couldn't sell) and it took me a bit but it was a nice experience.
I started reading about gardening and I went back yesterday to sharpen his tools a bit with a file and a whetstone as much as I could. I'm hyped because I want to go back there today or tomorrow to keep working around by cutting off branches from some trees, uprooting some bushes and small weeds with the hoe and I'm even thinking about going there more often and planting something, like potatoes.
I guess the semen retention meme is real because me feeling motivated to do something like this instead of holing myself in my room is because of NNN.