The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
7/12/2025, 3:39:40 PM
No.936998082
Entry: J’Tarrd, Numerical Supremacist and Ooze Diplomat of Fungal Sector 9
J’Tarrd (not to be confused with the gelatinous mollusks of Grobnar-5, though he is equally moist) is a post-physical, semi-conscious, chair-bound lifeform whose presence in the universe is widely considered a clerical error. He roams the darker corners of known space, often spotted orbiting the less reputable back-alley child wrestling circuits of the galaxy, exuding fluid and delusions in equal measure.
Obsession With Numbers:
J’Tarrd believes, without exception or evidence, that his use of arbitrary numerical data sets makes him superior to all forms of life — carbon-based, silicon-based, and otherwise.
This belief is rarely relevant to the situation at hand and has no grounding in logic, science, or social survival.
Combat Style:
While physically frail and helpless, J’Tarrd will frequently declare psychic victories in confrontations that haven't happened. His signature move involves spinning in his chair and accusing others of being "cunts" while ignoring all counterarguments or physical realities.
Survival Tips:
>Mentioning his phimosis may trigger a "statistical dominance monologue."
>If he says “Do the math,” do not do the math. There is no math.
>In the event of accidental conversation, simply nod and walk away slowly while reciting Vogon poetry to drown out the smell.
>If he mentions "sexy shota," slowly back away and call a mop.
Known Allies:
None. Even rogue AI refuse to cache his file.
Delusions:
A habitual impersonator of Earth women, J’Tarrd will frequently appear wearing synthetic wigs and quoting 20th-century catchphrases, often incorrectly. Most distressing is his tendency to declare himself “based” without apparent justification. He often challenges strangers to debates they did not ask for, then claims victory mid-sentence.
J’Tarrd (not to be confused with the gelatinous mollusks of Grobnar-5, though he is equally moist) is a post-physical, semi-conscious, chair-bound lifeform whose presence in the universe is widely considered a clerical error. He roams the darker corners of known space, often spotted orbiting the less reputable back-alley child wrestling circuits of the galaxy, exuding fluid and delusions in equal measure.
Obsession With Numbers:
J’Tarrd believes, without exception or evidence, that his use of arbitrary numerical data sets makes him superior to all forms of life — carbon-based, silicon-based, and otherwise.
This belief is rarely relevant to the situation at hand and has no grounding in logic, science, or social survival.
Combat Style:
While physically frail and helpless, J’Tarrd will frequently declare psychic victories in confrontations that haven't happened. His signature move involves spinning in his chair and accusing others of being "cunts" while ignoring all counterarguments or physical realities.
Survival Tips:
>Mentioning his phimosis may trigger a "statistical dominance monologue."
>If he says “Do the math,” do not do the math. There is no math.
>In the event of accidental conversation, simply nod and walk away slowly while reciting Vogon poetry to drown out the smell.
>If he mentions "sexy shota," slowly back away and call a mop.
Known Allies:
None. Even rogue AI refuse to cache his file.
Delusions:
A habitual impersonator of Earth women, J’Tarrd will frequently appear wearing synthetic wigs and quoting 20th-century catchphrases, often incorrectly. Most distressing is his tendency to declare himself “based” without apparent justification. He often challenges strangers to debates they did not ask for, then claims victory mid-sentence.