I have determined after much fuckery that it isn't guile's fault the process control and system call functions are a pain in the ass, that's just how UNIX works.
It's just a horrible system that's both very obsessed with security to the point of being a huge overcomplicated pain, and then simultaneously has zero restrictions so you can do fucking anything, even bricking your entire computer, even by accident, easily. It's a total shitshow.