Anonymous
10/16/2025, 7:34:02 AM
No.24804595
>>24804502
The fatal flaw of this is that your voice is not plausible. This is how you, the writer, think about that last summer all those years ago, it's now how a kid thinks about it in the moment. Even if they do feel some vague sense of melancholy it's almost never going to be such an overwhelming dread like is on display here.
You can only get away with something this over the top if you've built the character up enough to justify it, which you by definition have not done because it's a prologue and this is the first thing we ever read.
>>24804528
You can write this without the melodrama and add the melodrama back in each time you return to it. Your character is a moron at the start in this prologue, thinking about their last summer, then you can return to it later on and add in this greater depth of loss upon reflection.
It occurs to me that this might already be meant as reflection, that the character is reliving their last summer. If this is the case you need to signpost it MUCH more thoroughly than you are doing (i.e. more than not at all).
The fatal flaw of this is that your voice is not plausible. This is how you, the writer, think about that last summer all those years ago, it's now how a kid thinks about it in the moment. Even if they do feel some vague sense of melancholy it's almost never going to be such an overwhelming dread like is on display here.
You can only get away with something this over the top if you've built the character up enough to justify it, which you by definition have not done because it's a prologue and this is the first thing we ever read.
>>24804528
You can write this without the melodrama and add the melodrama back in each time you return to it. Your character is a moron at the start in this prologue, thinking about their last summer, then you can return to it later on and add in this greater depth of loss upon reflection.
It occurs to me that this might already be meant as reflection, that the character is reliving their last summer. If this is the case you need to signpost it MUCH more thoroughly than you are doing (i.e. more than not at all).