Anonymous
6/30/2025, 6:39:59 AM
No.81664391
>>81664282
>was constantly either starving myself or failing to starve myself (both made me feel bad) (i had almost no issues with my body before seeing him, and he never made anything but positive comments about it)
>every time he gave me a compliment i was convinced he was lying to me, either out of pity or just because he thought i was a fucking idiot and he liked to toy with me. on the rare occasion i did believe him i felt guilt for tricking/manipulating him into believing i deserved compliments
>every time he was affectionate towards me i would feel a wave of shame about my body, and then usually reject him despite wanting him badly. i would only accept sex if i hadnt eaten for at least a day before, so my stomach would be flat enough to allow him to see it. even then i would still feel intense shame afterwards that i allowed him to see me (even if he seemingly enjoyed himself id be convinced he was thinking of someone else to get it up, he was disgusted by me and was only pretending to be attracted to me so he didnt damage my ego)
>was always, always convinced he hated me, no matter how loving he had been
>i spent the entire relationship convinced he would be breaking up with me within a few days at any given point. even if i was able to believe he had loved me in the past, i never believed he actively loved me
>lashed out at him and treated him poorly because of all the aforementioned delusions, occasionally had moments of clarity where i realized he did care for me and i was treating him like garbage despite loving him more than anyone id ever met. would sometimes apologize to him and promise to do better and then immediately return to my usual ways.
all of these things started out very minor and gradually became debilitating as time went on, eventually i could not think of him without a wave of anxiety and guilt. i think i just hate myself too much to be in relationships of any kind.
>was constantly either starving myself or failing to starve myself (both made me feel bad) (i had almost no issues with my body before seeing him, and he never made anything but positive comments about it)
>every time he gave me a compliment i was convinced he was lying to me, either out of pity or just because he thought i was a fucking idiot and he liked to toy with me. on the rare occasion i did believe him i felt guilt for tricking/manipulating him into believing i deserved compliments
>every time he was affectionate towards me i would feel a wave of shame about my body, and then usually reject him despite wanting him badly. i would only accept sex if i hadnt eaten for at least a day before, so my stomach would be flat enough to allow him to see it. even then i would still feel intense shame afterwards that i allowed him to see me (even if he seemingly enjoyed himself id be convinced he was thinking of someone else to get it up, he was disgusted by me and was only pretending to be attracted to me so he didnt damage my ego)
>was always, always convinced he hated me, no matter how loving he had been
>i spent the entire relationship convinced he would be breaking up with me within a few days at any given point. even if i was able to believe he had loved me in the past, i never believed he actively loved me
>lashed out at him and treated him poorly because of all the aforementioned delusions, occasionally had moments of clarity where i realized he did care for me and i was treating him like garbage despite loving him more than anyone id ever met. would sometimes apologize to him and promise to do better and then immediately return to my usual ways.
all of these things started out very minor and gradually became debilitating as time went on, eventually i could not think of him without a wave of anxiety and guilt. i think i just hate myself too much to be in relationships of any kind.