The fear of success is a burdening one bros. I think I might be addicted to the cycle of failure instead of the possibility of success. It just gives me an excuse to not REALLY try... to keep being a bump on a log, where I can rot and be miserably complacent forever. Like if I try and fail, it's just a reminder of how much of a failure I am. It's a reminder that I keep failing over and over again without much progress.
I want to die with as few regrets as possible though. It feels impossible to break through this barrier of me trying to keep myself safe.

I'm so used to being (feeling) mediocre that maybe I also don't feel like I deserve to win or even feel good. I've done some things of acclaim in my life - I'm a decent artist who has won an award for their work (not a huge one but still). I'm generous with my time and attention and kind, I'm loyal to my friends. So like, I'm not a complete piece of shit. But still.