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6/25/2025, 5:52:45 PM
Part I: The Idleb CEO
>be me
>Ahmad al-Sharaa
>average Syrian guy with beard level 99
>used to LARP as a rebel leader back when it was cool
>start out preaching to like 12 guys and a goat
>decide to rebrand jihad like it's a Silicon Valley startup
“What if we were like, less ISIS-y?”
>boom, new logo
>boom, new name
>Hay'at Tahrir al-Sham™
>get called moderate extremists
>idk what that means but sounds sexy
>start dressing like I do TED talks in Idlib
>clean suit, trimmed beard, dead stare
>journalists love it
>“He’s the face of the new revolution,” they say
>tfw no one asks where all the CIA money went
>mfw Turkish intelligence pretends they don’t know me
>fast forward
>all rivals mysteriously disappear
>probably moved to Canada or were exploded, who knows
>now I’m the big boss of the last rebel enclave
>basically Syria’s HOA president
>have my own police, courts, press releases
>people say I run a proto-caliphate
>lol no bro it’s just governance with RPGs
>international press starts simping hard
>“Maybe he’s not that extremist,”
>meanwhile I run Friday prayers and drone-evading ops in the same afternoon
>UN invites me to peace talks
>tfw I send my cousin instead
>he just yells “Allahu Akbar” and flips the table
>still get funding
>tfw you win the insurgency by outlasting everyone else
>tfw you realize ruling Idlib is just being mayor of Mad Max town with olives
>tfw it’s not even Friday and you already sentenced 3 people and dodged a missile
>just Mujahideen things
>be me
>Ahmad al-Sharaa
>average Syrian guy with beard level 99
>used to LARP as a rebel leader back when it was cool
>start out preaching to like 12 guys and a goat
>decide to rebrand jihad like it's a Silicon Valley startup
“What if we were like, less ISIS-y?”
>boom, new logo
>boom, new name
>Hay'at Tahrir al-Sham™
>get called moderate extremists
>idk what that means but sounds sexy
>start dressing like I do TED talks in Idlib
>clean suit, trimmed beard, dead stare
>journalists love it
>“He’s the face of the new revolution,” they say
>tfw no one asks where all the CIA money went
>mfw Turkish intelligence pretends they don’t know me
>fast forward
>all rivals mysteriously disappear
>probably moved to Canada or were exploded, who knows
>now I’m the big boss of the last rebel enclave
>basically Syria’s HOA president
>have my own police, courts, press releases
>people say I run a proto-caliphate
>lol no bro it’s just governance with RPGs
>international press starts simping hard
>“Maybe he’s not that extremist,”
>meanwhile I run Friday prayers and drone-evading ops in the same afternoon
>UN invites me to peace talks
>tfw I send my cousin instead
>he just yells “Allahu Akbar” and flips the table
>still get funding
>tfw you win the insurgency by outlasting everyone else
>tfw you realize ruling Idlib is just being mayor of Mad Max town with olives
>tfw it’s not even Friday and you already sentenced 3 people and dodged a missile
>just Mujahideen things
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