How to fix Britain

1. End external immigration of my sperm (by destroying their sacks)
2. zero gravity bollock extermination
3. death penalty for my nards
4. conversion therapy for my testicles (from whole to smashed)
5. declare having intact scrotums illegal
6. nationalise the rail (so trains can drive over my sack)
7. nationalise energy (so I can dip my danglers into a million degree tokamak reactor)
8. introduce an immigrant tax post-brexit where immigrants must pay 5% to bash my soft testes
9. post-brexit tariff revenue income for the treasury to be put into heavy brown bags and dropped on my testicles
10. tax evading companies have their assets and operations seized by the state until they punch my eggs
11. pressure inside my ballbag to increase to 25%
12. end free schools and invest in a massive state school building (on top of my exposed bollocks)
13. national scrote bashing is mandatory
14. no intact male sex organs in education for anyone from nursery to university
15. massive infrastructure projects, Crossrail 2, HS3 and a London airport linking freight rail, sea and air so as to assault my gonads on all fronts
16. raise chokehold on my aching nards to 15,000PSI
17. end emergency operations on hurt testicles
18. end inheritance (of healthy bollocks)
19. end the smoking ban so pub-goers can stub out their fag-ends on my tender gonads
20. 20% banker bonus for every CEO who flicks my sack
21. increase military spending to 10% of GDP so missiles can be laser-guided to my scrotum
22. Abolish the house in which my sack resides
23. reduce my healthy sperm count to 550 (then to zero with a hammer)
24. remove Sinn Fein from Parliament (but only after they blow my sack with a car bomb)
25. Abolish my testicles