In the past year I've literally watched two family members die of cancer (One was 78 the other is 51). And honestly it got me thinking how short life can be, I cant help but think how much of my life i've wasted away doing fuck all.

I dont go outside, i eat like shit, i have no job, no friends, I still live with my parents at 28 (How fucking embarrassing is that?), all I do is sit on my computer. I've almost entirely lost interest in playing games also. Its like I'm at a new low point in life where I'm so deep in a hole I cant get out of it.

I'm at a loss of what to do anymore and I feel like im at my wits end when it comes to continuing. I've lost motivation in almost everything at this point. Maybe its because I am afraid of change? Maybe its because even with efforts I wont make it in life? I just want to wake up one day and not feel fucking miserable. I just want to be happy one day with someone else who care me. But I am just withering away it seems slowly, and after seeing people around me die from something horrible like cancer, I always feel like that is my future and its closer then I think.

How ironic, being afraid of death but not wanting to live in the first place.

I'm rambling too much...