the first thing i do when i wake up is reach for my phone and mastubate to brightly colored, highly saturated cartoons while listening to repetitive, childish songs on youtube kids, hyperpop, breakcore, anime openings, Minecraft music, horrorcore murder rap, or phonk. it's also the last thing i do before i finally fall asleep after hours of smoking weed and meth. it's also something i do at least a few more times in between, although i used to pray god to let me stop, before realizing God isn't real when my prayers were never answered. i've had these i intense sexual feelings since i was a child, and for as long as i can remember. i would wake up wetting the bed from sex dreams about my own friends and family, always women, including my own mother and frmale friends. the only way to tame my urge to rape anything that moves (i used to try to make out with cute looking cats, even), i had to dress like a reddit femboy in a pink miniskirt, watch cumshot compilations, and try to slowly turn myself gay for myself. it was easy at first because i was underage. i started watching porn when i was eight. but now that i'm getting older, this "cure" is harder and harder to keep up. my hardwired, biological, and genetic programming to rape females is almost irrepressible. my phone is covered in a layer of grease and feels slimy too the touch, as does my keyboard. but i must escew sinful human porn that makes me feel the need to rape everyone i love. so i inject estrogen, think about cocks, and mastubate to cartoons, in a denial of my natural heterosexuality programmed into me by a cruel or non-existent god. there is no other safe and legal outlet. no woman will ever want me, because i am short and nerdy. i am simply too intelligent to talk to women.