i am in my first year of university and it is absolutely kicking my ass.

i used to have a lot of motivation at the beginning/middle of this year, i could write an entire essay and multiple drafts in one day after i got back from work, on top of extracurricular classes.

but now i can barely write a paragraph without my brain feeling like it wants to shut down and hang itself. i have 0 energy left. my output just isn’t the same and it makes me feel like shit. i know i shouldn’t let my academic performance control my self worth but it’s basically my entire life because i don’t have time for anything else.

i want to have the motivation and passion for getting good grades again but i just feel so done with everything, i can’t think of anything but school and the thought of school makes me feel physically ill sometimes.

i can’t sleep because i’m always thinking of what i need to finish, my deadlines, what i can do better, my tutors feedback on my work, if my classmates think i’m lazy and stupid, worrying about if i’ll be smart enough to past the next semester, other gay bullshit.

i’m an ex-neet and i don’t miss that lifestyle at all but i feel like i’m on the other end of the spectrum now and i can’t handle it. i wish there was some kind of balance between these two extremes.

i miss my hobbies (in b4 “video games and jerking off?”) like painting, drawing, writing, reading, warhammer, continuing my failed fitness journey and trying to make friends online.

it will be the end of my first year soon, where i get a short break from uni faggotry. i hope this will be able to reset my brain back to how it was.