>>8099912
I'm getting tested in a couple months, and, I'm pretty sure I understand what you're saying

Painfully so.

Potentially learning that a mental illness, a factor that I may have bent my sense of self around all of my life, coping through means which shaped me, I fear irreparably, not always in a good way, though also in some, is actually there, and the that I have a "true" reason for my struggles is.... It feels like a sentence, more than a diagnosis.

"You will never not have this; your struggle does not end: it is you."

Therapy is demotivating.
But necessary, I'm afraid. It's hard to reach, too.

I've lost my partner of 10 years a month ago.
They left without being able to formulate a good reason themselves. Just knew they wanted to try another life. Only, turns out I apparently don't fit in that life.
I don't know what to make of it. But it's better if I move on.

I will.

Now I'm back in my home city.
But I never kept contact with old friends. I let every one of them slip through my fingers over time.
I've never dated casually.
I've never "made friends" outside of already established circles, or school.

And I'm now closer to 30 than 25.

I will say this though.
Through this bullshit my partner put me through when they broke us up, something did show up in me.
Something that really hurts.

I need to try getting close to other people, again.
And I need... Closeness. To someone...

All in due time, however. I'm still learning to liver alone, again. Haven't done that since I was a student.